Overcoming Trauma

[peachy-keen001 0]

Hi All, 

 

Serious topic here, and trigger warning for anyone not looking to read about emotionally heavy topics involving depression, anger and emotional abuse. Thanks in advance to anyone who can offer serious advice. 
 

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and while mostly the times have been good, there have been some hard times. My husband is a wonderful man who has many positive attributes but struggled for years with depression and insecurity. When we first got together (very young) I was relatively little experienced but sexually open minded, very sexually comfortable, and was eager to explore. He had been with one other person in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

 

Throughout our relationship he has had several major depressive cycles, and during the low points of these cycles he would have anger management issues and obsessiveness. He would become hyper focused on sexual issues, such as the (few) number of past partners I had, what I did with them in detail, how they compared to him, etc. He would obsessively imagine my past and become upset and angry with me.  He would also become hyper sexual and needy. Over the years I begged him to start therapy, but he was afraid we couldn’t afford it. Overtime, his depressive cycles, pain and anger escalated to him emotionally lashing out (never physically). He would say very hurtful things such as we needed to have a threesome so that he could settle the score, that was the only way his obsessive thoughts would go away, or him needing to have a threesome to make up for the fact that I wasn’t a virgin. Overtime, I essentially “lost” my sex drive from the shame and grief, this of course compounded his insecurities. 
 

Eventually (far to late of course) I gave him an ultimatum of therapy or divorce. We have been in marriage therapy for two years, as well as individual therapy separately. He is also on anti-depressants now. We have made much progress rebuilding our relationship and re-establishing communication, trust, respect, etc, as well as working to rebuild our sexual relationship. He has processed that he is genuinely interested in swinging, and that part of his anger involved not being able to accept his own sexually interests before, and looking to justify them by any means necessary before. For my part, I am opened minded generally about the idea of swinging as concept, and most of my go-to fantasies involve multiple people. However, I am still so hurt by the past, that whenever the idea comes up I reflexively cry and feel as though I’m about to have a panic attack. I’m interested in exploring the topic but it is just so hard overcome the trauma and anxiety it brings. This is an active topic in personal therapy and active subject we discuss together. He is very apologetic and understanding now. However, it hasn’t totally helped yet alleviate the hurt inside or taken the edge off the reflexive reaction. 
 

I was wondering if anyone had advice on dealing with relationship specific trauma and stigma associated with swinging as opposed to cultural/parental/religious stigma. It is helpful to talk with our therapists but might be more insightful to connect with someone who has lived something similar. 

[cplnuswing 4,711]

Welcome to the Swingers Board! Thank you for your thoughtful and thought-provoking post.  There are a lot of very wise people here, so I'm sure you will get some good advice and feedback.

 

I can't say I have any experience with the relationship specific type trauma and stigma, so I don't have any personal experience to draw on there for advice.  So instead of trying to fake it, I will just leave that up to others who hopefully can give better answers.  I will say after reading your post that I commend you both for doing the hard, and yes, sometimes painful, work that it takes to keep a relationship going and make it a lasting one.

 

I would offer this advice though based on my sense of where you both are at.  Take your time, and take baby steps.  People often throw caution to the wind and dive right in.  I think that's a mistake for most, and often doesn't turn out well in the long run.  Don't let any feeling of pressure, either from outside or inside, dictate the speed at which you move.  There are a lot of ways to dip your toe into swinging to see how it feels.  And, since it's just a toe in the water, if it turns out you don't like the feel, then not going to be any harm done. 

 

For example, attending some off-premise meet and greets would be a good way to get a feel for what swingers are like.  Events like that are usually held at a bar, etc., and since the events are out in public, then by necessity going to be relatively tame.  Most couples are willing to help answer questions for newcomers. At an off-premise event, they aren't going there with their mind on playing as much, more just hanging out with friends. So, it's just a more laid-back casual atmosphere with more time for in-depth conversation than say a Saturday night at an on-premise swingers club.  You might want to try a few different ones too.  Just like any other club or group, the overall vibe depends on the members and sort of self selects over time to fit the majority.  So a more laid back group focused more on the social aspects is probably going to be seen as kind of boring by someone more focused on the sex, and those folks will likely move on to another group quick.  Same holds true going the other direction too.  Usually you can pick up some hints on what the group is like just from how they do their event listings.

 

If that goes well and this is still something you both want to pursue, then you can move on to attending a swingers club or house party.  No always means no, and there should never be any pressure to play, but these type events are going to be a little more intense.  Still worth doing though even if you just sit at a table in a dark corner and watch.  You'll pick up a lot from just watching others.  Again, each club has it's own vibe, and even different nights of the week at the same club can have a different vibe.  I'd recommend sticking to couples-only nights at first.

 

If you guys aren't the clubbing type, then that's fine too.  Some people like clubs, some don't. Even if you decide to forego the clubbing in favor of looking online for couples to meet one on one to see if there is any chemistry there, I still believe the meet and greets are a good first step.  I believe getting the chance to talk to swingers face to face in a non-threatening environment will be super helpful given some of the feelings you have expressed.

 

Good luck!  To me, the Cardinal Rules of Swinging are 1) Have fun!, and the most important one, 2) Have fun together!  If each step along the way, both of you are having fun, then that's a pretty good sign you are in a safe and good place and might want to consider giving the next step a try too.

[Thegreyarea 99]

The only advice I will offer is to make sure you’re both solid in your relationship before attempting swinging. Getting into the lifestyle will magnify everything. I’ve seen a few relationships implode because they thought it would fix their troubled marriage. Good luck in your journey.