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JustAskJulie

Swingers, could you be open to poly?

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After being in the LS a bit longer and actually going to a meeting with the local poly group, I guess I think a bit differently about this.

 

It was my assumption that to be truly poly you had to live together. Then I meet these people in relationship where some live together, some live across town, many have lovers across the country. To this outsider it seems like a bunch of people with internet friends that they like to visit and fuck. And it sounded a lot like long distance swinging.

 

Of course there is no way to paint everyone's relationships with the same brush, but it surely expanded my thinking.

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The longer I'm in swinging the more I think 'poly' is a sham for most.

 

You have the poly which I've seen fail and cause problems constantly. Thats the living together kind, normally someone gets pissed and buggers off. It seems in the long run the only somewhat stable version is 1 male 2 females or 1 female 2 bi males.

 

Then you have the 'we say we are poly because it sounds better than swinging and we are friends' crowd. These are fine until someone actually DOES fall in love, then they go to hell.

 

I always get taken to task on these but I still stand by it. The IDEA of poly is great, I'm very open to the idea, the reality seems not so great.

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You know Chicup that I've never completely agreed with on this. I say completely because I've also seen things you've mentioned.

 

I was in a poly relationship for four years. Well a poly one for three of the for I suppose. I could have worked even longer otherwise.

 

I find the ones who are most truly comfortable with the lifestyle are those that have never fallen for the concept if monogamy at all.

 

It is very nice to see true compression and happiness in your SO's relationships with others. It's out there.

 

Vol

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For those who are currently swingers and are not in poly type relationships, do you think you could ever consider doing so? What would keep you from doing considering it? What would allow you to consider it?

 

There is often talk here about "falling in love with a swing partner" and how to avoid it, yet it seems that that is exactly what happens for many of the couples who end up in poly type relationships. In most cases they weren't seeking it and would have done their best to avoid it, but it happened and after talking about it with all parties, instead of closing the door and walking away they chose to see where it went. Do you feel you could do that?

 

I've mentioned before in the forums that prior to even started our swinging experiences, I knew that "falling in love with someone else" would be a possibility for myself. I tend to care about people easily and it can grow into emotional attachment. From the get-go, Mr. Sun has been uncertain about it and said, "If it happens, we'll deal with it." We had a slight brush with it early on in swinging and Mr. Sun, to his credit, tried to see if he would be okay with a poly situation growing between myself and a playmate but in the end, he wasn't so we ended it.

 

Personally, I am still interested in polyamory but I know that Mr. Sun will need to be more comfortable with the idea before we explore it again.

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So I never really got the idea of poly until we got close swinger friends, I must admit.

 

Now, at least I get it, I don't think it would be a lifestyle I would currently choose, but at least I understand the concept.

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Somehow I think I could totally handle this and would be open to it. I'm straight, and I share really very well.

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Same here. We've already had conversations with our naughty BFF's about how if anything happened to either of the guys, we hoped that the other couple would take care of the women. Not that we ever expect something to happen, but it's good to know that they would have a support group while going through this.

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I hate to bring up an old thread but since we are new to this site this is something that I personally (male here) want to happen just as long as the next male or female understands that they are not to make any attempt to steal my wife from out of under me.

 

I want this to happen because the end result for me is knowing that if something were every to happen to me I can die knowing that there will be someone there to be with my wife one that day comes.

 

I've thought about this many times and have actually cried over this because there is nothing I hate more in this world then having someone living alone.

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I hate to bring up an old thread but since we are new to this site this is something that I personally (male here) want to happen just as long as the next male or female understands that they are not to make any attempt to steal my wife from out of under me.

 

I want this to happen because the end result for me is knowing that if something were every to happen to me I can die knowing that there will be someone there to be with my wife one that day comes.

 

I've thought about this many times and have actually cried over this because there is nothing I hate more in this world then having someone living alone.

 

What is your wife's feeling about how she would want to live if you were to pass away before her?

 

I think it's pretty rare, even for poly people to have that level of comittment. There's no telling what life will bring, but I don't think that you could count on a poly relationship partner transforming into a live-in situation. I know quite a few people in poly quads. Some have been together for a few years, some have lasted a year or so and then imploded. I don't feel like they are a peace of mind insurance type situation.

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What is your wife's feeling about how she would want to live if you were to pass away before her?

 

I think it's pretty rare, even for poly people to have that level of commitment. There's no telling what life will bring, but I don't think that you could count on a poly relationship partner transforming into a live-in situation. I know quite a few people in poly quads. Some have been together for a few years, some have lasted a year or so and then imploded. I don't feel like they are a peace of mind insurance type situation.

 

That I have not asked her but she definitely knows how I feel about it. I can say that she is not the type of person that likes being alone because she was for many many years in her early adult life. She has even told me that she felt like that the way things went she would never get to spend her life with someone. She did finally marry someone but the guy turned out to be a jerk and they got divorced, then spent many more years alone. She is not of the social type when it comes to life outside of work. Why? I've asked that myself. She has never told me directly but I think it may be a security thing regarding her looks. I'm sure I will get smacked for this but with her weight sometimes could be the issue.

 

I know that there is the chance that it may not work out but I will have at least tried my best to make sure that it doesn't happen to her ever again. She has nothing to worry about while I am here but we are 7 and a half years different in age with me being the oldest.

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Yes. I'm in one. Me and three women.

 

With us it's two guys and three women.

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Last fall we entered into a poly triad with our best male friend. My wife and I have played with him for over 30 years, and have also done a lot of vanilla things together. That means that we have a lot of history together and really know each other. If I died, I am fairly sure my wife would not marry him, but I am sure he and my wife would continue to hang around together a lot. One of the nice things about having a long marriage, 48 yrs for us, is that you have all those memories of what you have done together. Losing those memories would be very hard. Since the three of us have known each other for about 35 years and played together for 30 years, we three have a lot shared memories which would help my wife. Our friend's wife died unexpectedly 3 years ago and I know how much our closeness with him over the years has helped him.

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Last fall we entered into a poly triad with our best male friend. My wife and I have played with him for over 30 years, and have also done a lot of vanilla things together. That means that we have a lot of history together and really know each other. If I died, I am fairly sure my wife would not marry him, but I am sure he and my wife would continue to hang around together a lot. One of the nice things about having a long marriage, 48 yrs for us, is that you have all those memories of what you have done together. Losing those memories would be very hard. Since the three of us have known each other for about 35 years and played together for 30 years, we three have a lot shared memories which would help my wife. Our friend's wife died unexpectedly 3 years ago and I know how much our closeness with him over the years has helped him.

 

I could accept this scenario because it does provide as in your case, a very close friend, what true love means.

 

I love my wife like no other person and I do not want her to be alone. Ever.

 

I am very sorry for what had happened in your case but am very happy to hear that you and your wife continue to be as close as you are with your friend. Sure, some may still consider this as a swinging relationship but swingers have one thing on their mind in general and that is just sex. What you and your wife are doing is well beyond that. You truly care about this man and his well being and this is something I would be ok with regarding my wife in a poly relationship with another male or a couple.

 

Yes, there could be issue that come about like in a normal loving/caring relationship like any marriage but someone would be there for her in the immediate aftermath upon my passing. I would like to think before I leave this Earth that she will not be left alone.

 

Your poly triad, hell the poly lifestyle friendship itself is why I have so much respect for people that opt to live this lifestyle. Folks truly can not show much they care for their fellow human beings as much as those that do in a poly relationship as well as committed couples in general.

 

Again, I am sorry for what happened in your lives but I think you now know why I posted what I did the other day.

 

I wish the three of you continued success in life. I'm sure his wife is smiling down at you two everyday as well as thanking you folks for allowing him to share his life with you both.

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Last fall we entered into a poly triad with our best male friend. My wife and I have played with him for over 30 years, and have also done a lot of vanilla things together. That means that we have a lot of history together and really know each other. If I died, I am fairly sure my wife would not marry him, but I am sure he and my wife would continue to hang around together a lot. One of the nice things about having a long marriage, 48 yrs for us, is that you have all those memories of what you have done together. Losing those memories would be very hard. Since the three of us have known each other for about 35 years and played together for 30 years, we three have a lot shared memories which would help my wife. Our friend's wife died unexpectedly 3 years ago and I know how much our closeness with him over the years has helped him.

 

I just wanted to mention that my wife and our poly friend Bill had a play-date Sunday afternoon. Both of them had a wonderful time and I was glad to drop off my wife at his house and pick her up afterwards. One thing that is important to all of us is that we have not only threesomes but that my wife and Bill have some alone play-dates without me. That allows a lot more intimacy between the two of them. I think it's great.

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I should mention that my wife and I are going on a three week vacation to attend our son's wedding and do some visiting with friends from 30 plus years ago. Bill and my wife's play-date last Sunday was just a last hurrah until we return.

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Last fall we entered into a poly triad with our best male friend. My wife and I have played with him for over 30 years, and have also done a lot of vanilla things together. That means that we have a lot of history together and really know each other. If I died, I am fairly sure my wife would not marry him, but I am sure he and my wife would continue to hang around together a lot. One of the nice things about having a long marriage, 48 yrs for us, is that you have all those memories of what you have done together. Losing those memories would be very hard. Since the three of us have known each other for about 35 years and played together for 30 years, we three have a lot shared memories which would help my wife. Our friend's wife died unexpectedly 3 years ago and I know how much our closeness with him over the years has helped him.

 

I'm currently single and looking for a spouse that would swing and also bond with select lovers emotionally to a limited extent. I'd rather not be in a relationship where all of the sweet courtship things are done with other lovers, like Valentines Day and holidays together. Even overnighters might be a bit much. Feeling a bond though? I'm fine with that.

I say this after swinging with couples through my 20's, then being a staple in a very social poly community for 7 yrs. I'm wore out on egalitarian polyamory, for the most part.

 

I could gradually over years shift into something like oc1234 has, but it would be a plan B with super sound people. It's not what I'd seek out.

 

I like discussing how to walk that line between swinger and poly, yet not get into all the courtship rituals with side lovers.

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I haven't read all the replies since 2009, but I thought I'd just put my own thoughts and experiences out there. Mr. intuition and I are poly in theory, but not in practice. At least I don't think so. I have made it clear, at least from my end, that he is encouraged to find good experiences wherever he can. I want this for him. This includes other relationships if he wants them. I just want his life to be full and complete and happy. We haven't discussed this at length yet, but I think it's probably an area that needs to be addressed.

 

Frankly, anyone who has dabbled in swinging should at least make a cursory visit to the Poly forum. Sex and emotional attachment are traditionally entangled, and it's one of the social trainings that we need to unlearn. They've been ingrained in us from the get-go, and they're in there deep enough that we owe it to ourselves to devote some time to introspective study, to determine how we really feel, and what we really believe for ourselves. If you discover that, in fact, you don't see how to disconnect love and physical affection, then don't try to. All that's left to determine is whether or not you're monogamous or polygamous.

 

I think that, while I have a lot of love to give, I find it difficult to attach myself to someone. Mr. intuition is one of the few people who has ever been up to the task of being relied upon to that degree. I simply can't entrust someone with that much of myself. And I realize that, if he dies before I do, I don't know what will be left of me. I've given away as much of my heart as I can afford without losing myself. I have nothing left to give anyone else, other than warmth and affection. It's genuine love, the universal kind, but it's not an attached kind of love. Does that make any sense? I don't need to make a life with someone to genuinely love them.

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My wife fell in love with the first man I talked her into having sex with. Our first time, her first time, couldn't have been more perfect.

 

It took me a long time trying to talk her into trying it and when she did she LOVED it!

 

Over time he moved in with us and the three of us slept together in the same bed. We shared her equally. It was as if she had two husbands.

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Hi all!

 

We might be dealing with this right now. My wife is currently overseas swinging for the first time while I am back here with the house and kids.

 

She told me she had the same physical connection she had the last time they met and started being attracted to each other. Theyn have talked and emailed continuously since last summer. They are having lots of sex according to her texts and emails. It sounds like some emotional feelings are starting to develop between them. After a week together alone on vacation, I can imagine they will have more than just a swinging connection.

 

If they want to become non-primary partners or my wife in the middle of a V, do you have any advice on how to do it long distance? It's a little expensive to have them get together in person on a regular basis. Thanks for the thread and advice.

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When I travel to see someone on my own, the guy I'm seeing pays for it.

If all three of you believe that that's fair then there's your solution to the expensive problem.

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Thanks Judy39. We’re actually okay paying for part of the trip (not sure if you can go Dutch with three people;) ) and he did pay for transportation and other amenities.

 

It’s just a long distance from Africa to Minnesota. He has a good job but his salary is nowhere near a western wage. We were thinking about my wife meeting him in Europe next time, which is more affordable for us and him.

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For Babe and I, no. Its not a question about whether we can feel affection, attachment, or love for couples we might play with. I'm sure we can and will. Its about where we want to invest our romantic capital. Love may be boundless, but time and energy are not. As a result, we've chosen to focus our emotional investment on one another. We've achieved a very deep bond and are very in tune with one another and maintaining that requires a lot of hard work. That doesn't mean we don't want to find other couples we care for, but we prefer to define them as friends and playmates rather than lovers. Its simpler, clearer, and less cumbersome that way. For us, at least. If poly works for others, more power to them.

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I see by the responses the replies to this thread are many years old so this thread is dead already. Yet I felt compelled to answer for the both of us. We are not very excited about just swinging once and done. It has happened once for us and may happen again in the future when we just want to get naughty and get after another partner(s) but for us we are very poly minded. I am not able to understand the insecurities of so many of the replies so far. What makes it fun is to take that other person into our relationship and love him or her as our own. Our love is not that fragile that we have to be threatened by our partner professing a love for our exclusive sex partner(s). We had a male that stayed exclusive to us for over 2 years and now we have a oouple that are the only ones we see. We are able to mix social with sexual in our poly attitude toward swinging

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Great question. I never seriously considered poly in a sense of living together because of the practicalities. I just don't know how it would work in a way that would make and keep everyone happy. Seems really complicated.

 

However I would, and I do, let myself experience and enjoy whatever feelings and emotions come with swinging relationships. Sometimes it's just great fun and awesome sex, and sometimes it's more than that. All is fine. Life is for living :rollseye:

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Being a dominant I have been in an assortment of relationships and had many men. I have no problem having sex with more than one male. My male now is submissive and open to bring in another guy. I think a male top will serve the purpose. Having two guys mixing it up and paying the household expenses will enable me to play more.

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I continue to find it difficult to interpret peoples’ various definitions of polyamory. I’m sorry, but my understanding is that it is a long-term love relationship shared among several people. In other words, more than just multiple fuck buddies.

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We are open to it. I think it would have to be with a couple. Not one of us finding a person and then the other finding a person.

I don’t know that I need or want full Poly. But a caring loving friendship with a couple is very desired.

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We long thought that poly wasn’t really the sort of thing we would do, until it did. We had a great two-year poly relationship with another woman. We stopped with the swinger side of things during this time because she wasn’t comfortable with it, and it was worth the redirection to have what we had. I think it isn’t normally something we would be looking for, but it was nice to have when we did.

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If I had loved you less or played you slyly

I might have held you for a summer more,

But at the cost of words I value highly,

And no such summer as the one before.

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We tried the poly thing for a very short period of time but my wife wasn’t having it. There was alot of jealousy and comparison to how I treated the other girl and my wife. We still see the girl when she comes to town for some fun but that’s it. I wish it was different but don’t know how to get my wife on board

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Poly not our thing. Fine if others can manage it and enjoy it.

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This is a question directed mainly to couplers.

What I read in forums and books on this topic, as well as my own gut feeling is this.

What I would think of as a "true" Poly relationship , is more permanent and psychologically/emotionally deep than what most forum type questions address. That such a relationship is a lot more rare than just a longish standing FWB situation.

 

Two things follow from that.

First it is far more likely to flow from chance, like most of us met our spouses.

Second is that the term Polyamory is about as closely defined ,for most,as the term "soft swing".

I have had sexual friends, some of whom I have been quite close to, with the blessing of my wife. None of these relationships ,save one, come very close to what I recognize as love in my own life.

 

Am I thoroughly confused or not?

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For those who are currently swingers and are not in poly type relationships, do you think you could ever consider doing so?

 

No. Nada. Nyet. Nein.

 

What would keep you from doing considering it?

 

A relationship with one other person is enough to think about. (Can't speak for Harriet, but it hasn't come up.) I have a lot of interests that have nothing to do with sex, relationships or another person's cooperation and feelings. Having a secure relationship with one other person and then going out and having recreational sex together every now and then just for fun keeps any potential drama to a minimum.

 

Like, how much fun is it to have several interconnected relationships occupy time you could use to be doing something more intersting than thinking about relationships? That's why I've never dated more than one person at a time and why I could never cheat on Harriet. Those things are way too much effort and require more than twice the amount of thinking than a single relationship with one other person.

 

What would allow you to consider it?

 

A severe brain injury.

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We're just not wired for that.

 

We knew when we started playing with a single female that there was a possibility she'd get too close or that it'd become dramatic, and while I don't know exactly what was said, I know Mrs. E sat her down after the second session and made sure she knew that while she was welcome to drop by, it's an activity to do together as an extension of their friendship, that letting her hang out wasn't to jeopardize their friendship, and that there was nothing going on besides their friendship.

 

It's just much better to have that kind of clarity, at least for us. She's single and should be focused on other men, and we needed to be sure she wouldn't start using us as a filler relationship or thinking like she isn't single and expecting more of us than we can deliver. We don't have ongoing play with single males, but if we did, it'd have to be the same way.

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This is a question directed mainly to couplers...

What I would think of as a "true" Poly relationship , is more permanent and psychologically/emotionally deep than what most forum type questions address...

Being poly is less about sex and more about the relationship. Our poly family is bonded by our commitment to each other. We own our home together, share finances, the women have children with both the men, and we have made legally binding provisions to take care of all the children regardless of parentage. We have nursed the other's babies. Although it started with my husband & me and the "others," David and I no longer see one another as the primary relationship. We women are Lesbian as well. We are a family who conscientiously decided to make ourselves intertwined. Hope that helps.

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That's the thing about poly relayionships that makes my head spin. It's more like a great topic for a dissertation by a mathematics PhD candidate interested in graph theory.

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couplers, Thank you for your answer. What you describe is what I envision as polyamory.

 

Most of what I see touted as polyamory is more open relationship, at least in my frame of reference.

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We are recently in a poly relationship and it has evolved each week for the past 6 months. We now live together and are fully involved with each other. It’s not something we get hung up on defining or explaining to others.

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If something is working for you and the 3 of you are having fun, why waste time trying to label it. Just enjoy for as long as it's good.

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Guest

Have tried it a 3 or 4 times before, would love to try again but doubt I'll ever get that chance now

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    • By Bluespruce1
      We have been playing with a couple for about five years on and off. We see them at our club, at some resorts and at local house parties. Wherever we are, she always seeks out my husband. We have all been together many times and I enjoy her husband very much, but for my husband and I, it’s literally just sex.
       
      She is very different with my husband lately than with her other partners. I believe she has fallen for him. When I see them together, she is very passionate and attentive to him in ways that I don’t see when she’s with other men. My husband rolls with it and is always a pleaser.
       
      We don’t want to make things uncomfortable or lose their friendship, but we are getting uncomfortable with the notion that she may be interested in a deeper relationship than we have experienced with other partners.
       
      Should we just go with it? I’m not sure I can handle sharing him that way and I don’t think he’s interested in that type of relationship either. Thoughts about when the sex leads to something more?
    • By Bluespruce1
      So we took in a very good friend about six weeks ago following a very ugly split with her ex. We have know both of them for about ten years and started playing together about three years ago. I actually have known her much longer and before we started hanging out as couples.
       
      Anyway, things have evolved to a point where we are sharing our bed 4-5 nights per week. We are playing together and separately. For example, in the morning it’s not unusual for me to come out of the shower and find her and my husband snuggling, touching and even fucking. I actually love seeing them together and have no feelings of jealousy. She and I are doing the same and actually took the day off Wednesday and simply spent the day in bed alone while he was at work. It’s not all about sex, but it’s clear that she really loves him and I think he feels the same about her. I know that I care deeply for her and may actually be in love as well.
       
      We prepare meals together, hang out in the evenings together, play together and still swing separately, but it is definitely decreasing. Everything feels very natural and relaxed and we are all content - have we found ourselves slipping into a true polyamorous relationship? I never really thought about it and we were talking about it last night.
       
      Thoughts? Warnings? This is uncharted territory.
    • By Fla-swing99
      This is the wife half asking this question. Am I correct in the definition of a poly in the fact that it means you believe you can love more than one person at the same time?
       
      If so, I am a little confused on how that can be. I guess I always felt that if you are truly in love your heart and soul is to that one person. How can you love more than one person at once and still feel that it is really love to both or either person?
       
      Please don’t take my question as a negative one, I am just very curious and would love to learn about how it works. I have only recently learned or heard about the lifestyle of polyamores, so I am intrigued and curious to learn a bit more on it. Also how then do you feel that you have met your soulmate, or do you believe there is no such thing or even possibly more than one soulmate for you?
       
      Thank you for any replies that may help me to understand this better.
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