Communication rules for open marriage?

[Swingers5209 0]

Hi, so wife and I are comfortable with the swingers lifestyle but we have said that we are both ok with sleeping with people separately. However, we have come across a problem and I'm not sure if I'm the problem or if she is.

 

My wife has been in the lifestyle for far longer than me and has a vast amount of experience. A while ago we went to a club and there she met the club manager and they started talking. After leaving the club they carried on chatting on a daily basis, and when I asked her what they where talking about she would say that they always talk about work or stuff friends would talk about. However  last night i found out that they have been flirting with each other.

 

Problem is when we started swinging we said that communication is the most important thing to keep us safe from any complications.

 

I feel that we have to discuss and inform each other when we are talking or flirting with others and she feels that there is no need to inform me if she is flirting with others. 

 

Am I been unreasonable by asking her to tell me when she is flirting with guys and is it unreasonable for me to have gotten upset about her telling me they only talk about work stuff only to find out there is more involved?

[Fundamental Law 2,817]

Let us agree that communication is foundational to every successful marriage. Part of the Lifestyle, and surely part of an 'open' marriage is intense trust that the other person will not put the marriage at risk. Your 'need to know' suggests her flirting --and not telling you--is a sign that you believe that your marriage is at risk. She believes otherwise. 

 

The notion of trust means that your need--and her beliefs--need to be resolved. That doesn't mean your need takes priority over her belief. It does mean, however, that either of you has the right to bring up concerns about trust and the other has the responsibility to listen to concerns. Setting monogamy aside requires much greater attention to fidelity and loyalty.  

 

 

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

Another way of looking at this is along the lines of some typical advice here for newcomers; always move at the pace of the slower in the couple. I.e., don't have swinging sex until both are ready for that.

 

Here, your wife could be thought of as being further along than you, and doesn't see a need to share some details. You're not that far along. You could approach it this way in that you could tell her you're not ready for her not to be 100% disclosing everything.

 

Honestly though, I'm seeing red flags go up on this. Something isn't right. Get it resolved. Talk with her directly about it.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

By virtue of the fact you are here says something isn't right. Someone mentioned one of the cardinal rules of swinging, about moving as fast as the slowest member. You are not in the same place as she is. Seems like you need to maybe talk this out. Mrs idahocouple flirts online and she shows me them especially if one is particularly hot/sexy/funny and could look anytime I wanted to. I just don't feel the need to. 

[Fundamental Law 2,817]

One way to frame conversations in the LS involves telling FIBs (no, not fibs as in lies):

 

Fantasies--What are your fantasies?

Intentions--What are your intentions (what directions are you taking these fantasies?)

Boundaries--What's the stopping point? How far will you go with your intentions before a 'check-in' and reengaging in conversation?

 

This is a deceptively simply checklist. But it gets the issues out in the open. For example,

 

"I can imagine doing Mrs so-and so"

"I am going to flirt with her online, and maybe exchange some pics"

"I am not going to set up a date with them unless and until we talk it over."

 

Now, each of those may need to be negotiated. But by being specific (not necessarily explicit, but specific) you get the conversation out in the open. It's important that these conversations have both you and your partner's undivided attention. It also is important that you decide in advance the framework for negotiations, example veto power. 

[Guest]

I tell my husband before or just after. Always share the whole story of how it was. Get some pictures or a video to share. And offer my sex and body to him after. He ravishes me. Here's a couple snapshots from a video I secretly recorded of a lover fucking me before work. He was frustrated and always complained about his wife not giving him any in the morning and relieving his morning erection. She was too fussy about spending her time getting ready and all dolled up for work!

 

 

[Numex 2,175]

10 minutes ago, FullSwapCLT said:

I tell my husband before or just after. Always share the whole story of how it was. Get some pictures or a video to share. And offer my sex and body to him after. He ravishes me.

The telling by either of us may be a few words or a long story, but it's always mentioned.  We don't take pictures, we've seen each other fucking enough times.  But it does indeed inspire us to go at it.  Promiscuity is an aphrodisiac. 

 

P.S. I like how you switch up positions. 

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, Numex said:

The telling by either of us may be a few words or a long story, but it's always mentioned.  We don't take pictures, we've seen each other fucking enough times.  But it does indeed inspire us to go at it.  Promiscuity is an aphrodisiac. 

 

P.S. I like how you switch up positions. 

Funny you mention that. He stopped when doing it from behind and said he was close to cumming and asked where I wanted it! Inside me baby! I got on the couch and told him not to hold back and fill me up. 

[Numex 2,175]

12 hours ago, FullSwapCLT said:

Funny you mention that. He stopped when doing it from behind and said he was close to cumming and asked where I wanted it! Inside me baby! I got on the couch and told him not to hold back and fill me up. 

Same for us.  We both make or receive the deposit inside, mostly in the vagina but occasionally in the mouth or anus.  Sort of the point of the whole thing for us (and I have a difficult time pulling out).  Good too are the sloppy seconds.