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Hey there. Appreciate your commenting, Billlief. I actually wish that you could walk in my shoes (or my stilettos as the case may be) any given day when I've really really struggled with this issue. I wish that you could see how my face looks as I am frustrated, angry, crying about what to do. I wish you had a timer so that you could make note of the hours and hours literally that I have spent arguing, discussing, laying out points on what I am ultimately seeing could be pointless unless we both make major changes. I wish you could have gone with me to all these swinger events and seen me trying so hard to talk myself into being totally OK with whatever happened weekend after weekend. I wish you could be by my side to watch how difficult this roller-coaster of a journey has been. Just when I think we might be doing well, some other issue pops up. I wish you could understand how I have truly struggled in a relationship that I thought was "The One." I have no one else to talk to about this. Who am I going to tell about swinging? My mother, my sister, my friends at church? This is the only place that I have been able to let loose about all details and sit in the hot seat and be able to accept all comments, all judgments. I'm willing to take this - good, bad, anything. Believe me, there have been more than a few occasions in which I find myself sitting at the laptop wondering if I should post something because people might be bored or think I'm beating my head against a brick wall and not listening or like you think I'm doing this for my own glorification. Then, I usually post with some reluctance anyway because I need help! I thought that's why people came to the forums - to ask for opinions, to bounce things, to feel validated (or not). That's all. I'm just a girl in a not-so-great situation who is finding it difficult to just ax my relationship. I'm a real person with a real dilemma who is trying to think through all angles before I make a decision I may or may not regret. I have come back to this thread multiple times not to hear myself talk, but rather to go through everyone's opinions because I value them all. Even yours.

This is also a red flag. If my wife and I need relationship counseling, that means we need to stop swinging and focus on our relationship. If the other couple needs relationship counseling, that is not a couple we want to swing with....otherwise we are begging for drama.

Hi Earthsand, I can definitely appreciate all the turmoil that you describe because a couple years ago I went through a tumultuous relationship with a girlfriend who had mental / abuse issues that made her intermittently wonderful as well as a nightmare to be with, often within the same day. And I often asked for advice from friends when the newest iteration of her crazy reared it's head in our relationship, so I completely understand that as well. I stayed in the relationship for a miserable year, trying to support her because I was trying to help her, hoping she would get better and we could eventually live the fairy tale lifestyle that I felt like we deserved. But I finally realized that all the ups and down were never going to have a happy ending, because I was just along for the ride on her never ending rollercoaster (I've often described it as that so I perked up when you described yours that way as well!). I just say all that to let you know that I do have sympathy for where you're coming from, I just don't know if there's any additional benefit to receiving new advice to each dip and drop in the relationship that this guy subjects you to, when it's all just part of being on that same rollercoaster. So it's like if my girlfriend abuses me by punching me in the arm, and I ask for advice on what to do. Then she punches me in the chest and I ask for advice on what to do. Then she punches me in the back and I ask for advice on what to do. Ultimately the advice is the same for each instance of abuse... summon up your dignity and find the strength walk away. So that's really all I was saying in regards to your situation, don't look at each of the indignities that he's put you through as individual infractions that can eventually be fixed. Look at it as a roller coaster that you either want to be on for the rest of your life, or you don't. You have the power to stop the constant ups and downs and say, hey I'm ready to get off for good. Anyway that being said, I very much appreciate your mature response and I'm glad that you didn't take any offense at my post. You are completely right, this is a safe and accepting place to share thoughts so please do be encouraged to continue posting and engaging in thoughtful discussions such as the one you began.

So take an active role. You can do this very directly, or more subtly. But taking no role in directing, and then complaining about the direction makes no sense. The direct approach would be to simply tell him you want more variety, and that you don't mind anal but it doesn't get you off. This path makes for the least misunderstandings, but also risks bruised egos. The more subtle approach would be to simply take a more active role in the moment but to leave it unspoken. Directing the positioning, especially when you sense he's getting close to cumming. In either case, it is your own responsibility to communicate what you do and do not like.