Friend from past a Swinger

[BillyandDebbie 289]

We have been on a swinger site looking to meet a like couple close but not too close to us. We have decided that Deb would go through profiles then share with me interesting people before reaching out with a message. 

Last night she called out to me very excited that she found an old boyfriend from before she knew me, and his wife lives about an hour from us. 

I have two questions:

Do people ever see people they know on swinger sites and how do you deal with it?

An old boyfriend? Tell me I shouldn’t care. 

So far I said hold off contacting. As far as appearance and profile I would normally give a 👍🏼

[njbm 2,728]

1. Yes, you run into people from vanilla life. We don’t tell anyone they are swingers 

2. I would not play with a former girl friend. I would not want my wife to play with a former bf. I doubt that she would want to do so. There are billions of people with no attachments or history.  That is part of the fun. No reruns. 

 

[Aphroditee 323]

I still have sex with a couple of my ex's..  every night I return to my husband.  You gotta trust your wife.  

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

We would never play with a past ex from either of us. There previously were too many emotions there to take the chance of having them surface (especially in the ex) again. Always move forward, never go back.

[ROCKlandCpl 436]

We had sex with strangers that we met online not anyone either of us knew before we met them. I don’t know if I would agree to meet someone Rocky had dated before I met him. Let’s be honest we all dated before we met The One. We all had sex before we married. This post made me think, is there anyone I had sex with I would want to again. I did date someone or two or more that sex was horrible. I had one nighters I wish went longer. I can’t remember any boyfriend that I broke up because of sex. Being an idiot or abusive or just growing apart were reasons, not bad sex. 
You sound like you and your wife are open for a talk. Unless her breakup was traumatic she most likely won’t remember the reason she stopped dating him. Ask her if the sex was memorable. Then ask what does she think about meeting again. 
Now ask yourself, are you jealous? How do you think the other wife feels about this. She may not want to meet for the same doubts you have. 
Sex aside, how will you act when they reminisce. I once went to Rocky’s reunion and felt like an outsider. They something in common and I didn’t know what they were talking about. 
These people are strangers to you and I’m thinking strangers to your wife. Some commonality is a good thing if you make it a good thing. They are swingers, new or seasoned you don’t know yet. 
Have the honest talk and decide together. Only if you both can agree should you go forward. 

[BillyandDebbie 289]

We are learning. When you look at a profile it lets the people know you looked. He has reached out to us with a message that was surprised we lived near and would like to get together. I liked that it was a nonsexual message, more an old friend finding someone on a social site. 

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

The cat's out of the bag, so to speak, now.

 

There are potential complications in your wife having sex with an old boyfriend. Will it uncork and reinvigorate past emotions? How would you respond to that? Are you averse to emotions developing between play partners for either of you? How would you feel if your wife's ex started expressing those emotions towards her? Would it be different than hearing emotions being expressed by a non-ex boyfriend play partner? Is it worth it for her to play with him? Was the sex incredible with him and they broke up for other reasons? Was the breakup amicable, or was it nasty? If it was nasty, could that complicate things?

 

I'm scratching the surface at potential variables here that need to be considered...variables that aren't in play if you get together with swingers who are new to you.

 

One variable that is already in the past; they know you and you know them (through your wife, of course). What you choose to do with that situation is up to you and your wife. But, as ROCKlandCpl said, make sure you're both in agreement.

 

For our parts; my wife and I both have long ago exes with whom we are still in touch and close. We both have 'passes', if you will, to play with them if the opportunity arises. We discussed it at length before deciding on that. In her case, it's unlikely to happen; her ex is married, and since swingers constitute only a small % of the population, it's unlikely they are swingers. In my case, my ex is single, is aware that we have an open marriage and that my wife has given specific permission to play with her; she even heard it from my wife directly. That was years ago. She declined then, and I don't think it's likely she'll change her mind. We remain close. We decided to go this route since both of us had amicable breakups with these two people, and because we remain close to them. It wouldn't be much of a shift to have sex with them again, and we're comfortable with the idea of deeper emotions developing if they did.

 

Your mileage may vary. Consider wisely. Don't act rashly.

[BillyandDebbie 289]

Uh, I’m not worried about her having feelings for him, I don’t have feelings of love towards ex-girlfriends. I sometimes think about what happened to them, no romantic feelings. I am pretty sure our marriage is strong. It’s not that she was looking for him, he was just on a swinging site. I’m thinking he has more experience, we have the least experience of anyone on that site. 
The more I read the more I want to meet them. First Debbie has to answer his message. 

[cplnluv1 804]

Don’t overthink just think. Friends, strangers, long term, brief, remember this is for fun. Honesty is the real basis of your relationship not worrying that you are going to fall in love with a new partner. If you have any doubts or worries that Debbie is going to rekindle old feelings you should quit now. Take her for dinner and make passionate love to her. There can be no love in swinging friends, just enjoyment physically. It’s nice to relate to people you swing with, enjoy it. Don’t let emotional baggage come in between what you already have. 
Let Debbie make the decision unless you just aren’t comfortable. Talk! If you meet them part of the meeting will be discussing people and places in another lifetime. It will be natural for them to remember, memories fade and both have moved on. 

[Jane1902 476]

I think it would be fun to meet up with them not so much with the goal of playing together but sharing lifestyle experiences. Even if it doesn’t lead to play I’d bet the two of you go home and have a wild time together.

[BillyandDebbie 289]

21 hours ago, Jane1902 said:

I think it would be fun to meet up with them not so much with the goal of playing together but sharing lifestyle experiences. Even if it doesn’t lead to play I’d bet the two of you go home and have a wild time together.

Meeting them will be more fun for Deb, I and the other wife will be outsiders to stories about them. 
Our future in swinging is going to be directed by Debbie. She has to be comfortable with the choices and I will agree or not. My feeling she liked the idea of someone she knows just like the friends we were with. She will look at strangers on the computer and we talk and then she says she thinks it’s easier with known people. 
 

[MidwestHoneys 334]

6 hours ago, BillyandDebbie said:

Meeting them will be more fun for Deb, I and the other wife will be outsiders to stories about them.

You’ll have fun too I bet. Don’t you ever think about your exes? If you saw one on SLS I’m thinking you would contact them. 

[BillyandDebbie 289]

I apologize if I emphasized Boyfriend. Debbie and the man on the swing site dated in college for what I understand was a semester. I think many of us had relationships that were sexual when in school. Her major memories were a few ski weekends and a trip to Maine. At the end of the school year in May they both went home and the contacts were few. 
In the age of social media and constant cell phone call, I lost sight that those only became every day things in the last 20 years. 
He has sent another message acknowledging our reluctance to write back stating it would be nice just to meet at a truly safe place, Starbucks. 
If we did go further, I keep telling Debbie that she looks just like she did in school. I joke he already saw you naked, she joked back, sure he ran away. 

[Roliin75 53]

Personally, I would look elsewhere.  Not worth the potential problems.  I'd be curious to know if this man's wife would be interested...

[TnA83 273]

If it were my decision, I'd go for it.  I am the type that would rather try something and regret it, than never try and always wonder, "what if?"

[BillyandDebbie 289]

Deb has been answering all the messages we got after discussing with me. I think some were horrible matches with people I never would have sex with. I think first impressions in these situations are important. I thought some were interesting and possibly nice to meet. 
Sex with strangers sounds exciting, most of you say that is what swinging is. Stay away from friends, stay away from an ex, both have big downsides. Our first swinging was with friends and after not going forward, hesitating and finally joining in was good, not perfect. Thinking back if it was strangers we never would go forward. Memories change, mine says it was great, Debbie must agree if we joined a swingers group. 
Debbie wrote back to her college friend. She made it clear she has no romantic feelings, she has a curiosity of seeing him as an old friend. Our conversation went to having sex with our old friends was much easier for her because we know them. She thinks sex with him would be easier because she knows him.  I asked if it was my old girlfriend would she think the same way. I made her sleep on that thought. She couldn’t answer. We are still talking. I think I’m on board, she has to decide. 

[TnA83 273]

2 hours ago, BillyandDebbie said:

Sex with strangers sounds exciting, most of you say that is what swinging is. Stay away from friends, stay away from an ex, both have big downsides. Our first swinging was with friends and after not going forward, hesitating and finally joining in was good, not perfect. Thinking back if it was strangers we never would go forward. 

I resist the phrase, "sex with strangers."  I prefer sex with new friends.

[BillyandDebbie 289]

We had a FaceTime with them that went well, so well that he invited me to his golf club. We had a very nice day even if he trounced me. He is fun, non-threatening, a friend possibly. He remembered Debbie like most men would remember someone over twenty years later. Debbie is an old girlfriend and he emphasized he was pleasantly surprised to see her face on a swinger site. Who would have thought he kept saying. The day wasn’t full of sex talk, it was more about us and what brought us to where we live. He realized we are new to any sex play, they are not new. I was waiting for a swing date invite, his invite was way less sexual. Dinner at the club, driving to this pretty town we heard about, nothing threatening or worrisome. I’m much more comfortable after meeting him on a social basis. 

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

4 hours ago, BillyandDebbie said:

We had a FaceTime with them that went well, so well that he invited me to his golf club. We had a very nice day even if he trounced me. He is fun, non-threatening, a friend possibly. He remembered Debbie like most men would remember someone over twenty years later. Debbie is an old girlfriend and he emphasized he was pleasantly surprised to see her face on a swinger site. Who would have thought he kept saying. The day wasn’t full of sex talk, it was more about us and what brought us to where we live. He realized we are new to any sex play, they are not new. I was waiting for a swing date invite, his invite was way less sexual. Dinner at the club, driving to this pretty town we heard about, nothing threatening or worrisome. I’m much more comfortable after meeting him on a social basis. 

Sounds like he is being quite respectful to you, as he should be! Sounds like progress. Keep up us informed We're rooting for you.

[BillyandDebbie 289]

15 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

Sounds like he is being quite respectful to you, as he should be! Sounds like progress. Keep up us informed We're rooting for you.

Very respectful and the ladies were ladylike I heard. There is no reason for rushing into things. My feeling things will progress. 
Thank you for your support, so much of what we read says stay away from friends. I say that it is the only way. 

[lcmim 1,008]

With the right friends it could be good.

The thing that spooks many is that by the time you find out if they are the right friends , you are pretty well committed.

Edited April 16, 2022 by lcmim

[BillyandDebbie 289]

6 minutes ago, lcmim said:

With the right friends it could be good.

The thing that spooks many is that by the time you find out if they are the right friends , you are pretty well committed.

Friends first, they trusted us with their secret. For years we never acted out on that secret then we got to a point in our lives where we said what the heck. They have always been eager to show us the light, or what has been hidden from daylight. 
Now we are eager to see again. 

[Billygoat 405]

We have met many people, most are great friends to this day.  Some have stepped away from the LS but our friendship is still just as strong.  
 

we have had a few Vanilla friends that over the years discovered us….or we them….most times at a swing venue or event.

 

We have also been in attendance when friends and family members bumped into each other at a party or event.  Always a humorous outcome.

 

we were at the fetish flea when on of our friend couples walked right into their neighbor (of twenty plus years).  Needless to say their friendship took on a deeper connection.

 

we bumped into and played with the parents of my son’s high school girlfriend in an open room at a party.  Rolled over and there they were.  We had lots of fun for a few years, til they moved away.

 

we also have a few friends that are in the LS but we only have our “vanilla” friendship/relationship.

 

Life is an adventure…..go with the journey….

[lcmim 1,008]

To be clear I was responding as to why folks say "no friends". I did not intend to point that specifically at your situation, which has some unique twists to it.

[BillyandDebbie 289]

39 minutes ago, lcmim said:

To be clear I was responding as to why folks say "no friends". I did not intend to point that specifically at your situation, which has some unique twists to it.

Sorry. Just adding my take generally based on our situation specifically 😆 Having fun. 

[BillyandDebbie 289]

Friends you swing with starts with Friends. We realized that we were emphasizing the sex in our friendship instead of the friendship. All the years we knew our friends we had a great time without sex with them.  Over the weekend we were reminded why we love the friendship we have and sex was not the reason. 

[ROCKlandCpl 436]

I noticed somebody reacted to my post on this topic and was looking for any follow up from the OP.