Common Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[LFM2 1,481]

A few people have already said it, but I'll repeat.

 

1. Don't take rejection too seriously. People will reject others because the color of their hair is wrong.

 

2. To not research what you're doing. I think I read until my eyeballs were dry. I asked questions until my fingers hurt from typing. It helped me establish guidelines and helped me communicate with Mr. LFM on a much more equal basis. Little did I know that he'd been researching much longer than I had.

 

3. To not talk about things with your swing partner. Big mistake. Not talking to your partner will lead you down a road of hell.

 

[SirDavidandhalo 15]

I think that if we were to do anything different it would be 2 things.

 

1. Never take one for the team. Why, when the sex we have together is great?

2. Do NOT take this seriously. This is FUN, a hobby. You can turn fun into a 2nd job or a competition.

 

Shelly

Ok I will admit my ignorance.....I have no idea what "take one for the team" means. Can someone explain?

[lovinher 505]

That's when you invite a whole football team over for.......

 

When you have sex with someone you are not really attracted to for whatever reason so your partner can have fun and you don't want to spoil it for them. Something like that.

[FloridaFlirt 15]

I think that if we were to do anything different it would be 2 things.

 

1. Never take one for the team. Why, when the sex we have together is great?

2. Do NOT take this seriously. This is FUN, a hobby. You can turn fun into a 2nd job or a competition.

 

Shelly

 

Ditto to all of this, especially #1. Unfortunately this may mean it will take longer to find a couple that is compatible four ways....but if you are patient, it will be worth it!

[KentuckianaCPL4 16]

Ours was using a Local Swingers Publication. What a bunch of, pardon the term, white trash losers. They were dirty and nasty. Not knowing anyone in the lifestyle and not knowing where to look. We gave up trying for a few months. We stumbled up a mailing list site called onelist that later became Egroups which became yahoogroups. Anyway we found one list in our area for swingers. We joined, and we were befriended by several couples who had similar problems finding compatible playmates.

 

Everyone makes mistakes in the lifestyle starting out, learn from them and move on.

 

Your best bet is to find a club near you and start attending and let things progress naturally.

[SuAndBud 21]

We would warn against becoming so involved and excited with your new found fun, lost-inhibitions and electrically-charged libido that you allow yourselves to jump to incorrect assumptions within the Vanilla community.

 

eg. We all but outed ourselves to quite a few people in the early days because we mistakenly took their flirting as signs that they were also players, when they weren't. they were simply flirting (which is a normal and healthy occupation for non-swingers, too, we had allowed ourselves to forget).

 

We are also guilty of thinking it doesn't matter to Vanillas that you are in the Lifestyle (some of them are absolutely horrified - even sickened at the very notion of sharing sexual partners - albeit that many have or will, at some point, selfishly commit adultery behind their own partner's back at some point in their fluffy relationship). In other words, unless you really, really, really don't care what others think and that you may lose some formerly good friends, keep it to yourself and other known players, only.

 

Don't believe some of the nonsense you read in people's profiles and get suckered into giving away far too much of your own details/photo's to what very often ends up being either an insincere or wholly phoney potential contact.

[SuAndBud 21]

maybe not to fall in love as I did

 

Now that IS scary unless it had a happy ending (and maybe even if it did).

 

Intrigued to know more.

[bethncole 49]

1. Being afraid of the clubs.

 

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

 

5. Being 'friends first'.

 

It depends on what you mean by "friends", but there is nothing wrong with building chemistry with another couple and/or learning more about them like amount of partners they've been with, safety rules, etc.

[Chicup 38]

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

 

So can meeting the 'wrong' couple as their first experience. I thought clubs were for 'advanced' swingers too and we avoided them for several years. It was a mistake.

 

 

It depends on what you mean by "friends", but there is nothing wrong with building chemistry with another couple and/or learning more about them like amount of partners they've been with, safety rules, etc.

 

So you have asked swingers how many partners they have had? I'm not sure if thats for safety or bragging If you read the whole thread though, we touched on that in depth in a follow up post.

[good times 990]

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

I have to totally disagree with this one, the first thing we did was go to an on-premise club and I think it was one of the better decisions we made when we were newbies. It allowed us to meet a lot of people in a short period of time. Had we went the online route first, I am positive we would not be swinging today, because it is too much work for very little and infrequent reward and most of the folks we have met online just weren't a good match for us, so it would have become very disappointing real quick. The biggest advantage to going to a club right off the bat was that we were able to put to rest our fears that swingers were a bunch of sex crazed wackos, it only took one club visit to realize that most swingers are regular folks just like us.

 

My opinion is that going to the clubs is the best way for a newbie to get into the lifestyle. Apparently a lot of others feel the same, as it has been our experience that, on average, about 20% of the attendees at a club on any given night are newbies. If someone goes to a club and they are overwhelmed, they just aren't ready yet, and I sure wouldn't want to waste my time meeting them through an ad site.

 

We were nervous as hell the first night we went to a club, and the one we chose was the wildest club we have ever been to, many of the things we saw that night wouldn't even be allowed at most of the clubs we have attended. It didn't overwhelm or intimidate us in the least though, because the people we met were great and made us feel welcome.

[lovinher 505]

This thread keeps getting better and over time, better yet I'm sure. I'm one to ask what not to do on any subject. You can learn so much more in a shorter period of time when you are told what not to do. That's why I like how this thread has progressed. Put this together with Spoo's haunted house theory and you have almost everything you need to at least get started.

 

I think Goodtimes said it very well. For one thing when you set up a meet with someone through SLS or any other site you are pretty much stuck with them until you find an excuse to get the hell out of there. From our experience there is a lot of false advertising out there. At a club you can just move on and do whatever it is you want to do. As Goodtimes said, making contacts in a short period of time could be a huge benefit and makes perfect sense. We haven't been to one yet but it is on our "do next" list. I wish we had done it long ago.

 

Now if Eros in Cleveland could just get those "repairs" completed...... :rollseyes

Not to hijack this thread but does anybody in Cleveland know what is really going on with Eros?

[Spoomonkey 418]

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

 

I am going to be the third to chime in and disagree.

 

It wasn't until we started going to a swing club that we figured out the lifestyle. The personal ads were frustrating (still are). I think we'd have simply decided that swinging was an urban myth after a while and moved on.

 

The club is going to be overwhelming if you aren't particularly social. But if you're not social, you are going to struggle in swinging. If you know how to talk to people, aren't afraid of a little nudity near you and can enjoy a very adult atmosphere, the club is going to be fine.

 

Spoomonkey

[rpu3 630]

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

 

Fourth in line with my disagreement - I should call it our basic newbie mistake to have waited so long to have gone to a club. There was nothing at/about the club that justified our caution and long wait before attending a club.

[sereneiders 263]

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together.

 

Fifth one to disagree. Moreover, I'd say this comment is prejudgamental and missleading newbies into believe clubs are places devoted for the weirdests of us to meet up and, given the chance, take advantage of their lack of experience. This was our fear before going to a club the first time, and it was really good to dare to go. Once there, our fear lasted the same a fart inside a basket

 

We even use clubs as a place where to meet couples we contacted on line, because it relieves everyone involved from the pressure. If the involved people doesn't click, they are able to move on, socialize and have fun with another atendants. And when people click, you're reasured about it preciselly because they already have there a lot of choices to pick instead.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Great question!!

 

1)Drew would probably say not reading the signals from women who are interested in him. He's such a nice guy that early on, women were throwing out the signals, and he was not catching them. He still talks about a particular encounter where the woman was practically throwing herself at her and he didn't make a move.

 

2) Not excusing ourselves to talk about a situation before acting on it. There have been situations where I thought he was interested and he thought I was and neither of us was all that interested.

 

3) Not being able to just say no. Being a good 'ole southern girl, my mama taught me to be nice. But, after having experiences that weren't at all fun, we've both learned that if it comes down to us having a good time and someone else having a good time....guess which one we're choosing?

 

Even after nearly 5 years, we're still learning things.

 

Pepper

[lovinher 505]

As newbies who visited a club recently I have to agree that they are not just for experienced swingers. It sure is better than going through the BS of the Internet sites.

 

At a club....

You are talking to real people in person.

The awkwardness of a private meet just isn't there.

You can figure out if there is an attraction right away.

The sexual vibes are already there.

You don't need to come up with some BS excuse as to why you don't click.

Chances are the people there are serious to begin with.

You don't have to play just because you are at a club. You can meet someone or a couple and set up a private play date with them at a later time.

 

You will find out before the night is over if you are up to all the nuances of swinging. Such as jealousy, nudity or playing in front of another person or people. If you have problems with any of that, you can just leave.

If you do, maybe you should reconsider what you are looking for. If you can't handle these things in a impersonal setting I would think it would be worse in a private setting where things are one on one.

 

It is a good way of testing the waters to see if you want to go further in the lifestyle.

 

Just my newbie opinions.

[IrvTxCouple 15]

This thread is awesome thank you!

 

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together.

 

I have to disagree with this also, we started in the lifestyle by going to clubs (off-premise clubs) so we could meet others and talk to them in an atmosphere that was a pressure cooker of raw sex.

 

Everyone we met, those we approached and those that approached us, we told up front we were new to the scene and they understood and were patient with us. Helped us out and talked to us and "made friends".

 

If we had gone with internet or other types of ads to meet folks first I do not think we would be as happy as we are now with the choice we made when we decided to "broaden our horizons".

[curiouscouple4f 17]

Some of these we made ourselves and others we have seen people make, I'm sure there are a lot I haven't covered.

 

Don't try to do the swinging teenage in the car thing, under a bridge overpass, in the rain. Too tight of a squeeze with four people.

 

The Mrs.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

...and can enjoy a very adult atmosphere

Spoomonkey

 

Is that what we witnessed you doing? "save the horse ride a..."

 

[edit] I'll assume he meant, adult as in, X-rated...

[burned out 15]

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

 

Another disagreement from a newbie. The Mrs wanted to see what all the fuss was about and the "not so local" club was a great way to expose her to it (pun intended). We still aren't swapping but she is totally comfortable with the club and has gone much farther than she would have in an apparent "all or nothing" situation like an internet hook-up. She still wouldn't be comfortable setting up a date with an unknown but is totally comfortable with the exhib/voy stuff we can do at a club. Our standing joke about the "rules" now is, "What are we absolutely, positively NOT going to do?" She usually changes her mind at the club and we inch another step forward.

[cubnamy1995 124]

Here's one we just figured out:

 

Thinking you need to spend a prolonged night of seduction before making the move. It was rough to start playing at 2AM when we all had to be at work around 8AM the next morning. Next time, it will be sex first, then dinner and dancing LOL

[IrvTxCouple 15]

Another disagreement from a newbie. The Mrs wanted to see what all the fuss was about and the "not so local" club was a great way to expose her to it (pun intended). We still aren't swapping but she is totally comfortable with the club and has gone much farther than she would have in an apparent "all or nothing" situation like an internet hook-up. She still wouldn't be comfortable setting up a date with an unknown but is totally comfortable with the exhib/voy stuff we can do at a club. Our standing joke about the "rules" now is, "What are we absolutely, positively NOT going to do?" She usually changes her mind at the club and we inch another step forward.

 

Exactly how we started, I'm very experienced and have been around the block a lot more than she has, not to mention she has extremely limited experience. However she is very adventurous and interested, though leary.

 

Once we started to go to clubs she started to open up, got much more comfortable. Things are not full bore atm, but getting there.

 

I think overall patience is the key, yes ... the goal is sex, and lots of it. However, have to take your time getting there so you have good experiences, and diminish the chances of bad ones.

[cubnamy1995 124]

I read back through the thread and wanted to ask a question about Chicup's post on friendship. The couple we are playing with now have become very dear friends of ours. I know that it is a very rare thing to find that set of very close friends in the lifestyle, but it seems we've found that in a very short amount of time.

 

I can understand and agree with what you said that it is unrealistic that you will make lots of real friends in the lifestyle. I have only a few close friends in the vanilla world too. That is part of the reality of the human experience. But we've never had a problem making "let's go out and drink on the weekends now and then" kind of friends.

 

My question would be, is it really unrealistic to want to explore that dynamic during the getting to know you phase? I'm not saying we are that way every time. If we are at a club, we won't need to even know your name. But outside of a club setting, we look for that. Is that what you meant, or were you saying that its unrealistic to make close friendships before swinging? I mean no sarcasm whatsoever. I am genuinely interested in your point.

[sereneiders 263]

I believe Chicup meant something having to do with the motto "don't attempt to make swingers out of friends, but friends out of swingers" (which is your case).

 

He never said "avoid making friends" nor "don't attempt to do so", but addressed a basic newbie mistake we've seen a lot in here, that is, to use the previous experience in the vanilla world as a starting point to feel confortable enough as to engage in a swinging activity.

 

There are two problems with this approach:

 

1) There isn't anything in the vanilla relationships you can correlate with what you require to swing. We all trend to bring wahtever new experience we have to a well known scenario as to be able to "extrapolate" the variables involved and get rid of our experience in the known scenario to be able to deal with the otherwise unknown things. In this case, this provide a false safety and confortabiliy perception. There are so many unknown variables involved that any exrtapolation would be wishfull thinking. So it is better just to meet people reducing the variables amount to the minimum by setting up minimal goals like "let's just have sex", than start multiplying the variables getting involved emotionally in a friendship and later on see how you do to take care of the friendship relationship ALONG with all you have to take care of for the first swinging experience.

 

2) As part because of what I said, once you become "friends", it becomes harder and harder to break the ice. Things evolve into a platonic fantasy of "how it would be" and "what ifs", that (moreover if both couples have no experience) doesn't help anyone involved.

 

This reminds me of the way to put yourself in the swimming pool. You can either sink a toe to test how cold it is, or just jump in. Often, when you test the waters with your toe, you decide it is too cold to dare to jump in, and often when you jump in, the cold sensation vanishes almost inmediatelly.

 

As chicup said, "look for people you could be friends with", but look for them to have sex. It you click with them, it is likelly that this would evolve into a friendship, as in your case.

 

And BTW, it isn't that rare, we've making several good friends out of swingers, even with people that otherwise we wouldn't even have the chance to meet or, if meeting them, we wouldn't be compelled nor willing enough to become friends.

[Chicup 38]

sereneiders summed up the concept well there.

[MtnSwing 23]

Wow great thread. Newbie here. We have been to a club once and we're terrified before we went inside. The people were fabulous and we made several potential hookups there. We've never even been naked in front of another couple, but we are planning some naughty hiking this weekend with a couple we met that first night. We're also returning to the club with the same couple again.

 

The club atmosphere has given us the confidence to really pursue this. We realized that we're not deviants and that there are lots and lots of people like us. We had a blast chatting with other couples. We went up to the play room but didn't stay long. It was cool to see what goes on but we weren't ready for that yet. This time, my wife is going with a much more open and flirtatious attitude. The fear is gone and been replaced by anticipation. I'm sure many of you remember this feeling.

 

Thanks for the advice. We'll definitely try to learn from all of your experience. We've learned to go in with no expectations but to be ready to act if the feeling is right.

 

Worst case scenario, we've had more sex since we visited that club than we have had in years - something definitely seems to be working.

[IrvTxCouple 15]

... we've had more sex since we visited that club than we have had in years - something definitely seems to be working.

 

Welcome

 

And that alone makes swinging fun for everyone, I've never heard of a couple who lost interest in each other once they started. Not that it probably hasn't happened, but I bet it is so rare that it might as well never have.

[cubnamy1995 124]

As chicup said, "look for people you could be friends with", but look for them to have sex. It you click with them, it is likelly that this would evolve into a friendship, as in your case.

 

OK, I get it now. And yes, I can see how potentially disasterous it would be to try to make swingers out of friends. I appreciate what you are saying. We just really developed a close friendship with the couple we are playing with, and though each scenario is unique, I just wanted to gauge where we stood, seeing as how we are relatively new at this. I appreciate the advice. Thanks folks!

[ncpaar 15]

Thank you from a pair of wet behind the ears newbies for this most excellent thread. Pretty much reaffirmed our attitude but we still found this very helpful. You folks are very cool to take the time to be mentors.

[tittietwister 126]

All good thoughts but one size doesn't fit all. Swingers and social polys or light polys are all mashed into SLS or competitor sites. I think the confusion is that people aren't aware of the distinction between swinging and polyamorus types and so swingers try to interpret social poly's in their frame of reference and vice versa. They talk past each other.

 

Polys are a different breed but have nowhere else to go so they make do within the swinging community as a subculture. Of course, the pure swingers view polys as unrealistic with the high value they place on varying degrees of "loving" (swinger red alert word) in relationships.

 

We really wish people understood the distinctions as we think there are enough social poly's out there (or people who say they are swingers but are really poly's) to support a web site. Unfortunately, we have only found online communties for extreme poly's.

 

Ultimately, honesty is the only way through this. You state in your profile or in person exactly what you are looking for and let the chips fall where they may. We have made the utmost effort to be clear in our profile - we state that we distance ourselves from the traditional notion of swinging - and I must say it is working well for us. We are attracting like couples who also feel "distant" from the pure swingers.

[Volleygirl1790 15]

How about waiting to late in the eving to get things started? Maybe it is my age maybe it is my lack of patience, but by the time it gets to be 4:00am I am about out of whatever mood is good...lol Unless it is a rare ocassion that the whole evening had consisted of heavy flirting and such.....we have no issue with getting comfortable in the evening, but at some point late is to late..

[Chicup 38]

 

We really wish people understood the distinctions as we think there are enough social poly's out there (or people who say they are swingers but are really poly's) to support a web site. Unfortunately, we have only found online communties for extreme poly's.

 

I don't know what makes someone social poly vrs swinger friends. After a while you start to split hairs a bit on labels.

[SJCPL1 65]

Right on! Starting a bit earlier allows for a lot more fun.

[cataryna 70]

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

 

I also have to disagree with this post, but only to a degree. While yes a newbie can be and most often are overwhelmed at clubs (the deer in headlight look is a dead giveaway) I think it's because most often newbies may choose to go on a weekend night where it's considerably more crowded. Usually when a newbie asks me about our club, I will tell them to check it out on a less busy night, like a Thursday night or a Friday night where it's not quite as crowded so that they're not overwhelmed. However, if they have an aversion to single males I will tell them Saturday, but also make them aware that it can get very crowded on Saturdays so that they're somewhat prepared.

 

I do not think a house party is necessarily a good first experience because in my experience house parties tend to be more intense. For the most part everyone knows everyone, which might make it hard for a newbie couple to break into the group. They may feel a bit left out, especially if they're shy and nervous as most new couples are.

 

I definitely think there is less pressure to play at a club, then at a house party or at a scheduled date. At a club, you're one of many. You can choose to sit back and enjoy the sights, until you're comfortable enough to become part of the sights.

 

How about waiting to late in the eving to get things started? Maybe it is my age maybe it is my lack of patience, but by the time it gets to be 4:00am I am about out of whatever mood is good...lol Unless it is a rare ocassion that the whole evening had consisted of heavy flirting and such.....we have no issue with getting comfortable in the evening, but at some point late is to late..

 

AMEN! We're really tired of crawling home at 6 a.m. because the fun stuff didn't start until 4 a.m. Our bodies cannot handle those hours like they used to!

 

I too have a question about the "friends issue". We have no aversion to meeting someone and within an hour or two taking ourselves off to the bedroom to play with them. But we also are looking for "friends" outside of the bedroom. Our free time is not spent entirely partaking of the lifestyle. We enjoy going out to our favorite rock bar, going to festivals, or listening to some of our favorite local bands. Our profile states that we're looking for people to do some of these things with also, but also ones that we can take home afterwards and get freaky with. We do have two couples that we do these things with on occasion (rarely), and we're always trying to get together a semi-large group to go do these things with and it just never seems to pan out. It seems like for the majority of the people we have met...if it doesn't involve the local swingers club then they're not interested which has left us a little disappointed. Is this pretty normal? Are their others like us that wish to do more things outside the lifestyle, but cant find those same couples who want to do vanilla things?

 

You'd figure after 6 years of this I'd know the answer myself. Which I guess shows that the lifestyle is a constant learning experience.

[JustAskJulie 2,588]

I too have a question about the "friends issue". We have no aversion to meeting someone and within an hour or two taking ourselves off to the bedroom to play with them. But we also are looking for "friends" outside of the bedroom. Our free time is not spent entirely partaking of the lifestyle. We enjoy going out to our favorite rock bar, going to festivals, or listening to some of our favorite local bands. Our profile states that we're looking for people to do some of these things with also, but also ones that we can take home afterwards and get freaky with. We do have two couples that we do these things with on occasion (rarely), and we're always trying to get together a semi-large group to go do these things with and it just never seems to pan out. It seems like for the majority of the people we have met...if it doesn't involve the local swingers club then they're not interested which has left us a little disappointed. Is this pretty normal? Are their others like us that wish to do more things outside the lifestyle, but cant find those same couples who want to do vanilla things?

 

Developing friendships as adults is probably one of the most difficult things that anyone encounters. We all want to do it but at the same time we all have a difficult time doing. As was said earlier in the thread, I do think that within a very short amount of time we know whether or not the person we are talking to is someone that we COULD be friends with. And every once in a while you meet that person who is just your BFF from minute one. But once we grew up and got married it got a lot harder. Now short of the instant BFF thing happening, it takes alot more to develop a friendship, for starters there are more people involved. Not only do I have to get along with this person, but my husband does too, and not only does she have to get along with me but her husband does too. We often talk about the 4 way connection required just for two couples to feel comfortable swinging together, but if you want to actually develop a friendship then it requires an even deeper connection. Then take that a step further and include the fact that we're grownups and married and often have kids that take our time and that severely limits our time to really establish a friendship. And for many swinging couples they get so little time where they can go out and do things without the kids that they would prefer to take that limited time and go to a club/ house party/ social or hookup one on one, because that's the only chance they get to do those things.

 

We are like you, we'd love to meet some couples we could do all the other stuff with, but the reality is, we have a hard time getting our vanilla friends to find enough time to do those things.

 

So I guess all in all it boils down to, it's hard to make true friends as adults.

[sweet_tna 680]

Developing friendships as adults is probably one of the most difficult things that anyone encounters. We all want to do it but at the same time we all have a difficult time doing. As was said earlier in the thread, I do think that within a very short amount of time we know whether or not the person we are talking to is someone that we COULD be friends with. And every once in a while you meet that person who is just your BFF from minute one. But once we grew up and got married it got a lot harder. Now short of the instant BFF thing happening, it takes alot more to develop a friendship, for starters there are more people involved. Not only do I have to get along with this person, but my husband does too, and not only does she have to get along with me but her husband does too. We often talk about the 4 way connection required just for two couples to feel comfortable swinging together, but if you want to actually develop a friendship then it requires an even deeper connection. Then take that a step further and include the fact that we're grownups and married and often have kids that take our time and that severely limits our time to really establish a friendship. And for many swinging couples they get so little time where they can go out and do things without the kids that they would prefer to take that limited time and go to a club/ house party/ social or hookup one on one, because that's the only chance they get to do those things.

 

We are like you, we'd love to meet some couples we could do all the other stuff with, but the reality is, we have a hard time getting our vanilla friends to find enough time to do those things.

 

So I guess all in all it boils down to, it's hard to make true friends as adults.

 

I guess Mr. Sweet and I are the odd ones out again. We have been very lucky to find friends through swinging that we can hang out with "vanilla style". Just a couple weeks ago, we hosted a vanilla party and the majority of the guests who showed up were swinger friends.

 

And I've made the Bff connection, too. Heaven knows I never expected it to happen via swinging, but I'm grateful that it has.

 

That said, I do understand the difficulty in finding a balance of how to spend your free time. Do you spend it with your family, your vanilla friends, your swing friends for vanilla stuff, or do you play?

 

But to the original question . .. I agree with the theory that you're better off not trying to be friends first when looking for playmates. We look for that "spark" first, and if it's meant to happen, the friendship will develop naturally.

 

=)

[bryanlee 147]

I wound not make friendship a requirement, but i would say that being friendly is one. If i became friends with someone it would not be because that is what i set out to do, but more likely because i chose someone who i enjoyed talking to and felt comfortable with.

[meandu2gether 15]

This has helped me out tremendously...lol THANK for all the helpful advice! Looks like daddy and I have some more conversations that need to take place before our first party.

[JoCoCpl 99]

Wow -- what a great thread! Thanks, everyone! I have a feeling that we will be reading stuff on this website all night. Glad we discovered it!!

[HisnHersnYours 15]

Im subscribing to this thread, lots of good points. I would have to agree with OP that for us there is somewhat of a friendship that has to happen before playing. Personally, attraction is not all about looks and i do need to be attracted to someone first. i dont expect to be best friends or even lifelong friends but in order for me to desire someone physically i need to get to know them personally. maybe that isnt the norm for this lifestyle but its working for us. Great post.

[MIbbwcpl 67]

5. Being 'friends first'

Ok this is a biggie. So you are expecting to meet people you have never seen in your life before, for sex, but first you will strike up a friendship relationship, so you feel comfortable having sex later? Good luck. I won't call it impossible for this to work out, but just like waiting for the super models to call you, its going to be a rare one. Making new friends can be hard enough, but doing it with the underlying 'tension' of swinging is just damn near impossible. If the sex aspect is 'out of the way' you have a much better chance of being friends later. Rather then looking for friends first, look for the kind of people you could be friends with.

 

Where was this when we started? lol Really could have used that advice then!

[oakridgecouple 15]

A question about #4. As a couple we are "newbies". Is it wrong to expect someone to woo her in advance of a MFM? or at least a little effort? Obviously we had a not so great experience the other night. All we ask is that you try to make her want to be with you. Maybe, just maybe, when you get yourself a beer, offer to fill her pint as well.....

 

We are not looking for freebies, nor would we ever "milk" a potential playmate. We ended this meeting very quickly seeing it was going to go nowhere.

 

In my opinion a woman who is confident enough to express herself sexually and enjoy life this way, is deserving of a little effort....(and being an incredible piece of ass don't hurt )

 

Oh, and when i went to pay our tab, his drink was on there as well.........

 

Sorry if it sounds like we complaining a bit here, are we off base?

 

thanks,

[Chicup 38]

A question about #4. As a couple we are "newbies". Is it wrong to expect someone to woo her in advance of a MFM? or at least a little effort? Obviously we had a not so great experience the other night. All we ask is that you try to make her want to be with you. Maybe, just maybe, when you get yourself a beer, offer to fill her pint as well.....

 

We are not looking for freebies, nor would we ever "milk" a potential playmate. We ended this meeting very quickly seeing it was going to go nowhere.

 

In my opinion a woman who is confident enough to express herself sexually and enjoy life this way, is deserving of a little effort....(and being an incredible piece of ass don't hurt )

 

Oh, and when i went to pay our tab, his drink was on there as well.........

 

Sorry if it sounds like we complaining a bit here, are we off base?

 

thanks,

 

By 'woo' I didn't mean just being nice and common social interaction, but couples who expect to be somehow seduced into swinging. I've spoken with newbie couples who expect us to somehow convince them to swing, with us, as if they were playing hard to get.

[oakridgecouple 15]

Understood, chicup. We definitely do not expect to be seduced into swinging or sex. We are there for a reason, afterall.

 

Anywho, we have had lots of fun and are looking forward to many more great experiences to cum...

[SandJinVT 23]

My first thought was, where was this thread years ago when we started in the Lifestyle? It would have prevented a LOT of mistakes and missteps.

 

It also would have prevented us from getting into the mess of dating swingers. While we love to develop friendships with folks we swing with (and we've got close friends, many of them, who are swingers with whom we haven't had sex), the friendships have never developed BEFORE the sex, only after. Its all the more fun when, after the sex, vanilla activities commence. A huge mistake that a lot of newbies make is not making their intentions clear to another couple, especially a veteran couple.

 

You should know within a few minutes of meeting someone whether you are attracted or not. It is chemistry and doesn't require a lot of thought process. If you want to see them a couple of times after that, and they agree that this is what they want also, fine. But in most cases, if the chemistry is there, the other couple is going to want to play. Sooner, not later.

 

Be clear on your profile. Don't say "we're testing the waters" or "we're trying to broaden our horizons". Use that as a tag line, and use your profile to examine what you want, and where your limitations are. We are not a "meet and play" couple. We always meet first in a vanilla location, usually sharing a meal. Then, if the chemistry is right, the next "date" is play. We've had newbies show up for that second date, despite the fact that we've made it clear that it is a "play date", wanting to spend time going shopping, or maybe another meal, with no play involved. Their intentions weren't clear until they showed up, which left us disappointed.

 

And please don't lead people on. If you aren't ready to play, you aren't ready. Make those intentions clear to the other couple. Yes, I know it is difficult to discuss sex out in the open, but that is what is required by this lifestyle. If you aren't able to say exactly what you want, the rest of us won't know.

 

And one last thing (I can hear it now, isn't she done yet? lol). Waiting until very late to play is a no-no. We, and a lot of other swingers we know, will NOT seduce you. We presume that you are there because, like us, you want sex. If you are just waiting for someone else to start the action, get up and give the male half of the other couple a big kiss. It is bound to heat up after that! Mrs SandJ

[slevin 1,374]

Always follow your gut. We ignored our gut feelings a couple of times early on and it was a mistake; the only times we ran into drama was when we ignored our gut. Unfortunately it took us a few dramafied times before we figured it out, I think I'm a little slow on the uptake

 

On the no-kissing thing: thats definitely not a rule and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone (new or not). If that is what works for you then go for it, but no-kissing was never an option for us. Katrina loves to kiss and it just seems so silly to not kiss when you're going to be giving someone oral sex or you'll be fucking them. Doesn't make sense to us, but it works for some people so I think that is a personal choice rather than a "newbie rule".

[2aussies 51]

From our limited experience, I would advise not to change rules on the run. Stick to your rules during playtime, then discuss any changes afterwards when you are alone.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

This is such a great thread.

 

My experience might be interesting to newbies who are wondering about whether they should go the "friends first" route.

 

Before I'd been in a swinging situation I expected that I would HAVE to get to know the couple and believe they were someone who I could potentially be friends with before even considering playing with them. I was so adamant about that! I couldn't envision myself in a "slutty one-night stand" and I guess I thought that getting to know someone would erase all the fear, guilt, and risk. That's how I've always been with vanilla sex/relationships so I figured that's the way I should keep behaving.

 

But what I found was that I actually preferred no strings attached. We flitted around the whole evening, talking to lots of couples here and there. We didn't spend any time with the couple we ended up playing with... just had a chance to exchange a few sentences with them early in the night. Later on when they saw us playing with each other on a bed in the play area they asked to join in. It was as simple as that. We had a great time, the experience was intense. I don't remember their names and I'm glad we didn't exchange numbers. If I saw them again I'd immediately recognize them and be friendly with them, but I don't have any desire to hear their life story, meet them outside the club, or seek out a relationship.

 

I think ultimately my desire to not have a poly relationship overcame my aversion for one-night stands. I guess I worry that having a protracted friendship opens the door for something more complicated, and that's not what I want.

[sexcupid 809]

not really, i think we know what is aceptable to us. I was really looking for other LS'ers comments on what THEY did wrong. You know, sort of learning from their experiences.

 

Our primo lessons learned: carry a playbag with all the things you think you might need...which includes more than one condom per couple. And in accordance with that, no changing rules during playtime.

 

We also had a whole list of rules before we actually swung and we talked for months about them. When we finally got around to playing the only one left was 'use condoms'. You can't plan for every contingency/scenario, so don't try to. The less rules, the more likely boundaries won't be overstepped. Because seriously, if things are getting hot and heavy and the kissing rule gets tossed out the window because someone gets caught up in the moment, then someone's feelings are going to get hurt b/c a rule was broken.

 

I did link to your SLS profile from the SB, but was unable to find it when doing a search when I logged in. Why did I look? Well to see how your profile is worded, plus to see if the f of the couple was listed as bi- or bi-curious. And if so, does the kissing rule apply there as well? That's just curiosity on my part. Sometimes I'm just nosy.

 

But as long as you are on the same page and can agree, that's great. I also like the other posters notes about going with your gut feelings. They can be a wonderful guide.

 

Good luck, have fun!

[sweet_tna 680]

Well, The thing I liked about the archived thread was all the others comments about what they did wrong or right. Anyway here is a try although I am sure I will forget some so I will ask my wife to fill in the blanks when she is available but here's a start.

 

soft swap only

couples only

always same room

chatting with other couples and such is only to be done as a couple

no cheating or cheaters

if is dosen't work either spouse can pull the plug

no kissing

GO SLOW TO START!!!

 

I'll tell you now that you probably will forget something or just won't think up a scenario in which you'll find yourself wondering how to proceed. But as long as you and your wife have great communication between the two of you, it won't matter.

 

That said, it looks like you've got a good set of "starter" rules. Most of us have discovered that as we've gotten more experiences under our belts, we didn't need quite as many rules. Which is fine, as long as ya'll sort them out before or after playtime. NEVER try to adjust the rules during playtime. It's too easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment, and/or miscommunicate. Of course, you're GO SLOW rule may just cover that.

 

Best of luck to ya'll,

 

=)