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Showing results for tags 'friends first'.
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In responding today to a post today by bear_n_bunny regarding open marriages vs. swinging, I referred to a related topic that Mrs. LC and I have long wondered about--how most swingers feel about getting to know their playmates vs. just hooking up for sex. Mrs. LC and I fall somewhere in the middle. We're generally turned off by the prospect of what Erica Jong would have called a "zipless fuck"--nameless, entirely impersonal, etc.--and we avoid situations in that direction. Yet, we have no desire to build a relationship beforehand, either. The prospect of "dating" before playing in hopes that everyone gels on a personal level is something we don't want to deal with. Nor do we particularly want to be friends afterwards. We prefer to keep friends and playmates separate. For us, if we meet, have dinner and/or drinks, and find basic chemistry exists, then that's all we need--or want, really. So, we're curious where everyone else stands. Is it necessary for you to be "friends" before you play? Are you on the other end of the spectrum, preferring to play and then say goodbye? Or are you somewhere in the middle? We've seen folks express opinions all over the spectrum, and we're curious about the norm.- 46 replies
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- friends first
- friends vs strangers
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Two questions mostly directed to the male half of the swinging couples. Women, feel free to respond, your input is always valued. How important is it that you like the other guy that you plan to swing with in the heterosexual manner, either in a MFM or in a MFMF? Does he have to be respectable? Is it up to the woman? Do you have any standards whatsoever? Also, to the more experienced folk, is it uncommon that the guys would get along really well? Personally I found it very important that the guy my wife would have would be someone that I respected, or at least someone I thought was "good enough" for my wife. Perhaps it was my protective nature, or something. But I felt that it was important.
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This topic springs out of something that came up in another topic, mostly from a comment by StrateCouple that they feel that swinging has evolved since they entered the lifestyle. So what do you think? I realize many people on this board are new or fairly new to the lifestyle so they may not be able to judge whether or not the lifestyle has evolved, but what do you think of the comments regardless?
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OK, so we've met these people. There was an instant connection. And the connection has grown stronger. But here's the thing: we feel so good about them that now we think that it would ruin a good thing if we fucked them. And we suspect that they might be feeling the same owing to the fact that they have not made the proposal, "let's fuck." Something similar has happened with members of this esteemed Swingersboard. We are given an opportunity to meet people with whom we have communicated for years and what do you think? You feel so close to them that spontaneous sex would seem not so spontaneous at all! So we don't. What's with that? We're supposed to be swingers! The suspicion is growing in my mind that "fuck first, friendship might follow" is really the way I'm wired, as far as swing lifestyle might go. But friendship is friendship, however it might happen. Am I alone in this? Am I making any sense?
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I have heard from several members here that the more they get to know a couple, the less they want to have sex with them. Maybe we just haven't been fortunate enough to get to know a couple that well that it reaches that point or maybe I'm not wired that way. Or perhaps there's something else in play (like maybe they meant in terms of seeing them pick their nose or exhibit an unbecoming personality trait). However, for myself, I have found that the more we talk and get to know a couple, the more comfortable I feel with them and I'm more interested in engaging with them in sex. In fact, finding more about other couples almost endears them to me. I know that sounds too intimate but the more I get to know a person, the more I care about them as a person and their well-being. Even if we witness something that is a turn-off, it's even more of a reminder to me that they aren't perfect...not some unattainable, flawless couple who sits on their lofty pedestal. Is this feeling felt more in those who are open to poly or is it not poly-specific? Is the desire of not wanting to know too much about another couple a "protective barrier" so feelings won't develop? Is it just the mindset that swinging is for sex and nothing else so everything outside of that is irrelevant? Or am I just looking too much into this? Please share your thoughts on the matter!- 11 replies
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- polyamory
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There we were, my wife and I, this weekend at our local club, in the middle of casual NSA sex with two guys and a lady and the thought slams into my head: I want more. Not more sex, the sex was fine as casual sex goes, but more... more than just bodies rubbing together. I want a connection, shared experience, friendship, a common ground beyond insert tab A into slot B. I haven't reached the point of being about to articulate more than that, but this seemed like a good place to start exploring the notion. -
This post in another thread got me thinking... In my mind "friends first" swinging and poly are two completely different things, but other people apparently think of them as one and the same. What does everyone else think? To expand on my views (the rest of the post is purely my opinion ).. Everyone I have met who wants to be friends first is looking more for a sense of safety by knowing people a bit before having sex. Whether or not this is legit or not is another topic, but it's something that people believe. Also, friends first folks tend to want to be more open about swinging - having that couple or two or five that you swing with AND hang out with gives you the chance to talk about swinging, be yourselves, and generally not have to be in the closet about it. At least every once in a while. Having a friendship makes things a bit more comfortable for some. Polyamory, on the other hand, is actually looking for romantic love. I love my friends, but that doesn't mean I'm in a poly relationship with all of them. On SLS, I mention that we are looking for friends, but we do not consider anyone we meet on SLS (or other swinging sites) as people with whom we could potentially have a real, whole, romantic relationship. I guess my general question is - Is this a common thought in people's minds? When you see someone looking for "friends first" does your mind automatically go to poly/relationships/too invested?
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Still doing my research... I have not mentioned my interest to my sig other yet. My question is this... I've been reading advice to newbies and almost everyone says how they have a "date" or get together with other couples before the "real date". I've read that people like to get to know each other first, become friends etc. Doesn't this create more emotion in the situation than necessary? I mean I'm thinking that the swinging lifestyle was more strictly about the sex, not creating an emotional connection with other people. My sig other and I have an amazing bond, emotional connection and I want that to be special between the two of us. So if you are getting to know your playmates how do you keep possible emotions out of it? Also, I'm curious. I wear lingerie all the time for my sig other, but don't really own any sexy clothes... and I'm pretty fit, slim, although a little belly. I'm getting the impression that everyone is crazy attractive and porn star looking and all dress in slutty clothes! Is it expected for the woman to be "dressed up slutty" or how do I phrase it?? I would expect to have a hot sexy little number on under the clothes, but can't you arrive in jeans and a sweater? lol. I know this question will probably make many people laugh but I just gotta ask! -
First I feel poll crazy!!!! Was reading another thread kind of about when people party (fuck). How long do you have to know them? Minutes? Hours? Days? Weeks? Hopefully this will be another good poll. Also I believe you can vote without having to leave a comment. -
Hello everyone, We don't know if you read our intro...but here's our issue We met this couple via the internet about 3 weeks ago. They contacted us.Initially, the male of the couple sent us an e-mail expressing their interest in us. Okay, that was fine and he was very nice. However, we never get to chat or send e-mail back and forth to the wife. Apparently, the mother-in-law is staying at their home until late August sometime. We called them and spoke to them a few weekends ago on the phone for all of 10 minutes (the only time we've conversed with them both, BTW). In the beginning, he was getting into the habit of sending me (female member) IM's during the weekdays while he's at "work" (He always talked about the four of us, a few innuendos here and there. There was one comment he made that bothered me a bit, however. I was trying to express how important it is to my husband and I both that any couple we get together with has to respect boundaries and be totally in love with each other. I said I've read too many horror stories about people crossing the line and actually falling for people they've swung with. He then says, I'd never leave my wife...I love her a lot, etc. and then he says...well, ya never know; then he says he's just kidding?...red flag anyone?? Anyway, we can never really send IM'S or chat on the weekends via the computer so all 4 of us can chat (which is when my hunny's home). Supposedly due to the M-I-L being there. Well, my hunny and I discussed all of this and he expressed concern about the IM's on the weekdays, so, of course, I stopped conversing in this manner. After that, the concept changed a little. The male member got a bit distant, not rude, just distant. And, here's where we're wondering if we should even pursue this (We should mention we do have a date set up at the end of this month to meet them). They were supposed to call us this past Saturday night...my hunny and I were kicking back having some drinks and having our own fun...the time came and wait for them to call. They never did! So, we go online Sunday and notice they had been online. That a.m. Monday, we get an e-mail from him apologizing for not calling, that he "forgot" to write down the number. Okay, shit happens, right? So, we tell him that is fine,and we noticed they were online Sunday, which he said was weird, because they never logged on . But, we're a bit concerned because we've had minimal contact with the wife. We asked him to ask her if there's anything she'd like to discuss with us and also told him she is more than welcome when she has the chance to send us an e-mail so we can get to know her, too. He writes back the next day saying that he spoke with her and she says she's more comfortable talking when we meet. He also says that they'd like to call this Saturday, but they have no set agenda, meaning they like to just call and say hello. Well, we said that was fine. However, if we're not really going to do any talking...basically, what's the point? So, now, we've written back and said we'd be in contact the week before we're supposed to meet to discuss where and when, etc. Okay, anyone can give us their $.02 on this one. My hunny's a bit irritated and I'm just plain confused What does this sound like to you all??? We both think that there should be a bit more getting-to- know-you going on here. As I said, when the male member and I were exchanging IM's, it was all good, but when I stopped...the concept changed. We would've been fine exchanging IM's if all 4 of us were involved. We think if we met these people at a club and just decided to "fuck" then fine...why worry about talking? But, in this instance, it's a bit different...We should mention that "they" expressed and emphasized that friendship to them is more important...But, we're at the point where friendship ain't all that important Hee,Hee!!
