What makes you want to swing?

[fun4Ds 1,097]

it appeals to us because we are kinky and perverted

 

no, just kidding kidding... I think

 

we do have some limits

 

it's a sexual road... traveled in our lives together .

[Jamie&Kieth 36]

We just enjoy the group sex atmosphere

[Spoomonkey 418]

I think the motivation is as different as the couple. The reasons we do it may not make sense to anyone else - and we may not be able to make sense out of anyone else's reasons. Que sera sera...

 

I am not one who subscribes to a simple biological reason for it, simply because it doesn't explain (or fairly respect) the folks who are monogamous. I am sure there are biological imperatives involved on both sides of the fault line, but I also think there is often something deeper involved. The ability to self-determine rather than be an automaton is something I believe that I, at least, have.

 

Do some people do it to ward off infidelity? I'm sure they do. Do others do it out of a sense of comfort with their mate? Maybe even boredom? Sure. Like I said, everyone is going to be different.

 

Personally, we do it as an extension of "us". It is something we do and enjoy together - and when we have tried it alone, it hasn't been the same. IT is our chance to explore together - and to enjoy certain friends on a different level, I suppose. We are anything but bored or a risk to cheat.

 

See? I don't think I can really explain why we do it, but I understand why we do. I'd give the same, "I know, but can't explain it" answer to why I enjoy playing Xbox...

[BiloxiCouple 694]

Basic reproduction needs. Or just plain sex.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Very interesting questions, Sigh.

 

I think the motivation is as different as the couple.

Dito I think that the answers in this thread demonstrate just how different the motivations can be!

 

Our personal answers:

 

Why does swinging appeal to us? Is it our complete understanding and comfortability with our mate?

 

Yes. It has brought us to new heights of emotional and mental intimacy with each other.

 

And/ Or, for some maybe, are we keeping our friends close and our enemies closer?

 

No, nothing to do with this at all.

 

Do some swing to ward off cheating?

 

I know for a fact that some do. In our case, absolutely not. Cheating isn't even in the equation for us, swinging or not. (Neither of us have ever cheated on anybody, even through long periods of extreme sexual deprivation with past spouses. We know we don't have it in us.)

 

Is the intense intimacy caused by mutal satisfaction or mutual trauma?

Most definitely mutual satisfaction. We both love to see the other pleased. We give each other the "gift" of sexual experiences that are beyond what we ourselves can give (variety, multiple partner experiences). Example: my husband's fondest fantasy was to have two women going down on him at once. I could not pull this off alone.

 

Does swinging allow us to feel less dependence upon our mate, thereby lessening the blow of there loss someday even if only slightly?

No, not in the slightest. If anything, the opposite is true. If I were to lose him, the blow would be deep and devastating. There is no one else like him, for me. Never have I shared with a man all that I share with him (and he feels the same about me).

[sexcupid 809]

1. Why does swinging appeal to us? 2. Is it our complete understanding and comfortability with our mate? 3. And/ Or, for some maybe, are we keeping our friends close and our enemies closer? 4. Do some swing to ward off cheating? 5. Is the intense intimacy caused by mutal satisfaction or mutual trauma? 6. Does swinging allow us to feel less dependence upon our mate, thereby lessening the blow of there loss someday even if only slightly? 7. Who in this lifestyle has experienced a great and devastating loss before finding a mate to swing with?

 

1. We like to fuck. Each other especially, but like someone new now and then. Yes some of it is biological/evolutionary...but I like to think that since the species has evolved that we have a greater control over our impulses and don't buy this arguement. (But baby, I need to spread my seed....that's the way we were created! Oh please. )

 

2. I think there has to be a level of understanding to do this, but 'comfortablility' to me seems like, 'I'm bored and want to do something different'. I hope I am never that comfortable in a relationship.

 

3. There are some friends we like to have close... But enemies would not fall in that category. That would be too vengeful for my liking and I don't want my 'enemies' to feel like they have a one up on me. I could think of one potential playmate for my SO that was very disrespectful to me for a time after Jeff and I started seeing each other. Would I have a problem with him playing with her? Oh yes, and he respects that and has not asked her. Just as I have respected his wish that I not contact one of my former playmates for play time (of course this guy is question was his supervisor when we started going out...and they both have that alpha male type personality...alas it is not to be at this time).

 

4. That is not one of our primary reasons to want to swing...however if he came to me and had said, 'I've been propositioned. I didn't want to cheat on you and hurt you...so I found a way that I can get what I want, you can get something out of it too, and it'll all be great!' Uh, no...definitely would not have been a winning arguement for me (I know there are probably better ways to phrase it, but it all comes down to possibly hurting the other person you are with, especially if they think you are unsatisfied enough that you were already considering cheating).

 

5. Depending on the partner you have, it could be mutual trauma... But I don't feel a whole new level of intimacy with my SO....maybe we aren't doing something right? We've always tried to be pretty open with each other (sometimes too much so)...

 

6. Some days I think that way (mostly if I'm having a bad day anyway)...but for the most part, I would be very hurt if he was gone. Do I think it decreases your dependence on your partner in a social situation or make you realize that there are some things that can empower you or that you can get an ego boost from someone else and not rely on just one person for all of your emotional needs like that? Sure.

 

7. What do you define as a devastating loss? A divorce or death of a spouse? A previous relationship that swinging was not involved in and you wanted it to be?

 

Maria

[JustAskJulie 2,588]

Ah, the age old question... Why do we swing? I'm fairly sure the answer is going to be different for everyone who answers.

 

For me, it's because I enjoy being sexual, I enjoy women as well as men and I like attention

[sigh35 20]

Thank you for all your thoughtful replies Sometimes I just jump into things, but sometimes I like to think them completely through. Your answers were very helpful and confirm my own motivations.

[WesternSwing 504]

Chicup said:

People have a tendency to over think motives and assign interactions where there are none.

 

We are products of evolution and multiple partners is a part of that evolution, so is pair bonding for that matter and just about every other human sexual/reproductive relationship.

 

Now sometimes there can be abnormalities in this behaviour, but in the case of swinging I do not think there is anything abnormal about it from a human behavior standpoint. We have found a healthy outlet to those genetic desires we are all slaves of to some extent.

I agree. Social anthropologists will tell you that monogamy is not a natural state for human beings and to this day is only the dominant lifestyle (or said to be) amongst Western-religionized countries, and even within the them the infidelity rate is 30% to 40%, but their "monogamous", right?

 

Many anthropologists believe (and I subscribe to this theory also) that although humans pair-bond and may be socially monogamous, sexual non-monogamy may have provided a stronger gene pool as well as promoted tribal bonding that insured the survival of our species. For instance Og might have the better genes for offspring but make a really shitty dad. Grog might make a much better dad to raise offspring but not have the better genes to promote survival. Also, you're much more willing to fight to the death to protect someone you're intimately involved with, therefore the tribal bonding created by sexual non-monogamy insured protection for the females and offspring of the tribe if several males were offering them physical protection rather than just one.

 

Modern society has conditioned us to accept monogamy as the norm rather than what our own biology is telling us.

 

I can say from personal experience that for several months that Mrs. WS had a boyfriend my life was much easier. I was traveling allot for work at the time and he was a single male that was a police officer and was very protective over my household while I was away. He was also part of our "tribe" of close friends that were more than lovers. Him being there for her and my family gave me a huge feeling of relief that allowed me to concentrate on my work and providing for my family when I was away rather than trying to run my family by remote control, probably much like ancient peoples did when some men hung back to protect the women and offspring while others went hunting to provide for the clan.

 

Mrs. WS was the happiest I'd seen her in a long time, and therefore so was I. Why? She didn't feel abandoned when I was traveling. Because I no longer had to be her everything like society tells us our mate has to be which is totally impossible, putting undue amounts of pressure on people, and I think is one of the great reasons for the divorce rate.

 

We're told we're supposed to marry our prince or princess and live happily ever after forsaking all others. Great, but one person can not fill every need in a persons life, both emotionally and physically, and when people come to this conclusion they become disappointed and feel "let down" by their spouse and start searching for what is missing behind their spouse's back. I think this is also the reason that many people carry on affairs for years and never leave their primary relationship unless they get caught. It's not having your cake and eating it too, it's being totally fulfilled as a human being. In fact in a survey done about cheating in 2005 70% of those cheating said they would never leave their spouse for their lover. In essence their lover was filling in the gaps left by their primary relationship, not replacing the primary relationship.

 

That is the reason we are open to poly relationships if they happen. The reason we swing is because it fills a portion of this need outlined above. It feels good to be desired by others, we both put allot of importance on the other's happiness, we both are voyeurs that love to watch each other have sex in the third person role, we both love knowing that each other has had a great time and is totally sexually satisfied. And knowing all this makes us even crave each other more. I think like outlined above it's a feeling of "wow, that was great, but now I need just you because you are my soul mate."

 

Maybe a longer answer than you were looking for, but I hope I conveyed my ideas well.

[socolais 696]

There's a lot of interesting thoughts behind all these comments and it got me into deep thinking mode. I happen to like what Fun4Ds said about it being something of an adventure - a "road", perhaps one less traveled. I can relate to that very easily.

 

Back to basic psych. Ya simply can't have an activity without first experiencing a need (Maslow). After the basic needs of survival and social acceptance have been satisfied, we recognise "higher needs" like self actualization. The need for adventure fits well within the bounds of self actualizing - the need to explore an unknown, to feel the excitement, to share that excitement with others. To explore intense sexual sensations and gratification - to catch a buzz. To successfully provide sexual stimulation to a stranger and feel the pride in a job well done - her smile is my reward.

 

I believe swinging satisfies our need for adventure in a way we thoroughly enjoy. We have vanilla adventures that also contribute to that feeling of satisfaction. Swinging is just one facet on a complex gem (adventurine??).

 

Feeling tookish???