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At the risk of getting This is a debate that rages in many relationship where each partner wants decidedly different things in their sexual relationship. He is clearly happy rejecting monogamy for the recreational aspects of swinging. You, on the other hand, want (to return to) a monogamous relationship. He feels that you should be willing to accept a little bit of discomfort for him. You feel that he should forgo what he is clearly enjoying for you. Here are my opinions: 1. You should not have sex with anyone against your will. 2. It seems to me that you want him (and expect him, maybe) to change his stripes for you. Right and wrong have no meaning here. There is only what he is willing to do and what you are willing to do. And, it very well may be that he is unwilling to give up swinging at this point in order to stay in the relationship with you. So, you can want him to be different. But, at this point, it seems to me that your choices are to leave him and the relationship or be prepared to live with constant pressure to return to swinging. Moreover, the more you resist returning to swinging, the more he is likely to view your resistance as an unreasonable rejection of him sexually and an affirmation that you really don't love him the way he wants (needs) to be loved. 3. So, you have said that you can live without the swinging. How committed are you to having a life that does not include swinging? Are you prepared to leave him? If the choice is no swinging or I am leaving--then you need to tell him that. And, you need to be prepared to live with the possibility that he will choose the swinging over the relationship with you. 4. Alternatively, if swinging is not a relationship imperative to you and is simply something that you can take or leave (which your post seems to suggest) and you are frustrated because (right now) you want to leave it and he isn't following--I wonder why you feel empowered to control your joint sexual life in this way. Maybe what he is rejecting is your right to decide unilaterally how the two of you should interact sexually. Now, I expect to get flamed here, but IMO the truth is that a number of relationships are defined by differences in sexual interest and libido. And, many, many married couples spend years working to find acceptable middle grounds between what is ideally desirable for each independently. Our society expects married couples to remain monogamous. But, I contend that divorce rates are a strong indicator that the expectation of monogamy is maybe, just maybe unrealistic in many relationships (particularly where the degree of sexual interest differs greatly). So, what is more important--the relationship or the sexual monogamy? If you cannot have both, which are you willing to live without? Because, it is possible that with this man, you may have to choose. Before you choose, be sure to talk to some number of unmarried females in your age bracket and ask them how easy it is to find an otherwise good man at your age. You may find out that your choice is really between having a relationship without monogamy and no relationship at all. I am not saying that this reality should cause you to accept something which you cannot stand. But, if what we are talking about is a preference and not an imperative, I suggest that you truly consider what your options are. All the complaining in the world (whether to this board or to other locations) will not make your man see the "rightness" of your position. And to everyone who would flame me--I am not defending him. He may be a cad and he may not be worth staying with under these circumstances. But, that is a decision that she must make. I am merely observing that he is unlikely to change his spots. And, getting angrier and angrier at his decision to remain intransigent can only serve to cause her to become more and more committed to him changing his position when, in fact, she may be able (just unwilling) to live with the non-monogamy. If that is the case, it may be better for her to select that path than to take another. OK - flame away...

you ARE thinking too much about it. dump him... OR at least drop the swinging. it's not working for you, and your husband won't respect your feelings on it all... so it's not swinging. it's "justified" cheating. there may be 100 reasons WHY your finding swinging unenjoyable, but without a TRUELY supportive husband, there is no reason to even start looking at them. your husband isn't practicing swinging. if he were, your feelings would be as important if not more important as his own

While I fully understand each position presented - and agree with almost all of it - I think the approach here was not the best. This was a newbie that was having high levels of fantasy frustration. This can get to a male when you spend too many hours within XXX and mentally living through fantasies. You can start to think that your wife has all the same thoughts a feelings within her and you need to drag them out. But, in reality she's worried about anything but sex. What needed to happend here was a brake job. He needed to be slowed down, sat down, and brought back to reality. He needed to know that there is a way to approach this, but forcing it into his plans and timetable is not the way to go about it. Instead he was beaten up, slapped upside the head, called names, and accused of wanting to do horrible things to the woman he's loved enough to stay married to for 20 years. When talking to newbies, remember that you aren't talking to peers. In many years of marriage counselling, there were only two cases I can recall where brute force was applicable. In one case I didn't use it, the marriage failed, and I later learned that brute force may have helped. In the second case I used brute force and saved a 5-year marriage. Finesse is an art. Sometimes you just need to first gain someones confidence, then sit them down, calm them down, talk thing out, then help them change their course. I think this is a terrific site with many talented, educated, and experienced people that for the most part are concerned for everyone they touch. Take this in the spirit it was intended - to add to the help. I don't mean it to be critical.

Most of us had been there, and it is true, it's the millon dollar question, because not every fantasy have to become true, so, it is important to tell appart what's safe enough for your emotional health and your relationship health to make true, and what to refrain (at least at the begining). I'd say, take it slowly, one step at a time, doing soft swinging. Set the limits for your first "adventure", for example, "let's flirt, dance with other people, kissing and some touching would be ok but that's it", at the speed of the slowest one of you. Stick to your plan no matter of what, be upfront with the other people you're with, because if you create false expectations, it easily may lead to situations you may not know how to handle, and even end up being pushed to do something beyond your limits. Pay attention to each other feelings as thing evolve. Some of us have a sign language to let each other know how things are going, and more important, that someone needs a break. Behave as if both of you were just one person regarding your "plan", if you need to talk or ask your SO a question, take a moment and do it privatelly (it isn't unpolite to openly ask for a break, walk away, talk, and come back, because every couple knows it's required some privacy to make up your mind before jumping in). If some of you feels something isn't right, stop and talk about it. Play the game at your confort level, get back home and talk about the experience, the turn ons and the turn offs, how do you feel about it, and from there start broadening the limits, one step at a time, as to test the waters. The most significative advice we got when we started, because by following it we found a way to deal with our fears, was to understand whatever may happen as the outcome from a shared decision, thus the responsibility would be shared as well. Let's suppose you expect your hubby to behave in some way you planned, but something you didn't make a plan for, happend, hurting you. If you blame on him for this, then you'd be denying your share of responsibility, but if you understand this as a shared mistake, whatever it is, it would become an accident both of you suffered, and requiring from both of you to overcome. For as long as you both can make a commitment about the shared responsibility, and both of you are able to stick to this commitment, you'd be doing it fine, even if after the experience you choose not to swing.