What are your swinging rules?

[Spoomonkey 418]

xyzzy07 said:

Especially after reading the last few posts (and also as a courtesy) I think I'd be better off asking the guy, but would be interested in your opinions.

 

I don't think there is any harm - but don't turn the husband into a patriarch. It's not like asking someone's dad if you can court their daughter. I know that isn't what you mean, but that is what I thought of.

 

If you were to approach my wife, and she got a good vibe from you, she'd probably lead you over to talk to me - more as a way of making sure that there was enough chemistry all the way around (men have chemistry - even us straight dudes. I have to like the guy my wife might wind up tangling sheets with.)

 

The other side of that coin is something I see particularly with single men at our club. They will approach my wife only after I have walked away. That is a major turn off from the get go. The best way to approach us is as a couple.

 

But here's the thing - we are going to do it differently than other couples. That would be our approach. There are couples out there who - if you approach the wife - she might just dance with you, make out with you, drag you to a room and have her way with you without ever consulting her husband...

 

My advice would honestly be to just be yourself. If you bump into a woman at the bar in the club and you're interested, say hello - if that is who you are and what you feel. It is the couple's responsibility to steer things into their comfort zones - you can't be expected to know everyone's rules. Just be yourself, be respectful, be friendly and things will work out the way they are meant to - you'll hook up with some good folks; the kind of folks who like you for who you are - whether that be a sophisticated bastard or a pushy and somewhat clumsy good ol' boy.

 

Who you are is really the most attractive thing about you.

 

Hmmm... That should be on a t-shirt...

 

 

Now that, I've muddied the waters... The bottom line is, stick to your rules. Trust others with theirs. Does it make sense?

[Trace Ekies 186]

We feel it is our job to help partners fulfill fantasies. If they want something we want at the time they want it and we want it we have a policy of letting them have it.

 

I'm glad I cleared that up for all of us.

 

No rules except to say no when you choose.

[Pierced-n-Proud 16]

Our rules are fairly simple, made and agreed to by both of us. We always discuss them with our playmates before play.

 

1. If it's not on, it's not on. (condoms of course).

 

2. We play together in the same room.

 

3. We respect our playmates as we do our partners.

 

4. No means no and no offense is taken.

 

But above all have fun, enjoy and don't get too serious. It's all about sensual pleasure for everyone.

[Sico_tiko 17]

One of the best rules I prefer is that no cumming inside even with condoms, other than that I dont mind.

[JustAskJulie 2,588]

Our rules at this point....

 

We only play together in the same room

condoms a must

no single males

[funn 15]

We have been married for 25 years and have never slept with anyone other than ourselves. We met at a very young age and we are sole mates.We have been in the lifestyle for 5 years now as a soft swap couple only playing with other couples. It was only in the last month that a very good friend of mine who i've known for 5 years got divorced ( he was in the lifestyle too) so we asked him to join us. We talked for a couple of years about trying full swap with another male so we decided to ask my friend. We also decided that it if we were going to try full we didn't want any rules, other than no emotional attachment. All I can say is wow. My wife has gone absolutely mad ! It's almost like she woke up from a long sleep and discovered sex again. It was mind blowing watching her perform. After all these years it was almost surreal watching her.

[2plus2fun 143]

We had alot more rules when we were new... I don't think we have rules now as much as a general understanding between us. There are a couple of rules for our partners I guess.

 

Our understanding:

 

No "taking one for the team" (without mutual consent)

No meeting people secretly (that is just cheating)

We play together unless we agree that one on one is ok.

Flirting is ok... continuous pawing and/or foreplay with a member of a couple we are not playing with is not ok.

 

Partners Rules:

No Anal

No Pain

No Hard Drugs (weed is ok)

No sperm in mouths or vaginas

No Facials

Shave that thing please

[skinzman 15]

1 no means no

2.proof before play (clean)

3 no drug's at all.

4. no raincoat's

5. no drama

6. must have good time

[Gorgegon 17]

My wife and I have only two rules.

 

1) Be very selfish. We are swinging to both have FUN first than anybody else, and not only short term but also in the future.

 

2) And always we have to be in control of the situation.

 

Basically these two rules have saved us from several uncomfortable situations.

[SheLovesTheSun 40]

Our rules are (well, when we actually start, lol)

 

No one on one, we stay together.

 

Practice safe sex-always use a condom.

 

We both agree on the couple- no taking one for the team.

 

Of course, we're still working the rules out as we go along

[little firefly 64]

1. No being alone with the other woman....I'm in the room or NDN dosen't play

2. Condoms are a must

3. The "one hit" rule. He dosen't play with the same woman twice

 

So far those are the only rules i have. If in the future i find something to be too uncomfortable to me then our list will be revised a bit

[SoFlaCp 85]

We try to keep it simple, and likely are still learning...

 

1) Couples only

2) Same Room only

3) No taking one for the team

4) No drama tolerated

5) All must play - meaning female of other couple must play with male and vice-versa...and FF play is an added bonus for the wife

6) Above all this is fun not serious

7) We reserve the right to change our minds - together

 

Hmmm...more than we thought. The first two are honestly the only rules we started with...and the others are just "smart" guidelines. 3&4 came out of our observations on the whole "couples dating couples" scene. The last 3 are new and came out of our experience / experiences of friends. #7 came about in part because originally we were condoms only (still prefer) but have bent that rule so can't really call it a rule now...

[WildFire 19]

With our exclusive full-swap couple (semi-poly relationship) anything goes except no anal

MFMF, FFM, MFM, FF together or separate play ok (males are 100% straight)

no condoms

 

or

 

A night out on our own (as a couple)

1. We stay together

2. kissing is ok

3. oral is ok

4. no full swapping

[ConnieJim 40]

Well,maybe one golden rule.

No person or persons are allowed to put us into a situation where we are uncomfortable in any way.

That is pretty broad,but I think it really sums it up for everyone.What we will and will not do changes depending on so many factors.

As long as we are both comfortable with whatever may present itself...then OK.

[Guest FT0408]

Hi, we are new to this thread buy have swinging for about 2 yrs now, after skimming through the 8 pages of responses we have most of the basic rules,

no means no,

everyone plays,

have fune,

etc..

 

Our one "different" rule, actually mainly her rule (although I dont disagree with it in anyway) is:

She is 100%, could not be more, Straight

 

I've actually come to love this rule because it really lets me see the true sides of some women. We've meet plenty of couples who when we start talking to them always saw things such as "oh ya no means no" or "we always try to respect others" and once they find out she is straight the pressure comes out.."Oh well you have never been with the right woman, Ill have to change that tonight" was my favorite.

 

We've even had girls try to "trick" us past our rule, we were about to play with a couple once when everyone was naked and ready to go, the other girl moved up to her and started trying to touch her, she basically grabbed her hand away and said "no I want to see you play with him (pointing to me), that's what turns me on" The girl wouldn't do it and kept trying be pushy, until I finally I told the husband you either stop her or I'm gonna have to...he stopped her real fast.

 

So yes that is our one rule, and ladies always remember your not above the men, you have to respect the rules to.

[swayME 15]

 

1. Either of us can choose to "bail" out at any time, but we both go.

 

2. Same room all times. No swinging solo.

 

3. No "getting to know" anyone. Here for sexual relations not friends in home life.

 

4. No full names, Don't entertain in our home.

 

5. Respect everyone involved.

 

6. No cheating spouses.

 

7. If we dont like something its a no.

 

***Open-minded couple***

[freshcream 43]

1. Same room only

2. Condoms

3. Disease free

4. Hard drug free (pot ok)

5. Drama free

 

and the newest rule

 

6. No pushing on the back of Ms. Freshcream's head while she's giving head (i.e., the No Gag Rule)

[belgiumcoast 55]

We don't have many rules and actually (except for the safe sex rule), never discussed any other rules actually

 

We won't take one for the team, except at a party where we have ample choice of partners so one of us can have the partner with the click and the other can have someone else from another couple.

 

So otherwise I really don't know about any rules besides the 3 big NOs: kids, pets, and excrement, and a reverse rule: if the other couple is a no-kissing couple we won't be dating them, kissing is too much part of the play for us

 

We already did things I never would have imagined like separate rooms, even sleeping with the swing partner after the sex, having 'before breakfast sex' ending with seeing my own partner again and feel sooooooooooo happy, so lucky, so ... like walking on clouds

 

If swinging has done anything to our relation it is that our love and trust has grown even more, and while we've never been really jealeaous, that is something that is not even possible anymore.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,019]

We don't have many rules and actually (except for the safe sex rule), never discussed any other rules actually

 

We won't take one for the team, except at a party where we have ample choice of partners so one of us can have the partner with the click and the other can have someone else from another couple.

 

So otherwise I really don't know about any rules besides the 3 big NOs: kids, pets, and excrement, and a reverse rule: if the other couple is a no-kissing couple we won't be dating them, kissing is too much part of the play for us

 

We already did things I never would have imagined like separate rooms, even sleeping with the swing partner after the sex, having 'before breakfast sex' ending with seeing my own partner again and feel sooooooooooo happy, so lucky, so ... like walking on clouds

 

If swinging has done anything to our relation it is that our love and trust has grown even more, and while we've never been really jealeaous, that is something that is not even possible anymore.

Sounds to me like a perfect formula for fun.

[cupl4fun 361]

Basically our only two rules are condoms for penetration and same room sex. We didn't have the same room rule at first but we have just figured out that same room really works best for us. A lot of the fun for us is sharing the experience together and being together helps us relax and enjoy the experience more as well.

[RYANandANDREA 15]

We don't have a whole lot of experience yet, only a handful of encounters really. We finally decided on ONE rule:

 

She says what the girl(s) can do and He says what the boy(s) can do. To ourselves or our partners. This covers everything from condom use, touching, tasting and even penetration.

 

We feel this one rule covers all the necessary varibles and gives us both the comfort and control we would need. :-)

[couplesdeli 15]

- Female to Female is the only kind of kissing allowed.

- Always same room.

- If we full swap (has only happened once so far) condoms are a must!

- Everyone must like everyone.

[shy_couple 448]

Keep in mind these were whittled from a longer list.

-Same room only

-no penetration (we are soft swap couple)

-dont take one for the team

-at any point, either can put the brakes on. no questions asked

[carl01tx 17]

We are honest with each other; we share each other’s thoughts about our experience. We only play straight, no anal sex with her. Insure that everyone knows that no means no. Complete discretion is a must.

[slowride 27]

We are very new to this and are still setting our rules as we go along. But we have agreed on some so far:

1. Safe sex always

2. If either one of us says no it veto's the other who may want to stay & play. Not the time to argue as we need to be unified.

3. No mouth kissing...that we agree is for us.

4. No weird, disgusting or illegal chit. Just don't want it, not into it period.

5. Enjoy ourselves, our experiences and love each other more.

 

And we've agreed to amend or add to the rules as needed.

[lovenestduo 74]

Our only rule is not to play with people that have rules.

 

When we did have them, all they did was give us something to argue about. Sure, we may not like what the other is doing at all times, but we talk about it later. Creating a rule isn't necessary. If we can't let ourselves go then it isn't worth doing any of this.

 

Same with others, we don't need the drama when something happens in the heat of the moment that breaks one of their rules. We had a couple call it quits when they broke their own 'no kissing' rule. Nothing like setting aside a night for playing, getting a room and having it wasted by some people that aren't ready for it.

[indycouple71 15]

We have complete trust in one another with no jealousy, so we really don't have any rules aside from not doing what we aren't sexually into... like she's not into anal and rough nipple play.

 

I've never really understood the need for "rules" when it comes to swinging. Swinging, to me, is all about having the ability to separate sex from love. So a couple who trusts one another enough to swing, shouldn't have rules aside from things you're just not into.

 

If you don't want your husband/wife kissing other people (for example) should you really be in the lifestyle? I don't think so.

[Coupleerotic22 1,417]

Interesting take on rules.

 

First, I have no problem with people having rules, particularly newbies. It's their safe harbor. Swinging is not a social norm, so sometimes people need define their comfort zones. Rules are one way to do that. I would agree, that most of the rules I see I would think silly for my wife and I, but if the other couple wants them, who am I to judge. If I don't like their rules I can move on.

 

Second, when we started out in the LS, we had a million rules. We read somewhere that you should have them, so we did. After our first experience we threw out the vast majority, because we realized that we did not need them. But what remained were a few core rules, more like guidelines actually, that are meant to protect ourselves. They are actually part of our open communication and are refined often. In fact rules like condom usage are really more for our partners so we are clear upfront with everyone. We trust each other completely, but we do not extend that level of trust to others, some rules/guides are to help prevent situations that could become less than desirable.

 

So rules do not need to be born out of distrust, they can be born out of love, respect and desire to protect each other. Just like I tell my kids all the time, the rules are not there because we don't love you, in fact, completely the opposite. If we did not love you we wouldn't care enough to have any rules to begin with.

[Guest rdy46227]

We talked about a set of rules, and ended up with 9. Except for one (safe sex) they all revolved around the relationship.

 

Rules of Engagement

• Come home when called
  
  • When a choice has to be made, choose each other
    
  • Keep in touch, be traceable
    
  • Balance time, attention, expenses
    

  [*]Careful what comes home

  • Practice safe sex
    
  • Leave the drama to others
    
  • Avoid attracting the morals police
    

  [*]Keep what we have

  • Communicate emotions, commitment, and connection
    
  • Give information as needed or solicited
    
  • Go with the slowest; everyone has a veto
    

[divenaked 318]

When Ms Dive and I became a couple, she brought up setting rules before our first party. We came up with: if you are uncomfortable, say no; if you are scared, say no; if it doesn't interest you, say no; if it sounds too kinky for you, say no........does everyone catch the theme here?

[Miss Sunshine 29]

we have rules as well, but I have a question for those who list "protection" does that include oral sex?

[MN Tom 251]

Miss Sunshine said:

we have rules as well, but I have a question for those who list "protection" does that include oral sex?

 

We only use condoms for penetration, haven't seen anyone yet who uses them for oral. As a guy that would really be annoying to me, condoms dull me a bit, and the female condom types of things are not inviting at all to me, I cant imagine being able to properly perform oral on a woman with some condom like material being in the way.

 

Honestly if I was that worried about transmitting something through oral, I wouldn't be down there in the first place, protection or not.

 

As for rules, we started out with way too many, and shed almost all of them pretty quickly. Simple stuff, have fun, no means no, keep communication and your mind open, and if one spouse isn't having any fun and wants to leave, we leave. We have encountered some people with a ton of rules, and to us that just means they aren't at the same level as us, and probably aren't ready if they are really restrictive.

[hardrockers70 16]

I learned many things as a single swinger prior to marrying current hubby: a lot of males who were in relationships tended to downplay how serious their relationships were or would outright lie about even being in a relationship. I played once with this one male who I got to know over several meetings and parties, he was always alone, swore he wasn't seeing anyone, so we played and had a great time. A girl calls me at my work one night afterwards and threatens to kill me. Apparently, he was engaged to this girl!!!! So, after that, I tended towards couples as one thing I'm not, is/was a homewrecker.

 

Now, with this hubby, we play only with couples, same room, anything up to full swap, no anal, and everyone must click and be able to talk about things openly and honestly. That said, with a small giggle, though, it is best for everyone I feel, if the word "better" is never used even if it is true! "She gives much better head than you" The first time I heard this as a single swinger, I was truly offended. I have counseled my hubby on different wording: "Her blow jobs are different" Much better choice. I am far from jealous and can tell when hubby is really into stuff, so if we play with same people again, I will let the other gal know whatever she did that he really enjoyed and vice versa.

 

A lot of people on here say condoms are a must and someone above said what about condoms for oral sex? I can see using condoms for birth control purposes and to prevent STD's, but oral play can still transmit STD's, like herpes. It is interesting to me, then, that some say condoms for intercourse, none for oral, and you could still contract a disease. Saliva and semen are both bodily fluids that are capable of infecting others. I'm a health care professional so I do know what I am talking about.

 

Also, on that note, condoms do not protect you from crabs/body lice. I can't tell you how many people I have come across who did not know this. But, I am digressing, may have to check out the "safe sex" forum.

 

I really like reading others' rules, gives me many ideas for our own!

[Miss Sunshine 29]

after I read about people not using protection when doing oral I checked it out, we also have not been consistent in using protection during oral, but i found this, maybe we should pay a lot more attention:

 

Is Oral Sex Safe Sex - Oral Sex and STDs

[olderyder 15]

Ours are simple.

1. When she wants to play, she should go play.

2. Don't play in front of me, cause I don't want to watch.

3. I don't do MFM's

 

Can't get much simpler than that.

[sexology300 15]

Our rules, like most here, evolved as we gained more experience.

 

Basically now we go with: If she ain't happy, we ain't happy.

[tattooed2some07 15]

Just curious....we have a few rules, and i wonder what everyone else would think of them, lol.

 

1. We never play alone

2. Condoms always

3. Either one of us can put a stop to an uncomfy situation at any time, no explantion necessary.

4. No "romance". We're not those no kissing people, lol. We just want to keep the pretty whispered words and gestures between us, lol.

 

We both think they're not that bad, but would be curious to see what others think.

[two4youinswva 3,067]

Just curious....we have a few rules, and i wonder what everyone else would think of them, lol.

 

If they work for you at this point, then they're perfect.

 

Generally speaking, your rules seem to be along the general lines that a lot of couples follow.

[MN Tom 251]

Just curious....we have a few rules, and i wonder what everyone else would think of them, lol.

 

1. We never play alone

2. Condoms always

3. Either one of us can put a stop to an uncomfy situation at any time, no explantion necessary.

4. No "romance". We're not those no kissing people, lol. We just want to keep the pretty whispered words and gestures between us, lol.

 

We both think they're not that bad, but would be curious to see what others think.

 

Fairly common rules. Some have more, some have less, and some have the same.

 

Whatever works for each couple is what you should go by. And realize that over time some rules will possibly change.

For us the "romance" stuff has definitely changed more to the open side. We enjoy it, and we talk about it, and it works for us. For us being the key.

[funfrkycpl 77]

When we started out in the lifestyle we had a bunch of rules, but over time as we both became more comfortable with the lifestyle we decided that a lot of our rules limited our fun. We talked about it and came to the conclusion that most of the rules we had weren't necessary for us.

 

Now our only hard rules are: Condoms are must for intercourse, always communicate, and HAVE FUN!!! Everything else, we just go with the flow as long as neither of us is uncomfortable with the situation.

[s_couple 48]

For rules or boundaries, these are what we have established for now:

1. For reducing STD, protection all the time for intercourse and oral play is limited to couples/individual we trust (no oral with someone we just meet in an on-premise club). So orgy is definitely out of limit.

2. No anal play, no BDSM, and no MM play (none of us like these).

3. No pictures or movies.

 

 

As for security (mainly to protect Mrs s_couple), we do take additional measures:

1. No play in anyone's home unless we're truly comfortable and trust them.

2. No separate room play (except in on-premise clubs).

3. No personal info sharing (full names, address, etc.).

4. We only play together so we can protect each other.

[GnJ 15]

Our rules are pretty much in line with the majority with one addition, I don't kiss anyone other than J and she only kisses the women.

[WeHoos 41]

condoms condoms condoms condoms

 

Other than that we started with all kinds of rules for the Mrs to feel comfortable. Now, just protect yourself.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,019]

condoms condoms condoms condoms

 

Other than that we started with all kinds of rules for the Mrs to feel comfortable. Now, just protect yourself.

 

A most excellent set of rules. Simple, elegant, practical and as flexible as a "set" of rules can be.

[bigdandlola12 16]

So what are some of your rules? What rules did you start with? What have you added? And what have you amended? I'm sure many have had a bad experience of one kind or another that either amended an existing rule or created a new one. And we want to be able to consider as many as possible to prevent us from falling into a bad situation. Of course, one person's "bad" situation can be someone else's fantasy. But you get the idea.

 

Here are some of our rules...

 

1. No taking one for the team!

2. No Anal (thats just for us)

3. No means NO!

4. Same Room, NO EXCEPTIONS!!

5. Last but not least...and I know there are some debates on this one....NO KISSING on the LIPS (FACE) ...Anywhere else is fine.

 

*on the last one...before I get bashed....let me explain, not that i really need too but....recently we had a threesome where BIGD was kissing the other woman passionately...I was not ok...but he went down on her, he had sex with her and I was??? so that led me to realize that kissing btwn me and BIGD is something that i find sensual and erotic. I can't explain that part but that's a big part of our connection. As long as we both can kiss anywhere else...neck, shoulders, breasts... its still good...you can still kiss and be sensual without making out! Since we are still sort of new, it might change down the road, who knows.

[athenscouple 15]

1. We never play alone

2. We always talk about it.

3. No anal (Thats for us)

4. We both have to agree.

[prairieshadows 95]

We have an open marriage as well as being swingers, so for us, here's some of our rules.

 

1. If we play separate with someone alone, we MUST have each others consent first.

2. If we play alone, the other person can't be cheating on their spouse. (Don't want to be caught in that drama if they were to get caught.)

3. When with another couple, we ALL must click or it's a no go.

4. No anal....she doesn't do it at all.

5. No expectations, if we get together, if it happens it happens.

[curious42 15]

We don't have a whole lot of experience yet, only a handful of encounters really. We finally decided on ONE rule:

 

She says what the girl(s) can do and He says what the boy(s) can do. To ourselves or our partners. This covers everything from condom use, touching, tasting and even penetration.

 

We feel this one rule . :-)

 

Wow, great idea! So the husband makes the rules for the wife as to what he's comfortable seeing done to his wife? and the wife gets to say what gets done or not done to her husband? Never thought of that before , I like it. Does the one not calling get the shots get to say no I don't want that done to me even though your spouses gave the go ahead?

[funcoupledayton 2,707]

Wow, great idea! So the husband makes the rules for the wife as to what he's comfortable seeing done to his wife? and the wife gets to say what gets done or not done to her husband? Never thought of that before , I like it. Does the one not calling get the shots get to say no I don't want that done to me even though your spouses gave the go ahead?

 

To me this sounds confusing and strange. I think it's better to decide together and then either one of you can state your rules to anyone.

[sparkstar 128]

• The main rule we have is to always use condoms with people we don't know well. Though if condoms are not desired then the other man/couple must provide a recent clean STI certificate. Hayley has the arm implant so other men don't need to pull out.

• If Hayley has just given a blowjob to someone who came in her mouth, she then has to have a drink or brush her teeth before we kiss each other, she totally respects that.

• The moment one of us starts having strong feelings for someone else, we must then stop seeing that person no matter what.

• Tell the truth about literally everything with each other, no white lies or being tactful. If we have anything on our mind we must be open and talk about it, we take criticism in a good way unlike most people who get upset over such petty things.