Scared, betrayed, excited, I need advice

[Pianobear2679 0]

Hi all.

 

I've been married to my husband for 4 years. He recently shared with me he wanted to get back into the lifestyle. He had been in it years ago. I wasn't very open about it when he 1st brought it up mostly because I didn't really understand what was happening or anything about the lifestyle and frankly our sex life sucked so I just assumed he was looking for ways of sleeping with someone because he didn't find me attractive or desirable. 

 

A few weeks ago he told me he has been in a lifestyle group for about 6 months and ended up attending a party. At first he said he said he didn't play but then it came out he did sleep with someone at the party. 

 

This led me to feel utterly betrayed.  I knew I didn't want a divorce and wanted to work through this. We've been seeing a counselor and our relationship is getting stronger by the day. And our sex life is totally different.  It went from me basically begging for it and not getting any for months to him finally initiating it daily and letting me truly be free and it's been amazing. He's being 100% honest with me about his feelings on multiple levels. 

 

I ended up joining the chat group. I wanted to get to know all these people he really likes and there are aspects of this I've always fantasied about. I've always wanted to be in a threesome with men and women. I also love showing my body off and being told by strangers how sexy I am.

 

So after 2 weeks of dealing with this I said I was in for giving this a try and we committed to going to a upcoming event mostly a meet and greet only.

 

I have mixed emotions about this because the women he slept with will be there. He knows im very scared to meet her and when I said she deserves to know that I had no idea about that night he said he can't share that with her.  I learned the group had no idea I wasn't part of this lifestyle that he hadn't been honest with the group or this woman. And to tell her he didn't have permission to play or that I had no idea about this side would basically black list him and he really likes this group of people a lot. The fear of him losing this group of people was as great as losing me.

 

so here I am like a new born baby going into this with people who think I've been doing this forever and seeing a women my husband slept with. I'm so scared and have no one to speak with about it. I'm terrified what will happen when I see the gal he slept with. I'm really struggling with the though of him wanting to sleep with her again plus a lot of other things.  

 

I'm so scared because I'm a baby about to attend a party where everyone thinks I've been part of this..

 

what if I get jealous, what if I can't handle seeing him make out with people. I feel lost and confused.

 

Any advice to help settle my nerves would be awesome.

 

Thanks.

 

[MrandMrsAgf 14]

I am so sorry. I can imagine all the feelings you are feeling. 
 

my husband and I are talking about joining the LS and I am scared too. We have a wonderful marriage, and I’m scared it could wreck it. It’s a big giant leap to take. 

[Lionheart72 2,186]

OK, well I'm not going to be any help at all.

 

To summarize - your husband cheated on you and lied to his friends. Now he is asking you - the person he betrayed - to help him continue to lie to the people he betrayed you with because he also betrayed them.

 

The foundation of swinging is open, honest communication. Your husband knows this and knows he is wrong, otherwise he would not be asking you to lie for him.

 

Your husband should be outed to his group and should be blacklisted by them. 

 

How you handle his lying and cheating in your marriage is entirely up to you but my advice is very much to not continue to enable his lying and cheating.

Edited August 19, 2021 by Lionheart72

[udsarge 119]

Danger, danger, danger! This is not swinging. This is cheating, and you shouldn't enable this. Swinging isn't supposed to be a way to fix a broken marriage. It's supposed to be a decision that both parties willingly undertake together. He went back into swinging without you, and the journey is supposed to be taken together. If he hadn't slept with another woman, would you even be contemplating a dip into the lifestyle? This sounds like your trying to justify and enable his poor decision, and all kinds of red flags are popping up.

[enhancer 1,542]

My opinion is your husband is a lying piece of shit and does not deserve you or the group of lifestyle people he has been lying too!  You can do better then this.  I have no advice on what you should do at this party other then not to let him drag you down this bad karma ride with him.  This guy would be kicked out of any real lifestyle group immediately if people knew what he was really about.  How you could ever trust him again is beyond me.

[lovefest04 685]

I'm not sure I've see another post with so much deceit.

 

Joined a group but didn't tell you - lie 1

told you about a meeting after the fact - lie 2

Told you he attended a meet but was celibate - lie 3

then starts having sex with you and being "honest" - manipulative and probably lying. (my guess no facts to prove that)

100% honest but wants you to lie about his permission and your participation

 

I'm sorry, but his trying to 'sell' this behavior as wanting to swing when it's simply him having an affair and hoping you'll come along like a good girl is crazy.

 

You deserve better.

 

Edited August 19, 2021 by lovefest04

[NWAtlSwing 487]

4 minutes ago, lovefest04 said:

I'm not sure I've see another post with so much deceit.

 

Joined a group but didn't tell you - lie 1

told you about a meeting after the fact - lie 2

Told you he attended a meet but was celibate - lie 3

then starts having sex with you and being "honest" - manipulative and probably lying. (my guess no facts to prove that)

100% honest but wants you to lie about his permission and your participation

 

I'm sorry, but his trying to 'sell' this behavior as wanting to swing when it's simply him having an affair and hoping you'll come along like a good girl is crazy.

 

You deserve better.

 

Yes

[cplnuswing 4,711]

I second everything above.

 

I was sort of ok with this, and giving you huge kudos for being as understanding and forgiving and open as you are being. Then we got to the part about it being the same group, your feelings about that, and his pressuring you to still attend.  That's when I called bullshit and switched to hell no.  He should be thanking his lucky stars he even still has you at all, and then on top of that, a wife that is open to at least considering swinging, which the vast majority of men can only dream of.  He is in no place to be trying to call the shots at all, none, zero.

 

To me, this behavior shows swinging is still about all about him.  Just like using swinging to cheat before was all about him.  Swinging is something done together.  If he can't handle your ground rules without complaint or resentment, then I think it would be very wise to put this whole idea aside for now and work on the core of the relationship.

[shecurioushenot 22]

Find somebody better, this man is a lying piece of shit and does not deserve you. Swinging is about open and hones communication and you are being cheated on, lied to and now he is asking you to be part of his lying and manipulations. Find somebody better, you are an amazing and loyal woman and there are many men out there who would be happy to be part of your life - choose somebody better next time.  

[Thegreyarea 99]

You should just agree to go then out him once you’re there. This is the kind of thing that gives swinging a bad name. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

First of all: I'm sorry to hear this. Now go back and reread what has been said (especially Lionheart). If you aren't mad at your husband (and you should be) then there are even larger problems looming. If you are somewhat surprised at the responses, that is because cheating (what your husband did) is the exact opposite of swinging. Swinging is something that you do WITH your partner, with their full consent. It is done together as a team out in the open with love, trust and open communication. Cheating is done in in the dark and in secret, without your partner and involves no love or trust, only deceit and lies. It is something they have done for themselves, damn their partner. 

 

DO NOT GO FORWARD!!!

 

Swinging WILL make a great relationship even better, but it works as a magnifying glass and make all of the flaws much larger. Your relationship isn't anywhere strong enough for swinging and it sounds like you are thinking if you go along with him, it will fix what is already seriously damaged...it WON'T. Even if you were really interested in swinging (it sounds like you are only doing this to appease your husband), it won't. Doing it once with him thinking that now he'll be satisfied is the wrong thing to think...it is actually giving him permission to keep doing it with your blessing and knowledge from his perspective. If you think he's now being 100% honest, then you are not even being honest with yourself, because he surely isn't.  

 

Since it sounds like you want to remain together, the first thing is he MUST STOP everything with this group. No contact whatsoever, especially with the other woman he was with. The two of you can then work on fixing the damage he caused and try to repair the love and trust you had. He needs to understand that his life should be an open book for you to check any time you want to VERIFY that he is doing what he says he is (since he wasn't doing this before). Once you have started repairing the mess he caused...and it will take time, LOTS of time (probably years), and he has proven himself to be trustworthy, then you can maybe think about swinging together, but only if you are really interested. You cannot go into swinging with the attitude that you are taking one for the team just because he wants to do it. He should be doing it because YOU want to do it, and not just for himself. Personally, I don't know if you will ever be ready at this point, but there's always a chance. I do wish you luck, but don't just give him a pass. What he did is inexcusable and shouldn't just be forgotten about. I'm glad that things seem to be improving, but it is the long term that counts and you can only find out what that will be like in the long term. It will take time. Good luck and know that we are here if you need someone to talk with or ask questions.

[lcmim 1,008]

I totally agree with NOT doing anything in the LS until the two of you are on a very solid footing. From what you are saying that will be a while even with the counseling. I agree with making any decision about the LS until after you have reached that point. Swinging should not even be seen as a goal, by either of you.

I agree that he has been untruthful. I agree that the lady in question needs to disappear from the equation. (It would be best if he were honest about why, but I wouldn't bet on it.)

 

I can not be quite as sure about the blanket condemnation of him, his actions and proposal yes, but not him. 

 

I think we have all at some point done something really stupid and either been tempted to, or actually did, cover it with a lie.

 

The doing something stupid happens. Covering it with a lie is a juvenile response at best. It could also be abusive at worst. That is your call perhaps with some outside help.

 

At ant rate, you are worth taking control of the situation. I think that your husband has given up that prerogative. This is really up to him to fix not you, and he needs to do this by actions not words.

 

You can be a solid wife to him, by being strong and not allowing situations to get worse. You can be a solid wife to him be being your better self and not allowing yourself the temptation to be vengeful or recriminating. 

 

If you hope to salvage this, he does need to be able to redeem himself.   He needs to know that is a possibility.

You need to be able to see him as redeemed.

 

 In the meanwhile , however , go back to being strictly monogamous. If you can being sexually active within your couple may be healing for both of you.

 

 

[couplers 4,140]

Just to show you what a crazy bitch I am, if this happened to me I would order my husband to take me to a party with these people and tell him to fuck that woman in front of me.  I would own what he had done, own him and reconcile myself with her.  Then I would explore what was possible and follow my instincts.  Probably I would want to eat her out (to show him that I can please her as much as he did) and fuck some guy (to show my husband what I can do).  Is this what I would actually do?  Yes, and probably something more unpredictable and contrary to what everyone would expect.  That's me.

Edited August 27, 2021 by couplers