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Tadahiko

Poly Triad calling it quits after 20 years.

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I feel kind of foolish posting this after bragging so much about how strong and functional our poly threesome is (was)...but it's for that very reason that I owe SB people an update:

 

Anna, Kari and I are all going our separate ways.

 

Anna and I recently learned that my wife Kari has been having an outside relationship in secret, keeping it from her best friend/committed lover as well as her husband for over two years. During that two years, the two of us blissfully ignored the obvious signs that she was cheating. My wife even told me that she was lesbian, not bisexual, and she no longer wanted me to penetrate her or have one-on-one sex together. I was enough of a sap to agree to her terms. When my wife eventually brought the other woman into our sexual circle as a playmate, she out-and-out lied and the woman play-acted that she was a "bi-curious" platonic friend. The truth only came out when the "other woman" confessed to Anna to relieve her own guilty feelings.

 

Anna told me and when the two of us confronted her, Kari cried and cried, but in the end decided that she doesn't want anybody, even the two people who've cared about her most, to have any claim over her body or, more importantly in her view, her mind. She even said it was our fault for making her feel guilty for who she needs to be. If she'd wanted to openly pursue other sex partners -- WITHOUT lying and cheating -- I would have easily let her, rather than end the relationship, and so would Anna. But in her heart, Kari feels like she doesn't need to ask for forgiveness. I can't share my life openly with somebody who won't promise to share just as openly in return.

 

While I'm deeply hurt, Anna is devastated. Anna and Kari had been inseparable since middle school. We were talking about having her move into our home, now she's too hurt to even come over. Even more heartbreaking is what this is doing to MY relationship with Anna. Wven though the two of us are still deeply in love, to try and go on together without Kari would be just too strange to consider. Kari was always the "queen bee" among us, and she'd be a painful phantom partner even in her absence. We're talking it through and processing it together, and we've comforted each other in bed several times, but Anna and I ultimately have decided we both need to "grow on" to something totally new.

 

I've had a standing offer from my employer to move up the ranks, but only if I was willing to relocate to another city. Up until now, I haven't been willing to move because I thought it would leave Anna in an awkward position of leaving her whole life for us or choosing to sever things. Now that Kari's deceit has severed everything, I'm going. My daughter will be staying with her mother, which nobody is crazy about, even Kari, but she's in the middle of high school and it wouldn't be fair to uproot her now. The good news is that I will be close to the military base where my son is currently serving.

 

I said several times on this board that having to loving women to share my life with made me the luckiest guy in the world. I guess that sooner or later everybody's luck runs out.

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This just shows that infidelity can happen in ANY kind of relationship, swinging, poly or vanilla. I am really sorry to hear this.:(

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I don't know that it was luck that ran out.

 

I'm very sorry for all of you, even Kari. Such situations are never good, and there's always so much more than can be put to words.

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I feel kind of foolish posting this after bragging so much about how strong and functional our poly threesome is (was)...but it's for that very reason that I owe SB people an update:

 

In a former life, I was in a marriage that I thought was a perfect one. I often bragged about how good it was as well, until the day she walked out on me. So, I kind of understand your pain, and the feeling of foolishness.

 

All I can tell you is what a good friend told me way back then in my darkest moments: "Hang in there, because it DOES get better". So, I did, and you know, he was right. In time, it did get better. A hell of a lot better. :)

 

We wish you the best going forward.

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Being you were in the only stable form of poly and its coming to an end not due to internal issues but intrinsic ones, I think you just have to feel lucky you had what you did, knowing that so many traditional marriages never make the 20 year mark.

 

What I find sad is that this also will end your relationship with Anna.

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I'm so sorry. :(

 

You don't need to feel foolish. You managed to have a long, and mostly fulfilling, relationship, with not one, but two women. Few these days can say they've had 20 years with any one. That's an accomplishment. And even the end of that isn't a failure.

 

I'm truly sorry that your relationship with Anna is ending as well.

 

Vol

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I agree with gator. I wouldn't call it a failure. 20 years is a damn long time. The only reason any of us utter the words "till death to us part" is we know there's an expiration date on that promise. No two or three people could stay together indefinitely. I intend to last the rest of my life with Natasha.... but if we lived to be 300 it might be a different story. ;) I once read a great science fiction story with a premise like that... lovers who had been married for centuries and had grown apart, only to fall in love all over again after so long. But it drove home the point that we simply aren't built for an eternal relationship.

 

The circumstances are regrettable, but it sounds like they were mostly beyond your control. People grow apart. The next couple of years will be painful as you adjust, but you will, and life will go on, and you will find someone else to love and to love you. Treasure what you had but look to the future.

 

It is the way things work. Good luck.

 

PS I in no way mean to dismiss your pain, or say that it's irrelevant in any way. Having been through breakups and even a divorce, I know how much it sucks the life out of you. But truer words have never been spoken than "This too shall pass".

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You shouldn't feel foolish. Relationships are nothing if not fluid. They all change, some for the better, some for the worst. Some converge and some diverge. But they all change. There are new and exciting things awaiting you now. Seize them and have a good time with your new life.

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Just a quick update: Anna and I have been talking constantly, and we just made plans to go on a Caribbean sailboat cruise together this winter. We might just stick together after all. I still went through with the move, so it's all a big "if" at this point, but we'll see how it goes.

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Just a quick update: Anna and I have been talking constantly, and we just made plans to go on a Caribbean sailboat cruise together this winter. We might just stick together after all. I still went through with the move, so it's all a big "if" at this point, but we'll see how it goes.
I really hope this works out for you, Dude.

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My marriage of 14 years ended in a divorce some years ago. I don't consider it a failure, and I don't think you should consider your relationship a failure. People and circumstances change. According to the Buddhists, resisting that fundamental truth is the source of our misery.

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I'm so sorry to hear that things have fallen apart for the three of you. There is no reason to feel foolish for being happy with what was a wonderful relationship with these two women. Enjoy what you had, grieve for what you've lost, and make new memories.

 

Hugs,

 

Sweet

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I'm so sorry to hear that things have fallen apart for the three of you. There is no reason to feel foolish for being happy with what was a wonderful relationship with these two women. Enjoy what you had, grieve for what you've lost, and make new memories.

 

Hugs,

 

Sweet

This is really good advice. You had a great experience with these two ladies, so go out and find somebody new to make a new relationship with.

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Yes, it is. That's intentional. We think it's healthier to get past the sting of our recent experience individually and each get comfortable standing on our own two feet for a while before we assess what relationship there is (or should be, or should be) between us. We don't want to define our interactions together as a twosome based on "crisis mode" circumstances. Besides, we both think such a fun and memorable time together would be a lot MORE fun and give us a little BETTER memories a little further down the line.

 

I think that's wise. Sometimes in the middle of crisis we try to cling to the things that make us comfortable...and while these things give us comfort some people don't always adjust within themselves. If that makes sense.

 

My ex and I ended our 10 yr marraige this last year. It was heartbreaking and devastating. Thru it, I discovered many of my "friends" were really "his friends". There were times I felt so alone. But honestly, I came thru it a different person, and I realized something very important. It is not the people in my life who define me, nor did they comfort me. I found strength and power within myself, got back up on my feet, dusted myself off, and found myself again...something I had lost during the course of my marraige.

 

When I found my new SO, I was ready for him, much sooner than others thought I should be.

 

Take this time to self reflect, evaluate, change anything you feel needs it, and find your inner strength. Things work themselves out as they should.

 

I wish you all the best.

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This is such a sad post and I am sorry to hear that things have ended this way for you. Please keep up posted on how everything pans out in the future.

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Since several people said they wanted me to keep this thread updated, I want to let you know that Anna and I DID spend Thanksgiving week sailing from Cancun to Roatan island, off the coast of Honduras. It couldn't have been better for us as individuals, as a couple, or simply as pleasure-seeking humans.

 

Anna has lost almost 20 pounds since my ex-wife broke up our threesome, and lightened and shortened her hair. We text, phone or skype at least every couple of days, so I thought I knew what to expect, but ohhhh man, nothing could have prepared me for seeing her in person. I've always thought she was sexy looking, but SCHWING! Even fully dressed, what a hot, curvy mama! We're talkin' MILF to the MAX! I wanted to lay her right there at the airport gate, but we managed to wait until we got back to the hotel. It was physically sexy and emotionally comforting, excitingly fresh and familiar at the same time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.

 

The next day, we and four other couples set sail with Captain Bernardo and his wife Evie on their 21-meter ketch. The trip was mind-blowingly erotic. It was officially described as just "clothing optional, couples only" but we knew from my best friend, who had sailed with them previously, that this was a descreet understatement. Not only did all the passengers start getting naked immediately, and remain so nearly the whole time (except for cool mornings and several periods of light rain), but there was lots of sexy behavior, including couples fucking openly on deck (yes, including us) and a designated "orgy cabin" down below (we mostly just popped in to watch and visit). We were even treated to some naughty behavior by the crew!

 

But as wonderful as the sex was, this trip was about much more than that. Even though she looked like a whole different girl, Anna and I discovered that we are as comfortable with each other as we ever have been, perhaps more. We talked a lot about where the break-up has brought us, what it has taught us, where we want to be, and what role we want each other to play in our lives. The final result is that by the time we split up in the Houston airport, we'd made plans for Anna to come stay with me after the first of the year...to start a job search here. We're not sure what our relationship is going to be (friends? lovers? housemates? partners? ...maybe even spouses?) But we know we want to be together.

 

I have to go get ready for work now! I've spent too long writing this, and I woke up late to start with...because I stayed up too late watching Anna play with her pussy on Skype. Welp, I think it's safe for me to start calling myself "the luckiest guy in the world" again!

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That is good news, Tadahiko! I hope your life with Anna keeps getting better and better. Y'all seem to be on the right track!

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Further update: Anna is now living with me. We've decided to have an informal commitment ceremony and exchange rings. All three of our children will be there. We extended an invitation to our ex as a peace gesture, but she has not decided if she can/wants to make the trip. As for sex, we had a couple of threesomes with a friend of mine, and she and Anna had one "girl's only" overnight romp, but sharing each other doesn't feel as right as it had in the past. We're really into each emotionally right now and we want to give this thing we've got going on the best chance possible. So, after talking it over at length, we're going to give plain old monogamy an extended trial...something neither of us has had an urge to do before. Go figure. Must be true love.

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Good on ya mate!! Sometimes it's all about trying something new.. even if it's turning the clock back.. Sounds like you're a couple of happy folks!! Congrats, and welcome to the club.

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WOW....I wasn't expecting to read something so wonderful come out of such a gut wrenching time for three people. Good on you OP and here's to your future with Anna. :-)

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I can't believe it has been 2-1/2 YEARS since I last logged onto this site. I will update things in case anyone is still interested, but unfortunately there is nothing sexy about the story to tell. Anna came down with what we thought was a lingering cold or bronchitis in the fall of 2012, but which developed into a constant cough and shortness of breath by the first of the year. She was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer in late January 2013. This was despite only smoking for a couple of years as a teenager (although she did grow up in a house with parents who smoked.) The next ten months were a hell I don't think I could endure again in this life. Anna passed away a week before Thanksgiving last year. She fought incredibly hard, and never was anything other than the gentle, loving soul she always was, even when she was in pain and facing death. Her last words to me were "I'm fine, you get some rest." What a classy lady.

 

Just to close out the history of our triad, Kari did come visit us twice during Anna's cancer battle, once with her partner. Anna and Kari reconciled for the most part, but Anna said to me after her last visit with Kari that while she no longer felt angry or hurt, she was still totally bewildered how the Kari we knew so intimately for so long could suddenly change into such a completely different person.

 

Kari and her partner moved to the Space Coast region in Florida and after Anna's funeral they invited me, our two kids and Anna's daughter down for Christmas. It was a very kind, truly needed gesture. We spent a week together down there as a family and as hard as it was to celebrate the holidays without Anna, being with those who knew and loved us most helped me get through it. Kari and I had a couple of long, late-night private conversations and were able to really reconnect and build a solid, positive new connection. She apologized for the way she treated Anna and me. Kari did truly love Anna, and she and I still love each other deeply. We're just not partners or lovers anymore.

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Tadahiko, I'm so saddened to hear about Anna, but thank you for keeping your thread updated and it is very heartening to hear that you and Kari were able to rebuild a bridge that seemed to be too burned to be rebuilt.

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Well, quite frankly, I am a little lost right now. I lived a fairytale life until 40. Then over the last four years life has jerked me around in so many painful, unexpected ups and downs that I am not sure I will ever know which way is up. Before this year, I had only lived on my own for a total of a few months my entire life. God, it's lonely. I've always had family members, lovers, roommates there, sharing my home. I am very fearful that the stormy seas I've gone through have spit me out on the shores of a deserted island, and I will grow old as a lonely man who went through his lifetime allocation of love, sex and adventure in double portions, only to have it run out halfway through.

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I know the future looks scary right now but that's only because you are now exploring unknown territory. Perhaps after you take some time to grieve and find your bearings, you can use your time to explore interests that you put away long time ago. You never know if those avenues will lead you to new experiences and new people.

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This is going to sound incredibly arrogant, but I'll say it anyway. I've never had to go without sex, well not since I was a high school student. My only previous period of celibacy was six months I spent overseas, knowing I had two deliciously sexy females to come home to. I have always had lips to kiss, breasts to fondle, waists to hold, hair to bury my nose in. Now, nothing. Even my kids and my parents are several states away. I have developed some wonderful friendships, but they are the guarded, measured, totally nonsexual vanilla friendships I swore I'd never have.

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Why is that arrogant? Your own statement tells me you are missing the closeness, not just the sex. You miss intimacy... human touch. Nothing arrogant about that. You are grieving a profound loss and you are jaded and unsure, I think we can all understand and empathize.

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I know there are many, many people (maybe MOST people) who long deeply for intimacy they don't have. It feels arrogant to be so surprised at the realization that I am one of them.

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I know there are many, many people (maybe MOST people) who long deeply for intimacy they don't have. It feels arrogant to be so surprised at the realization that I am one of them.

 

“What you have to decide... is how you want your life to be. If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you'd want to have spent it? Listen, the truth is, nothing is guaranteed. You know that more than anybody. So dont be afraid. Be alive.”

― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever ~~~ the book wasn't that great, but I love the quote.

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Perhaps after you take some time to grieve and find your bearings, you can use your time to explore interests that you put away long time ago.

 

I haven't ridden a motorcycle since I sold mine over ten years ago. Part of me would love to get another bike and just take off and just ride around exploring nomadically. Oh wait, I work for a living. Scratch that idea.

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So happy for you, Tadahiko! Thanks for always coming back to give us an update on how you've been doing. :)

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