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Hello, I'm the other half. Thank you all for your input. Here is some of my background. I'm almost 40 yrs old and this is my first marriage. I had a bad traumatic sexual experience when I was 17 which my husband knows about. I have always had trust issues. I have also always had jelousy issues. We have been together for 8 years and married for 4. I went into a very bad deep depression for a little over a year and our marriage was struggling because of it. I was getting better then found out about the affair. We went to a wonderful marriage counselor and are back on the right track. I love my husband and he loves me. I'm glad we were able to get past that part of our lives. I like going to the strip club and having sex in front of people and know that people are watching us but after reading some input I don't thing our marriage is strong enough to swing yet. We are strong just not that strong. Thank you all for your help on our questions. You have really helped a lot. I told my husband this and he said ok, no problem. Maybe we will meet some of you down the road some time.

Your posts confuse me, so I'm hoping you can clear it up for me. In your OP, it sounds like you don't want to sleep with other women. Then in the second quote, you're more comfortable hiding and being secretive about having sex with other women than you are about being honest with her with the ones that you have had sex with. And in the third one, even though you don't want to have sex with other women, you want things to be equal (although, it sounds like your girlfriend doesn't have any objections to you playing around) the wording of it makes it sound like you aren't interested in monogamy after all. So, is it the honesty of having sex with other people that bothers you? For the majority of us here, we value honesty and truthfulness. We see deceit and lying as cheating. When the use of "hiding (some secret)" is in a post, it brings out the red flags to many of us. I know that the "Don't ask, don't tell," is how some couples operate but it doesn't cultivate intimacy, trust, or communication within the relationship. Perhaps that is what your girlfriend is looking for as well when she would rather have everything open and honest about who you all have sex with and swapping together. However, I would agree with the posters above...you are definitely not in the right frame of mind to be doing any swinging and that's okay but your girlfriend needs to acknowledge this for you, herself, and the relationship.

Why wouldn't I want to be the one pleasing her in every way? A fair question. I actually do please her. We have some amazing and often kinky sex. People swing not because something is lacking, but because everything is already great. So you want to share that greatness. I actually hope someone pleases her more than I can. Because what's the point of swapping if the new partner is lousy? I'm not intimidated in the least. I know I have her heart and her love, that's what matters to me. I see her in the throws of ecstasy and in that moment I'm sharing that joy with her, the source of the ecstasy is irrelevant because she is coming home to me. Back to our real life, our true love and back to what we have built together for 15 years.

Congratulations, you are the most clear cut example of someone who should not swing. Those feelings you have are normal for the vast majority of the world. You should not doubt your feelings just because you love this girl. With swinging there is no middle ground, no gray areas, your either into or not. Your only prolonging the inevitable by humoring her. She took a big risk for you? Awesome! But what she wants in return will only lead to knots in your stomach and guilt. Swingers enjoy seeing their SO's getting pounded like a nail. We are thrilled we can make some dude's wife cum 8 times. We revel in the passion our SO's display for someone else in bed. I see it as a shared experience because I want her to be pleased in every way and she wants the same for me. This is NOT something you can wrap your head around. You either feel it or not. There is no advice that can be given to help you reach neutral ground because no such place exists. The best you can hope for is a hotwife situation. She goes and plays, you stay home and try not to think about it. Not a good scenario for you. Please, please sir cut your losses now. It's going to hurt like hell. But it's clear she needs someone ok with non-monogamy. Sounds like you really care for her, your really wanting to work with her. I have no doubt you will continue to try. But trust your gut, you can't handle this. Sorry

On the issue of being possessive: Ask yourself what part of him do you want to have and hold? His heart, time, love, adoration, stolen kisses, laughs, intimacy? Don't you already have all of those things? There certainly is a list of things you should zealously guard about your husband, for me nowhere on that list is their sexuality. Sex is but one expression of love. It will always feel different with your spouse than anyone else. Your not losing intimacy by sharing him with others. You should be very possessive of every other aspect of him, his heart is what you should crave, that's what you already have and no amount of random sex should change that. We are possessive out of fear, and what we will lose if our spouse leaves us for another. When a breakup or divorce happens, there is heartbreak and rivers of tears. I garauntee we aren't crying over the sex. We are devastated over the loss of intimacy, the things nobody else knew about, the knowledge you had each other's back, the shared goals and dreams are gone. You see, sex is an expression. It can be passionate and intimate. Or it can be my crotch is on fire just thinking about this other guys junk pounding me into submission. Each is equally valid, each equally enjoyable

Not in our wheelhouse. To me, sleeping with someone is far more intimate than having sex.

Wife and I have been looking on and off for years for a bi male playmate, most recently to play with me while she watches. We start making contact and everything looks good and then, right as we're trying to arrange a time to meet....nothing. They seem to disappear from the face of the Earth. Usually it's when the guy expresses a kink that crosses a line for us (sex in public, recording, meeting without my wife present, etc.) but we politely refuse. Any tips on how to find a bi playmate?

I'm actually impressed you can go this long in the lifestyle and not find a couple. I assume after the timeout you will be back in the swing of things?

The dayton meet and greet group (search that in the groups page) is available on SZc and perhaps SLS. Pm funcoupledayton here for specifics. It's a really easy way to get to talk to lots of people without a club visit. In my experience, clubs are frequented by more experienced swingers and these M&Gs are more laid back - and since there's no sex on premises, less daunting than a club.

I can see the conflict here: you met on a casual sex site and she figures that you want to just have casual sex. I don't think that YOU have let her know that you want a more serious relationship. She is now single and hot looking and wants to have some fun (why else would she be on a casual sex site?). YOU want her to change the rules and understandings but haven't let her know. Here's your problem: You are not COMMUNICATING with each other and both seem to be working towards totally different goals. FYI: if Ms. Gold said that she wanted to stop doing this, I would stop...no ifs, ands or buts. This has been a GREAT experience for the both of us but I would NEVER TRY to make her do something she wasn't on board 100% with. One of our 'golden rules' is NEVER take one for the team (and you seem to be taking them ALL for the team). Your GF thinks that you are fine with this and probably doesn't understand (since you were both looking for NSA sex when you met) what your hesitation and/or difficulties are. She wants to be able to WATCH you have NSA sex with someone else (since you won't tell her about you having sex with these other women). Solution: TALK TO HER. Either she will have an 'ah-ha' moment, stop putting the pressure on you and stop with the idea of swinging...or she will be surprised that you are not on board since you both just wanted sex (I'm guessing this one will be the one she picks). as others have stated, I too don't think you are wired for swinging. To be successful, your relationship needs love, trust and communication and I don't think you have...any of the three. You met on a sex site, she's looking for sex not love. You obviously are not communicating, and you both don't seem to be on the same page (same book for that matter) so there can be no trust. You are quickly coming to a cross roads but you need to find out her thoughts and opinions on this. TALK TO HER. We wish you luck with this.

Congratulations on your new adventure! It's possible that OM will never feels comfortable with your hubby near. A MFM, in the room or just outside is splitting your thoughts between the two men. OM feels good when with you alone, it's more intimate and bring more emotional level. MFM are more about sex and it's actually why I personally feel comfortable sharing my wife in threesomes. I wouldn't feel comfortable about her being alone with some guy because of the intimacy. I would be comfortable meeting a girl myself alone for sex for sure, but my wife would never let me do that either. But if your hubby is fine with it, then you guys (you&hubby) shall enjoy it! If you prefer threesome over meeting a guy on your own, I would advice you to search for a new guy that is into MFM. Honestly, there are very easy to find online, if you're near a big city, you'll have tons to choose from it's like shopping on Amazon (except it's all free)

You haven't even been together a year yet. That's the answer then, to put it bluntly, y'all don't truly know each other yet, not even close. Once you have years together under your belt, through good and bad, that's when you do know each other and that's when many of your fears would start to drop away IF you are wired for swinging to start with. If you value a serious long-term relationship with her, and she values the same with you, swinging needs to be shelved for a good while. Once confidence in each other and in the relationship comes, then maybe revisit the subject, starting from scratch as a couple in a stable, matured relationship. That's the only way it's going to work.

You've received lots of great advice so far, and I agree that I just don't think you are really wired for swinging, and that's totally ok. The vast majority of people aren't wired for swinging, and if you do much reading on this site, you'll find that trying to convert nonswingers to swingers is not our goal here, in fact it is often spoken against. I do understand though you feel some level of commitment to give it a go. You told her you would try to make it work, and that's what you are trying to do. The problem is finding the right mechanism to make it work for you, but since you yourself feel you aren't wired for it to start with, that's going to be really tough and lead to some serious frustration, which you are already feeling. If you both are dead set on how you feel, but you both are dead set on making your relationship work, then back up to the last known configuration that did work. Your relationship was on a different level then, but it sounds like some sort of don't ask, don't tell open relationship was working for you then, at least to some degree. It sounds like it worked better than some of what you are trying now, so the only hope I see moving forward is somehow incorporating parts of that into your current relationship. The odds are probably long on making it work long term, but maybe use that as a starting point for a real heart to heart about whether you can both ever give each other what the other wants.

I can totally see that. The most comfortable swinging experiences, which usually means the most enjoyable too, are the ones where you feel the most in sync with the other couple, not only sexually but overall. So, that common ground gained through being part of the same faith community is no less valuable than any other commonality two couples find they share. The commonality can be mutual raw sexual attraction, personality, interests, or even faith, but finding that common ground is the first step in putting together good chemistry between playmates.

This is a reply on another discussion here, but were the role of man and woman are reverse. Still, very good advice I like to pass on here:

My wife would be sorely disappointed if a toy, either one of her own or something new, was not used at some time or another during an evening's activity. Just be sure to have the discussion about the toy being given proper sanitary care between uses -- I.E not to be used in a butt hole then put thereafter into a vaginal canal.

First of all, welcome to the forum, benawyl. I'm sorry that you had to come here under your circumstances though. Second, swinging isn't for everyone and clearly you aren't at all interested while it seems like this is something your girlfriend would like to continue doing in her life. This is a big difference of interest. Some people are happy with monogamy and others aren't. Since seeing her with someone else doesn't do anything for you, this is going to be a very difficult decision for the both of you...and I think it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. I know it's always a tough decision to walk away from a relationship but when two people have a difference of opinions on matters (such as religion, politics, family, monogamy, etc.) if it causes too much dissonance within the relationship, it is a chasm that will only grow with time. If swinging is more of a lifestyle for your girlfriend, then she is better off finding someone else who wants the same. And you are better off with someone who wants monogamy. If you two continue, she'll probably have growing resentment that you don't want to swing. Meanwhile, you will continue to feel the way that you do and even have your own resentment or bitterness if she continues to push you into it. However, if your girlfriend sees swinging as a hobby that she can walk away from, then that's what she needs to do right now if she values you and the relationship above swinging. Many, many, many of the couples here see swinging as that...if one half of a couple decides to stop swinging then they both do and return to monogamy. For those couples, this is a fun hobby that they do together. If it stops being fun for one, it's not fun for both. You'll also hear the advice of "going the pace of the slowest person". In this case, the slowest person is you. Your girlfriend should stop pressuring you and if you are ever ready in the future, you would bring it up and you two would go slowly from there. Since you have used the word "unpleasant"...I sense that you are definitely not ready for any swinging at all and your girlfriend should listen to that feeling that you have. I hope you have told her that you feel that way. If not, then you two should sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. Also, I don't think you need to "find a neutral place"...you feel the way you do about this. Listen to your needs and feelings, too. I hope you let us know how your situation unfolds.

First, I would strongly suggest avoiding friends. While others have had success with friends, you run a very good chance of losing them no matter how things turn out. Second, don't spend too much time with emails. If you find a couple that you seem to align with, MEET THEM! What we do is make sure that everyone knows that this is for a meeting ONLY. Nothing else is going to happen other than we are all meeting for dinner (or whatever) and to talk. You will know if you are interested in 5 minutes of meeting than a lifetime of emails. If nothing else, you will most likely have a nice dinner, met some new people, and learned more about what you are looking at getting into. Third, this can HELP with body issues. The people who want to meet you most likely have seen pictures of the two of you and STILL WANT TO MEET YOU. We all understand that as we get 'more experienced' (never older) we are not as perfect as we once were...but at the same time, there are others that are not interested in perfection. Real women have curves and that is sexy! Ms. Gold, once we started down this path, also realized this and while she isn't where she would like to be (body wise), she now knows that others find her desirable. This got her to start walking at lunch and watching more of what she eats because she is enjoying the attention (even though I still think she is perfect just how she is). BTW, I tired to look up your SLS profile and find more about you two but got nothing. Finally, there are MANY different 'levels' of swinging. You DON'T have to jump into the deep end. Start off with meeting other couples...maybe trying same room sex and/or moving on to a house party (this is exactly what we did). You can take it slow (and we recommend that you do just that). Looking at where you live, you should have a large pool of people to choose from and while it is never easy to find two other people that you both feel good about, it IS possible. Set your limits, take your time, take OFF the pressure (there is really no rush here), and enjoy the adventure. Write some emails to others and make some new friends. Neither of us are into the club scene or high brow ourselves and we have found others that are just the same as we are. Remember, this is a hobby and supposed to be fun. If it isn't either, then find something else that you enjoy and do that. Let us know if there is anything else we can do to help and keep us apprised as to how you two are doing. Good luck!

A little late to the party here but just want to say that's a great attitude. I absolutely understand how you feel. While I don't usually get rejected because of my ethnicity, my husband does. I cannot say how many times we have encountered potential playmates who want to play with me but not my husband and it's clear the reason is racial. But we have also met many great people in the LS and the good outnumbers the bad. It will happen again, but don't let it get you down.

You've received a lot of great responses already and I want to congratulate you for having the courage to post your concerns. I think I can speak for the forum membership that we feel honored when someone shares their personal feelings and asks for advice from this community...in a way, it validates who we are as swingers and it feels good to know that a relative "outsider" doesn't think we are a bunch of sex-crazed perverts Which leads me to your first question: 1. Reputationally speaking, the acceptance I feel in the swing community far outweighs what the rest of the world might think of my sexual interests. I am free to be the real me when I am in the company of other swingers, not having to hide my silly sexual innuendo sense of humor, my open flirtiness, and interest in kink of many kinds. The benefits outweigh the risk to me. As far as being found out - it's a major concern, but I had it happen in a BIG way and I lived through it. There's a thread here about being "outed". Anymore, almost of the people I am close with (family and friends) know I am a swinger and there's something freeing about that. Only you can decide if stepping beyond the fantasy is worth the risk, for me, I don't really care what others think about me. I'm having the time of my life, and we only go around once. 2. I don't have a lot of experience with jealousy, but would like you to ponder on the idea of compersion. From what you've said, it sounds like your husband in in this frame of mind and perhaps you can find your way there someday. I do think a little jealousy and possessiveness can be a good thing, though. Can you consider the fact that he is willing to share you some level of possessiveness? I mean, not that he owns you, but you are his wife - and if he said "no way", you'd honor that, right? On the other hand, he has chosen to explore this path with you, i.e. given permission. Just another way to think about it. 3. I too am overweight, have grown children. I've found that men of my age are looking for intelligence, enthusiasm, and fun rather than a hardbody Barbie doll. I am confident in myself and my abilities and own my sexuality - IMHO, those things alone make me sexy. Swingers come in all shapes and sizes, just look around the grocery store and the shoppers there are basically what you'll see at any swinger club. Accentuate your assets, downplay your perceived trouble areas, and if it makes you more confident - don't get naked! There's something very sexy about a corset, garters and thigh-high hose, or a cute babydoll...nobody says that you can't hide behind clothing 4. Like everything else in swinging (and as others have said) the STD risk vs reward is the key. I've been promiscuous my entire life, even before swinging, and I've never had an STD. Mitigate the risk via condom use, regular STD screenings, and being honest with your doctor about your activities will go a long way. As far as fertility goes, that's a tough one (I'm fixed). I've never asked or been asked for my STD results - and I've never actually been given any written results from my doctor, but I've never asked for them. Finally, meeting people...I'm in Ohio and I can tell you, Ohio and Indiana is a hotbed of swinging activities. SLS and SwingerZoneCentral are the most popular websites. Given that you'd rather meet and get to know someone first, I'd recommend joining one or both of these sites (you can be a free member). You'll find a great number of single men, and after careful screening, there will be one that fits your style. Men on those sites are more likely to respect your relationship and follow your play style than a random guy off the street. There's also a really great Meet n Greet group in Dayton (monthly on a Friday) that is ran by one of the moderators here. It's a no pressure way to meet people and just see what you think. It's at a local bar, no fees, just join the group and show up. Ask all the questions you want and take a look around the forums...there's a lot of information here to explore. We are glad to have you with us!

I received a positive impression from your profile, both in its appearance and in its content. Just a few recommendations: In regard to your statement, "If you're not planning to play, not already one of our lifestyle friends, or are just a general waster of time stay far away!", it is better to stay away from negativity. The people who are drama generally do not view themselves as drama so making a statement like this has little effect on wasters of time. You're going to get them in any case. In addition, "waster of time" can be interpreted in too many different ways. You might be discouraging people who think you want sex immediately after the second e-mail. Similar advice regarding your statement "Please show some enthusiasm and desire. If you can't we should not be playing with you." Makes it sound like you want a woman to do all the work. Under the heading "Description:", you describe yourselves physically. No need. Your excellent pictures convey that message far better than any words might. I recommend that under description you give a few facts about yourselves that you believe other people might find interesting; things like you like to dance, you play in a band or orchestra, you enjoy time at a local amusement park or whatever interesting things. We American are not all about sex, you know.

That's unfortunate, because you're right, this is supposed to be something that is fun. Having said that though, I'll add that in reality it is something that is supposed to be fun when you add up the running score, not that there won't be some ups and downs to it. Swinging is a serious thing, and it elicits all sorts of powerful emotions and feelings. When they are good feelings, that power is great, but when they are bad feelings, it makes them even worse. Especially when starting out, there will be some bumps in the road. I don't think it's uncommon at all to want to start with soft swap. That was our initial intent too. When all was said and done, that's not how it worked out, but that was by mutual agreement and if there had been any resistance from either of us then we would have defaulted back to the initial plan. One of the Cardinal Rules of Swinging is to go at the pace of the slowest person. Getting away from that rule can cause issues, as you are experiencing. The best thing to do is to just take a step back, really talk to each other in a non-confrontational way to see where the other is coming from and why, and then go with the slowest approach. One may ask "so why even talk if you know you are going to stick with slowest approach?" It's because open communication is an absolute must with swinging, and everyone needs to feel that they had a chance to express their feelings even if you end up taking another path. You will run into this a lot - there will be couples you meet where one of you is interested and the other not as much, there will be things one of you wants to do and the other feels is a bridge too far, and so on. On all of those, when someone feels like they can't openly express their feelings on the subject, no matter what the final decision is, then that will cause problems. Successful swinging couples have perfected that skill - each always having the opportunity to have their say, but not holding grudges when they don't always get what they wanted. That skill is something that is very useful in your relationship outside of swinging too, and speaking personally, that is something we definitely improved at once we started swinging.

It's starting to sound more and more like this is the case for you. Remember, you are not looking for somebody to build a lifelong sexual relationship with- it's just friends with benefits! If you both like the other couple, and you feel a spark of desire, and the other couple feels the same way, then go for it! If you both are just plain uninterested in any of the other couples you meet, then maybe the time has come to acknowledge that "the lifestyle" (a term that I know you don't agree with for you... OK, swinging) is not for you. Perhaps you two simply do not have the appetite for playing with others. As long as you are being totally honest with yourselves and each other about this, and not using non-attraction as an excuse to hide from some fear of moving forward, then maybe you've learned something to take from this experience, and can move forward as a monogamous couple from here on. To talk about "lowering standards" seems a bit crass, so I will speak in terms of "broadening one's horizons". It's a fact that people of all shapes, sizes, ages, and colors are swingers. The lifestyle community (and I will just continue to use that commen term, with the understanding that most lifestyle people do not actually build their lives around swinging!) probably represents a decent cross-section of the adult demographic, perhaps skewed a little older than average since lifestyler couples are typically more experienced and secure in their marriages. Just as very few ideal model bodies are found in the general population, there are not many in the lifestyle! We have found that there are levels of hotness beyond simple physical appearance, and have had some really arousing and exciting play times with people that I might not have considered sexually appealing before. Assuming that there is not a deeper issue at work here, I do hope that you decide to broaden your horizons. If you elect not to do that, then I wish you fair skies and following winds!