Anyone have a problem with Kissing?

[JDStevie 15]

My wife and I have been talking about swinging and giving it open consideration. We both feel that we are secure it our relationship and our desire to experiment.

 

My problem forms from sex can't feel like cheating to me, it is no different from playing a board game for emotional meaning, however kissing is VERY emotional to me. I find myself feeling jealous or upset at the idea of my wife kissing other men.

 

Anyone else out there feel this way? Any advice from people who have overcome this?

[Alura 2,773]

First of all, from Oklahoma, JDStevie! We're glad you've joined us and hope you'll stop by the Introductions Forum and tell us more about yourselves.

 

Kissing requires an emotional leap for some couples. Some have rules against it. Each couple must decide whether or not to include it in their play. Realize, however, that a hard rule against kissing may cause some couples (ourselves included) to pass on an opportunity to play with y'all. I wouldn't want the responsibility of having to remember not to kiss. Such a rule can also be a potential problem should arousal overtake emotional control and you or your wife suddenly realize you've begun kissing a playmate with open mouths and dancing tongues.

 

We enjoy kissing as much as intercourse and couldn't imagine having sex without including it. It wouldn't be complete for us.

 

It might help for y'all to define the meaning of kissing as the two of you see it. In our case, when Mrs. Alura and I kiss it's a way of saying, "I love you." When we kiss other people it's a way of saying, "let's get hot!" There's no obvious difference in the physical act just like there's no difference in the act of intercourse. There's a world of difference in our mindsets.

 

Several times I've asked couples with a rule against kissing, "If you don't kiss, what do you do to get aroused?" I've never heard a satisfactory (to me) answer.

 

In my opinion, the emotion of jealousy is in one's mind and can be controlled. In swinging, it must be, so discuss your feelings with your wife and make a decision. Whatever it is, we're glad to have you and your wife in the lifestyle and, particularly, here on the Swingers Board.

 

Mr. Alura

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Kissing is just part of sex for us. You use your mouth for other forms of sex? What the difference between sticking a tongue in your mouth or a tit or penis or pussy or whatever?

 

If there was a hangup it would be you don't know where (ick) :eek:their privates have been and don't want it in your mouth. That's just my opinion. I am sure some people have emotional ties to kissing and want to keep it special. For us it doesn't matter, what's the difference?

[LFM2 1,482]

Hey there, and to the board JDStevie!! We're so glad you found our little corner of the world!!

 

You're very right in that kissing is a very personal emotional act. Some find it too emotional to share with others while others (like us) find it hot and exciting. In fact, like the Alura's, I'm afraid we'd pass you up for playmates because we enjoy it so much and one of us would forget the rules and mess something up. We'd rather do what comes naturally.

 

It's all about what you're comfortable with. When Mr. LFM and I decided to start swinging, I was the one that banned kissing. Why? Because I felt like you. I thought it would be too emotional for me to witness my husband kissing another woman. In all honesty, it was my insecurity. I wanted to keep that one thing special between me and my man.

 

Actually, when I thought about it, there was more that is kept between him and me than just kissing. I know that we have a love bond so strong that nobody is going to take that away. Nothing is going to come between us and that love. He will always come home with me. The no kissing rule was banned when we talked about my insecurity soon after we started swinging. It was easy actually. It's like the act of sex itself... I actually find it erotic to see him kissing another woman. In fact, he's a great kisser and I'm always glad to share him with another woman.

 

How does your wife feel about kissing?

[Guest cpl4funindel]

Hi there, and welcome to the forums!

 

When my Wife and I started out a couple months back, that was actually one of our starter rules (before we'd done anything). During our first "coupling", things were a little awkward while we were starting play as (I realize now) kissing was part of our "warmup", so we were both kind of lost as to where to start. We both looked at each other, and nodded... I knew exactly what that meant. I suppose the point is that we found that if you're jumping into a completely new situation and trying to change your normal sexual behavior at the same time, it may be more difficult and cause more anxiety. Funny enough, after everything was said and done she told me that seeing me kiss the other lady was the most arousing thing she'd seen that evening... Go figure!

 

No matter what you decide, make sure you're both in constant communication about your wants, dislikes and feelings in general. It will make things go smoother, and help you stay focused on enjoying the experience.

 

Good luck!

[dnmnms 55]

Honestly I don't think I could have as much fun without being able to kiss. That's a warm up that begins getting things heated for me (speaking as female here). Even if hubby got me warmed up with the liplocks it would still not be as exciting.

 

There are different forms of kissing I guess. I know little nips and sucking a little on a tongue to me is erotic as hell.

 

But each couple is different. What works for some might not work for others. You have to find your comfort level.

 

Melody

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

We enjoy kissing as much as intercourse and couldn't imagine having sex without including it. It wouldn't be complete for us.

 

Ditto. Pretty much mandatory for us, and we're pretty new to the LS. We avoid couples with the "no kissing" rule.

[SnakeBabe 51]

I love to kiss.

But that’s just us. Everyone makes their own rules. If I am with someone who does not allow it I’m fine with that but it is more fun for me if it’s allowed. Not a deal breaker but I do enjoy making out.

 

Hugs and Hissessss,

Maria

[easleyfuncpl 58]

We love to kiss also and at the beginning had said that there would be No Kissing with others because of the intimacy. Our first time that went out the window and we have been glad since.

 

Kissing adds so much more to the sex and enjoyment.

[AdamInEve 28]

I had read in another thread a while back and I can't seem to find it right now, nor can I remember who wrote it, but it went something like, "No Kissing is usually the first rule a couple adopts. It's also usually the first rule to go out the window". It was certainly true for us.

[pervgeeks 119]

cpl4funindel said:

Hi there, and welcome to the forums!

 

During our first "coupling", things were a little awkward while we were starting play as (I realize now) kissing was part of our "warmup", so we were both kind of lost as to where to start. We both looked at each other, and nodded... I knew exactly what that meant. I suppose the point is that we found that if you're jumping into a completely new situation and trying to change your normal sexual behavior at the same time, it may be more difficult and cause more anxiety.

 

Exactly, putting rules that are inherently unnatural to just basic sexuality just don't feel right for us. We don't mind softswapping, but no kissing is a dealbreaker.

[tankman101 15]

JDStevie said:

Anyone else out there feel this way? Any advise from people who have overcome this?

 

Well JD let me say this, I was in your shoes. I wasn't the one who initiated the swinging idea and I had a lot of reservations.

So, set up your ground rules. They are very important starting out. If you are not "ok" with kissing,then agree not to do it. That may change in the future.

 

Now, I feel something is missing without it and its something that can turn us off to a couple who doesn't want too. (Bar maybe someone new to swinging)

 

I had a great time 2 weekends ago with a new couple and it was a ton of fun.

 

Baby steps. First, if this is something you really want to get into, get your feet wet. Start as slow as you want and see how it goes. Sex with new couples is a HUGE decision. You can always change your ground rules as you become more comfortable.

Make sure the people you start out with are people you LIKE and enjoy being with. Don't just hop in the sack with the first yahoo who says "yes".

 

Have fun

[cplnuswing 4,712]

2insandiego4u said:

Ditto. Pretty much mandatory for us, and we're pretty new to the LS. We avoid couples with the "no kissing" rule.

 

Same here. It was one of many things we talked about when setting up our initial rules, but we both agreed that we didn't think we needed a rule for that one. Everyone is entitled to their rules, but we would pass by couple with a no kissing rule - just too awkward and takes away so much from the experience.

[TheDeal 117]

I would have to agree here with no kissing being a no-fun and hard to play by rule. Really, it's the kinda rule you might have if you are in to complete anonymous sex. The best part of sex with someone new is getting to know them enough for the initial chemistry to kick in. Kissing is an affirmation of that chemistry as much as sex is. Even though swingers tend to define playmates with non-emotional fun, it's the "light" emotional chemistry that's the fun part and kissing is very much a part of that.

[sweet_tna 680]

First and foremost, you have to do what ya'll are comfortable with. Don't worry about what you think others might expect. If kissing is something you want to try adding to your play, then by all means, give it a go. But start slowly, and make sure that any couple you attempt this with knows how you feel. You know, that whole COMMUNICATION thing.

 

Mr. Sweet and I are kissers. It feels natural to us to kiss the person we're having sex with. Of course, it's more emotional when Mr. Sweet and I kiss each other, but so is every look, every touch, and every word.

[charms123 52]

Welcome welcome and welcome.

 

Its great that you two are thinking about the lifestyle. One bit of advice. Make sure you are sure. And have you talked about it over coffee and a danish and not just in bed?

 

As for your question, I like to kiss and M does not mind. In fact, he like to watch me kiss. The only problem for me is that M has spoiled me as he is a great kisser and most men (and some women) do not meet my standards. I guess he ruined me!

 

So its up to you two but whatever you decide, make sure you are both ok with it. like everything else in the lifestyle. Then one day you will turn around and wonder where all your "rules" went!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

To me, kissing is a HUGE part of foreplay... it's like the starting line, really. If I'm out on the dancefloor with someone the first step is usually a kiss on the dancefloor and then things progress from there. I can't see us hooking up with a couple that had a no kissing rule.

[Willing29 66]

I have to agree with Julie. We are still very new to the LS and are starting out with only soft for now and when my wife and I talked about rules, the no kissing rule came up which I was fine with. But if you are going to suck or lick somone else kissing seems to be the least of the emotinal concerns. And as many have stated here that is sort of the first step in foreplay, at least for me so it just seems logical. To answer another thread of 'Breaking the Ice' kissing is a great way to get comfortable. BTW, no kissing is now not one of our rules.

[mixed417 15]

Totally agree. we are strictly into this for sex. Sex is sex, love is love...

[willyoats 324]

Neither of us ever had a sex (intercourse) partner that we did not kiss.

 

There were several soft swing couples whom we did not kiss, unless you count oral sex as kissing. That was not because the other couple refused to kiss; as best we can recall, we just didn't try to kiss them.

 

However, we do know one very attractive couple (who were just friends) who decided that kissing was off limits. It seemed strange at the time that this beautiful woman would fuck your brains out but wouldn't kiss. Now maybe we understand that it was just some part of their relationship that, for some reason known only to themselves, they decided to keep exclusively for themselves.

[LFM2 1,482]

There are plenty of men and women out there that have a hard time separating the emotions of kissing. Some think kissing is more of an emotional act than sex. Then there are the opposites who think sex is just about as intimate as you can get. It's all in your perception.

 

We used to have the no kissing rule that lasted about 20 minutes into our first play-date. It's a feeling that you can't imagine until you're in the thick of things. In my mind, it was going to be worse to watch my husband kiss someone than to fuck this woman.

 

Thinking about it, there are plenty more things that we keep just between each other than kissing. Good grief, we have more than 24 years together, three kids, a dog and a life full of love and laughter. Kissing someone else is not going to change that. Ever.