Is your spouse your best lover? ever

[bonesray]

My wife and I have been married for 30 years. We entered the lifestyle early last year. Last night she asked me if she was the best lover I had ever had. We have always been honest with each other, so I answered no. She is upset with me.

No matter how much I tell her I love her, she is hurt.

I would love to have some feedback from you.

Is your spouse the best lover you have ever had?

[bill9352]

My wife and I are not in the lifestyle so this actual situation has not come up. We are in our early 50's and married about 3 1/2 years. We have never had the "am I the best" conversation as we each have had previous spouses and many lovers before we met. But to answer the question, my wife is not even close to being the best lover I ever had. But, she IS the best person that I ever met.

[flkeyscouple]

I can easily answer 'yes'. We have a great sex life (as do most of the couples on this board) but aside from the quantity, the quality is fantastic. This is not to say I haven't had great sex from partners, but the emotional connection that I have with my hubby makes it 'over the top'.

Mrs. FLKeys

[rpu3]

I answered yes, because my spouse is the one I love and am in love with, thus fitting the technical definition of lover. Besides, he seems to get me, and I get along well with him, etc., and that all comes into play in our sex life. We have a great sex life, and coupled with the other relationship goodies, it makes him my best lover.

That being said, he's a far better lover than my previous relationships, but I've had some great sex with a person or two since trying out the alternative lifestyles. Since it isn't in the "lover" realm, it's just a matter of "was it good sex or not?", not better or worse than my spouse.

[bill&sabrina]

If I were in your shoes I would tell her if 30 years of marriage doesn't tell you how I feel, I'll never be able to tell you. Cold yes, but I don't like games.

[curiousagain]

I don't have the direct link any more. Western Swing wrote something one time that was so profound on this I saved it to a file.
So with due credit to them I will post it here.

"I think a lot of people confuse love and sex, or at least sex when you're in love and just sex. Sex with our playmates leaves me with the same kind of feeling as one night stands when I was single. It was a good time, but that's it. Nothing more. It did nothing for my soul.

There is not a woman out there that could fuck me well enough to even make me think about leaving my wife, or for that matter seeing them outside my marriage. And I like to believe my wife feels the same way about other men. The present seems to always be the same, just the wrapping is different. And I guess that's the fun of it all. When it comes down to it, it was fun, it was different, it was erotic, it was an orgasm, and that's it.

It's not like my wife and I didn't have lovers or spouses before we met. It's not like we didn't have orgasms with those lovers and spouses. So if that is what it is all about, why aren't we still with our ex's? I had great sex with my ex-wife, and lovers too. But can I even remember what it was like now? No. There might be experiences that stand out in my mind, but that is it. And my wife has said the same about those in her past. The sex between us has always been great, but it wasn't what made her want to introduce her at-the-time 3-year old daughter to me, or her friends, or her father.

I think many people put too much emphasis on the role of sex in a relationship. It's not the glue that keeps the relationship together, at least not in a good relationship. We've all heard "I should have left them sooner, but the sex was just so good." What a crock! Sex is an ingredient in the relationship. The glue is the trust, the knowing things about the other that nobody will ever know. Loving them as much when they're being grumpy or mean as when they are smiling and lovey. Loving them for who they are. Sex is the icing on the cake in a relationship.

Playmates are playmates. They won't be there when you get old. Many of them don't even show up to your birthday parties. Most wouldn't even send a get well card if you were sick or injured. Yet you always know that your spouse will be there for all of that, and more.

We believe that sex between us is "soul sex". The kind of sex that relaxes you and makes you feel all warm and loved inside. The kind of sex that makes you want to stay in bed all day naked. The kind of sex that can make you cry because it's as much an emotional release as a physical one. The kind of sex that makes you want to crawl inside of them, and you still wouldn't be close enough to them. Nobody could replace that for me, or for her.

And that my friends is why although we may have good experiences with others, nobody will ever be better, or replace each other in our hearts, or our bed." WesternSwing


I think that sums it up better than anything I've ever read or heard. Swing/single sex is like porn sex sort of. A lot of the excitement is newness of someone, the group sex, the fact that it's JUST sex, etc. No matter how good it is, it's not love sex and nothig is better than that.

[tribbles]

My spouse is the best for a very simple reason:

He is willing to learn.

When we find a technique someone else does that either of us like, we try it out together.
Not everything others do can he do, nor can I do. But it sure is great being with someone who is open to doing new and different things!

S

[TNT]

I voted yes ....for a couple of reasons.

The main reason being I have never had an orgasm with someone other than Ted that shook me to the core....probably never will because there just isn't that emotional connection with others that I have with Ted.

I like what Curiousagain posted from WesternSwing.....

We believe that sex between us is "soul sex". The kind of sex that relaxes you and makes you feel all warm and loved inside. The kind of sex that makes you want to stay in bed all day naked. The kind of sex that can make you cry because it's as much an emotional release as a physical one. The kind of sex that makes you want to crawl inside of them, and you still wouldn't be close enough to them.

Technique wise...Ted's still the best. After all these years of having sex with each other we know exactly what each other likes. We feel we're just an excellent match for the "making love to each other" and the "down and dirty, animalistic fucking each other"...an explosive combination

For me, there is one playmate that does stick out in my mind quite a bit that the sex and orgasm was damn fuckintastic...the man is very talanted and one of the reasons I think he sticks out so much in my mind, is that his technique was/is a lot like Ted's. I also know of one lady that sticks out in Ted's mind as being extremely talanted. When we reminisce about our past experiences, these two peoples names will always come up and we both will say that was just damn good, some of the best I've ever had.

Neither of us are threatened by the possibility of one of us having better sex with someone else...IF it happens, it happens. It wouldn't mean that what we have with each other is any less meaningful.

Teresa

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

I don't have the direct link any more. Western Swing wrote something one time that was so profound on this I saved it to a file.
So with due credit to them I will post it here.

Wow. I didn't think there was a good way to answer that question, but that proved me wrong. I'm not surprised you saved it!

[sexyshelby]

When I first saw the title I thought to myself, "well, I sure as hell hope people have the sense to lie if it wasn't true." In my case, I don't need to lie, he is the best lover I've ever had. Like others mentioned, I think the emotional connection will always win out and make the sex more special than a random encounter.

I believe that white lies are healthy, and this is one that I think would be helpful. Its like when a woman asks if she looks fat...who the hell says, yeah you're a whale!

~SS

[des1re06]

Yes, without a doubt. We're soulmates too.

He lets me be me, accepts me unconditionally, and lets the wild girl out.

In the bedroom, he knows how to please whether it's slow, romantic or just shut up and f*ck me.

What more could I ask for?

Mrs. D

[graygo98]

Originally Posted by bill&sabrina

If I were in your shoes I would tell her if 30 years of marriage doesn't tell you how I feel, I'll never be able to tell you. Cold yes, but I don't like games.

I don't think she was asking him how he feels about her. She wanted to know if she was the best lover he had ever had. As noted a couple times above, sex and love (or feelings toward your spouse) just aren't the same thing.

In my case the answer is yes. Abolutely and without question. One other came close, and several others were perhaps more talented technically. The difference (quite apart from the added spice of our emotional connection) is the fact that she just plain and simple enjoys sex. With the emphasis on "joy".

Now pretty much everyone likes sex, and it usually feels really good I'm sure. But this is an order of magnitude different. She just loves what she is doing and it shows through so loud and clear that she seems to glow. And that is the most powerful aphrodisiac I can imagine. It just rocks my world, makes me feel like the best lover in the universe. And, she has the same effect on others, believe me.

[havefuninsun]

Mr. Fun is the best lover I have ever had. And not just because of all the things posted by Western Swing via couriousagain, but because he is so generous. And he's that way with his playpartners, too ... he's very skilled. So in the raw sex category, he's the best. And of course in the emotional category, there's no chance he can't be.

The night after the first time he kissed me I was talking to a couple of girlfriends of mine. I told them that day that if he kissed and paid as much attention to my pussy as he did the lips on my face, I was in serious trouble. And here I sit and type

I know Mr. Fun has had other fun lovers ... at this stage in the game, it would be truly sad if he had not. But I enjoy showing him every opportunity I have a very good time.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by bonesray

Is your spouse the best lover you have ever had?

In one word, a resounding YES! He knows all the right buttons to push. He knows what I like and I know what he enjoys and we just mesh so well together.

Being married for close to 25 years, our relationship closely resembles what Curiousagain posted from WS. What he said is so eloquent, that there isn't any way to write it better. I can also understand why Curiousagain would save that.

As far as questioning a lover -- I guess I wouldn't ask the question if I didn't want to hear the answer. Same as, "Honey, do these pants make my ass look too big?" He's always diplomatic, but very honest with me.

[bill&sabrina]

Originally Posted by sexyshelby

I believe that white lies are healthy, and this is one that I think would be helpful. Its like when a woman asks if she looks fat...who the hell says, yeah you're a whale!

~SS

Aren't swingers supposed to abhor lying of any kind? I wouldn't tell someone they were a whale, but I would give my honest opinion. I firmly believe that if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.