Wife knew best friends have been swinging for years

After just entering into this with our close friends, I now know my wife has been aware of their lifestyle for years. What I thought was something our friends confided to us a few months ago was something that my wife and her friend had planned. I should have known that my wife knew. The 2 women know everything about everything. My wife finally told me that she knew the first time her now husband and took her to her first lifestyle meeting. She just told me and said she just couldn't tell me all these years about her friend, our friends for more years than I can remember. Looking back I feel stupid for not catching on.

So why now? My wife said that though she was curious, she didn't know if she could and whether I could handle it. I think she was right. Part of me is saying, wow, I could have done her friend 10 years ago, both of us younger. What brought up the info is that my wife has been slow to do things in our newfound lifestyle. We have only been with these friends. My wife feigned surprise when our friends told us what they do but she was in on the conversation from the start. I am pretty sure now that it was my wife that kept the conversation going but made me feel that I was the one who wanted to try. And we did do it after we discussed it. And we did it a second time. I noticed the first time that my wife was hesitant to do some things. I was more fully involved with her best friend. My wife received oral from both but didn't give. After she told me that she wasn't into giving a bj and wasn't interested in oral on her friend. She said maybe she could or maybe not in the future. The second time, my wife did oral to him and was more active in the sex.

For me I had a tinge of jealousy. I had watched more intently this time. I was happy my wife was enjoying, I kept saying to myself. I told my wife about my feelings and that opened the conversation of why she never brought it up all these years. That is also why she held back the first time, she saw my anxiety. All along I was thinking she was anxious. Our friends are a great fun couple and we have so many great times together. That first time my wife was quiet, not herself. In our life she is very oral, she wasn't with him.

Our conversation now is very open about our real feelings.

Sounds like you are continuing to find answers. Not all answers are what we expect or hoped they would be, but it sounds like you also continue to grow because of what you are finding.

It’s not about you, it’s about her, her relationship with her friend, and a matter of her being ready or no ready to participate. Sounds like, she told you when she was ready to be a part of it.

I think it's fantastic that you can stay so positive through this.

You felt stupid for not catching on. I think that most people would not catch on. Before you dive into this head first, look into yourself and decide if this is a direction you want to pursue. Keep in mind that swinging requires a specific set of emotional 'skills'. If you are needing to be led into this slowly, like not seeing your wife sucking him, maybe you aren't quite ready. You may need some time to get used to the idea. It sounds as if your wife is ready to let her hair down. Are you ready for that?

I just re-read all of your posts on this subject. You want to want to do this. My useless advise is to ask you to stop for now. Analyze your feelings and make sure you won't come out of this with emotional damage. Keep in mind that if everyone could swing, they would. Barriers everywhere.

Good luck man, we are all rooting for you guys.

You are lucky your wife is respecting what she reading as your hesitancy. You wrote that you dove right in with "doing everything" with your friend. You didn't really watch what your wife was doing. Was it because you were so self centered on your own pleasure? Or was it because you couldn't watch her enjoy? Your wife has taken years waiting for the right time to do this. You only waiting weeks. How much real thought was put into your decision. Swinging is not a pass to fuck your wife's friend. It is a commitment to doing something special together. Your wife hid her knowledge from you for a reason. Was she not ready or was she afraid you weren't or even more afraid that you would do what you are doing, being jealous of her pleasure. I think she sensed your hesitation. That's why she is entering into this in baby steps. You said she wasn't active the first time and a bit more aggressive the next time.

IMHO you need to talk before doing this again. Tell her your feelings. Ask her what she is feeling. We only read about your feelings, maybe she has feelings too and you aren't picking up on it. She opened up and told you she knew about her friends for years. She opened up about wanting to do this. She wants to talk about feelings. Believe me she does want to talk. Are you ready to talk? If you aren't ready to enjoy her pleasure you might not be ready to continue. Think about her feelings, not just yours.

I'm happy to hear that you've turned this issue into a positive, but this sort of deception in my relationship would not be acceptable no matter the reason.

 

It's one thing to keep a friend's secret from your mate, another thing entirely to pretend to reveal this secret in such a deceptive, manipulative manner.

 

I'd want to get to the crux of the deception before moving into swinging. Transparency and open communication are requirements for being successful in the lifestyle.

I was thinking that too while reading the posts. Doesn't seem he is thinking about the deceit. I wonder if she already did a 3some with her friend. I am going to think she hasn't and she was hesitant all these years to discuss because she was keeping the secret and didn't want to let on.

Findinganswers, I am still new to this and have had all types of feelings, and questions. Our first time was a swap and in different rooms. It was very strange and not like us to even think of talk about it before we did it but we did. The night we did do it I had no reservations. Maybe liquor, a vacation and many outside fun loving thoughts. I had a great night, great sex and felt like a much younger me. I didn't give much thought to what my husband was doing in the other cabin. I enjoyed the attention from a new man. My sex life with my husband has always been great and satisfying, this was just new. The next day the realization that my husband was with a woman too hit. I walked in and they were still in bed. They were not engaged but both still nude. Honest I had that same feeling you must have gotten. We all had sex in the same room later in the day and I sort of wished we just went back to separate rooms. I feel what you don't see is easier for me. I am fine that he was with her, watching was different. For him, he said he enjoyed watching me. I don't know what is right or wrong. Right is what is right for you.

If you getting feelings because you are watching and would think her and him was fine if you didn't watch, maybe suggest separate rooms. Maybe she wants that too. Ask her!

I'm happy to hear that you've turned this issue into a positive, but this sort of deception in my relationship would not be acceptable no matter the reason.

 

It's one thing to keep a friend's secret from your mate, another thing entirely to pretend to reveal this secret in such a deceptive, manipulative manner.

 

I'd want to get to the crux of the deception before moving into swinging. Transparency and open communication are requirements for being successful in the lifestyle.

This 100 percent for us!

We are trying to keep it positive but understand the negative response. I trust my wife. I did question her about keeping the secret. We never keep secrets. She tried to explain that this was a different type of secret. She never mentioned it over the years because she wasn't interested in us trying it and it was girl talk for her. She knew her friend had gone through changes in her life, a divorce and another marriage. In the beginning of her new relationship, she confided in my wife. After years of listening to her friend she said she became curious but afraid to even tell me about it. She thought I wouldn't be interested. Yes there was deceit. She played like she didn't know. She said she didn't know how to broach her curiosity with me.

We are trying to keep it positive but understand the negative response. I trust my wife. I did question her about keeping the secret. We never keep secrets. She tried to explain that this was a different type of secret. She never mentioned it over the years because she wasn't interested in us trying it and it was girl talk for her. She knew her friend had gone through changes in her life, a divorce and another marriage. In the beginning of her new relationship, she confided in my wife. After years of listening to her friend she said she became curious but afraid to even tell me about it. She thought I wouldn't be interested. Yes there was deceit. She played like she didn't know. She said she didn't know how to broach her curiosity with me.

Sorry to be a downer here but you missed it.

"My wife feigned surprise when our friends told us what they do but she was in on the conversation from the start. I am pretty sure now that it was my wife that kept the conversation going but made me feel that I was the one who wanted to try."

This is the deceit. Keeping a friend's secret is not a problem especially when it does not impact you in a negative way. I respect her for that. The issue is that when the secret came out into the open your wife feigned surprise. Why did she feel the need to lie to you about that? That is what would concern me.

I am glad it is all going well. Hope you are enjoying everything and glad that this is not creating a problem for you.

This is the deceit. Keeping a friend's secret is not a problem especially when it does not impact you in a negative way. I respect her for that. The issue is that when the secret came out into the open you wife feigned surprise. Why did she feel the need to lie to you about that? That is what would concern me.

 

I am glad it is all going well. Hope you are enjoying everything and glad that this is not creating a problem for you.

I was going to post something similar, but hesitated. I do agree.

Mrs. EastInWest and I sometimes filter details, but it's broadly understood that if you tell one of us something, you've told the other. Our social transactions take place as a couple, and we set that pattern of disclosing everything early on.

That may not be for everybody and it's not something to have a confrontation over, but it does sound like she was hiding this for one reason or another. "I wasn't sure how you would react" might be the real reason, but it's one that I think should be worked out. I'd be concerned if I ever thought Mrs. EastInWest was afraid to tell me something, because it either means it's something really bad or she doesn't trust me the way she always has.

Good news. We talked about everything. A great talk. I asked how she was able to pretend not to know. I told her I was fine with her not telling me all those years about the secret but when we were told she played dumb. That hurt. But what she said last night made some sense. She was afraid how I would react. She asked how I would feel if she wanted to do this with our friends and I thought it was crazy. She only wanted to do it if I wanted. Even then she was unsure. She said even after she said she was good with everything and played out the thought of me and our best friend, her "sister", she wondered if she could go through with it. She was afraid of my jealousy. I admitted my jealousy of watching her blowing a guy we are best friends with. I told I was excited to. Yes I had mixed feelings. Then we laughed about her seeing a vagina, her friend's vagina, closer than she ever saw one before. The only one she touched like that was her own.

I am good with everything. The talk was good. Being open is good. Discussing new feelings are good. We agreed doing this with friends was the only thing we could have done. We agreed we should all enjoy what we are doing. We both discussed barriers and we agreed none are in place. I also told her that there is no pressure of her to anything with her friend. Also don't expect me to have sex with him. She gave me an ewwww on that.

We ended the conversation with what we do before sleeping.

Merry Christmas.

Good news. We talked about everything. A great talk. ...

 

I am good with everything. The talk was good. Being open is good. Discussing new feelings are good. We agreed doing this with friends was the only thing we could have done. We agreed we should all enjoy what we are doing. We both discussed barriers and we agreed none are in place. I also told her that there is no pressure of her to anything with her friend. Also don't expect me to have sex with him. She gave me an ewwww on that.

We ended the conversation with what we do before sleeping.

Merry Christmas.

So cool. Merry Christmas!

You know that it was your wife's idea to swing. You may think that you and her decided to do this together. She knew for years about your friends, she picked the time to join them. The women planned this maybe for years. Your wife had to come to the reality that her two best friends were going to have sex. You only had a short time to think about it. Maybe the excitement of sex with a good friend overshadowed the thought of your wife having sex. You said you enjoyed your sex without thinking of your wife having sex. You have to be able to enjoy her having sex as much as enjoying your own acts. Be happy that she is enjoying. Enjoy your friends.

Merry Christmas

Happy New Year everyone. Was a long weekend for us and I think I am getting used to the LS. I may have been too self centered on our two experiences. I was too involved in my own satisfaction and maybe too jealous in letting my wife enjoy. I also learned who else we know that is in the life. We were with a large group for NYE and I was trying to figure who else in our group it was. I was able to pick them out and my suspicion was confirmed. I am not sure if they know we have played with our mutual friend. I sort of figured that our two friends went home together that night. We made up to go out Sat. night with our friends.

My wife and I had a long talk about the meeting and my my feelings. Of course I wanted to hear my wife's thoughts also. I am not sure how it came about but I suggested that my wife have a threesome with our friends. I offered to let leave the room and let the all have fun. I think it was because my felt my hesitation the last time we met them and I wanted to let her know she was able to have all the fun she wanted. She said she wouldn't do anything if I wasn't there. Sat night went well. Our friends are great. They have never pushed anything. They have let us go at our pace. I suggested that they can play without me. They all said that they wanted me there. I felt funny watching but I did. I watched my wife being wild and for the first time actually watched her being penetrated. I also watched my wife with her friend. She wasn't as hesitant as before. I am getting more used to this. Just so you know I got my turn too.