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Hi All, Serious topic here, and trigger warning for anyone not looking to read about emotionally heavy topics involving depression, anger and emotional abuse. Thanks in advance to anyone who can offer serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and while mostly the times have been good, there have been some hard times. My husband is a wonderful man who has many positive attributes but struggled for years with depression and insecurity. When we first got together (very young) I was relatively little experienced but sexually open minded, very sexually comfortable, and was eager to explore. He had been with one other person in an emotionally abusive relationship. Throughout our relationship he has had several major depressive cycles, and during the low points of these cycles he would have anger management issues and obsessiveness. He would become hyper focused on sexual issues, such as the (few) number of past partners I had, what I did with them in detail, how they compared to him, etc. He would obsessively imagine my past and become upset and angry with me. He would also become hyper sexual and needy. Over the years I begged him to start therapy, but he was afraid we couldn’t afford it. Overtime, his depressive cycles, pain and anger escalated to him emotionally lashing out (never physically). He would say very hurtful things such as we needed to have a threesome so that he could settle the score, that was the only way his obsessive thoughts would go away, or him needing to have a threesome to make up for the fact that I wasn’t a virgin. Overtime, I essentially “lost” my sex drive from the shame and grief, this of course compounded his insecurities. Eventually (far to late of course) I gave him an ultimatum of therapy or divorce. We have been in marriage therapy for two years, as well as individual therapy separately. He is also on anti-depressants now. We have made much progress rebuilding our relationship and re-establishing communication, trust, respect, etc, as well as working to rebuild our sexual relationship. He has processed that he is genuinely interested in swinging, and that part of his anger involved not being able to accept his own sexually interests before, and looking to justify them by any means necessary before. For my part, I am opened minded generally about the idea of swinging as concept, and most of my go-to fantasies involve multiple people. However, I am still so hurt by the past, that whenever the idea comes up I reflexively cry and feel as though I’m about to have a panic attack. I’m interested in exploring the topic but it is just so hard overcome the trauma and anxiety it brings. This is an active topic in personal therapy and active subject we discuss together. He is very apologetic and understanding now. However, it hasn’t totally helped yet alleviate the hurt inside or taken the edge off the reflexive reaction. I was wondering if anyone had advice on dealing with relationship specific trauma and stigma associated with swinging as opposed to cultural/parental/religious stigma. It is helpful to talk with our therapists but might be more insightful to connect with someone who has lived something similar.
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I wondered how many of us have been married a number of years? It seems that a lot of us have been. I wanted to see a how many Swinger Marriages last. So how many years have you been married?
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So. Been swinging for a while. Mostly great experiences, a few bad ones, and now this one. Met a couple several months ago and we all jive extremely well. Played many times. Here's the problem. Wife of the other couple and I connect very well. Like old friends/lovers well. My wife loves her too and they also have a connection. We also really like her husband, and have a great relationship with him as well...BUT he is unsure about all of this. Up until this point, they've been more of a hit-it-and-quit-it couple (for about 3 years or so). They recently discussed the situation, and thought they should take a short break to assess all of this. We totally support their need to make sure they're OK with everything going forwards, and see it as essential that all four of us are on the same page going forwards. However, the idea that they might not be OK with being in a relationship with us as a couple and that we wouldn't be able to be friends/lovers is pretty tough for us to handle emotionally. Other than being totally casual in all of our swinging (just not our style), I don't think we can avoid this kind of situation. The question is, while we know the best and only thing we can do is support their need to re-evaluate, and accept whatever decision they come to as a couple, the feelings of uncertainty and worry about their ultimate decision are depressing. Any advice about how to best accept what might ultimately be a break-up without being too devastated about it? We've been together for 17 years, so break-ups aren't exactly in our bag of tricks at this point in our life. Thanks! -
Hi friendly swingers of the internet! My husband and I are active swingers who go to events, have a good circle of swinger friends, and have been in the LS for a number of years. This is my first time turning to a more anonymous message board because I'm not sure how to talk about this with my swinger friends...at the risk of coming across as high maintenance :/ We were in a pretty intimate poly relationship with another couple for almost two years. Guy and I would spend the night together just the two of us, we all said I love you, got gifts for each other, spent holidays together, go on vacations together, things like that. They were not only great sexual partners, but also became our best friends. Throughout this time, we were all also swinging with other people. A number of issues arose between us, some having to do with jealousy due to outside swinging, but most significantly they moved a few hours away. So the relationship had to change. I still feel invested. But I'm not sure how to make the adjustment from a more intimate, poly relationship to a regular swinger friendship again. Everyone else seems ready to do this, but I guess I'm not. I have plenty of great, fun, light swinger friendships...but it's hard for me to think about having this style of relationship with this particular couple. However, I don't want to be left with nothing! Has anyone on this board dealt with "downgrading" ("reverting"?) a poly relationship back to a light, friendly swinger relationship, one where you can still play, attend parties, have group sex, etc...but not be poly anymore? Or is this just a case of pandora's box...since we went down that path, it's going to be all or nothing? Do I just enjoy the relationship for what it is now? Or do I be the drama queen who calls it quits on something I actually liked, just because it's not the same as what it once was? In the "vanilla" world, when you break up with someone, you don't typically have sex with them again, and again, and again. So what's a swinger (and in this case, poly) girl to do? TL; DR: It's hard for me to swing with my ex-poly bf. Can the "backwards" transition from poly bf/gf to lighthearted swinger friend work? -
A heart-warming story: https://www.npr.org/2018/05/04/607764107/this-love-story-started-at-a-nudist-park -
Watched this and thought the coverage was pretty good in spite of the reporter's obvious disdain. The comments are always a riot. They were old comments, but I replied to some of them. Can't seem to help myself. -
Reading the posts about "how bad swinging is for relationships" got me to thinking. I think we can agree that "swinging" or the "lifestyle" is not for couples unless they have an extremely strong relationship and good communication. As such, what does the lifestyle add to such a great relationship? Are couples looking for something that is missing from their relationship? If so, is that relationship strong? Not questioning the lifestyle. Just curious about the answer.
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OK, so we've met these people. There was an instant connection. And the connection has grown stronger. But here's the thing: we feel so good about them that now we think that it would ruin a good thing if we fucked them. And we suspect that they might be feeling the same owing to the fact that they have not made the proposal, "let's fuck." Something similar has happened with members of this esteemed Swingersboard. We are given an opportunity to meet people with whom we have communicated for years and what do you think? You feel so close to them that spontaneous sex would seem not so spontaneous at all! So we don't. What's with that? We're supposed to be swingers! The suspicion is growing in my mind that "fuck first, friendship might follow" is really the way I'm wired, as far as swing lifestyle might go. But friendship is friendship, however it might happen. Am I alone in this? Am I making any sense?
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We've heard of relationships where one partner has a higher sex drive than the other and sometimes this leads them to trying out swinging. Keeping this in mind, I was wondering recently if couples where one has a higher need for emotional intimacy than the other sometimes creates a curiosity in polyamory. So, just as swinging can possibly solve the issue of one partner having a much higher sex drive, could polyamory possibly solve the issue where one partner requires more emotional intimacy than then their primary partner can give? -
I've seen a lot of threads lately where the wife has an experience that shakes the husband's confidence. I've also seen posts, periodically, that say something like, my wife/my husband, wants to quit swinging, and I don't, what should I do? All situations the did, or could, call into question continuing in swinging. Which made me wonder... Could you quit? I mean for good. Not bide your time until he/she comes around again. Could you walk away from it today, (virtually) never look back, and live happily only having sex with your spouse for the rest of your life? I'll start... I could. -
On another forum I am on there was a thread posted refering to several marriages and LTRs that resulted from singles meeting each other in the lifestyle. The OP of that thread has personally attended several weddings and has several more coming up in the near future and she was stating that people shouldn't bash singles for being open to actual dating and finding love in the lifestyle. I responded by taking a position that males and females will find each other regardless of the venue and that in reality the lifestyle is no better and no worse a venue to find their special someone than any other traditional vanilla dating venue. I also stated that singles that find each other in the lifestyle and become a couple are more likely to stay in the lifestyle as opposed to finding someone in the vanilla world and then returning to the vanilla world. I went on to state that people in the lifestyle should actually be more accepting and supportive of this as opposed to acting like singles are crazy if they are open to the idea of finding a legitimate date or SO in the lifestyle. I am wondering what your thoughts are here and what you think about singles finding love in the lifestyle. Do you think it is crazy and that singles should stick with E-Harmony and singles bars and church sponsored singles events for finding a legitimate mate or do you think that the lifestyle does offer a viable medium for finding someone? What are your thoughts?
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Most people write they are very happy in their relationship and it's very strong and secure. I just wanted to attempt a poll and thought this would be a good question, to see how happy people really are. How do you rate your relationship? 10 being perfect and 1 being your relationship is as bad as it gets but you're still together.
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How do you keep your emotions away or out of the lifestyle? We have hooked up with a great couple, and after several long weekends together, we have pretty much decided that neither us or them are available in the market. After reading some replies to some of our other post, the wife and I have talk about the "Polyamory", and we have agreed that when you spend a lot of time with a couple, it can not be helped that you have feelings for the other couple. We both get excited thinking about the next meeting, and if we are having a bad day, a simple phone call will completely turn it around. Granted the wife and him are a lot alike and so is his wife and I. We (his wife and I) are emotional by nature, we love to cuddle, hold hands, kiss, and just enjoy each others company... plus we can talk about anything and everything. The wife and him, on the other hand are just the opposite of us... The are not much of the emotional type, and are pretty much out to have fun. The wife already told me that it is not going to be able to be helped, just knowing me and his wife, and even though she hasn't bluntly admitted it, she has tied her emotions in it as well... if fact I pointed out a few things to her that I have seen, and she did agree with me, and that she had not realized it. We are cool with this, and think that it is great. We both know that we could not possibly jeopardize our relationship, because there is no way that with the wife and him, and me and his wife, could possibly live together because we are so much alike. But we are using this to fill in for what we might be missing with each other. When i say that, there are somethings that I really enjoy, that the wife might not or that she just hates, but would just to satisfy me, and vice versa. But this away, we can still have our desires filled with out the thought that "she/I is just doing this for me" if that make since. Oh, when we go out to eat, it is not the wife sitting next to me, but his wife, and the same way in a vehicle. If he's driving my wife is up front, and vice versa. There were somethings that happened this past weekend that kinda prove our relationship with them. I was out at the campfire, watching it snow a little, and just sitting back enjoying a beer and the scenery, relaxing with a blanket on a bench. They had walked in to the RV, about 5 min before. When all of a sudden his wife coming running out, to see what was wrong. The wife had said that I had thought about heading back, my wife told me later that she had never seen her move so fast... one reason that I had actually thought about going a back was... and I understand that she can't help this, because she had a large part of her female organ removed not to terribly long ago, she was moody, not toward me but with him, and that they were had several disagreements, that I thought that we could be the cause of it, but we weren't it, was her hormones. But she told me with a small tear in her eyes that she didn't want to loose our friendship, or have anything change between the four of us, because of her mood swings. We look back at that night and the wife and I agree that it really wasn't a problem after all, just a little over reaction on our part. But, in some sense I feel that we found out a lot from that little incident. SO, yes emotions are flying everywhere. We have not talked to them about this yet, but I plan on bringing it up, on a four day trip that we have planned with them down on the coast. Or at least talk to his wife about it. We have such a great friendship, but we are kinda iffy about bringing this up to them. All the signs are there, but how do you decipher them??? What should we do??? They/we are something that each have been searching for a long time. Any advice, would be great.... We are fine with this and feel that it has already brought us so much closer to each other. No we are not looking for a Poly relationship, but at the same time, we are not going to try to avoid it, if that is where it is leading. We only hope that it will continue to bring us closer to each other. CJ and Mrs CJ -
There's been some talk in other threads about the relative quality of swinger vs. vanilla relationships. My wife and I have been discussing swinging for years, usually just as a way to make ourselves more horny, but more seriously lately. Also lately my wife has been encouraging me to visit strip clubs and be friendly with the dancers, and to come home and tell her about my adventures. Well, I'm not stupid, so I have been doing this. Had a great time last night for example, and we had a great time discussing it after I came home, and it led to some great sex/lovemaking. The key part of the discussion came down to this: the timing in our life is not right for actual swinging...too many other things going on. And the timing may never be right. But we want still to explore sex as much as possible together, and (in my wife's words) visiting strip clubs and having fun with the lap dances is a safe way to do this considering the other things going on in our life. She is going to accompany me on the next visit (I go about once a month), and perhaps get a lap dance herself, or perhaps just watch me get one. And she is very intrigued with the idea of me getting a lap dance from two girls at once, either by myself or with her there. As long as I tell her about everything! The point: my wife trusts me 100%, and I trust her 100%. We may be vanilla, but we have a wonderful, glorious relationship. We have no jealousy or possessiveness between us. And that's part of the reason we love each other so much. Vanilla may not be Neopolitan, but if it's what you and your honey want, and if it makes you happy (TRULY happy, not fake-appearance for the world-happy), and it tastes good to you both, it's wonderful. facelick My two cents! (PS, one of my wife's friends asked us recently if we were swingers. She isn't herself, but I found it interesting that she would ask....apparently she thought it strange that we are still so affectionate with each other after 15 years. That's a topic for another post I guess.)
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While reading another thread in this forum, we had the idea for this question How would you react if your secondary wanted to have a relationship with someone else while maintaining your current relationship? We are curious how those involved in a poly relationships feel about this. T, A, and P
