3 bad experiences, need help

[joplin]

Ok, here's what's going on.....
My husband and I recently got into the lifestlye. We have talked about swinging for several years and we came up with a few rules before we got started. Our relationship was wonderful and our communication was excellent as well. We have been told by several couples in the last few weeks that they are very impressed with our level of security at our ages. He is 27 and I am 26. We have been together for 7 years. Our relationship is not in jeopardy due to these bad experiences but my self confidence is pretty much shot right now. I hope you guys can help me out.

We first met a couple online who lives in our area. We talked quite a bit on the computer and on the phone. We got the chance to meet at a party about a month ago. It was our first time going to a party and we had a blast on the dance floor. We had no problems with jealousy or insecurity within ourselves or our relationship. While at the party we met another couple whom we eventually went up to the hotel room and swapped with. This first experience was ok, however we ended up switching back to our partners due to the fact that the male was pretty small and was having a hard time keeping it up. My husband was having a great time with this other female and I felt bad breaking that up, however I was just too uncomfortable.

Our second experience happened that same night with the couple we met online. My husband was slightly attracted to the female and I was very attracted to the male. We attempted a full swap, but, of course, he had had too much to drink and couldn't keep it up either. Once again, I had to break my husband and this other female. He was having a great time, but I just had to give up on the male who couldn't get it up.

Our third experience happened last night. We met a couple for drinks and some great conversation. We left the restaurant and went to a more private place for some fun. My husband was super attracted to the female while I was somewhat attracted to the male. My husband slightly hurt my feelings bc he didn't talk to me to see if I really wanted to swap with them. I gave him signals but he didn't pay attention. He says he wasn't able to follow my signals. Anyway, we attempted a full swap, however, once again he couldn't get it up. He said that he had too much to drink. I was very uncomfortable by this point however my husband couldn't seem to take his tounge away from this chic's pussy to make sure I was ok. I had to put a stop to the whole thing, again.

I guess you can tell that I am feeling pretty bad right now. All three of the men have said that it was totally their fault. They have all called or spoken to me the next day and have said that I am a very sexy female and they are all hoping to get a second chance. I know that I am by far not any ugly person. I am not barbie but I am very attractive for having three kids. In all the experiences I have attempted to use oral and manual stimulation in trying to get them up. They all have told me that I give an awesome BJ, they just have had too much to drink.

I just don't know what to do now. My husband cant understand why I am so upset. He says that it is them and not me. I have tried to explain to him that this is supposed to be for our fun, yet he is the one having all the fun and I am not. I guess I am jealous that he is having fun with sexy partners and haveing great experiences, while I have yet to even have one fun time. I am not sure now if I want to even try again. My first three experiences have been horrible and I don't know if I can stand the blow from a fourth being bad as well.

Sorry for writing a book, but what do I do now? I am just wondering what I should do to feel better? Has anybody else had similar experiences? Please help me!

[warkman]

Wow. What a string of unfortunate experiences for you. Let me make clear that we haven't started swinging yet, but why would people (particularly men) engage in an activity (drinking to whatever excess,) that in many cases has a directly negative impact on the very activity (potency/sex) for which they are there in the first place? Performance pressure (I would think) would be high enough for us males without chemically increasing our chances for failure. Maybe they drink to not feel the pressure so much, and thus a vicious circle is started. That makes about as much sense to me as being afraid to drive, and intoxicating oneself to feel more comfortable behind the wheel. Anyhow, maybe you should (and I don't know how you would diplomatically pull this off) let potential playmates know of your recent disappointing history, and ask them if they're really good to go, i.e. not drinking to a performance inhibiting extent. NOW talk about pressure! Then again, maybe not. I guess you just keep trying perhaps.

[Sweet_Candy]

Joplin,

We, too, have struck out three times. They weren't all three the same situation as you, but the second and third were. The guys acted "not that into me (Candy)". Sweet was really cool about that and moved on with me.

We are sorry your husband didn't notice your feelings that third time. Men can get like that sometimes. That would be a learning point to move forward with.

From what we understand, it can take far more attempts than three before you finally have that wonderful experience. We, too, still have yet to get there, having learned from the experiences.

We continue to develop more prospects; we are moving forward. The prospects seem better than the originals because we know better.

The reasons the men failed to respond could be numerous, and we suggest them with caution, not having been there. It may not only have not been you, but also not your partners.

Two possibilities come to mind:
Your partners may have been picking up on something from your husband that led to Performance Anxiety because either:

1. Your husband was loving on their wives really well (with enthusiastic response from the wives) - and they became self-conscious
2. They may have felt a vibe from your husband - a "Don't cross the line with my wife, buddy!" that may or may not have actually been there

Add either of those with alcohol, and that could make for a limp situation.

We don't want to leave those as the only possibilities, but good examples of something going on that is not a failure on your part to arouse a partner. It could even be the first of the above, but not because of your husband - because of the wives' reactions.

[StacyCat]

Why not try softer swapping before going into the full swap, especially with couples that you just met?

Same room sex with your own partner, or just light oral or finger play, not the full on swapping sex. Or have more foursome style sex, rather than breaking off into opposite couples. That way you wont have to feel like you are breaking up your husband from his fun.

A lot of the one night stands that ive been with have had erection issues. Its a nervousness factor, and has nothing to do with you.

Also, chat with your husband, try to set some ground rules (like, no fucking on the first meeting, always checking with each other before agreeing, etc). Perhaps that will help.

[hfire269]

Nerves are also a cause. We've had the same problem with both couples we've been with. The other guy gets nervous and cant stay hard. I know excalty how you feel.. The one couple that we where with is an experinced couple but it was the first time with them.

I personally chalked it up to nerves and alcohol and moved on. got to know them better and know thats its not me that was turning the other guys off.

Good luck!

[seriously]

Joplin,
I agree with StacyCat. Slow things down a bit. Try just going on a getting-to-know-you date with the couple before you go any further and slowly graduate to a full swap. Or you might try finding a single male, if your man will go for it, and make it a night thats just for you or at least mostly . That way you get tons of attention and if your new friend can't perform your husband is there to make sure you have fun. While I'm still somewhat new to the "lifestyle", I suspect these feelings (he had fun, now where's mine?) are quite common. Try to bear in mind that things are not always exactly 50-50 in terms of who gets what on a particular night.

-seriously

[BodyScape02]

Joplin,

Relax and breath... yes, it is frustrating and it says allot about you that you assume it is you rather than it being someone else or the manly power struggle thing. You are not showing the all powerful emasculating his ego thing... so it cannot be blamed on that. We Women do that, blame ourselves... it is not you...but that is not the point. It has happed to all of us women. The question is how to deal with it when it "*comes up"

You are here for fun too and if it continues to be all fun for one and none for you... well that isn't exactly the recipe for a good swing time, and simply not fair to you as a partner in this enterprise. Decide how many times you are willing to “help” out a limp noodle before you end up feeling used and abused… I have a very low tolerance myself… you get 2 chances … I used to give three but if they can’t get it up the second time… trust me … it is always an issue for them… one couple even admitted, “oh, he never gets it up”,how nice for me…(dead pan )

Communication is key, as is stated over and over on SB. You don’t know you have to have a way to handle something until you find something you just can't handle...then talk it over and come up with a plan together.

Talk to your hubby because, this seems to be causing you some self-esteem issues( from what I read in your post). Your hubby needs to be aware of that... it isn't his fault that he is the only man able to *stand and deliver in the foursome...but that doesn't mean you should be the one left there holding the deflated balloon every time. Try and discuss it as a "put yourself in my shoes type of thing," What if the next three times you get “Mr. Hard-as-a- rock-all-night” and his wife is well (pick something he would find distasteful)? Then he is left out in the cold, while you are playing “ride- em-tonto” all night long...hmmm… I think he might get sick of that pretty fast, too.

Two suggestions:

1. You know you adore being with your own man (I know I do) we have solved this one of two ways... we start with each other and round two is the other couple ( or visa -versa) ... we discuss it up front if someone can't *stand and deliver for whatever reason.. play stops and you get your own man back... and or you discuss up front how it will break down...threesome wise or we stop wise.

Try it ...make your husband your wing man... discuss it and see if the two of you think it will work for you. Have a nice “code word” so you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

2. On my end... I watch to see how much the other man is drinking... if it is late in the night and he seems three sheets... I am all for the back him against the wall and kiss and check out the package move... otherwise know in my youth as "heavy petting"... if you can't get a firm ...*HELLO NURSE..out of him there... you will not get it once you are in the room.

There seems to be such a set of nerves when those doors shut that can *deflate the best ego... better to go in with *both barrels loaded if you know what I mean

It does get better as you develop a network of friends to play with ... it took us about 2-3 year but it was *hard work, but fun.(grin)


Ms. Bodyscape

*double entendres included at no extra charge...lol

[lovedoctor]

Three words: Viagra, Levitra, Cialis...It's not your fault dear. Maybe it's time to find a hot single 22 year old for a little MFM. You deserve it!

[jeff n nikki]

Well 1st off alcohol and erections dont usually go together..and they most certainly dont if you are nervous and uncomfortable! Nikki and I have been swinging on and off for 10 years..one thing for sure is we would rather get COMFORTABLE with a couple(or sf) over a period of time before we "go all the way"..that doesnt mean there isnt any teasing,play or oral etc! I personally perfrom much better if I have soft played with the female over a long period of time(flirting,touching,dancing,kissing,teasing,ora l etc...)....once you feel TOTALLY CONFORTABLE and by this point dying to fuck her(because of 3 months of teasing lol) you shouldnt have problems with wood! find a local swing club that offers on and off premise! goto some meetngreets! then eventually some house and hotel parties.find some people you really click with and build it up slowly over months even! then when you guys finally get down to it you should be relaxed enough and at a very comfortable level!...Nikki and I run the blueflame swing club and we always tell people that clubs are the best place for swingers! with private meetings there is way too much 1 on 1 pressure!! goto parties! get to know some people! then eventually youll find the amazing experiances you crave and havent had yet!..as far as alcohol goes??? I dont drink at swing parties anymore because of the "whiskey dick" problem! you did nothing wrong! alcohol and nervousness and stress caused the erection problems!

[tncinmd]

Well, three things come to mind. Alcohol, nervousness and focus.

Me (M), I can drink a whole lot before I become intoxicated. But, when we're meeting a couple, one's my limit. Anything greater than that, unless the period prior to any activity is a long time, affects performance. And, yes, it does that even if you're taking Viagra, etc.

Nervousness effects us for any first time meeting. Yes, even if we've talked extensively with potential partners. This definitely will contribute to performance anxiety.

Focus is always a factor, too. Some people are more into watching their spuse be pleasured and that can be a problem if they're not concentrating on their immediate partner's pleasure or their own. For our first couple, the lady wanted to be assured that I would pay attention to her rather than watching my wife.

Some of us like long foreplay, concentrating on our partner rather than worrrying about whether we get off. We like long foreplay as part of what "trips our trigger". I don't mean 10 minutes, I mean one or two hours.

There's a lot to compatability. That's why it can be very difficult to find a couple with whom you can hit off. You're dealing with the wants and needs of four people.

You shouldn't be hard on yourself. It's really nobody's fault that you're encountering difficulties. Perhaps you are someone who needs to take it a little slower or perhaps this just isn't for you. Perhaps, hubby should arrange for an mfm for you, so you can be the center of attention. We think you deserve that at least .

[VegasLee]

I think I would stop meeting peole for Drinks. That seems to be the common factor in all of your experiences.

We believe if people HAVE to drink to swing then we don't want to swing with them.

Keep it simple. We do party with many people tha do drink but none that HAVE to drink to party.

[clit pro poet]

"Sorry for writing a book"
Don't apologize, both the account of your experiences and the impressions they've left you with are well said and invite responses. You're not being dismissive of your experiences, and you sure have had a go at it!

Several things offered above suggest better times ahead in our view. We'll try to add our spin a little.
(Oh yeah, 'looks like a bit of a book coming... )

First, MFM or comparable is certainly what you deserve, with total attention on their parts (sic) to you. That suggests a whole thing about context. Sharing sexual life - does not have to step to "the ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah..." Swinging is casual, friendly, engaging, comforting, and, above all, thoroughly enjoyable. Clearly, you and your husband have found the milieu enticing, since you've tried again. So how to get from enticement to excitement to comfort to more of all three? Friendly circumstances, anticipation, relaxation, and maybe more people in a less confined space and a more open interval - all come to mind. Swinging is, after all arises together. Not that it can't be fun to hide out with one partner out of sight, or in sight for a round or two, but you've got it a bit regimented, do you think? Maybe relax, open up for opportunities, and be completely confident (justifiably) that it'll come in its own time, with all present enjoying - enjoying you.

A more specific thought also leads off from something that others said. Maybe you guys could get together with others around a workout first, or swimming, or Scrabble, or canoeing, waxing a huge wood floor (does wonders for hands and shoulders, and invites massage...), or even politics, religion, or geekiness (well, for some anyway)? Just as above, let the context open up, and get guys who are drink free, or nearly so, relaxed, and, above all, paying attention!
You can have a heck of a nice time with toys, or spouse, at home - and we hope that you often do. But swinging is necessarily something of a social thing - lustful, comforting, and even funny. Relax (but keep the guys at attention ) A good outcome is just about certain.

[Chicup]

First you didn't have to break it up with your husband and the other woman. Did this other guy just lay there limp noodle and all, or was he willing to do oral to you etc? Why did you feel the need to end it early for your husband? Are you insecure about the whole swinging thing in general? The vibe I'm getting from you is that you are somewhat unsure of the whole thing and more worried about what your husband is doing than what you are doing. If the other woman seemed like she didn't want to be there it would be a pretty big turn off for me..

[joplin]

Chicup, sorry I gave you the impression that I am insecure about the lifestlye or I am paying more attention to what my husband is doing bc believe me, I am giving each man more that a fair chance to get it up. I am about 80% focused on what I am doing to the guy and what is happening between us. The other 20% is just checking on my husband to make sure he is ok, by looks or a touch, something simple like that. The first two situations where about the same where the guys were trying to give me oral, but I'm not much of an oral girl. I would rather give than receive, thats what turns me on the most. The third situation, the man was pretty much limp everywhere. He did attempt to give me oral, however at this point, apparently my husband was hitting all the right spots with the guy's wife and the guy started paying attention to his wife. I was kind of left out for a moment, which is pretty awkward. He then got up to go to the bathroom, which of course gave me the chance to fufill one of my husbands fantasies of a ffm. He was very excited with what I was doing to him along with this other woman, but when the male came back, he basically pulled me back to him and we were back to square one again. I really enjoy what my husband does to these women and it is a great turn on, but what am I supposed to do when he is having a great time, I am turned on by what he is doing, and the male is limp and cant perform? I agree with you that if my partner acted as though they didn't want to be there, it would be a huge turn off for me as well. I just had a hard time after the ffm bc I wanted to continue what we were doing but the other male just wanted me to continue to work on his limp unit, and I was getting pretty tired of that. Believe me, I don't ever want to ruin anything for my husband, we just have a rule that one doesn't play without the other. So if one of us needs to stop, the other stops as well. I think it's great that he is having fun, but I just don't want to constantly be sitting back and having to deal with the limp men. That just doesn't seem right to me. Maybe if the other guy had taken the initiative to just sit out and watch (he later wrote an email saying that he know he wouldn't be able to get it up bc he had had too much to drink but he wanted to keep trying anyway), the experience may have turned out better, but that's the way it goes sometimes. I am just trying to figure out what is happening and if this is a common experience among others.

Thanks everybody for your input on my situation, it is great to hear the different perspectives from everyone so far. You guys have been super helpful for me with this crazy start I have had in the lifestyle. I'm feeling a little better about the situation now that I have heard what others have to say. Thanks so much!

[Chicup]

Ok thanks for clearing that up.

On the down side, saddly I can't help you beyond that as I can get it up like a porn star apparently (audiance doesn't matter). Its not a brag, I never had any clue that some men had issues with getting it up that weren't due to physical problems prior to many posts where men were stating they had performance issues while swinging.

Now this brings me to my next question which is how old were these men? I'm on the younger side for swinging it seems (though that changes a bit more every year heh) but you may have just had a bad run of guys who couldn't get it up.

I doubt its an attraction thing. I know when either myself or my wife isn't attracted to the other couple we don't take one of the team and play and thats pretty typical from what we can tell.

Which brings me to the last point. It seems a lot of men DO have this issue while swinging. Again I don't understand it, but its a common question/complaint. I'm guessing you have just had some bad luck.