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DM7708

Things Changed with Poly Relationship - How to handle/move on.

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Short back story. Been open all 21 years of my marriage. Had 2 separate successful relationships inside my own with my husband. We were a trio each time did a lot of MFM. I also played separately. Tons of communication it was a wonderful almost flawless time. Fast forward to 2020, my husband said he was going to try and hit up my bestie for photos and maybe video and see if she was open to that. I agreed, and it was fine until it wasn’t fine anymore. She never once told me about anything she sent or that he even talked to her or asked for anything. I even opened it up talking about my experiences to see if she would talk about it.  6 months pass, of me being totally distant before she reaches out to apologize. I’m angry, no longer am best friends with someone I had a 17 year friendship with and I’m angry with my husband, totally disconnected. 
 

Any advice is welcome. 

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I am not sure that I follow your story. Or who did what wrong and why. 

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Like njbm, I'm a little unclear on what happened here...  It sounds like you expected your friend to tell you about what she and your husband were doing. Was she aware of this expectation? Did she know what the "rules of the game" were? Did she even know that you and your husband are swingers or in open relationships? From what little you've said, I'm guessing she didn't.

 

It sounds to me like your husband propositioned her. If she didn't know that she was supposed to share what was going on with you (and unless you or your husband told her, there is no way she could be expected to know that), she may very reasonably have felt uncomfortable doing so. Even if she knew about you having other open relationships, she may been uncomfortable sharing the details of whatever was going on between her and your husband. Sex not something people generally talk about. Sex with your friend's husband is something ordinary people almost never talk about (especially because it's almost always in the context of an illicit affair).

 

Frankly, it seems to me like there was a huge communication breakdown very early here.

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I would have guessed that YOU should have approached her and let her know that your husband was interested in 'hitting her up'. That he did it probably made her think that this was being done without your knowledge and so she kept it secret (red flags start waving). While she may have participated (it's not really clear), if she didn't know that it was consensual, most people wouldn't have said anything ... of course, that tells you something about how trustworthy she actually is. Did you husband tell you what was happening? It sounds like he didn't as well, in which case, your communication isn't as strong as you thought.

 

We agree, huge communication breakdown here, but you can't just blame your husband and/or friend. Communication takes more than one person to work. Were you asking your husband about what was going on? Finally, this is just another example of why we strongly oppose swinging with friends. Most people are not ready to accept swinging as an option.

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The other question: If she did not know you were on board , she at least saw herself as cheating with your husband. If that is the case she is not a friend or even a trustworthy acquaintance.

 

If it is known he does these photo shoots, and that was all it was then let it be, maybe tell her you wish she had said something.

 

If your husband did not keep you in the loop he needs to sharpen his communication skills. He did at least ask initially and proceeded with approval.

 

To determine what is salvageable I think an full blown honesty session , face to face between the three of you is called for. Risky? Yes.

 

If handled correctly and you all can act as adults it could bring you all closer together. I could also nuke the whole deal.

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@DM7708 It's a bummer that you're went through that tough time with that.  How did it turn out?  It's possible there was a misunderstanding.  Also, some people have a hard time doing open non-monogamy.   It's sort of like they are partially in denial.  Maybe she could only do it in that almost secretive way at first?

 

I must say, my ideal is what you and your partner had before this involvement of her, where I have a spouse that wants both MFM threesomes and to get with men 1 on 1 wherever she chooses. 

 

I hope things turned out well for you.

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On 10/10/2021 at 7:33 PM, DM7708 said:

Been open all 21 years of my marriage. Had 2 separate successful relationships inside my own with my husband. We were a trio each time did a lot of MFM. I also played separately

My guess is that the MFMs and her playing separately were fun for her, but it wasn’t as easy when her husband played. 

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