Taking a break, awkward with swinger friends.

[njbm 2,728]

No surprise. We have been taking a break from swinging for awhile. We have swinging partners who we regarded as friends, but as time goes on, if we are not going to play, these couples are not interested in us as friends. They say they are, but we get radio silence. I guess it’s to be expected. 

[goku714 30]

55 minutes ago, njbm said:

No surprise. We have been taking a break from swinging for awhile. We have swinging partners who we regarded as friends, but as time goes on, if we are not going to play, these couples are not interested in us as friends. They say they are, but we get radio silence. I guess it’s to be expected. 

 

I'm sorry you had to experience that & hopefully you and your wife are doing well 🙏🏾

[TeamCalgary 161]

njbm, very sorry to hear of this. 

 

What we (my wife and I, as a couple) frequently forget is that the LS encompasses such a broad swath of territory.

We also make the (mistaken) assumption that every couple we meet feels the same we do and shares our likes, dislikes, direction, goals, etc.

Time has repeatedly proven us wrong in that thinking. 

Couple this is the dynamicism (sp) of the relationships involved (within couples and between couples) and it's amazing actually that 

anyone actually ever meets and ever gains a modicum of satisfaction. 

 

It is to be expected, as you say. 

[robaval 217]

Since COVID 19 hit in early 2020, we also took a break.  Our break actually started when  a couple of couples in our fairly small and pretty much closed group of swing friends started having problems with HPV.    This definitely has caused some serious problems for all.    We started doing checkups every 6 months, went to watch and be watched only and not even a hint of soft swing either.  After nearly 3 years we both went back to yearly checkups.   I got the original HPV Vaccine when they came out (I am a youngun I guess) .  Robb and I both got the newest HPV vaccines on our dermatologist's recommendation regarding some skin cancer spots we both had removed.   Insurance wouldn't  pay for the vaccines (three shot series) for us older folks.  Unless some cure comes up for HPV, we will just continue to watch and be watched, which has definitely shown us which  of our swing friends were actually friends and which were not.  Julie and Robb

[PeterJ 826]

3 hours ago, njbm said:

No surprise. We have been taking a break from swinging for awhile. We have swinging partners who we regarded as friends, but as time goes on, if we are not going to play, these couples are not interested in us as friends. They say they are, but we get radio silence. I guess it’s to be expected. 

Perhaps not surprising, njbm, but I’m sure still a bit disappointing. You and your wife would like to think there were aspects of your relationships with swinger friends that would be sufficient for those friendships to endure even absent the sexual component. Alas…🙁

 

My personal observation is that this phenomenon is not restricted to swinging friendships. I have friendships that go back more than 50 years to grad school, undergraduate and even high school. These friendships are broad-based and we have a long mutual history. I expect these folks will be friends until we die (which frankly is happening all too often to both vanilla and lifestyle friends.) However, in the case of friendships that developed in a specific context — business, participant sports or cultural activities — when that focal point is lost because that specific connection is broken for them or for me, with only a few exceptions the friendship fades. It’s not that there’s anything negative; the valence of the other positive adpects of the relationship aren’t sufficient to keep it going. 

[lcmim 1,008]

What Peterj said.

and

When you couple that with what a powerful bonding agent sex is this is not unusual.

I am guessing that being besties with an ex spouse is about even with LS friends whose relationships is not altered somewhat. This is understandable.

The LS isn't marriage, but there are some comparable factors. How many marriages falter if sex suddenly ceases?

 

It still sucks though.

[Numex 2,175]

6 hours ago, njbm said:

We have swinging partners who we regarded as friends, but as time goes on, if we are not going to play, these couples are not interested in us as friends.

In my opinion, this is the result of the philosophy of making friends of swingers, not swingers of friends.  Not that it isn't a valid approach, but is one of the downsides of not being friends first.

[njbm 2,728]

6 hours ago, robaval said:

Since COVID 19 hit in early 2020, we also took a break.  Our break actually started when  a couple of couples in our fairly small and pretty much closed group of swing friends started having problems with HPV.    This definitely has caused some serious problems for all.    We started doing checkups every 6 months, went to watch and be watched only and not even a hint of soft swing either.  After nearly 3 years we both went back to yearly checkups.   I got the original HPV Vaccine when they came out (I am a youngun I guess) .  Robb and I both got the newest HPV vaccines on our dermatologist's recommendation regarding some skin cancer spots we both had removed.   Insurance wouldn't  pay for the vaccines (three shot series) for us older folks.  Unless some cure comes up for HPV, we will just continue to watch and be watched, which has definitely shown us which  of our swing friends were actually friends and which were not.  Julie and Robb

Not to be a downer, but we have four female friends who had hysterectomies due to persistent HPV infections. We are over the recommended age for HPV vaccines, but I have thought about getting them if we intend to resume operations. 

[Fundamental Law 2,817]

14 hours ago, njbm said:

Not to be a downer, but we have four female friends who had hysterectomies due to persistent HPV infections. We are over the recommended age for HPV vaccines, but I have thought about getting them if we intend to resume operations. 

Connecting the dots for those who may be less medically aware...

Years ago, the standard way to screen for cervical cancer was the Papanicolaou ("Pap") smear. With the recognition that most cervical cancers were related to HPV infection, contemporary screening for cervical cancer increasingly relies on detection of (persistent) HPV infection. Hysterectomy is performed not to "clear the infection" but rather because persistent HPV infection is taken as a signal of early cervical cancer. 

 

See, for more info, https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/infectious-agents/hpv-and-cancer

 

[PeterJ 826]

1 hour ago, Fundamental Law said:

Connecting the dots for those who may be less medically aware...

Years ago, the standard way to screen for cervical cancer was the Papanicolaou ("Pap") smear. With the recognition that most cervical cancers were related to HPV infection, contemporary screening for cervical cancer increasingly relies on detection of (persistent) HPV infection. Hysterectomy is performed not to "clear the infection" but rather because persistent HPV infection is taken as a signal of early cervical cancer. 

 

See, for more info, https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/infectious-agents/hpv-and-cancer

 

FL, as a medical professional perhaps you can clarify for me a related issue. My understanding is that prior to the advent of the HPV vaccine virtually all sexually active individuals, female and male, reasonably quickly became exposed to the HPV virus. And most people cleared the infection without complications. My further understanding is that the ubiquity of prior infection and the immunity that provided from re-infection is the reason that vaccination was only recommended for adolescent females. 
 

In your opinion is there any benefit from vaccination for older individuals who are sexually active with multiple partners, such as is the case with members of this board?

[Fundamental Law 2,817]

15 minutes ago, PeterJ said:

FL, as a medical professional perhaps you can clarify for me a related issue. My understanding is that prior to the advent of the HPV vaccine virtually all sexually active individuals, female and male, reasonably quickly became exposed to the HPV virus. And most people cleared the infection without complications. My further understanding is that the ubiquity of prior infection and the immunity that provided from re-infection is the reason that vaccination was only recommended for adolescent females. 
 

In your opinion is there any benefit from vaccination for older individuals who are sexually active with multiple partners, such as is the case with members of this board?

Thank you for this important question. Bear in mind-this is a data-free zone. There are, to my knowledge, no reliable data on the effectiveness of the vaccine in persons in our age cohort. 

 

For those on the board 45 years of age and younger, there are data supporting the effectiveness of HPV vaccine. If you are in the LS, or otherwise have multiple partners, or your partner has other partners, the evidence suggests that vaccination is wise. 

 

HPV vaccines are not licensed for use in adults aged >45 y. The thinking is that by this age, exposure is likely already there, immunity is there and so on.

 

The problem with the logic is that it assumes that exposure to other serotypes, re-exposure, and so on are consonant with the general population >age 45. For those in the LS, that assumption may not hold. There is an obvious need to do a randomized, controlled trial. The barriers to such a trial are self-evident. First, most people in the LS choose to conceal their participation, even from their personal physicians. Second, the manufacturer is unlikely to see a profitable market in the indication for age>45, and therefore will only see downside risk and cost. 

 

The best answer to your question is likely " speak with your healthcare provider". I doubt you will find (m)any willing to consider it for your/my/our age group. 

 

Now, data-free zone. If you are on this board and you (and/or your partners) are 45 years of age or younger, run (do not walk) and get the vaccine. If you are 46-55, have the conversation with your healthcare provider, discuss off-label use, and be prepared to pay the full cost of the vaccine. 56+, I think it will be hard to persuade anyone that you should get the vaccine. 

 

Finally, consider your adult children. If they escaped the initial series--and this is common especially among males 35-45--have a conversation with them about the HPV vaccine. It's irrelevant whether they are in the LS; the likelihood that they will have no other sex partners in their lifetime is not zero. Even if they are monogamous and happily married. Encourage them to speak to their healthcare provider. It might be a lifesaving conversation. 

 

[NYirCPL 38]

On 3/19/2023 at 10:42 AM, njbm said:

No surprise. We have been taking a break from swinging for awhile. We have swinging partners who we regarded as friends, but as time goes on, if we are not going to play, these couples are not interested in us as friends. They say they are, but we get radio silence. I guess it’s to be expected. 

Totally get what you mean.  We've been on a break for several months and with only a couple of exceptions, most of our friends have been pretty quiet. 

 

We lead excessively busy lives and probably couldn't schedule much right now if were weren't on a break, but even ignoring sex, the lack of fun daily texts and banter with LS friends has life feeling kind of dull.