Swing solo. Can of worms or great idea? Help!

[Thislifewehave 11]

So, I may have opened up a can of worms, I'm not sure yet...My husband and I have dabbled in going out solo here and there but only with established partners of couples we have played with. A few months ago he was approached by a female at his work who has flirted and shown interest (customer not coworker).  He mentioned right away that he is married with kids, which eventually led to the, "I wish you weren't married." After a few encounters, and sharing with me, I told him to tell her about the LS and that he has his wife's consent to go out with no expectations except to feel it out and have fun. They went out. I ended up sending him a full hall pass halfway through his date.

 

He was completely honest with her and explained our boundaries, and how we operate as a couple and he showed her the text. They ended going back to her place and had a great night. Awesome! They both had an amazing time and I was cool with it.

 

Now for the tricky part...because she is not in the LS and had never really known anything about it, she is extremely vanilla and weirded out about the idea of meeting me. She doesn't want to feel judged, which I totally get. I definitely don't want to do that! I just want to meet her and have an honest conversation and to talk to her openly about separation of sex and friendship. I want to get a feel as to whether it is an ok idea to endorse them going on dates (they both want another) or whether this is going to turn into her creating more of a boyfriend experience. I'm not 100% comfortable with this idea, although I can't pinpoint why. I don't feel threatened or truly jealous, but I am worried about turning jealous because she sees him every day at work and brought him cookies, if that makes sense. (*fuck my husband all you want, but bringing him cookies makes me feel weird...ha, the irony!!!)

 

Given everything I have shared, can you folks help me figure out risk/ reward here? Have you had similar experiences or concerns? How did you deal with it? 

 

A little bit about us: We have been in the LS for 3.5 years and still learning, but have been together over 20 years and have a solid and communicative relationship. We talk about  EVERYTHING! (Aside from play by plays of fun...unless asked)

[njbm 2,728]

We do not give each other hall passes. We are “conservative “ in that regard. 

The red flag that I see is that the other woman has had no exposure to the lifestyle. Not that it’s rocket science, but there are protocols that are unfamiliar to the uninitiated. 
 

I think it’s a good idea for you to meet her. If she is hesitant, she may not be ready for open, lifestyle relationships. She may be looking for an old fashioned affair. 
 

We think hall passes are playing with dynamite, but others do it successfully. 

[Fitlakecouple 450]

You are entitled to your rule(s), if she wants to continue - she needs to meet you, plain and simple. If she wants to fuck your hubby she needs to own it and be able to be open about it with you. You are the gateway to his hall pass. And, once she does, as far as you and your husband are concerned - she IS in the lifestyle. And, as such, there are rules, agreements, boundaries, etc. A part of this meeting is about educating her of what is in and out of bounds, and how ethical monogamy works.

Don't be shy or afraid of taking control - or you may find out she will. I am assuming you that are not interested in becoming a cuckold queen.

[EastInWest 1,508]

Going to agree strongly with the above that you are the gatekeeper to your husband and have a right to meet her. There is a recent incident with a submissive I work with that really cemented the importance of this in my brain. She may feel weird but you can make her comfortable. You can educate her through a good, if arm's-length, friendship, and if she isn't cut out for that, then she isn't suitable for your husband.

 

Without applying the principles directly, it might be worthwhile to read up a little bit about dom/sub dynamics in other types of multi-partner relationships, like cuckquean and cuckolding and how power is expressed. Establishing the hierarchy of the relationships and who has the say-so in your minds might help to ease some of the confusing "how dare she bake for him" feelings, or at least clarify whether or not that's the real issue.

 

Also going to point out that while that ship has sailed, in our relationship with a single woman locally, we made a very deliberate decision not to tell her a thing about "the lifestyle". She is entitled to assume or guess anything she wishes, but the facts are compartmentalized to her having an open invitation for FMF because she's Mrs. E's treasured friend.

Edited November 4, 2021 by EastInWest

[lcmim 1,008]

njbm and Fitlakecouple are spot on.

 

The only thing to add is trust your Spidey sense.

 

It doesn't sound like you have a problem YET, but the lady does need to be brought up to speed.

[Thislifewehave 11]

Thanks everyone for helping me sort it out emotionally. I've decided to hold the rule that if she wants to go on another date with my husband, I need to meet her. He has told her as much. 

 

I'm definitely not interested in a cuckold situation. We have a loving and sexually active relationship together, our extra curriculars are just that, extra. I believe that in meeting her, I will get a feel for whether or not she can handle that dynamic. 

 

If it works out, then great, if not, flirting at work is fine and it would have to end there. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

While I agree with the above, you also need to remember that she isn't part of the L/S so her motives are DIFFERENT. Most people in the L/S are couples looking for a good time (either just sex and done or FWB with established couples). She is probably not looking for either of these...she's most likely looking for a relationship and knowing that she is looking towards TAKING your husband, doesn't want to meet you (easier to hurt someone you don't know). It doesn't matter what your husband has told her, I'm guessing that she is still thinking she is going to steal him away.

 

This isn't going to work out well. At some point she's probably going to figure out that he isn't going to leave you for her and suddenly EVERYONE is going to know that he had an affair...with your approval...that you are both swingers that have sex with others. This will blow up and everyone is going to know what you both do in the bedroom. Personally, you both need to run, not walk, from this future drama.

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

Side note: when it's the man and not the woman having sex with the wife knowing about it - it's called a cuckquean (yes, quean, not queen).

[discreetplay 218]

Kinda along the same lines as others have said...the 'hall pass' for the husband with someone who isn't in the lifestyle, and says "I wish you weren't married" is very risky. Your husband, with 3.5 years of LS experience, has a different via of their interactions than she does (a woman who wished he wasn't married). 

 

This is a recipe for disaster. I imagine he'll love the side, one-on-one sex. She'll want more and more of him and you'll end up with a rabbit on your stove.

 

This is why we only play together.

[EastInWest 1,508]

1 hour ago, GoldCoCouple said:

This isn't going to work out well. At some point she's probably going to figure out that he isn't going to leave you for her and suddenly EVERYONE is going to know that he had an affair...with your approval...that you are both swingers that have sex with others. This will blow up and everyone is going to know what you both do in the bedroom. Personally, you both need to run, not walk, from this future drama.

The fact that this happened at work and that they disclosed that they swing really sets off a flag for me. Maybe they don't care, but if she goes haywire emotionally, she has every reason to damage him professionally, and now a gun to do it with.

 

That cat is out of the bag. It's just a risk we would have avoided. You can't know who's going to turn out to be an enthusiastic adulterer as long as everyone agrees to lie to everyone, but thinks swingers are going to hell or whatever.

Edited November 4, 2021 by EastInWest

[travelingprofessional 46]

I agree with those saying this will end bad. You've allowed him to wander outside the lifestyle, blurring the line between his fun "hall pass" and her interest in him not being married. She'll likely end up with feelings because that's what she wanted when she said "I wish you weren't married". He'll back off because he is married. She'll then respond to her hurt feelings with telling everyone you two are swingers. 

 

Hopefully you two can handle her outing you.

 

 

[Thislifewehave 11]

8 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

While I agree with the above, you also need to remember that she isn't part of the L/S so her motives are DIFFERENT. 

 

Oof tough love! But you aren't wrong and shared some excellent insight... It turned out, after he explained that for anything more to happen she had to meet me, she told him that she's not cut out for it. I'm very fortunate that she was honest with herself and him before anything became more complicated. While I don't think she wanted to take him away at this stage, and had no nefarious intentions, I can see how the fantasy could have gotten carried away and turned out exactly how you described.

 

Lesson learned 😊

[lcmim 1,008]

If there ever is a word to the wise section as they categorize posts this one belongs there

 

 

[Fundamental Law 2,817]

This thread is the perfect example of the key role this board plays in understanding and navigating the lifestyle. Clear and candid question. Multiple non-judgmental perspectives. No one claiming a "one best way".

 

More generally, new insight creates both hindsight and foresight. 

[NoAngels 303]

As a couple that has had an open marriage for years, only playing together a few years, this sounds that a can of worms has been opened. Your husband has been truthful, his office mate has been truthful too in that she is looking for more. 
Meeting the spouse can feel intimidating to an outsider. I’ve had affairs with both married and single women while on business trips. I never hide the fact I am married, just much easier to let a partner know I am Happily Married. I talk about my wife freely. I once asked a single woman what she would think if I brought my wife out on my next trip, she quickly said don’t. She no problem having our busy nights as long she didn’t have to meet my wife. 
My wife only has affairs with married men, no secrets. She has the hall pass, her partners are cheaters, hiding their affairs from everyone. My wife has no problem being the secretive partner, going to hotels and secretly going to registered room. She even offers to register, her partner remains untracked. 
She has been meeting a man several times at a hotel an hour from our home and she had car problems. She asked me to drive her to her meeting. I asked her if I could meet her friend, she thought it would scare him so we decided I would drop her off and pick her up in five hours, around 6:00 PM. I was surprised when she met me with her friend who invited both of us to join him for dinner. Nice guy and interesting conversation.