Am I being played, and does she just want him?

[jtboy 15]

Ok, I'll start by saying my wife and I are new to this.

 

My wife has recently revealed to me after 12.5 yrs of marriage that she has a fantasy. Shortly before that, we reestablished a friendship with a couple that we had been out of contact with for about 10 yrs.

 

Our situation is that her fantasy is 3some with 2 guys, me and someone else. I am not completely comfortable with it all but am open-minded enough to at least consider options.

 

She has said she wants it to be with someone she knows and trusts. I, on the other hand, prefer stranger, but am willing to be open-minded.

 

We truly only have 1 friend that she knows and trusts. It's the guy from our recently re-established friendship. He is married and I know he has a 'thing' for her. Believe she has a 'thing' for him, but doubt she would go behind my back.

 

My current career has me traveling often and for long periods. Leaving her alone.

 

He has displayed in the (very distant) past an attempt to go behind my back. My wife has also displayed a propensity to 'forget to mention' to me that she has been around him when I am at work, gone to store, etc..., particularly when I otherwise wouldn't know (Sometimes, when I come home for lunch, he occasionally randomly stops by, because he works in the area, whereas I do not. I have, more than once, come home to find him there, unbeknownst to me.)

 

They constantly flirt, whether it be in the company of me or others. I have many questions about this.

 

1) Am I being played, and does she just want him? If not, if this is truly her fantasy, should he be the one, considering the baggage?

 

2) If the most important thing in fantasy satisfaction is succumbing to satisfy the mind of the person with the fantasy, should I be more convinced to allow it to be him.

 

3) If it is decided upon to continue, what is the traditional way in which to extend the invitation? She argues that she would feel uncomfortable if I were present when she invited him, and additionally that he would probably be too, but I contest that if I were not present I would feel as though she is going behind my back. I have told her I would compromise on this one too...

 

4) Am I compromising too much in an attempt to let her fulfill her fantasy, or am I complicating the situation?

 

5) Last question for this post, looking for input on if anyone out there thinks I should just let her & him have a go.

[Chicup 38]

Lets see....

 

Married friend so it would be him cheating on his wife.

 

Likes to hang with your wife and your wife doesn't like to mention it.

 

Likes to pop by unexpectedly.

 

Wife brings up the threesome.

 

Sets rules where only he would fit the bill.

 

You think he is willing to go behind your back.

 

Do we REALLY need to spell this one out for you?

[jtboy 15]

Good to know my concerns aren't an overexaggeration or an excessive analysis of the situation...as I have a tendency to do. I was kinda looking for a more outside-the-box answer from a more experienced person. Not to say that you're reply will go ignored, because I do thank you for it...but I already saw that. I was hoping that someone could see something that I didn't, because I am concerned and open-minded about satisfying her fantasy, but at the same time have this overwhelming need to ensure, how do you say, protection of the true sanctity of my marriage (because to me the marriage is not so much about the sex as it is the love, and I understand that is not how everyone else in the world views it...as it is, the majority view the two as inseperable.)

[prettylady 221]

Sorry friend,

I tried to see it different then Chicup, but I can not find another answer for you.

I need to ask, where does the other wife fit in here?

If you are comfortable letting a man, (who commented that he tried to make a move on your wife) being with your wife. How can you or your wife be comfortable allowing this type of activity behind another persons back, exspecially if it is making you uncomfortable just the thought of him "possibly" crossing bounderies while you are not there.

I don't like what I am seeing here with regards to your wife, friend, and the lack of respect for the inoccent bystander who is possible completly clueless about these "visits". If your wife "forgets" to mention it to you, do you think your friend is "forgetting" to mention it to his wife.

Sorry friend,

Like I said, I really don't see a good end here.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[confunktion 19]

I have to go with chicup and prettylady on this one. No matter how you twist and turn it, there are so many pitfalls and traps, not even Indiana Jones could get through this one...especially not now, as he is old, and I'm sure his whip is all frayed and weak and stuff, but I digress...

 

Odds are the other wife will be out of the loop if it goes down, and an encounter between your wife and this guy increases the chances of future "drop bys" by this dude when you aren't around. It's sometimes amazing how much the appetite increases when one gets a little taste.

 

For you and for your marriage (and for the others' marriage, really), walk away from this and try another path. Best of luck to you.

 

Mr. Funk

Crap - here comes a boulder!

[prettylady 221]

RUN MR FUNK RUN!!!!

I always thought Indiana Funk (sorry Jones) was hot.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[confunktion 19]

RUN MR FUNK RUN!!!!

I always thought Indiana Funk (sorry Jones) was hot.

Your friend,

Prettylady

Excuse me while I put on my leather jacket and fedora...

 

Mr. Funk

Off to find some rare treasures.

[lovinher 505]

If it looks like shit and it smells like shit......

[MoonLightKiss 28]

I am with the others on this one. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. And Chicup is right. There really is no other way to spell it out. And for me, (DISCLAIMER: and this is just me and the way that I am, no way implying that you should or should not do this) ANY "friend" of mine that tried to go behind my back and get with my husband, would not be a friend, and there would be no reconciliation 1 year, 2 years, 10 years or at any other time later. My husband, who neglected to tell me would be stripped down and horsewhipped for all to see as well. There are many times a woman will flirt with him. First thing he does, tell me. I usually look at him and go "Is she bi? wanna invite her over?" (Which is just a joke) but it is no big deal to me because he is honest about it. Honesty being the core of swinging successfully. Doesn't sound like everyone is being honest from your post. So again TRAIN WRECK coming in my opinion of going forward.

[Michael 12 15]

I agree with evertone else, except for one thing... THIS TRAIN WRECK HAS ALREADY HAPPENED!

It sounds as if your wife has already been "entertaining" your "friend" and figures if she can get your "OK" to do him alone it will justify the whole matter in her mind.

I think I'd confront her about what has been happening at these "drop bys", and I'll bet she spills the beans, she doesn't care about the other wife, and neither does he

[keysync 15]

I must add my $.02 here.

The point about the appetite increasing after given a taste is an understatement.

My wife and I have had a mfm a few times with friends.

I'm not saying it was bad or that we won't do it again but unfortunately we now get the vibe that when we call that guy to see if him and his wife wanna do something on a weekend evening it seems as if it's expected. So watch out.

There is a chance that if you let your wife fulfill her fantasy. You may end up being a cuck.

Ofcourse if that's your thing then more power to you. but if it's not. It's better to know now then after.

[THB 15]

Kudos for wanting to work with your wife on her fantasies, but this scenario sounds all wrong to me. Your feelings (nervous, suspicious) are out of sync with your motives (noble, curious) and those things need to be all in line first before you take the leap of swinging. Your wife needs to check her motives and feeling too, and the TWO of you need to be in sync.

 

Does that sound complicated? Yup. It is complicated. That's why caution is so important.

 

Swinging is a liberating, exciting, fun experience, but only if everyone is on the same page. Good luck to you both.

[jtboy 15]

Thank you all for your advice. I was kinda hoping that maybe I was just off kilter a bit and that if I sought advice, you could steer me more correct, but it appears as though my 'issues' with this are justified. Now it may have been the wrong decision to let me wife read my post, but I believe that is what being open is all about. She says that she doesn't have a 'thing' for him and also says that he has never been around him without her or him having let me know at the time. Which I known to be a false claim...either way, with your advice, I think it's pretty clear what the right thing to do is. Once again, thank you all.

[Alura 2,766]

Wise choice, JTBoy.

 

If we were in your situation, the only way we'd consider a threesome with such a friend would be if his wife were an active and enthusiastic participant.

 

One of the delicious aspects of swinging with couples is that you can take turns with threesomes. Everybody gets to be "it."

 

Hold your ground. You're right.

 

Mr. Alura

[subtoMistressT 22]

Ok, I'll start by saying my wife and I are new to this. My wife has recently revealed to me after 12.5 yrs of marriage that she has a fantasy. Shortly before that we re-established a friendship with a couple that we had been out of contact with for about 10 yrs. Our situation is that her fantasy is 3some with 2 guys, me and someone else. I am not completely comfortable with it all but am openminded enough to at least consider options. She has said she wants it to be with someone she knows and trusts. I, on the other hand, prefer stranger, but am willing to be open-minded. We truly only have 1 friend that she knows and trusts. It's the guy from our recently re-established friendship. He is married and I know he has a 'thing' for her. Believe she has a 'thing' for him, but doubt she would go behind my back. My current career has me travelling often and for long periods. Leaving her alone. He has displayed in the (very distant) past an attempt to go behind my back. My wife has also displayed a propensity to 'forget mention' to me that she has been around him when I am at work, gone to store, etc..., particularly when I otherwise wouldn't know (Sometimes, when I come home for lunch, he occasionally randomly stops by, because he works in the area, whereas I do not. I have, more than once, come home to find him there, unbeknownst to me.) They constantly flirt, whether it be in the company of me or others. I have many questions about this. 1) Am I being played, and does she just want him? If not, if this is truly her fantasy, should he be the one, considering the baggage? 2) If the most important thing in fantasy satisfaction is succumbing to satisfy the mind of the person with the fantasy, should I be more convinced to allow it to be him. 3) If it is decided upon to continue, what is the traditional way in which to extend the invitation? She argues that she would feel uncomfortable if I were present when she invited him, and additionally that he would probably be too, but I contest that if I were not present I would feel as though she is going behind my back. I have told her I would compromise on this one too...4) Am I compromising too much in an attempt to let her fulfill her fantasy, or am I complicating the situation? 5) Last question for this post, looking for input on if anyone out there thinks I should just let her & him have a go.

Well first and foremost you really need to sit down with your wife and ask her all these very same questions specifically. That is the only place to go in the swinging scene. You have to be open and honest with each other first. You need to be comfortable with who you are and who she is. The first emotion I think most people need to confront in swinging is jealousy. I think you have to get through this emotion on so many levels to allow yourself and her to have a good time. The same goes for her. Until you talk to her, and sit down and have an open frank discussion with her you will remain at an impasse. So the first step is to open your communication lines and get some ideas about the boundries you will tolerate with each other. My2cents.

[Tybee Swing 286]

They constantly flirt, whether it be in the company of me or others.

 

She argues that she would feel uncomfortable if I were present when she invited him, and additionally that he would probably be too, but I contest that if I were not present I would feel as though she is going behind my back.

 

Hi jtboy,

 

Have you and your wife only discussed this thing with regard your married friend, or have you and your wife discussed swinging, in general? It sounds like the former, and sounds like she's looking for "permission to cheat" with this one guy, rather than for the two of you sharing a lifestyle together.

 

When you started out discussing this, were you thinking along the lines of a MFM scenario? It seems that your wife has something else entirely in mind.

 

I agree with everybody else and you already got more than enough advice. I just wanted to add that it sounds like you and your wife aren't on the same page in the discussion.

 

This board can be a great tool to learn what swinging is all about. This board answers a lot of questions, and using the "search" feature can bring you to threads on virtually any topic that could come up. What if you and your wife continue to talk? How about sitting down with her and reviewing threads here? It could open new doors. Search the word "cheating" here, and you'll find tons of information that will explain how swingers generally feel about playing with married people going behind their spouse's back (as your friend seems to be doing).

 

If your friend would cheat on his wife, he'd likely cheat on you, his friend, by going behind your back.

 

Take care. I hope you let us know how this all unfolds for you.

[iapr 24]

You really don't need us to actually spell this out for you do you? This is not swinging. This is a somewhat sick and twisted plot for two people that have the hots for each other to get it on and they are trying to make it look like you went along with it to keep themselves out of divorce court.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Thank you all for your advice. I was kinda hoping that maybe I was just off kilter a bit and that if I sought advice, you could steer me more correct, but it appears as though my 'issues' with this are justified. Now it may have been the wrong decision to let me wife read my post, but I believe that is what being open is all about. She says that she doesn't have a 'thing' for him and also says that he has never been around him without her or him having let me know at the time. Which I known to be a false claim...either way, with your advice, I think it's pretty clear what the right thing to do is. Once again, thank you all.

 

The part in bold is what tells me that she is not on the right page for swinging. Honesty, as many here could probably say, is the backbone for swinging and doing it in a manner that will not cause a lot of problems. The fact that you know she is being less than truthful should really raise alarms. Until she can be completely honest and forthcoming and you with her, swinging should be put on the back burner. IMO anyway.

 

When venturing into swinging, ALOT of questions are going to be asked on both sides. The answers need to be completely honest. Until this is possible swinging shouldn't be. Again, just my opinion. But if my husband could not be honest with me about a "friend" showing up unnannounced, there is no way I could believe that he would be honest about the hard questions swinging will raise.

 

I applaud your ability to be open minded enough to want to fulfill her fantasy. And I also applaud her for coming to you with it rather than just doing it behind your back. But for some reason I get this niggling feeling you are not being told the whole truth. Like iapr I am beginning to question motives here. I am by no means accusing anyone of anything. It simply sounds as if maybe there is more to the story than you are being told judging from what you have written. I could be completely wrong though. Wouldn't be the first time either. But if it were me in your shoes, I would be asking my spouse a whole lot of questions and have a whole lot of suspicions running through my mind. Again though, I could be wrong. You are there and know more about the situation than I do. Good luck to you in this and good luck to your wife.

 

MLK

[dingdong69 15]

jtboy, just some words that you could share with your spouse, marriage and swinging have pretty strong bases amongst them; honesty, commintment, love for each other, not the lack of it. just my two cents

[keysync 15]

Dito

[joaninla 159]

I will say that our first MFM was with a friend - a better friend of mine than my husband. That it was a friend made a (nervous) situation much better for me, and for the two of them too!

[clutch 27]

Hey itboy,

 

Don't even know if you're still reading these. But just in case... sometimes things can get confusing...especially around sex and things of the heart.

 

I've learned to recognize when I'm in the forest, and I know that at that time, it is safe to let others, who are out of the forest, to see the trees for me and to trust their judgement.

 

And I'm guessing your intuition is telling you something, too, or else you wouldn't have put this situation out on the swingersboard.

 

So regarding this situation with the other guy that you know, I would definitely back way off.

 

At the top of this page (or any page on swingersboard) is some different catagories in boldfaced type--one of them being swinger advice. I would show this to your wife and use it as a springboard for some indepth discussion.

 

And, for down the road, I personally really like MFM, but it's not necessarily for everyone, and, I would say, definitely not appropriate in the case you're describing. And I don't know if I'd do it if both couples weren't all together at the time and all enjoying themselves one way or another together during the mfm.

 

Best of luck. Study together and talk together.