Is this Swinging?

[Bob250 74]

Well, Lioness, you did the right thing, but it turned out wrong. Every single one of us, here, have done the same thing..and probably had the same result. It sucks...yes, but it will suck a whole lot less, as time goes by. You have to spend a few nights alone, but how does that compare with spending your life with somebody who has a completely different set of values and sexual urges than you do? I agree with cplnuswing in that you are now free to be the person you are, instead of hiding yourself and your desires from your partner, possibly forever. If I were you I would explain the situation to your BF one more time, and if he is not receptive, begin the adventure.

[Bob250 74]

Ok, I don't need advice of what I should do. I did what I did. I told my bf and now I am alone. Funny, if I had slept with a guy only, I would never have told my bf. In that same thought, I didn't have a desire to sleep with anyone else. It would never come up because it wasn't going to happen. Then again I never thought of having sex with my friend or any other female. Kissing a friend is okay but not sexually. Grabbing a boob or a butt? Only in fun. Touching anywhere else? Never. But I did. The sex with the guy was only because he was there. I go Wow he got lucky. I only told my bf because of guilt and I figured telling him I had sex with my friend would make want to do it with us. I enjoyed sex with her. I could see me doing it again.

Now I am alone and the holiday parties and NYE I won't be with anyone. NYE will be me and a bottle of wine watching the ball drop.

Lioness, this post bothers me. are you saying that if you had only cheated with another man, you would not have been honest about it with your BF? If that is the case, you are definitely not LS material. Honesty being the hallmark of the life style. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, and lose the mindset of lying. Deceit is NEVER the right choice for a swinger. I do not know of a single deceptive person or habitual liar who is in a good relationship or ever will be.

You are responsible for all of this situation. You made the initial bad choice to cheat, and everything afterwards is a result of your initial bad decision. Once you cheated, you had the choice to be honest or to lie. You chose the truth, which is definitely the right choice. It shows you are maturing as a person. It may not seem so now, but your integrity as a person is way more important than a couple of nights alone.

[PSULioness 754]

Lioness, this post bothers me. are you saying that if you had only cheated with another man, you would not have been honest about it with your BF? If that is the case, you are definitely not LS material. Honesty being the hallmark of the life style. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, and lose the mindset of lying. Deceit is NEVER the right choice for a swinger. I do not know of a single deceptive person or habitual liar who is in a good relationship or ever will be.

You are responsible for all of this situation. You made the initial bad choice to cheat, and everything afterwards is a result of your initial bad decision. Once you cheated, you had the choice to be honest or to lie. You chose the truth, which is definitely the right choice. It shows you are maturing as a person. It may not seem so now, but your integrity as a person is way more important than a couple of nights alone.

 

They say you make your bed and have to live in it. I fully understand what I did was not swinging. I have been told that by so many of the posts on here. I cheated! I am guilty of cheating on my love. I am paying the consequences. You asked if I had cheated with just the guy would I have confessed. Probably not. Prior to this, I had not cheated on him, so I am only saying this after some thought, not from experience. And though you say I did the right thing and better now than it coming out later, I continue to search for the reason I confessed. It had nothing to do with having sex with another man. That sexual event was nothing special and not very memorable. Believe me I question why I said something. Was it because I was proud that I did something with another woman, or was it because I was scared that I enjoyed myself. I have always thought of myself as "straight". I don't have any biases against anyone's sexual preference and know a number of gay and lesbian people. I know a few married gay couples and think it is great they found love and happiness. The truth is it was once. Did I enjoy? Yes. Would I do it again if given the chance? Maybe. I am not looking for women, I rather have my man back.

[cplnluv1 804]

I am wondering the real reason you posted. Was it because you cheated or was it because you wanted someone to say you are being normal in acting out your sexual curiosity. Something you couldn't or wouldn't do with your boyfriend. I don't think anyone on this forum will take a negative view of you being with your old roommate. I know I won't put a biased tag on you based on sexual curiosity. In polls only a little over 5% of women would say they are bi and less than 10% say they had sexual contact with another female. My feeling both numbers are low. I don't label myself as bi as I am way more attracted to men. My sexual initiation was with a girl due to curiosity more than attraction. You did something that doesn't label you as immoral. Who are the morality police to tell you what you like. You enjoyed what your no found liberty let you do. Sex is as much physical as mental. You are saying you are more troubled with having sex with a female than a man you just met. You are on a forum where most of the people of not all are doing something that many others would not approve of. Again the morality police. You seem like someone who is unshackling her sexual freedom. You boyfriend may play with different moral values. He may just be hurt that he wasn't included in your awakening or he may never accept the things you want to explore. I am reading you want him back. If he truly wants you, he will be back. Time heals.

[edman 24]

PSULioness, FWIW if I was your bf I would have forgiven you for this, and without a lot of drama. What you did was not cheating because you did not plan it behind his back and you have felt a lot of guilt about keeping it a secret and you did not and do not have a relationship with the other girl & guy. This will get me in trouble here b/c it appears swingers go by strict rules to protect their relationships. In the swinger code, apparently if you had pre-negotiated it, you could have had the other guy's baby. But without pre-negotiation, winking at him would be "cheating". I hope you bf realizes his mistake; if he doesn't I am sorry to say he was not that into you or is a person who can't be forgiving, neither of which you would want long term. I sort of doubt someone like you will be alone for long. Good luck.

[EastInWest 1,508]

PSULioness, FWIW if I was your bf I would have forgiven you for this, and without a lot of drama. What you did was not cheating because you did not plan it behind his back and you have felt a lot of guilt about keeping it a secret and you did not and do not have a relationship with the other girl & guy. This will get me in trouble here b/c it appears swingers go by strict rules to protect their relationships.

 

I'm not saying you can't have your own view on this, we're all different, but I don't think this definition would fly outside of the swinging world, either. I'm absolutely certain that I've never been in a relationship where "sorry, it just suddenly happened and I feel really bad about it" would have gotten me off the hook.

[Guest luvin eye full]

PSULioness, FWIW if I was your bf I would have forgiven you for this, and without a lot of drama. What you did was not cheating because you did not plan it behind his back and you have felt a lot of guilt about keeping it a secret and you did not and do not have a relationship with the other girl & guy. This will get me in trouble here b/c it appears swingers go by strict rules to protect their relationships. In the swinger code, apparently if you had pre-negotiated it, you could have had the other guy's baby. But without pre-negotiation, winking at him would be "cheating". I hope you bf realizes his mistake; if he doesn't I am sorry to say he was not that into you or is a person who can't be forgiving, neither of which you would want long term. I sort of doubt someone like you will be alone for long. Good luck.

 

Well Edman i respectfully disagree with this - the problem is that she was not in a swingers relationship ( not that many would except what she did was swinging anyway )

then cheated on her BF and then is saying if it was just a guy then she would not care, no one says she can not have her sexuality - just that she needs to be honest about it - this is the same in and out of swingers lifestyle and i do not know anyone that would except it as normal - having said that the BF is not in the swinger lifestyle and expected his GF to be faithful ( and again all the swingers i know expect there to be honesty in their relationship )

 

Regards

[cplnluv1 804]

Well Edman i respectfully disagree with this - the problem is that she was not in a swingers relationship ( not that many would except what she did was swinging anyway )

then cheated on her BF and then is saying if it was just a guy then she would not care, no one says she can not have her sexuality - just that she needs to be honest about it - this is the same in and out of swingers lifestyle and i do not know anyone that would except it as normal - having said that the BF is not in the swinger lifestyle and expected his GF to be faithful ( and again all the swingers i know expect there to be honesty in their relationship )

 

Regards

 

She admits she cheated. She never said she wouldn't care if it was just a guy. She said she never cheated before and if she had cheated with just a guy she would have not told her boyfriend. She knew that was wrong. I believe she would never had cheated with a guy but she succumbed to her curiosity with her friend, the guy was something that just happened. She admitted the girl sex on her own and didn't lie about the guy when asked. She didn't want to hurt her boyfriend. What happened wasn't planned. Her curiosity got the best of her.

[edman 24]

Thanks for the replies to my post. I am more in agreement with Fundamental Law's posts than the other posts. I just feel sorry for Lioness. Everyone makes mistakes. The posters are mostly beating her up for "cheating". She has lost her bf, that is punishment enough. She will learn from this; but maybe what she will learn is that it is better to keep a secret from, rather than lose, your boyfriend. She has been honest and it cost her.

[edman 24]

Yes cpInluv1. Who hasn't made a mistake? It could be forgiven, I would.

[Guest luvin eye full]

She admits she cheated. She never said she wouldn't care if it was just a guy. She said she never cheated before and if she had cheated with just a guy she would have not told her boyfriend. She knew that was wrong. I believe she would never had cheated with a guy but she succumbed to her curiosity with her friend, the guy was something that just happened. She admitted the girl sex on her own and didn't lie about the guy when asked. She didn't want to hurt her boyfriend. What happened wasn't planned. Her curiosity got the best of her.

 

You need to re-read her posts, not only did she say she did not care she also had some others ( guys ) that he does not know about,

 

But in the end it's about honesty and what value you put on it - her BF agrees other wise he would not of left, i think many people would agree - does that mean no forgiveness - well for myself if i was the BF i would be pissed, but i could get over it eventually - the BF may still do so as well.

 

It's not the act as much it is the willing to lie about everything, the only reason she said anything at all was because she wanted to pursue the bi-sex not out of guilt or some sort need to their LR but because of the sex.

 

I think you'll find that ( if you read my posts ) that her question is is this swinging and i think it is not, also if she was going to tell him ( and i told he may walk out ) then be sorry for what really is the problem not be half sorry, i bet if we could talk to the BF he's more pissed about the one guy he knows about then the girl on girl sex.

 

Regards

[Guest luvin eye full]

Thanks for the replies to my post. I am more in agreement with Fundamental Law's posts than the other posts. I just feel sorry for Lioness. Everyone makes mistakes. The posters are mostly beating her up for "cheating". She has lost her bf, that is punishment enough. She will learn from this; but maybe what she will learn is that it is better to keep a secret from, rather than lose, your boyfriend. She has been honest and it cost her.

 

Really have you read the posts?

Most are not trying to "beat her up" for cheating we are tiring to help her not to make the same mistake again, as for beaning forgiven i to would love to hear from her saying they worked it out and that's the truth, but i also think if your going to be sorry then at lest do it for the right things and not try and make out that some how your the victim.

 

Re read her posts - if you still feel the same then i will have to respectfully agree to disagree.

 

Regards

[machiavel55 80]

PSULioness, FWIW if I was your bf I would have forgiven you for this, and without a lot of drama. What you did was not cheating because you did not plan it behind his back and you have felt a lot of guilt about keeping it a secret and you did not and do not have a relationship with the other girl & guy. .

I'm curious Edman, what would be cheating for you?

[PSULioness 754]

I can't believe all that I am reading and the advice I am getting from those who are sympathetic and those who think they know what I am thinking. One of you says re-read my posts,that I don't care what I did and that I had other guys. I don't know what you are reading. While being with my boyfriend I had never cheated up to now. Like most people I know I have been somewhat active in my life sexually. I wouldn't say I slept with more than an average of girls my age. I don't think I would have posted if I wasn't troubled by what I did. More troubled with what I allowed happen with a guy. It was unplanned and I allowed and consented. I never said stop. That means I cheated. I got caught up in a fun day and ended up doing things I now regret. Even the part I enjoyed I regret because I hurt someone I love. Part of me is still excited with one part, something that it is still hard to grasp that I would do.

 

If you think I am not bothered having sex with the guy you are wrong. I did allow it and I feel the guilt.

 

Let me explain what happened. It is a little blurry. I was in their room and their bed. I was just trying to sleep. My friend rubbed my shoulders and then things escalated. I don't know how or why I let it escalate. She touched me and I touched her. I don't remember how my friend made her way down between my legs. I knew the guy was there but had hoped he didn't know what we were doing. I know I am stupid. Then he got involved and I thought that wow I'm in a threesome. I know what I did. Yes I started giving him a bj. It was more she was between my legs and then she replaced him in my mouth with her on my face. I'm not sure what happened. He ended up in me and I was doing oral to her. In the moment I was more involved with her than what he was doing. That is honest.

 

When I told my boyfriend about what I did with my friend I was scared but I told him. He asked about the guy and what I did with him. I couldn't lie.

 

I don't know what is happening now. I hope I see him Christmas but that isn't certain.

[edman 24]

I'm curious Edman, what would be cheating for you?

 

I would like to apologize to everyone for starting this controversy. All I wanted to do was tell PSULioness that in my opinion (which some have said it is OK for me to have), what she did (as she stated in this thread) is NOT THAT BAD. If I was her BF, I could forgive her, and go on as before. I would also be OK with her exploring the girl-girl thing further if she wanted to. But I don't think she is still following this thread, so all I am doing is making the rest of you all angry. So I am sorry for doing that.

 

But I will answer your question with an example. If she had met someone on-line and gotten to know them, and secretly exchanged sexy photos on-line, made secret plans to meet up in a hotel with the intention of sex (perhaps claiming to her bf that she was going to a football game as a cover story)... then any/all of these planning and other steps would constitute actively seeking out an extra-relationship affair (a more serious thing if it was an extra-marital affair), and the bf when he found out would be justified in being angry at the betrayal and pulling back to re-evaluate whether he wanted to continue a relationship with someone who obviously was looking for something instead of or in addition to what he was providing. That would be cheating, by my standards. It is the relationship of the cheater to the affair partner that really matters, not the acts (sex or no sex). I would have expected since this is a swingers board, where folks indicate that saying hey, wife and I are going to meet John and Jane Doe in a hotel room this weekend for sexy fun and games... is the same as saying hey, wife and I are going to meet John and Jane Doe on a tennis court this weekend for a doubles tennis match ... we will strictly follow the rules of swinging / tennis ... I would have expected folks here to understand that what she did was an unexpected, incidental, unplanned, impulsive surprise without any harm to anyone really. She loves her bf and would probably unring the bell if she could.

 

I will post an introductory post so that you all can know what I am and why I am here. In brief, I am a man in my mid 60's, married 38 years, not a swinger. I was loooking for information of a medical nature which I did not find, but actually became curious reading the posts here, I knew nothing about the lifestyle before. Too old now, ha! When you are my age you realize life is drawing to a close and you become concerned about how you left things. I have contacted and apologized to almost everyone I hurt or may have hurt during my life. Some forgave me, others didn't.

 

If you all don't want me on here because wife and I are vanilla, I understand and I will delete my account. I don't want to start any more argument like this.

 

Thanks.

[PSULioness 754]

I would like to apologize to everyone for starting this controversy. All I wanted to do was tell PSULioness that in my opinion (which some have said it is OK for me to have), what she did (as she stated in this thread) is NOT THAT BAD. If I was her BF, I could forgive her, and go on as before. I would also be OK with her exploring the girl-girl thing further if she wanted to. But I don't think she is still following this thread, so all I am doing is making the rest of you all angry. So I am sorry for doing that.

 

She loves her bf and would probably unring the bell if she could.

 

I will post an introductory post so that you all can know what I am and why I am here. In brief, I am a man in my mid 60's, married 38 years, not a swinger. I was loooking for information of a medical nature which I did not find, but actually became curious reading the posts here, I knew nothing about the lifestyle before. Too old now, ha! When you are my age you realize life is drawing to a close and you become concerned about how you left things. I have contacted and apologized to almost everyone I hurt or may have hurt during my life. Some forgave me, others didn't.

 

If you all don't want me on here because wife and I are vanilla, I understand and I will delete my account. I don't want to start any more argument like this.

 

Thanks.

Thank you Edman

I am still following the thread though it has gone into a different direction. I was hoping for advice and understanding as well as a format to clear my head. I didn't think there would be flaming. I knew what I did was cheating. I was trying to convince myself on my sexuality and thinking swingers would be sympathetic and understanding. Maybe I should have gone to a LGBT forum.

You are in your 60s. That isn't old. Many people at your age are vibrant and enjoy life with less burdens. I pray you are well and not apologizing to people because of something bad. Christmas is s difficult time for those who question. Negatives are magnified. I am trying to stay positive because that is who I am. If I can help you on your medical question, from a daughters point of view,I would be happy to research for you. Peace. ✌?️

[edman 24]

Thank you Edman

I am still following the thread though it has gone into a different direction. I was hoping for advice and understanding as well as a format to clear my head. I didn't think there would be flaming. I knew what I did was cheating. I was trying to convince myself on my sexuality and thinking swingers would be sympathetic and understanding. Maybe I should have gone to a LGBT forum.

You are in your 60s. That isn't old. Many people at your age are vibrant and enjoy life with less burdens. I pray you are well and not apologizing to people because of something bad. Christmas is s difficult time for those who question. Negatives are magnified. I am trying to stay positive because that is who I am. If I can help you on your medical question, from a daughters point of view,I would be happy to research for you. Peace. ✌️

 

OK I am glad you read my post. I saw your earlier post as well (TMI!), but that doesn't change my opinion. If you think you're getting flamed here, don't try Reddit/relationships. They would have crucified you by now. I don't have a daughter, but if you were my daughter I would be proud of how you handled this mistake.

[PSULioness 754]

OK I am glad you read my post. I saw your earlier post as well (TMI!), but that doesn't change my opinion. If you think you're getting flamed here, don't try Reddit/relationships. They would have crucified you by now. I don't have a daughter, but if you were my daughter I would be proud of how you handled this mistake.

 

Yeah I know TMI. I am still hoping. I came across this site on a search on threesomes. I figured it wasn't a porn site and swingers deal with all types of situations. I see plenty of posts now on jealousy and spouses that don't always like what the other does. I was hoping to learn. I learned that everyone has an opinion. I knew that.

[two4youinswva 3,067]

If you all don't want me on here because wife and I are vanilla, I understand and I will delete my account. I don't want to start any more argument like this.

 

As a member of the board for 14 years and a moderator for a large portion of that time, I will say that you are more than welcome to hang out here and post as you wish. It can be difficult to step up and take a different viewpoint, and I appreciate your willingness to put it out there.

[Guest luvin eye full]

lol this is getting out of hand now.

 

Edman - just because i disagree on some points does not mean i don't respect your point of view - If i only think of my point of view then do i really ever grow as a person? Just in this case for the posts i don't see it - does not mean i don't hold you view with value.

 

PSU - what i was tiring to point out to Edman and some others is that when you 1st posted you asked "is this swinging" - well no its not (from my point of view ) then we got into how other think differently to you more on the single / dating and what is or is not expected, you said that you had sleep with a few ( 2?) guys in the early stage of the dating and then this happened, what i am tiring to say is that some people will see that as cheating and some will not - your BF is one of the ones that does. This is not a witch hunt just tiring to help you see that just because you see it your way does not mean every one will.

 

Now that the post moved on and you say that you are sorry and want to make it better with the BF whom i believe you dearly love then i hope that he can find it in his hart to forgive - once again i tell you the same thing if it were myself i would try and work it out - but the BF needs time as you know.

 

Also if you read my posts again you will see that i do hope that the best for you will happen -

 

My main concern is that you are sorry for the right things like hurting the one you love - and you say you are.

Any thing else is tiring to show how some others minds work and what you think is "just a guy" is more then that to some people when you understand that you will be able to make better judgements concerning you own life, if you think that is just crap and i/we are just beaning a-holes to you then i am sorry as that is not what most of us are saying.

 

I hope the two of you can work though this and be happy again.

 

Regards

[Lionheart72 2,186]

I don't know what is happening now. I hope I see him Christmas but that isn't certain.

 

I hope everything works out. It may not work out the way you most want it, but we never know what the future holds. Best good fortune to you.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Can i ask What did your BF say when you told him?

He must of had reasons to break it off?

[PSULioness 754]

Luvin. He was quiet when I told him I had done something with Roomie. Then he asked where was Roomies friend. I told him he was in the bed. More questions that I answered truthfully. I think what set it him off was that when he asked if he used protection I said No. Honest I didn't know when it happened. I was involved with her and he got behind me and just did it. I didn't realize but I knew when he finished that he didn't use protection. That's when things escalated. How could I ? You don't know him? What if. What if. And went on. Me crying and apologizing. Him getting worked up. He just left.

[PSULioness 754]

Sandra

I don't think the problem is the friend of mine, my old roommate. He was more upset, I think, that I had sex with a guy I don't know. My Bf met her after we did what we did. No mention of that night. We were with others at a football party. My Roomie is very pretty IMO. I would like to be with her again. I think if we had a threesome I would want my bf involved. I know after what I did, I would want him involved. I can see in my head sharing him but there is doubt watching him and her going at it. I am just being honest.

[PSULioness 754]

Sandra

I didn't forget my BC lol. Actually know I'm not pregnant. I can't swear on it that the guy is clean. You can never be 100% sure though I am pretty sure. My boyfriend and I had sex since my crazy night. We have had plenty of sex. I didn't confess for a few weeks. The day I told him we had just had a great night. If there is damage from my being with that guy, it has already been done.

I have been invited to my roomies place to watch the Rose Bowl. Go PSU. There will be plenty of people there. The last time I was there, with my bf, luckily the other guy wasn't there. Nothing was said. I did wonder if anyone knew and also wondered which people there had my Roomie been with. I am sure she was with others, just don't know who. Our original plan was to go out there on New Year's Day. The game is on the 2nd. Now I don't know. If we are not talking, I may go myself. She has no idea what is going on with me and him.

[WesternSwing 504]

Technically, swinging is when a committed couple has sex with others, whether it's solo play, threesomes, moresomes, orgies, etc. Being that none of you were in a committed relationship with any other person in the threesome, it technically wouldn't be swinging as it's defined today (compared to the 1960's), but it's a great start.

 

As far as guilt, don't. You did nothing wrong. It was consensual with everyone involved and everyone had a good time.

 

Should you tell the guy your dating? You're not "serious" with him yet, just "dating". Unless you have a spoken monogamous relationship there is no harm, no foul. And even were, if you're not planning on doing this again with these people there is no reason to tell the guy your dating. For all you know, he's banging others, too.

 

That said, you obviously liked the threesome and at some point you'll probably want to do it again. So, when you start to become a couple with this guy you're dating you may want to breach the subject of the "what if's". It's a lot easier to say up front that this is something you'd like to explore and have the relationship start that way than to try to bring it up years later. Right now you have nothing to lose. The stakes are very low. A year from now you'll be more invested in him and the stakes will be higher. Mention that it doesn't have to happen today, but this is something you've enjoyed in the past (just don't tell him how recent a past) and something you know you'd like to do again.

 

And you're not alone. Surveys of couples have found that 1 in 5 couples in America have some kind of monogamish agreement, whether this is swinging, don't ask don't tell, cuckolding, fully open relationship, polyamory, or other forms of "open relationships".

[WesternSwing 504]

Luvin. He was quiet when I told him I had done something with Roomie. Then he asked where was Roomies friend. I told him he was in the bed. More questions that I answered truthfully. I think what set it him off was that when he asked if he used protection I said No. Honest I didn't know when it happened. I was involved with her and he got behind me and just did it. I didn't realize but I knew when he finished that he didn't use protection. That's when things escalated. How could I ? You don't know him? What if. What if. And went on. Me crying and apologizing. Him getting worked up. He just left.

 

This is victim behavior. He is victimizing himself and placing himself on a higher moral ground to "punish" you. I'm sure he's hurt, but these are things someone says when they are muscling for a morally superior advantage in a relationship. I'm sure he's had plenty of unprotected sex with other women in his life and this is the pot calling the kettle black.

 

Just my two cents worth, but decades of having relationships, most open, some not, I can say this is someone with a low emotional IQ. But then again, in my younger years I know I reacted the same way when I found out a partner had slept with someone else. It's emotional manipulation. I know. I did it. If he wasn't victimizing himself he'd be talking about why it happened and how do you move forward, if you move forward from here. He's making this about himself and not you as a couple.

[EastInWest 1,508]

It's emotional manipulation. I know. I did it. If he wasn't victimizing himself he'd be talking about why it happened and how do you move forward, if you move forward from here. He's making this about himself and not you as a couple.

 

Generally, my experience has been that there's no use getting angry about almost anything.

 

Unfortunately - and this may not be what OP wants to hear - that's because it's almost always my prerogative to leave a bad situation. I learned a long time ago to set a relatively low bar for not spending my time on something that isn't productive, and if something is actually angering me, it's probably because one or both of us is behaving in some kind of a toxic way. While it's certainly true that OP seems to describe her boyfriend throwing a tantrum, it's also true that having spur-of-the-moment unprotected sex with a near-stranger and then trying to rationalize it or minimize it is also pretty destructive behavior. He's got plenty of reason to be grumpy.

 

Maybe he'll feel better about it later, maybe he won't, but I feel like a handful of posts on this thread are trying to turn the situation around. "How dare he not forgive you for breaching his trust!" He's well within bounds to conclude that this simply isn't going to work and that it's not about them as a couple because being a couple is off the table. OP would definitely be running off half-cocked if she started viewing her boyfriend as the one with the main problem. I agree with your view that it's not exclusive until it is, but she also seems to clearly feel that they both believed it was exclusive. My hope is that OP learns from this and uses it to figure herself out rather than deflecting.

[PSULioness 754]

I'm not deflecting blame and I am not blaming him for being mad. I think there was a trust we had. Yes I enjoyed. I don't know if I want a threesome with another guy. I have only been with this one girl and I am not sure how I would feel doing what I did with another one. There is a confusion there. It was exciting and hard to explain. Do I want to have a go of it with my boyfriend or is that an excuse for wanting to be with her again. With thinking about it, the guy who was with us was just there. I wonder what just me and her would be like.

[EastInWest 1,508]

I'm not deflecting blame and I am not blaming him for being mad.

 

I don't want to be misunderstood: I don't think you are. I think you've done a good job of owning up. I just see where a couple of posts could be read as pushing in that direction and found the advice a little odd.

 

For your part, only you can figure out what you want, obviously, and being satisfied with your love life is important. Some people are just not particularly monogamous, and love and sex can be different things. There's a larger question over "should I work it out with this boyfriend", which is "what do I want my life to be like".

[WesternSwing 504]

While it's certainly true that OP seems to describe her boyfriend throwing a tantrum, it's also true that having spur-of-the-moment unprotected sex with a near-stranger and then trying to rationalize it or minimize it is also pretty destructive behavior. He's got plenty of reason to be grumpy.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with your here. Having unprotected sex in the heat of the moment in an unplanned sexual encounter is not self-destructive behavior, it is just poor judgement at the moment. Self-destructive behavior would be knowingly having unprotected sex with multiple strangers on a somewhat regular basis. So does her boyfriend have a reason to be grumpy, yes. But I don't think for the reason he is.

[EastInWest 1,508]

I have to respectfully disagree with your here. Having unprotected sex in the heat of the moment in an unplanned sexual encounter is not self-destructive behavior, it is just poor judgement at the moment. Self-destructive behavior would be knowingly having unprotected sex with multiple strangers on a somewhat regular basis. So does her boyfriend have a reason to be grumpy, yes. But I don't think for the reason he is.

 

Not self-destructive. Destructive in the context of the relationship. Obviously, that's going to leave a mark.

 

Maybe in her personal context, that encounter was absolutely what she wanted and it was the fulfilling thing to do, which raises questions about whether moving forward as a couple is even the desired goal. Obviously, we can't please everybody at once.

 

I mean, figuratively.

[Scaredstiff 128]

I think Sandra's idea is your best chance of winning him back, even up the score. Sounds immature I know but he's gonna be feeling a lot of jealousy and most of that jealousy will be because you had a threesome with someone other than him. If I was in that position I would be devastated, partly because my girl had done this behind my back and partly because this other guy got something I'd always fantasised about.

 

You say you don't know if you could handle seeing him with your room mate, that's the point where I started to lose sympathy because what you did to him is much worse, even the score and get him back, who knows if you'll become swingers, maybe not , but address the balance and you might get a second chance with him.

[machiavel55 80]

I'm sure he's had plenty of unprotected sex with other women in his life and this is the pot calling the kettle black.

 

.

 

She did say they were getting serious and that they are not swingers. In the vanilla world, being monogamous when the dating get serious is expected nad does not need to be discussed. So he felt betrayed and on top of that put at risk by her unprotected sex with a stranger which she only disclosed after weeks of sex with him. I really do not understand your comment about his unprotected sex with other women before meeting PSULioness. We do not know if he ever cheated unprotected on previous partners.

[machiavel55 80]

It's emotional manipulation. I know. I did it. If he wasn't victimizing himself he'd be talking about why it happened and how do you move forward, if you move forward from here. He's making this about himself and not you as a couple.

 

Manipulation to what end? They are not together anymore so he's not getting anything from his alleged emotional maipulation.

He just feels hurt and betrayed that's all. For him this is not acceptable so early in a relationship.

He may also once the hurt dissipates want to talk and understand what happened.

[Guest luvin eye full]

PSU

What all these post are saying is that there are two types of thought when dating. ( neither is good or bad just different )

When left in there own worlds every one gets along but when these two mind sets come together that's when you have problems as you have now.

 

Having said that what really is needed is to find out where his mind is at about you and any LR that may or may not still possible.

You say you have not talked to him? or is he blocking your calls/texts?

 

I would like to say once more that i think you are owning the problem and i commend you for that - no matter what happens you have gained a million points in my book ( not that it really matters to you now anyway )

 

Regards

[Guest luvin eye full]

I wasn't the problem either, but I could still apologize and be the catalyst for them to make up. After all, the best way to cross a chasm is to build a bridge. Trust me, her boyfriend was not happy my husband fucked her into next week either (but boy did she enjoy it !). I mentioned your situation with the other guy to Alex and he replied with this, if I had sone something similar : "Alright, you got caught up in a moment and had unprotected sex with this guy. Get some pregnancy test kits, just in case you forgot to take your pill, and we're not having sex for eight weeks, after which you'll get tested and see if you contracted anything.Lastly, you or your galpal are going to call this guy and see if he'll admit to having any STD, like herpes, that we need to know about." It would be a 'time to put on your big girl panties' moment. Then, after everything turned out to be okay, we'd have sex so intense the paint would peel off the walls and the neighbors would need a cigarette.

 

Lol can you get your god of a husband that is soooo good no girls can resist to *uck her again into next week so she can bring back the lotto numbers for me lol

Really you may of not knowing she had a BF but she did and that is cheating and you sound proud of it now,

May be its time to go and start all the painting that's needed lol

[Guy1964 177]

Lioness: I don't have any feedback on who was right or wrong, or what you should do. I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. Your pain is evident in your writing, and I sincerely hope things work out for the best for you, whatever they may be. When I've been through breakups, the hardest thing to remember was that I wasn't always going to feel the way I did then. One way or the other, we do heal, even though is seems like it'll never end. The good days come more often and the bad days become less often, until one day we can look back on it without the pain. It won't always hurt this bad, no matter what he does.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Well, it was me, Sandra, who, in that scenario, and just as part of the seduction, told her bf that no girl that I had ever pursued had turned me down. My husband wasn't there by choice and I had the threesome with his permission. I never would be proud of causing a cheating scenario. I was proud that I did fix it. Please make an effort to read a post thoroughly so you don't misunderstand the dynamics. Perhaps there's a language barrier, as you are from Australia .

 

So no lotto numbers then lol

 

No worries i understand exactly were your coming from - being a dual citizen of both the USA and Australia, perhaps it's just the USA Marine thinking that the 3 generations of men in the family passed down that may of let me down lol.

 

Though i did think its was great you think highly of your mans abilities - the rest was just string you up - which i should not of done -

but i really did want the lotto numbers so i could get someone to do the painting for you geez just tryin to be helpful .

[Bob250 74]

Thanks for the replies to my post. I am more in agreement with Fundamental Law's posts than the other posts. I just feel sorry for Lioness. Everyone makes mistakes. The posters are mostly beating her up for "cheating". She has lost her bf, that is punishment enough. She will learn from this; but maybe what she will learn is that it is better to keep a secret from, rather than lose, your boyfriend. She has been honest and it cost her.

Nobody should have to be applauded for being honest, and nobody should be surprised by people who view cheating as a deal breaker. If Lioness wanted to have a bisexual fling to satisfy her curiosity, then she should NOT be in an exclusive relationship , at the same time. If you are honest, then you don't have to end up like Lioness.

[Bob250 74]

Sandra

I don't think the problem is the friend of mine, my old roommate. He was more upset, I think, that I had sex with a guy I don't know. My Bf met her after we did what we did. No mention of that night. We were with others at a football party. My Roomie is very pretty IMO. I would like to be with her again. I think if we had a threesome I would want my bf involved. I know after what I did, I would want him involved. I can see in my head sharing him but there is doubt watching him and her going at it. I am just being honest.

Lioness, you will recall that in one of my first posts, I said that your BF would have more of a problem with you having sex with the man, than he would with you having sex with the girl. This should clue you in to which issue is the more important. Your sex with the girl...or your cheating with another man. Those posters who are advising you to deceive you partner aren't doing you any favors, they are setting you up for serious relationship problems , in the future. Let me state again, in BOTH a vanilla or a swinger relationship, honesty is the ONLY way for that relationship to be a positive one. Nobody here can show that a relationship based on deception is , in any way , a good thing. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, and don't let anyone tell you different.

[Bob250 74]

I would also state again, that IF you can get your BF to discuss what happened, and If you are honest with him , as you have been honest with us posters, I think that you can definitely work this out. THEN, you can discus boundaries for your relationship. One thing I am constantly amazed by, are people who get into relationships and will discus every detail, from financial to child-bearing, to the color of paint on the walls, but never discus sexual issues, beforehand? That would seem to me to be a "no-brainer".

[Guest luvin eye full]

Once again Bob250 we are in agreement,

 

I think it's very prudent to have the "talk" 1st up when starting to date and i think it is even more needed these days, now that i see that there is two different views an what is dating which back when i started dating the wife there was no question that it meant monogamous from the point you started dating - only if i did not work out would anyone think of looking else where.

 

This idea that some how it's ok to have sex with others and not have talked to your partner 2st is way beyond me or those i know, to some how justified seducing some you know is in a dating relationship but its OK because it's not serious is also over my head.

 

Having said that i do now except that others do not see it the way i do and while i dis-agree with them on this - i do respect there point of view - it's just not mine.

 

And no PSU I'm tiring to give you one more lecture - I'm just talking to Bob while awaiting the latest news from you.

 

Regards

[EastInWest 1,508]

i see that there is two different views an what is dating...This idea that some how it's ok to have sex with others and not have talked to your partner 2st is way beyond me or those i know

 

What threw this off was that OP said they were "starting to get serious".

 

That could mean anything. Most single people, I think, know where to go for sex while they're between committed relationships, and having coffee or drinks with someone a few times then ending up in bed doesn't imply anything more than "we had sex".

 

It's clearer now that they were exclusive, but initially it wasn't apparent if this guy was actually her "boyfriend" or just someone she was spending time with and had high hopes for, but who could just as easily take a job offer in another state or reconcile with his ex and be gone tomorrow.

 

Until you've gotten there, it's kind of optimistic and maybe a recipe for getting hurt to assume that someone called a stop on the rest of their personal life and is passing up other opportunities just to see if this pans out.

[Guest luvin eye full]

What threw this off was that OP said they were "starting to get serious".

 

That could mean anything. Most single people, I think, know where to go for sex while they're between committed relationships, and having coffee or drinks with someone a few times then ending up in bed doesn't imply anything more than "we had sex".

 

It's clearer now that they were exclusive, but initially it wasn't apparent if this guy was actually her "boyfriend" or just someone she was spending time with and had high hopes for, but who could just as easily take a job offer in another state or reconcile with his ex and be gone tomorrow.

 

Until you've gotten there, it's kind of optimistic and maybe a recipe for getting hurt to assume that someone called a stop on the rest of their personal life and is passing up other opportunities just to see if this pans out.

 

EastInWest

I see where that thought is coming from now that i realize some folks don't see dating the way myself or others that i know see it.

But honestly i never even considered that way of looking at it, maybe I'm like really old school lol or just plain different - but i am glad i now am starting to see this way of thinking as i can now understand more folks and where they are coming from - my only hope is that they can do the same for me.

 

I agree it was some what unclear as well - but i don't think my way of understanding was as good as it could of been - ( so much as the "laws of dating" are concerned for some folks )

To me it's straight out cheating no if or buts. Having said that i do really hope they can work it out anyway.

[findinganswers 356]

Let me congratulate Lioness on her openness. Here is a young lady, I would figure in her mid20's, who told of an experience, took ownership of what she did and wants to keep something she feels is precious, her boyfriend. I don't know anyone on this thread yet I feel it is mostly older men. I think some women have replied. I think what is a missing point, she has explored her sexuality. Granted she cheated with a man she just met. To me that was collateral damage. I do question if she would have owned just sleeping with her college roommate. My belief and I think she hinted at it is she wanted her boyfriend to know she had sex, same sex sex and she enjoyed the exploration. She doesn't want a free pass. I wonder on this thread how many of the posters were the one who suggested swinging. In my case it was my wife. It was hard for me to come to terms of her wanting this. I think she wanted to explore. Explore women was a major part. Maybe she wanted men too tho she has been with others before marriage. Women was something she explored before but was missing now. The original poster didn't look for sex. I am thinking that if the guy had started this she would have pushed him away. Maybe we the boyfriend is right to take time away. He is young and is most likely questioning the relationship. The positive is she told him and isn't hiding the facts. He has to feel good that she is honest.

I don't see any new posts from her. Wonder what Christmas brought.

[PSULioness 754]

We are back together. We spent Christmas with his and my families. I do still sense a chill. He was hurt. He believes me that what happened was not planned. He has thawed on what I did with my friend. I know he is pained about what else happened even when I tell him it was totally not something I encouraged. He asked me how I would feel if was with my friend. I was honest and said I don't know. I said if it were behind my back I would feel like him.

We have been invited to watch the Rose Bowl with most of the people we met last time. Last time he didn't know about of this. This time he will know about me and my friend and the guy involved might be there.

[edman 24]

We are back together. We spent Christmas with his and my families. I do still sense a chill. He was hurt. He believes me that what happened was not planned. He has thawed on what I did with my friend. I know he is pained about what else happened even when I tell him it was totally not something I encouraged. He asked me how I would feel if was with my friend. I was honest and said I don't know. I said if it were behind my back I would feel like him.

We have been invited to watch the Rose Bowl with most of the people we met last time. Last time he didn't know about of this. This time he will know about me and my friend and the guy involved might be there.

 

Hooray! Keep being honest, and try to use better judgement in the future (e.g. don't sleep in the same bed with a guy on the spur of the moment and expect nothing to happen... get a seperate room in the hotel). You both should realize that there is a significant possibility that you are bi-sexual (which would apparently be an advantage in this particular community) and that you are sexually adventurous, and talk about this a lot and whether it is something he can accept, since you probably can't change this (or shouldn't try). Do not ever do anything like this again that he doesn't know about and isn't encouraging or at least comfortable with.

 

Best wishes to you both.

[PSULioness 754]

Hooray! Keep being honest, and try to use better judgement in the future (e.g. don't sleep in the same bed with a guy on the spur of the moment and expect nothing to happen... get a seperate room in the hotel). You both should realize that there is a significant possibility that you are bi-sexual (which would apparently be an advantage in this particular community) and that you are sexually adventurous, and talk about this a lot and whether it is something he can accept, since you probably can't change this (or shouldn't try). Do not ever do anything like this again that he doesn't know about and isn't encouraging or at least comfortable with.

 

Best wishes to you both.

 

I have shared rooms and beds with couples before. I never had bisexual thoughts or a thought of being sexual with the guy in any of these times. It was usually a financial reason for sharing a room. It was never a sexual situation. The time this happened was a weather condition. They had a room, roads were bad, I drank too much and figured the morning would be all of us going home. I still don't know how it happened. I am not attracted sexually to women. Now I want to be with her again. I have to see if I want to do that.

[Bob250 74]

Lioness, I would pass on the Rose Bowl party if I were you. Lessee.... you will be there with your Boy Friend that you are trying to reconcile with.... the girl you are having sexual feelings about will be there...and possibly the guy you cheated on your bf with will be there...plus alcoholic beverages...... in an excited group setting........Gee.....what could possibly go wrong?

Maybe a better idea would be to go somewhere alone with your BF and do some communicating and bonding...and leave off the partying until AFTER you are on the same page> Maybe?