Broken Hearted - Bad Experience with Single Female

[Daddy'sGirl 15]

Daddy'sGirl, this whole time I've been curious...

 

Was she hot?

she was so not.

[TeamSoBe 36]

she was so not.

Well then you can cross off all of the insecurities that you brought up in yourself about him wanting something better than you or enjoying her more than you. Natural to fear those things initially but cross that off of your list of concerns if she wasn't hot or anything.

 

It seems like a big part of why you were so hurt was because your husband didn't immediately empathize with your pain over where he stuck his willy. Fair point, but the more I have thought about your husband's point of view that night the more I realize why that might have happened.

 

Aside from having the girl in his first adventure go crazy on him and wound his ego, wouldn't your husband risk severe career repercussions if he were arrested and charged with rape? I suspect that's where his head was immediately after the fact. Give him some slack for at least an hour or two for the adrenaline to wear off from almost having his whole life destroyed. If there's any truth to that then you have another thing to cross off of your list of things to worry about. If he got over the shock of having his life almost destroyed and then put himself in your position within a reasonable amount of time then maybe he did his job as well as any human could under the circumstances. Don't want to defend him more than he deserves but almost getting arrested for rape really is a big deal.

[Daddy'sGirl 15]

TeamSoBe said:

Don't want to defend him more than he deserves but almost getting arrested for rape really is a big deal.

 

omg very big deal. Even the accusation could have destroyed His career. If I hadn't been awake it would have been her word against His. He even had scratch marks on his face and neck from when she was trying to get past Him to get to me. All of which would have supported her accusation If I hadn't been an eye/ear witness to everything. 2 squad cars appeared outside his place. 4 police officers and a crying woman sitting outside His apartment. Yes I can understand that perhaps the last thing on his mind would have been the fact that he had just broken his wife's heart. My husband's apartment complex is literally 2 miles from the police Dept. So within 10 minutes of seeing my husband fuck some woman I was being interviewed by police and trying to digest that my husband had been accused of rape. How's that for a "first experience from hell" story?

[angeel 15]

Hi daddys girl. Seems to be there was many nightmare qualities here that you have running around in your head. You need to find some good here to help you work through it.I know that it is hard to do. But go back over this thread re-read what you have responded to other advice. Seem to me you are really understanding the event of the night a little better. I know it does not make it easier to swallow and accept. Go back to where theis "strange woman" was trying her best to get to you and dominate you. Your husband came to your defense and said in your words" not like that" Maybe rembering some "rescue words" from your husband that night will make you feel some comfort. Sounds like he knows he shit on you , but does not know how to tell you. some men just can not admit when they were wrong. If he had not pushed you away from the woman in the bar, and gave you more of a change to explore this kiss that transpired, maybe it would have lead to some talking. Then , instead of shoving you a car with her. He could have said," I have a surprise for you, Do you want to do this ?" Fantisies are just that , Fantisies. They usaully have no rules cause they are a product of your imagination. But reality has to have rules, communication, and the chance to say whether you are comfortable, or to just say yes or no. Maybe if you can find a small amount of solace in the fact he put her out the room and told her no about dominating you, and then tell your husband this. Maybe it will open up the conversation about the after math. Sounds like he had a little fantasy in the situation he has not shared with you. After communication, and ground rules. It is possible for a new experience to take place that you will both enjoy.

[Daddy'sGirl 15]

Thanks Angeel. We are working through this situation.We have talked about it until really there is nothing left to say. I know he feels terrible about what happened and we both wish we could go back and undo it,but we can't. At the request of my husband and the advice of people on the board, I've let go of the idea of trying to introduce someone else into our lives right now. He has clearly let me know he isn't ready to do this again and isn't sure he will ever be.

 

To me it feels his denying this experience from me when he has already had it is not fair. It makes me feel like pouting like a spoiled child but, I respect my husband and value my marriage to much to continue to pursue this if he is really opposed to it. (Although I really don't understand what he is opposed to at this point). I also need to sort through my desires to discover my motives which honestly I am unsure of at this time. So for now I am just an observer and gatherer of information.

[JustAskJulie 2,588]

head the advice given.

 

Just because you are in a dom/sub relationship it does not mean he owns or controls you. As the sub you have the power to stop things at anytime if you are uncomfortable. Keep that in mind the next time someone starts trying to push you into situations that you are not comfortable with, there is a safety word there for a reason.

 

I hope you guys can learn from this situation so that it does not occur again.

 

ditto

 

Boy, you folks sure are easy on her husband. I don't think that this episode had much to do with swinging or BDSM or anything more than a man who demonstrated a total lack of respect for the woman he supposedly loves and only sees twice a year. What should have been a rare and special time together turned into pursuit of a target of opportunity.

 

Seems like he has a lot of issues to work through, and so do you. Is counselling at all possible?

 

ditto. I'm sure there would be many others I'd ditto as well, if I wanted to read through 4 pages of posts that most likely say the same thing over and over again to someone who seems to already have their mind set.

 

the D/s component of our relationship does not play a part in this as much of some of you seem to think.

 

Obviously it does, as it seems that you do exactly what he says without any ability or willingness to say no. He basically forced you into a situation that you had no desire to be in and took advantage of it. You did not "start" things by kissing her. Just because you kissed her in no way gives him the right to have sex with her without you being involved in the decision. He basically cheated on you and from the sounds of it walks all over you and you let him. Until you realize that, nothing will change. It sounds like you have a record of letting him do what he wants with your life then feeling bad about it later, if not blaming yourself for it happening - when it's not your fault - other than that you have allowed yourself to be a doormat to him. You have no reason to feel guilty. Only YOU can change your situation.

[intuition897 2,177]

the D/s component of our relationship does not play a part in this as much of some of you seem to think.

 

Obviously it does, as it seems that you do exactly what he says without any ability or willingness to say no. He basically forced you into a situation that you had no desire to be in and took advantage of it. You did not "start" things by kissing her. Just because you kissed her in no way gives him the right to have sex with her without you being involved in the decision. He basically cheated on you and from the sounds of it walks all over you and you let him. Until you realize that, nothing will change. It sounds like you have a record of letting him do what he wants with your life then feeling bad about it later, if not blaming yourself for it happening - when it's not your fault - other than that you have allowed yourself to be a doormat to him. You have no reason to feel guilty. Only YOU can change your situation.

 

I agree with Julie. Even though you made the mistake of kissing her, it was an honest mistake. It just happened. The moment presented itself, your husband was there, he knew about your fantasy, and you improvised. You didn't do it to hurt his feelings. You didn't purposely neglect him. And as soon as he showed his discomfort, you stopped, apologized, and reassured him that it was he who mattered most to you. Not some bimbo at a bar. End of story right?

 

I think I've posted on this thread or another on your situation but I'd like to mention something. While I respect that you choose to live as D/s, and I feel that it can be a healthy expression of love, Julie brings up an interesting point. Being submissive is one thing, as it is choosing to relinquish power to someone you love and trust, who understands the gravity of the gift they've been given. But being a doormat is entirely another. The fact that two people come together, one naturally dominant and the other naturally submissive, does not give either one the right to assume that role. You've said you've been D/s since day one. There was no discussion at all about it. He said, you did. Period. I'm just hoping that you realize that you can take back that power at any time you like. It might even be a good idea to do it for a time so that he knows that your submission is done by choice, not because of weakness of character or a need for guidance. I have almost zero experience in this area, but it would seem to me, given that D/s is not unhealthy in its purest form, that being a submissive doesn't mean you don't still need to be responsible to yourself as a person. Demanding respect for yourself doesn't mean you'd be any less willing to submit to his desires, it just ensures that he understands fully what you've given him as a gift. He has no right to dominate you, only the privilege.

 

Sorry if any of this came across harshly DG, I don't mean to be. It's just MO. And as I said, with what little I do know about this area, best to take it with a grain of salt.

[TeamSoBe 36]

I'll agree with the general consensus that Daddy'sGirl and her Daddy probably shouldn't go out and find themselves another threesome this week or anything, but I still disagree with a big part of the advice that everybody is giving here. People are advising Daddy'sGirl to suppress her desire to even the score, while at the same time advising her not to be a doormat to a dominant man. Contradiction.

 

The reason why they shouldn't be swinging right now is limited only to the fact that they don't agree on what their goals and boundaries are. Daddy'sGirl wanting some fun of her own as 'revenge' is not the terrible thing as a lot of people here make it out to be. If he got to go to Disney Land and she was jealous that she didn't, then nobody would fault her for communicating to her husband that she wants a trip to Disney Land too. How are they supposed to communicate and grow if she's not allowed to discuss the one thing that's bothering her the most? When I was in her situation the biggest thing that got me past it was finally admitting to my woman that I felt ripped off and that I wanted some fun too. We made that happen and I felt much better. In our case we did have a mutual agreement on goals and boundaries to begin with so we were slightly further along, but not much.

 

Daddy'sGirl, you ever go to a strip club with your man? The women at a strip club are under your complete control so there's no need to be jealous. Your man can dominate you by picking girls to lap dance you. You can tell him in advance that you want all of the dances and he can just watch since it's your turn, then he can feel free to dominate you under those rules. The other men in the club are under the control of the bouncers and your husband doesn't need to be jealous of them. It's a safe way for you to get some girl sex action and not feel totally left out of the fun adventures.

[twoplayful2 16]

Telling her not to be a doormat, to stand up for herself in the future, but advising her not to seek revenge is hardly a contradiction. If the problem is that you didn't get any and feel like you were cheated out of some fun then it seems pretty reasonable to work towards getting some of that fun. But if the problem was the feeling of betrayal, you either feel your SO isn't really being honest about being sorry or about the possibility of doing it again, in which case you leave him/her, or you do believe them and you forgive them and move on together. Anyway, if you're going to "even the score" in a situation like this then you need a serious surprise betrayal that the SO didn't expect and actually feels betrayed by, not some planned out thing between the two of them. But this evening the score thing could be applied to every mistake a married couple makes and you'd be going back and forth with every little thing, doesn't sound like a healthy game plan to me.

[TeamSoBe 36]

Anyway, if you're going to "even the score" in a situation like this then you need a serious surprise betrayal that the SO didn't expect and actually feels betrayed by, not some planned out thing between the two of them.

True, but all of her talk of getting even has been in the context of her having some fun for herself, rather than her hurting him out of spite. So I think it's perfectly healthy.

[Britcouple 15]

Sorry for you Daddy,s girl and all that you have experienced , having read through all the replies there is nothing of importance i could add that has not already been said other than you are surrounded by some loving caring people that will help you deal with your experience , and you need to take some credit as well for being so open an honest.

 

Good Luck xxx

[Daddy'sGirl 15]

twoplayful2 said:

If the problem is that you didn't get any and feel like you were cheated out of some fun then it seems pretty reasonable to work towards getting some of that fun.

 

This is how I am feeling. At least on my most conscious level.I mean Pandora's box has already been opened. We have experienced the worst case scenario possible. We have opened the door so now why should I be allowed to walk through it? That's how I feel about it.

[Daddy'sGirl 15]

TeamSoBe said:

Daddy'sGirl, you ever go to a strip club with your man? The women at a strip club are under your complete control so there's no need to be jealous. Your man can dominate you by picking girls to lap dance you. You can tell him in advance that you want all of the dances and he can just watch since it's your turn, then he can feel free to dominate you under those rules. The other men in the club are under the control of the bouncers and your husband doesn't need to be jealous of them. It's a safe way for you to get some girl sex action and not feel totally left out of the fun adventures.

 

Yes we have gone several times. Maybe you are right this could be a mild way to get some of what I feel I am missing. And your example of Disney is so spot on! I feel like ok somehow we stumbled into the amusement park. We bought our tickets and stood in line, but only he got to ride. I realize the "ride" made Him a bit sick and maybe he would want to sit down for awhile and let his stomach settle down. But why should he drag Me out of the park now? I mean for God's sake we are already here! ~pouts and whines~

[Daddy'sGirl 15]

Just to clarify. Ok yes, I am in a D/s relationship. I have found some to be a bit critical of that sort of power exchange in general and as it relates to swinging.

 

Now I understand that D/s isn't for everyone but neither is sharing one's spouse sexually. The relationship my husband and I share isn't what some may be picturing. I don't walk around in a leash and collar and I am not chained to the bed (well not all the time ). I have my own mind and my own thoughts. He asks me for advice, my opinions and cares about my desires (most of the time). Our relationship is more like the traditional marriage model where the man is the head of the family and although he wants to please me and frequently defers to me, his is the final word. Again that may not work for everyone but it works for us.

 

My submission to Him is far more formal than his Dominance of me if that makes sense. I have been in D/s relationships before and have explored my limits and boundaries and fantasies. He is just a very Dominant male. So I agree with the advice that was given that perhaps I have willfully given over more of my power than He can handle. I agree that I need to take some of it back especially as it relates to "swinging".

 

I just wanted to clarify for the thread that I am not a doormat. I am intelligent and articulate and a strong woman who chooses to submit to an even stronger man. My husband loves my brain as well as my obedience and the last thing he would want is a mindless robot who says nothing but "Yes Master". Things went horribly wrong that night, weird and potent combinations of miscommunication, mixed signals, liquor, desire and yes to some extent D/s but that is just the minor part. My husband does not feel he had the right to do any of those things and he has stepped up to the plate and admitted his fault in this and begged me to forgive Him.

 

As we move on from this "experience" we are also re-evaluating the nature of our relationship. But for the record I do enjoy submitting to my Husband. Pleasing Him gives me so much pleasure. Having his guidance keeps me on my feet and in return he pleases and loves me right back. I have freely shared all of the phases of acceptance and forgiveness one goes through when they have been wronged, each level less intense then the other until finally true healing has occurred.

 

I thank You all for your thoughts and opinions through this process.

[Sunswept 160]

Hi Daddy'sGirl,

Seems to me you have been learning a lot! And as you know, I am not critical at all of people that want to have a D/s relationship, have done that myself although that was a while back, and I do understand. You know, as I look at what happened to you two...it was not swinging.. it can be better thought of as a type of D/s scene, one that went wrong. There is a large BDSM community here where I live, and within that community, sex with others is really not thought of as swinging.. it is a BDSM "scene" that includes other people. Your "Dom" chose the "scene", chose the play partner, and set up the whole scene. BUT something was absent. Usually even in those types of BDSM scenes, the people involved set up safe words, "negotiate" the scene up front, etc. Sort of like what happens in swinging. But that did not happen in your case.

 

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....My submission to Him is far more formal than his Dominance of me if that makes sense. I have been in D/s relationships before and have explored my limits and boundaries and fantasies. He is just a very Dominant male. So I agree with the advice that was given that perhaps I have willfully given over more of my power than He can handle. I agree that I need to take some of it back especially as it relates to "swinging".

 

Yes, I had this feeling your submission to your D is far more formal than his Dominance to you. You have been in D/s relationship before, but it seems that although your D is naturally dominant, he is not experienced, and I get the impression he has no or little formal understanding of D/s... he really needs to get up to speed.. even for the D/s thing to work you two in the long run. After you get the dynamics of your D/s relationship more balanced, and you husband gets a more formal introduction to being Dom, then maybe you can go to on to sex with others. But I am wondering if sex with others within D/s scenes is a better fit for you two rather than swinging.. they are two different things!

 

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I just wanted to clarify for the thread that I am not a doormat. I am intelligent and articulate and a strong woman wo chooses to submit to an even stronger man..

Ummmm... you know, it seems to me you are already emotionally far stronger than your husband, and I say that not to take anything from him. He may be very strong in many areas of life... but it seems to me he is over his head with the power you have given him. And that your pouting, annoyance and impatience with him is an expression of you wanting to take some power back. Think of it this way, you are disappointed in him because you were/are willing to give him the power to make your "scene" happen for you, and he does not know how..and he is not emotionally ready! You are becoming aware of his limitations as a Dom! And I am thinking you are a position of having to "train" your Dom! Just because someone has a dominant personality... it does not make them a Dom! See what I am getting at here?

 

There seems to be a misunderstanding of D/s ...on his part... in your relationship. So work on this, forget about swinging. Instead of thinking about strip clubs, or swing clubs... check into places like we have here in Seattle.

 

Put the sex with other people way on the back burner and you two work on your D/s relationship first. Also you might want to check out the threads below on this site, they deal with BDSM and swinging... you may get an insight into why BDSM and swinging is not such a great fit, even though they share many similarities and common skill sets.

 

Can you separate BDSM and Swinging?

 

List of threads about BDSM

 

Daddy'sGirl, let go of the idea "he got his".. He did not! He messed up his own scene as much as he messed up yours... jeez, it ended with him having to GIVE HIS POWER over to the cops! Not a strong thing IMHO. It was an amateur mistake.. your role it is that you gave him more power than he knows how to deal with.

 

I really hope you guys can work all this all out!

[Daddy'sGirl 15]

Daddy'sGirl, let go of the idea "he got his".. He did not! He messed up his own scene as much as he messed up yours... jeez, it ended with him having to GIVE HIS POWER over to the cops! Not a strong thing IMHO. It was an amature mistake.. your role it is that you gave him more power than he knows how to deal with.

 

I really hope you guys can work all this all out!

YOu know sunswept I have been very encouraged by all of your posts and especially this one.Its too bad I didnt come to this board before ,my hubby is stationed very near Seattle~Yes yes yes you are right,I think thats more what was happening.And actually he gave up his power before the police arrived because the woman went psycho Domme on Him .Telling Him He was too weak to handle me and that she would take me from Him.It is coming into more into focus now.Thanks a bunch sunswept!