Female trying to find her way

[Interestme82 10]

Hi out there. I’m married and in an evolving relationship. Last year I did a burlesque photo shoot for him as a gift. He loved the way it turned out but asked if I’d be willing to do something more risqué in the future. I got a reference from the original photographer (female) and told my husband the new photographer would be a male. Being the protective husband he is we both requested a meeting over a cup of coffee. We met which was great and made things all the more comfortable. I loved what I saw from his book and my husband did as well. 
 

We had the shoot and the pictures came out great. He got really turned on by knowing another guy was doing the pictures. I was shocked. I asked him if he’d consider doing a couples shoot with me and he said he’d try but was reluctant. Pretty soon after he agreed and we were off again.

 

Prior to the shoot my husband and the photographer talked about his career. My husband, who’s faithful, shocked me a bit with his envy and open talk about what the photographer experienced. I’m extremely open and joined in the conversation. Both of us felt like we were conversing with someone we really liked and knew a lot longer than we actually did. Unfortunately my husband had difficulties getting hard which is completely out of the ordinary. The photographer said it happened a lot and just to relax. 
 

Surprisingly at my husband's request he asked for me to do a POV shoot the photographer showed us in his book. Basically it’s the photographer including himself in various ways while taking the pictures. As we started taking the pictures I liked being touched by the photographer even though it wasn’t active foreplay or sex. It really was strictly for the pictures themselves. During the pictures my husband quickly got hard and watched. Eventually the photographer asked him if he was going to get involved. The rest of the shoot went as we planned. Afterwards we all sat around and talked and went through the pictures.

 

Some time passed again and we talked a lot about the fun we had with it. My husband admitted he liked watching the photographer touch me and if not for that he may have been to nervous to get hard. 

I really want this to develop further but I’m apprehensive because it’s a major change in life obviously. I’m also not sure about how I feel about seeing him with someone else. When I say I’m not sure I mean most likely not. I don’t even really think he wants to. I almost feel like if I bring that up it will be too much too fast. Multiple times when having sex we’ve dirty talked about me doing another shoot and giving myself up. I’d feel more comfortable to actually do it than talk about it. 
 

I feel like my husband has opened a door that I want to walk into. Am I reading it wrong? Is it best for me to just set something else up and let it work itself the way it will? Based on our interactions I have no doubt the photographer would be into it also. Would I be going to far given our relationship if I reached out to the him and told him how I feel, how my husband feels, and confirm he’d say yes? 

 

 

[enhancer 1,542]

First of all welcome to the site!  It is completely normal for you to have the wants and feelings you do.  You are human after all.
 

The thing is nobody here is going to have the answers you seek, because everyone is different and has their own unique relationships.
 

Really the first thing you should do is sit down with your partner and have a real conversation about your wants and his without judgement from either of you. Not well you are going at it in the bedroom either. That is the first step in exploring the lifestyle.  If you can’t get by that step it will be very hard to get to the next step without issues coming up.  Communication is the most important thing in all regards when it comes to expanding your relationship.

 

Good luck on your journey.

[njbm 2,728]

You could take the next step and go to a swingers’ meet and greet. They are often held in bars, clubs and restaurants and everyone is dressed. It’s (usually) fun to talk to the other nuts and sluts and you certainly do not have to go further sexually, but you will have a better idea if you want to sexually open your relationship. If you don’t want to swing, that’s fine. But you may find such an evening a turn on for the two of you. The listings are on swingers’ websites like SLS. 

Edited October 28, 2021 by njbm

[Anon321 481]

Sounds like there is an opening there to me.  I think it's worth a conversation between the two of you.  How far did it actually go with the photographer?  One of my buddies is into photography and film and makes great videos with my GF either with him and her or her with other men.  I love watching the videos and pictures or being there as they are being filmed and helping with the filming but I can certainly understand how someone gets stage fright.  I have had several MFM threesomes with my buddy and my GF without the cameras but when the cameras come in I don't really like to be front and center. My GF loves being filmed and having pictures taken so I've taken the edge off in the past with alcohol and have done it but it's not necessarily easy for everyone and I can see how it can affect one's performance.  The fact that it took another man touching you to get your husband to overcome that signals that it might be worth further exploring.

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

First thing is to make sure your relationship is rock solid with an abundance of love, trust and communication. The thing that overcomes jealousy is trust. Trust comes from great communication. Great communication increases the love. More love leads to better trust (it's a horrible upwards spiral ). Once you are here then talk to him...about everything but especially his and your fantasies. See where that leads and it sounds like it will lead where you are thinking about going. Take your time, but once you both know that you are (possibly) on the same path, the walk together becomes easier. Let us know how things are going.

[Interestme82 10]

Thank you for the responses everyone! We were in the track for opening up more and more over the past while. This seemed to accelerate it a bit. I was shocked when he was ok with a male photographer and even more shocked when he watched me do the pov. It tuned me on having him watch me and watching him play with himself. 
 

The pov wasn’t anything too involved. He would use a hand or a finger or two to touch or spread. He pinched and grabbed my boobs, spread my lips apart, rubbed my asshole, and stuck his fingers in my mouth. The entire time I really wanted him to go further or have my husband encourage him to go further. Having both of them touch me indescribable. At one point I almost pushed the limits myself as I had my arm wrapped around his groin area. I wanted to grab his crotch so bad but I backed off.

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

Part of your talking should involve setting rules and limits, and they should always be talked about OUTSIDE of a sexual situation. Keeping in mind, once you set them, they can always be modified later. When we first started, we had a 'no kissing' rule (as lots of others have had as well). After our first experience, we quickly realized that our 'no kissing' rule (which we both felt strongly about before our first experience) was silly and we set it aside. Still, we THOUGHT it was important before we realized it wasn't.Set your rules and limits and stick to them since you can always change them later when you have a chance to talk about what happened. It takes the "I wanted to grab his crotch so bad but I backed off" out of the equation since you already know if it is okay or not.

[Interestme82 10]

All very interesting advice and much more in detail than I had considered. 
 

So we reached out to the photographer and met for a drink. I was more than a little taken aback by his initial response which was no. My heart sunk a little until he provided his explanation. He explained there’s a line which has been drawn by he and his wife and that anything beyond artistic application is not allowed. 
 

Interestingly though we had a long and productive conversation about the subject. The conversation led to a couple he’s also friends with and who have been swinging for several years. Although well to do professionals, they sometimes take part as help for shoots he does with other women and couples. I was a little nervous once he presented it as a possible option but liked 😍🤤 what I saw.

 

Yesterday we ended up meeting the couple for a drink as well and it went great. They are definitely a couple we can get along with. We made it clear with each other we’d just go to get a feel for them and not get anywhere close to anything sexual which we both accomplished and failed at. We got along so well that it got very flirtatious not only because our attraction physically but also because they seem to be great people. Eventually we made out with the other’s partner and ended going home and having the best sex with each other. It may be a little quick but we’re getting together tonight and going to a small concert at a great venue together with them and one of their couple friends. Fingers crossed I’m so excited!
 

 

[cplnuswing 4,711]

Good for you! Sounds like a fortunate turn of events right there, and you may be one of the lucky few couples for which everything falls into place early on.  It's an unfortunate truth that swinging, at least successful swinging, is WAY harder and more work than people think. A lot of non-swingers seem to think that al it takes is two sets of strangers getting within 10 feet of each other, the clothes automatically fall off, everyone is turned on beyond belief, and and mind-blowing sex follows.  Absolutely not the case. In fact, a lot of new couples who are doing everything right with going slow, communicating, etc. etc. still end up giving up just out of frustration.  But when it works right, and all of the pieces magically fall into place with the right people, then it can be awesome.  It usually takes a lot of patience and perseverance to get to that point though.

 

You've gotten lots of good advice above, and with your latest update have kind of moved past some of it already, but one thing I would give a second to is the swingers club or meet and greet. In effect, that's what you are doing, just a different route. Just being around swingers and talking to them will do a lot to help you decide where you two want to take this.  Also, you can ease into things since if someone flirting or some close dancing or a little touchy-feely causes issues, then that's a strong signal to proceed with caution. Just take your time, I always say slow and steady wins the swinging race.  It's when people get frustrated and make rash decisions and move too fast is usually when the race is lost.

 

Good luck tonight!  I know, it is very exciting Just focus on you and your husband having a fun night out together with some new friends with no expectations other than that and you almost can't go wrong.

[Interestme82 10]

19 hours ago, cplnuswing said:

Good for you! Sounds like a fortunate turn of events right there, and you may be one of the lucky few couples for which everything falls into place early on.  It's an unfortunate truth that swinging, at least successful swinging, is WAY harder and more work than people think. A lot of non-swingers seem to think that al it takes is two sets of strangers getting within 10 feet of each other, the clothes automatically fall off, everyone is turned on beyond belief, and and mind-blowing sex follows.  Absolutely not the case. In fact, a lot of new couples who are doing everything right with going slow, communicating, etc. etc. still end up giving up just out of frustration.  But when it works right, and all of the pieces magically fall into place with the right people, then it can be awesome.  It usually takes a lot of patience and perseverance to get to that point though.

 

You've gotten lots of good advice above, and with your latest update have kind of moved past some of it already, but one thing I would give a second to is the swingers club or meet and greet. In effect, that's what you are doing, just a different route. Just being around swingers and talking to them will do a lot to help you decide where you two want to take this.  Also, you can ease into things since if someone flirting or some close dancing or a little touchy-feely causes issues, then that's a strong signal to proceed with caution. Just take your time, I always say slow and steady wins the swinging race.  It's when people get frustrated and make rash decisions and move too fast is usually when the race is lost.

 

Good luck tonight!  I know, it is very exciting Just focus on you and your husband having a fun night out together with some new friends with no expectations other than that and you almost can't go wrong.

Thank you so much for that! Originally we talked about doing the swingers resort or bar scenario and it felt more forced than just happening. No offense to those who go that route but I don’t think it’s for us, at least not now. 
 

Last night felt very natural and smooth, really like another night out except for an added bit of excitement and nervousness. Im not so sure this is the area of the site to get into details so I will spare them. Unfortunately toward the end of the night I got my period and it was bad to boot. Really disappointing but at the same time it was a great night!

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

For some swingers, it's just sex and the other couple doesn't matter much, to others there needs to be a bit of a connection. We are connection people too. That's what makes it harder since there's no telling if there is a connection until you actually meet and see. It can be frustrating and it can be difficult to find, and sometimes you may find that connection only to find that they didn't feel the same. Once you do find that four way connection, it is amazing and all the time, effort, and frustration will instantly be worth it.

[Sophy 551]

Communication is the key: Communicate, communicate and communicate all the time!

Check in with your partner every single step you or he makes, review together your feelings and impressions. Later on, your desires and fantasies will open up and you guys will have tons of fun.