Wrong not to disclose safe sex requirement?

[Dont.Stop 339]

We are 40-somethings, less than six months into the lifestyle. But we've played plenty in that time. Met a couple a a party last weekend. 50-somethings, and plenty experienced. We got to talking and touching in the pool. While Mrs. DontStop and the male continued pool play, I led the female upstairs. Since it was obvious from the underwater action she was ready to mount me right there, I told as we headed up that we play safe. She said ok, but her husband didn't have any condoms.

 

We played upstairs and later they joined us. After some time he was ready to mount Mrs and we stopped him and said "You gotta wrap it first."

 

He didn't say much after that, and within in a few minutes he said he was taking a break and left the room, and us in a FMF situation.

 

Did we fail here, not expressing safe play to him ahead of time?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

You should carry extra condoms to share with those who have none.

[VegasLee 1,486]

I don't feel you did wrong.

 

In 30+ years I have never felt the responsibility to bring others "party supplies" to the party. If they come to party they should come prepared or not to party.

 

Guess I am to much on personal responsibility to see that others take care of their self.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--Okay, you went to Play and only had one condom for yourself. You really ARE new at this. He chose to remove himself from the environment rather than express frustration in the moment. Sounds like a real gentlemen to me.

 

The only way I would view this as a failure is if you allowed it to occur again. I admit that when we Play I have 5 to 10 condoms in my purse. Lastly, next time, have your wife rock his world.

[Dont.Stop 339]

Susan here--Okay, you went to Play and only had one condom for yourself. You really ARE new at this. He chose to remove himself from the environment rather than express frustration in the moment. Sounds like a real gentlemen to me.

 

The only way I would view this as a failure is if you allowed it to occur again. I admit that when we Play I have 5 to 10 condoms in my purse. Lastly, next time, have your wife rock his world.

 

Poor assumption there. We had plenty... I always have at least half a dozen Magnums for myself, and there are plenty more in different shapes and colors on hand for those times when Mrs. is in a separate room. We've never liked that the majority of the couples we've met consider condom use an afterthought, but it is what it is and we are prepared.

 

If he said "I don't have one" we'd have certainly pointed to where they were (we've unfortunately have done this plenty of times). What he did was stop trying to penetrate. Then he worked Mrs with his hand for a bit. Then eventually he got up and left.

 

Mrs. says in retrospect, "If he's gonna go pout in the corner, that's his loss." She had spent plenty of time working on him orally and he was reciprocating when this all happened.

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

You didn't do anything wrong. At a minimum, he should have asked.

[pakandj 15]

Since we play safe we always carry extra condoms too. I feel that we should have them for both the Mr and myself, since we are the ones who want to use them. I have never had a problem with someone not having any but I dont want there to be a first time. That being said I do feel that every couple should bring their own.

[Chicup 41]

Who the hell goes to a swing party without condoms?

 

Yeah I know some swingers have an almost religious fervor in explaining how condoms are not somehow 'safer' than bareback but that's not the issue.

 

The issue is many swingers will insist on them so you might as well have them as it beats not getting any.

[MN Tom 251]

So is the guess here that he just didn't want to play with a condom on and decided to leave instead of putting one on?

 

Or that he felt embarrassed that he didn't have one?

 

Sounds to me like he plays bareback most of the time.

[Swing*8701 887]

Well, I do apologize for the misunderstanding on my part. Yet, certain facts were left out that would have helped me out. That being said, with the additional information, what you really had was a Play experience that went badly because of expectations on both sides. Probably best to move on.

[SexyRedmondCpl 128]

... The issue is many swingers will insist on them so you might as well have them as it beats not getting any.

 

Amen, Chicup!

 

We insist on condom use, and always bring enough to share. Believe me, nobody (myself included) prefers condoms to bareback. And, no, condoms alone aren't a silver bullet to protect 101% against all STDs/STIs. However, we drew our line there when we made our rules, and we're definitely not alone in that.

 

In or out of the lifestyle, all men should expect to be asked to wear a condom during intercourse unless explicitly told otherwise. Period. That way, if that's not the expectation, at least you won't be unprepared.

[lizandtom 512]

The guy was trying to get away with doing your wife bareback, which undoubtedly started in their pool play. When you called him out on it, his intentions were made public. He was embarrassed and probably was about to head into some form of limpness and wanted to avoid the humiliation. That's what I gather. it was never really about having condoms or not; someone can ALWAYS find 'em at a swing party somewhere.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Dont.Stop said:

Did we fail here, not expressing safe play to him ahead of time?

 

Here's what I do: When we decide to go to a room I say, "Do you have condoms?" (I think it's better for guys to use what they are most comfortable with). If he says, "No," I give him mine and tell him that condoms are our rule. I've never had a problem with this. I think stopping someone right before penetration is a little off-putting, I would just try to broach the subject earlier. It sounds like he wasn't the best match or most respectful guy, so I wouldn't worry that you did something wrong.

 

We are continually amazed by the number of people we encounter who play bareback. Some complain a little after the fact/ask to play bare next time, lol, but of course everything is great during. Most are fine with respecting our rule and are gracious about it.

[Dont.Stop 339]

Thanks... that's very sound advice. Admittedly I'm more of the opinion of VegasLee, but we always (and will always) have plenty of condoms on hand. I'll recommend to Mrs that she explicitly state condom use before things get too hot and heavy.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

lizandtom said:

The guy was trying to get away with doing your wife bareback, which undoubtedly started in their pool play. When you called him out on it, his intentions were made public. He was embarrassed and probably was about to head into some form of limpness and wanted to avoid the humiliation. That's what I gather. it was never really about having condoms or not; someone can ALWAYS find 'em at a swing party somewhere.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking.

 

We always have condoms with us before we go to a party or out to meet a couple. Usually we have a whole box and if anyone needs one we share.

 

 

[sweet_tna 680]

My take on this is that this guy was probably hoping to get away with bareback. After all, who goes to a swinger party without condoms these days? I know there are folks who do play bareback, but in our experience, most don't (especially at parties/clubs). Not to mention, all he had to do was ask to borrow one if he were willing to comply.

 

That said, it might be a good idea (just to avoid frustration) by making your rule clear up front. Better yet, wear this shirt.

 

=)

[MrsPandMe 150]

Ya know, this is sort of an irritating trend we've seen lately, especially with "older" swingers. Mrs. P and I are in our 30's, which puts us in the "young-in" range, so play with folks older then us are the norm, and we actually prefer it. In any event, especially lately, we've run into a string of guys who seem to assume that bareback is okay with the Mrs. This creates two problems. One is she has to throw out the stop sign in the heat of the moment, and the other is, if she's not paying attention in a group environment, *I* have to play "goalie", which obviously takes me out of the game or at least severely hampers my ability to pay attention to the things I SHOULD be paying attention to.

 

It all comes down to respect. Depending on the situation, I will either always roll one on, or at least ASK her what she prefers. As a man, I find it disrespectful to assume a partner is okay with bareback. I mean, dudes, I KNOW it feels better without, but c'mon, man, where is the fooking respect? I can't fathom the thought of just diving in without some form of green light from her!

 

Mr. P.

[Dont.Stop 339]

As a man, I find it disrespectful to assume a partner is okay with bareback. I mean, dudes, I KNOW it feels better without, but c'mon, man, where is the fooking respect? I can't fathom the thought of just diving in without some form of green light from her!

 

I owe you a beer my friend, because that's what it IS all about... respect.

[exploringRM 305]

Typically Mrs. Exploring has condoms with her. She prefers a particular brand, and we don't always play together, especially at parties.

 

But I agree that assuming bareback ok is way wrong!