What intimate acts do you reserve just for you and your partner?

[kas 15]

It was my third... mostly because I'm a germ freak. Being a teacher for many years, has caused me to be hyper sensitive about somethings... so for me, it went like this

 

1) vag without condom

2) any anal

3) french kissing

 

Kas

 

Ok... after reading farther... I have to say... french kissing would happen for me if I knew the person fairly well (not first encounter) and I knew they had good oral hygiene habits... I know I'm odd about this... not as bad as the aviator though!

[Spoomonkey 418]

No anal for us - we haven't mastered it ourselves, so we aren't ready to do it with others.

 

Condom free - that is a precaution, though it would be wonderful to find friends that we were close enough with to play without this rule. That would take a LOT of trust and is honestly very unlikely to happen...

 

I also voted "other" because sleeping together (seperate rooms and spending the night with your partner) would be a little uncomfortable for us.

 

Spoomonkey

[MassPleaser 16]

For us it would be No intercourse without a condom, at least not with just anyone. Only myself or my best friend are allowed in there without one, and that's cause I've known him for years and he's a safe sex kind of guy. I'm a little too thick for anal with my wife, she's a bit petite, but it's ok with others that can handle it. Kissing is ok for either of us, it just adds to the experience. We both love giving and receiving oral, she just won't swallow, that's left for me.

[sereneiders 263]

None, as long as there is a condom in between.

[HappyPeople 17]

Oops! I voted "no restrictions" before I noticed the condom option (duh).

 

All is fair game but condoms are necessary due to the health risk.

[sereneiders 263]

I posted my answer without reading others opinions. Now I read, and there's a question about the options meaning that could lead to a very different results from the pool.

 

Someone pointed out condoms use have to do with safety and not with intimacy. This isn't necessarily true.

 

If we were able to prevent from DTS without condoms, then the requirement for condoms would have to do with intimacy. In such a theoretical scenario, I wouldn't care about condoms, so my "None, as long as there is a condom in between" answer has nothing to do with intimacy.

 

This poll also leads to another question. From the "intimacy enforcement" perspective, how does it works the limitation to perform some acts while other acts are forbidden?

 

The question is grounded over the definition for swinging, where a couple at some degree give up some sexual related fidelity aspects that where supposed to be one of the most important components for the marriage/couple contract, at least the one enforced by law and society (there's always a contract). On this grounds, this pool is asking how much of these sexual related aspects can be given up without jeopardizing the particular contract each swinger couple already have. Up to me, a more interesting question would be how this works.

 

I have to admit we're very peculiar about our particular contract and swinging. We had a threesome with another woman that turned into a deep in love relation among the three of us, where we were confident enough as to let any of us to be alone with her, sleep with her alone, well, no restrictions at all. Even when the sexual aspects faded out, by now the love remains and she's our best fried and still we share a lot of time and activities with her. I know something like this is way off limits for a lot of swingers, but I don't know precisely why.

 

Perhaps this is an off topic deserving another thread, if so, I apologize in advance.

 

sereneiders

[pairbond 19]

We do whatever we and our partner feel like doing at the time. The only thing we reserve for each other is our special love for and commitment to each other. Heck, we were both married previously and had other sex partners between marriages, so there wasn't much left physically to reserve for each other anyway! And that in itself speaks volumes that it isn't reserving a physical act, but reserving emotional commitment, that makes a marriage strong.

[lcjtsd 20]

We have no restrictions at all. Our only rule is to have fun.

 

After reading all these posts I finally understand why it is so difficult for couples to find other couples. Y'all have too many rules!!!

 

We Surrender !

 

Every thread on this Message Board in which couples express their frustration in finding another couple only has to come to this thread and they will instantly understand why it is so difficult to find another couple.

 

Every couples' definition of "intimacy" and "safe" is different. It's a wonder anyone hooks up with anyone. Sometimes it feel just like.. head bang

[BLove 15]

I'm not sure I could really have sex without lots of passionate kissing and caressing. If things seem too restricted then I imagine things would seem unnatural and my husband and I love how natural swinging has become for us. We've only swung with one couple who we have known a long time and totally trust so maybe that makes it easier. We actually approached the idea of swinging when we both decided we missed hot makeout sessions (the kind where the newness gives you butterflies). I'll never again get butterflies when kissing my husband but I'll never love my swinging partner the way I love my husband. Relationships grow and change so swinging for us is a way to grow together and not give up the pure bliss of a new kiss.

[twoferfun69 15]

We are the same as "Happy People" in that we have no restrictions, save condoms. We reserve the bareback for just us. But to be more precise, we will behave to our playmates' requests and their personal boundaries. We won't NOT swing just because their rules say no intercourse, it's just a matter of respect.

[joenmichelle 15]

The words I LOVE You are reserved for my wife and I. As far as anything else goes, we are in it for the fun...I hope that makes sense.

[sereneiders 263]

The words I LOVE You are reserved for my wife and I. As far as anything else goes, we are in it for the fun...I hope that makes sense.

 

I does make sense, of course... but because it makes sense anything that works for the relationship.

 

Anyway, this has to do with my previous question. As for me, I don't expect her to have sex with someone while imposing some sort of limitation on her feeling about him or her, and the same way, I think I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex if I were unable to express the feelings triggered by the whole situation. In fact, I wouldn't define swinging, for us, as "recreational sex" and several couples here said it is for them, instead I prefer another way to put it, "a way to grow together" with my partner.

 

This leads to another related thought. Did you see when an adult ask a kid to tell who love him/her the most, if his/her daddy or his/her mommy? Well, I believe that's one of the most cruel questions you ever can ask someone to answer, and certainly I love my wife too much as to ask her such a question as for her to compare her love for me with her love for someone else. In the other hand, I am not going to bargain: I am with her because of what I feel about her more than my perception on what she feels about me.

[Tempest419 15]

 

This poll also leads to another question. From the "intimacy enforcement" perspective, how does it works the limitation to perform some acts while other acts are forbiden?...

 

I have to admit we're very peculiar about our particular contract and swinging. We had a threesome with another woman that turned into a deeph in love relation among the three of us, where we were confident enough as to let any of us to be alone with her, sleep with her alone, well, no restrictions at all. Even when the sexual aspects faded out, by now the love remains and she's our best fried and still we share a lot of time and activities with her. I know something like this is way off limits for a lot of swingers, but I don't know precicelly why.

 

Perhaps this is an off topic deserving another thread, if so, I appologize in advance.

 

sereneiders

 

 

Hi there...

 

I think I can see the difference here in what you are asking, and the responses you're getting... you are, or were just previously involved with, a polyamorous relationship. This is the intimacy of which you are curious... this is more similar to what my husband and I are participating in. This is more of a "swingers" board and most of the topics here center around particulars and mechanics of sex and the lifestyle.

 

I don't think you are by any means odd man out, however... our partner is also my best friend. We are not quite as advanced as you are, as in, they don't have relations w/o me however I am not opposed to the idea under the right circumstances at some point soon. If I were to be the last one working, for instance, in the near future and we have a "date" night planned then I would not mind if they got started... as I will be joining in soon anyway. She is beginning to date again anyway so she feels no need to establish an "intimate" relationship with him exclusive of me. Quite frankly I am uncomfortable with a full blown intimate relationship with them, i.e., I would friggin' torture him if he were to buy her roses on his own. So there ya go... buying 'em roses would be too intimate for MANY people's tastes on this board

 

Hope that answers more of your question about intimacy...

 

As for sex, with her we are able to go bareback. However, our rules are

 

1) No coming in her (he doesn't come in me while I'm off the pill)

2) No anal sex (which suits her fine as she's not into it)

 

That's all I can think of right now, can't imagine not kissing someone I'm having sex with!

 

~Tempest

[Tempest419 15]

PS... the Husband does get sucked off in lieu of coming inside... so he is not left unsatisfied!

 

facelick

 

~Tempest

[sereneiders 263]

... you are, or were just previously involved with, a polyamorous relationship. This is the intimacy of which you are curious... this is more similar to what my husband and I are participating in. This is more of a "swingers" board and most of the topics here center around particulars and mechanics of sex and the lifestyle.

 

Thanks Tempest.

 

Yep, I've reading recent posts where the term polyamorous bring up, and I agree that is what happened to us, and of course, it seems to be clear the difference between that and swinging. As for us, we're swingers because we're not looking for polyamorous relationships, but we're open for that to happen if the relation evolve that way. And even when in the middle of that relation, there was an explicit agreement about swinging: with or without her we were swinging with other people (it was a matter of availability and taste), and she was free to do the same without us, so in some sense, the only that defined the relation as "polyamorous" was the lack of limitation for our feelings among the three of us, and not a commitment between the three of us resembling the one we have as a couple.

 

So the question that I pointed out was related to how these limits works, whatever they were, as a possible example: "We don't want another guy to cum inside her BECAUSE Mr. feels her womb is sacred and preserved to him, so if Mrs. get pregnant, it wouldn't be a doubt of who the father would be".

 

The limit alone doesn't speak for who we are, and for me, swinging have a lot to do with who we are, to get connected with other people as deep as it's comfortable for everyone involved (and yep, that's a limit based on respect for each other).

 

sereneiders

[Tempest419 15]

So you're asking about the "whys" behind the limits, not the limits themselves.

 

Well there are several reasons why, and yes many people here probably set limits due to emotions; you seem to be asking why we can't fully emotionally explore others?

 

As for why do we have those two limits, the particulars of our relationship, they are both emotional and practical reasons, and I'm sure most people here would basically agree with them. (Although there are some open polyamorous folks here, and that's cool too).... as I mentioned I am not comfortable with there being a full-blown polyamorous relationship between the two of them for emotional reasons; quite frankly, we are busy people with a family and dividing up love and intense romantic interest to that extent (on either of our parts) with another person, when it's already limited for us, would make things unpleasant for everyone involved. That is my emotional limit, and his as well. She is in our life for vanilla functions as well, we all make a conscious effort to spend some time together, usually 2-3 days a week with her spending the night here (with or w/o sex) that we both enjoy, and we love her very much... but we also spend time apart. While she is very close to us and our marriage due to the intimacy right now, ultimately, she understands we have a marriage and family, and ultimately, she wants one of "her own" one day and has begun to date again, although I should say she is not interested in dating someone who is not open minded about swinging with the two of us eventually :-).

 

As for why I don't want him to come in her... some of it is a) he doesn't come in me right now except for certain occasions b/c I am not on the pill. And yes... out of jealousy probably, I don't want him having that fun with her all the time b/c she is still on the pill!

 

As for no anal, we are probably most like everyone else in that first of all, it's a delicate situation and you want to make sure you can trust the person... it is also indeed an emotional limit, in that we want to keep that one thing "sacred" to the two of us, i.e., sharing it only with each other.

 

Now... there are a whole bevy of practical issues in fully emotionally exploring a multi-relationship, and yes... one of them is practical, and that's the possibility of pregnancy. We had a small scare last month where my bf was a little late on getting her monthly moon, and she had been taking antibiotics for a sinus infection previously... yikes! She was sweating it out and sweet thing she is, didn't worry me with it til she actually got her period and heaved a sigh of relief. Point being... of course I have considered the possibility (there's ALWAYS a possibility of pregnancy with any sex) that it could happen and how I would react, and it's not where I choose to go so I set boundaries and we negotiate. Worst case scenario--while I believe I would deal in stride with such an outcome, b/c children are innocent and these are both people I love, and I went into it with my eyes open--I don't first choose to be a poly household and want all the ramifications of that. Telling the family, and the neighbors, and work... sheesh, no thanks--not my first choice right now.

 

OTOH, I am more "poly" than a typical swinger b/c I don't keep multiple partners or swing with strangers very often--I love my bf and my husband, we have known each other years and years, and we have very fond and loving feelings as well as a "commitment" to stick with her only for female sexual encounters.... Make sense???

 

Funny you are in Buenos Aires, my girlfriend is a first born US child of immigrants from Argentina... she just visited family there last January. And is quite the Latin beauty :-)

 

~Tempest

[swingsperience 15]

I don't. For some, kissing is considered a very romantic and intimate act. Amelia has no problems if I have sex with a another woman, or even go down on her, but I better not kiss her while I'm doing it!

 

Same here, I do agree with my girlfriend that french kissing is more intimate than being between someone's legs. I respect that, but personally I wouldn't have problems doing it. However, as in any relationship, it's giving and taking and I find it pretty damn cool that we're into the swinging thing anyway!!!

[sexcatgirl 15]

I think that I would say that anal is only for my hubby because it is not for me but he likes it and I only do it for him. Everything else pretty much goes but always safe.

[NandTfromCA 84]

I can completely understand the no kissing rule for people. Everyone swings a different way.

 

I'd like to hear from more of the 110+ respondants that said that's a rule for them. It couldbe that most of them have not had any swinging experience and that is the line they are drawing for now???

 

For N and I, anything goes accept sex without a condom. And of course the "L" word- we don't say that unless we mean it so if that got said to someone we swing with, we wouldhave bigger problems than an actual word.

 

To us, we just gotta kiss (we won't impose our views on anyone...we just don't play if it's someone else's rule)...we LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE kissing (oops, did I just say the "L" word?).

 

T (Mr)

[sexyshelby 19]

Ditto to sexcatgirl. Anal is reserved for my boyfriend. It's not that I don't enjoy it sometimes, but I don't trust anyone else.

 

Also bareback is only with my boyfriend too. Other than that, it's all fun and games.

 

~SS

[Better Half 15]

Safe sex first and foremost. Other than that, the only limits are related to what makes us and the other couple feel good and what does not.

[Spoomonkey 418]

I'd like to hear from more of the 110+ respondants that said that's a rule for them. It couldbe that most of them have not had any swinging experience and that is the line they are drawing for now???

 

You may be on to something. When we started, one of our first rules was "no kissing"... It didn't last past our early flirting stage, but we had it. By the time we had evolved to full swap, the "no kissing" rule was long gone.

 

On the other hand, we do know a couple who have this rule and keep it.

 

110 voting that way does seem abnormally high. Nothing wrong with having that rule at all, it just doesn't match our experiences in the lifestyle.

 

Spoomonkey

[Thrax 384]

Kissing? Although it is very intimate -- since it is face-to-face -- I think it's difficult to separate it from basic sexual activity. After all, it usually is a prime component of foreplay. And usually the most intriguing, satisfying, initially arousing part of foreplay. Not that I am in love with the woman I'm having intercourse with -- the target of my affection -- but I am interested, excited, and looking forward to exploring more with her.

 

And during face-to-face intercourse, kissing is the secondary sexual link. Some sex therapists say that the most exciting thing for a woman is that when a man realizes how close she is orgasm, he kisses her...the combination of vaginal/clitoral stimulation and kissing is apparently a real turn-on for a lot of women.

 

I think the intimacy problem might arise particularly with regard to "after" play. Once the screwing is done, during the cool-down period, how much kissing is acceptable? A little tongue-dueling as a finishing gesture and then that's it? A couple of minutes of kissing? What?

 

Just curious.

 

Thrax

[keysync 15]

We have had sex without condoms but only with a couple we've known for 2o years. and both men are fixed. So we even finish inside. However french kissing would not be cool.

 

Strange rules huh? You can cum inside my pussy but don't kiss me.

 

I think that's where we take the act into levels. Lovemaking, Sex, and Fucking. Sex is what we do with friends. Just sex nothing more.

[MarriedNY'ers69 19]

We are a non kissing couple. We kiss other body parts but not on the lips no french kissing. That's how we feel comfortable. I don't need to explain myself

[Spoomonkey 418]

I don't need to explain myself

 

You absolutely do not have to explain yourself. Your comfort zones are yours alone and no one can press those. If doing something would feel wrong - that is good enough for you to have a rule against it.

 

Spoomonkey

[angelrose85053 16]

Holding Hands and actually SLEEPING with the other person(s).

[Guest dscouple2]

We are softies, we do all but penetration. I don't particularly care to lie and cuddle afterwards, E does (except with him). I would prefer - in someone's home, go have a snack -we're always hungry after sex and caffine and cig, or at a club, go back to the bar area. Talk somemore, flirt somemore. I like to reserve my most intimatices for my man.

 

Bad annie

[cj22s 15]

Condoms are a must; we are clean and hope to stay that way but mostly because I am not on the pill. (I know I should be if I plan on playing around but that is another thread). As for kissing I had no idea there were so many people out there who felt that way. I can't imagine having having sex with someone without ever kissing them!

 

Sex is a much more intimate act than kissing, it involves your whole body and requires complete comfort with yourself your SO and you partners for the evening. With that much intimacy already out in the open how is something so small as a simple kiss too much? I'm not saying that your feelings are in any way wrong, I am just trying to understand the difference.

[DGrey 28]

We play with one couple without condoms, we've known them for a while and both of us females are on the pill. When we play with other couples, we use condoms as do they. Nothing is off limits though as long as everyone feels comfortable. I happen (Erika) to enjoy anal very much and if I'm in the mood for it and it happens, great. For that though, condoms are always used regardless of who I'm with.

 

E&D

[bourbonnchristi 15]

The only thing we WILL NOT do with partners is intercourse without a condom. We haven't gotten in a situation with anal yet so we haven't had to worry about that. Everythign else is good to go, for now.

[MikeandDawn 59]

Dawn was reading the results over my shoulder and wondered aloud how 5 times more people have a problem with their partner's mouth touching someones else's mouth than that person's genitals. It doesn't bother either of us, but I could see where it could bother others. Dawn and I traditionally engage in rather intimate relationships with our male partners anyways.

[2jersey 15]

We accept the notion that all sexual activity is a manifestation of lust, rather than love.

 

Our love for one another is sacred, but we have no boundaries on safe sexual activity.

 

Intercourse without a condom is not, in our view, any more intimate than intercourse with a condom – it is, however, unsafe in many/most situations.

 

Anal sex is not, in our view, any more intimate than vaginal sex. It is, however, something which we rarely enjoy – so we probably won’t do it with play partners.

 

For us, kissing, cuddling, etc… are integral to the sexual experience – and we have no reservations about performing these acts with play partners (before, during, and immediately after a sex act).

 

We can only think of one boundary which is somewhat related to intimacy. Mr 2jersey won’t spank female play partners – but he is willing to lightly spank Mrs 2jersey (if asked). Mrs 2jersey is happy to spank females, so we, as a team, can satisfy that desire when it arises.

[stillconsiderin 15]

For some reason this is something I have thought long and hard about. For me and hubby, we're pretty much open to most things, as long as we are together (in the same room), except intercourse without a condom and for me, anal sex with anyone other than my hubby is out of the question. As far as kissing, I would always respect another's boundaries but I would find it very hard for me to be intimate with them on any level without it. I think Thrax summed up most of my thoughts on this subject.

 

Kissing? Although it is very intimate -- since it is face-to-face -- I think it's difficult to separate it from basic sexual activity. After all, it usually is a prime component of foreplay. And usually the most intriguing, satisfying, initially arousing part of foreplay. Not that I am in love with the woman I'm having intercourse with -- the target of my affection -- but I am interested, excited, and looking forward to exploring more with her.

 

And during face-to-face intercourse, kissing is the secondary sexual link. Some sex therapists say that the most exciting thing for a woman is that when a man realizes how close she is orgasm, he kisses her...the combination of vaginal/clitoral stimulation and kissing is apparently a real turn-on for a lot of women.

 

The Lady of Still

[BedroomEyes 15]

We're just starting out, so we decided a few rules will apply-

 

No anal for her from "the other man"

No oral from him to "the other woman"

 

That's about it. We think (so far) that most anything else will go, except for condoms are a must until all new partners show a clean bill of health.

[good times 990]

no oral from him to "the other woman"

Ok, I gotta ask because I have never heard of that one, why no oral? The reason I ask is that I have just never heard of that one, and in all the encounters we have had oral was one of the main activities practiced and expected by all.

[2jersey 15]

Ok, I gotta ask because I have never heard of that one, why no oral? The reason I ask is that I have just never heard of that one, and in all the encounters we have had oral was one of the main activities practiced and expected by all.

 

We read a profile today where the man said he liked to give oral to women but he did not like to receive oral. That was extremely unusual.

 

We see lots of women who will receive oral from women but not give oral to to women. They are usually newbie bi-curious - we're not interested in that arrangement, but grateful that we know about it in advance.

 

In our play book - everyone gives and receives.

[DBL D 120]

...We can only think of one boundary which is somewhat related to intimacy. Mr 2jersey won’t spank female play partners – but he is willing to lightly spank Mrs 2jersey (if asked). Mrs 2jersey is happy to spank females, so we, as a team, can satisfy that desire when it arises.

 

Now you guys are getting wierd on us.... facelick

 

U No Hoo

[DBL D 120]

Ok, I gotta ask because I have never heard of that one, why no oral? The reason I ask is that I have just never heard of that one, and in all the encounters we have had oral was one of the main activities practiced and expected by all.

 

Excellent question. Inquiring minds Want To Know!

 

Male D

[brightcrue 15]

I am the same way he can do just about anything as long as a condom is on, but kissing another women is out of the question, that is a romantic love act. I would never kiss another man nor could another man do anal to me, that is only my hubby's butt!!!!

[good times 990]

We read a profile today where the man said he liked to give oral to women but he did not like to receive oral. That was extremely unusual.

I just recently met a woman at a club that said she just didn't like receiving oral and that I can understand, different strokes, and all that. The part I was curious about though from this post is why one would have a rule of refusing to give oral. No big deal, just curious what the reasoning behind that rule is.

[DBL D 120]

Good Times?

 

It must have something to do with intimacy. You wear a condom because you don't trust your partners...so why in the world do oral. It must seem like a direct connection to them, which of course it is. Why use a condom if you are going to do oral?

 

Another may be that it has to do with being something special between the couple.

 

Other than really not liking it (probably because no one ever did it right to her/him) they just forgo the pleasure. Problems' solution...we just won't go there.

 

Male D

[prettylady 221]

Dog and I are setting our boundaries. I said that there is really no problem with anything YET. I need to be in the situation and see how I react. BUT and this is a big BUT, Dog touches me in a way that I really don't think I could watch him do to another woman. I know, how do you have sex with out touching. It's not that it is....well that certain touch, were he gets lost in just looking and touching. So I guess he can't touch or LOOK at another woman. Just kidding :rollseyes:

 

Your friend,

Prettylady

[twoforone100 45]

Condoms are a must and Pattie does not do anal. She would let me if the girl is willing. Other than that we are open. Patrick Pattie

[2GirlsGoodBenBa 16]

Kissing is reserved for the both of us to share with one another including sex without protection if there is such a thing between two women :?

[jama42guns 15]

For us (we only want a male partner to join) it varies. I have no problem with any contact between my wife and a man she is comfortable with. Actually the more intimate the contact, the more of a turn on it is for me. For her she feels that the barriers come down as she becomes more comfortable. Much like dating.

[kenora_guy 16]

For me, I put down other. Being a single male on the circuit and what I have now classified myself as bi-adventurous (some may say I'm tri-sexual) I have to say that I am open to almost anything.

 

Depending on the couple and how well we know each other I may say that rimming her is out, at least at first, although I'd be ok with either both performing it on me (I know it sounds a little strange as I key this but that is my feeling at this point)... And I say that even though I thoroughly enjoy rimming the right woman.

 

As far as any tongue to butt on the other guy, that would be out as I am not a Top and have no desire to stimulate his back end.

[lost_j1 5]

To me sometimes a long slow deep french kiss can be more intimate then intercourse. Sex is not sex without some kissing and I understand that, but long deep kisses before and after to me is very intimate and would prefer that to be shared between wife and me. No glove no love and I will stand fast for that, too many creepy crawlies out there. Anal is something I find intimate between people, but Iam open to an extent on this one. I also feel that oral is okay, but no cumming in the mouth. That is something I also feel should be shared between a couple as a Intimate thing. I would prefer a guys uses a condom with oral. No condoms is like playing with a loaded gun. How would you feel if your other half came down with some creepy crawly because of unprotected sex? I seen out here about he or she is fixed, but that still does nothing for STD's. I would like to enjoy sex with others and still live see my kids gow old. Like the sex classes gowing up, you are sleeping with everyone else you partners has. STD's might not show up right away and some person or couple could have been with a few couples that month before doing you.

[DBL D 120]

Personally, I really don't like to kiss unless it is a deep one. The tongue-touching in mid air isn't all that exciting for me. I want to get turned on, and the best way to do that is to do things the way you like to do them with your SO.

 

Totally understand your concerns about the condom issue. You'll have to come to grips with it sooner or later. I still espouse that swingers are "cleaner than the clergy", so we don't worry about "accidents" much, not like in the beginning of our journey.

 

Male D

[Rvrtas 15]

For us? Condoms and no anal for all but each other. Otherwise, we have none of the limits in the poll.