Is a fantasy shared a tease?

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

I feel a bit like I'm hoping to swim with crocodiles here, but I'd appreciate some insight. I'm scared I have ruined my marriage by "bedroom talk." 

 

A back story - a few years ago my husband (of 10+ years) brought up a threesome with another woman. I take full responsibility for not expressing myself clearly during what ensued over the next couple years. To him - plans, excitement, prospective women, followed by disappointment and anger. To me - excitement, bedroom talk, some interest but not to the point I could follow through. Lots of reasons and feelings on my side. Womp womp, I know. Anyhow, during all of that it was brought up how my *fantasy* has always been mmf.  I'd occasionally think of it when in certain positions or during (and after and before) sex. Total fantasy. To set the scene for my current predicament - my husband's mff fantasy ended with a huge, awful fight. I won't go into details (aware I've already rambled on too much so thank you for hanging in there with me to this point) but we stopped talking about the mff fantasy as the line between talk and expectations was skewed. But the mmf fantasy stayed alive. 

 

Often, our sex includes dirty talk about another man, lately its been toys to dp which was really exciting to me, just all the fun. So much fun if I'm honest about it. I thought I have done my part to remind that it's just a fantasy and reiterate how much I enjoy playing but that he really is all I want. However, he now says he is ready for me to decide I'm doing this so he's not left hanging (again). I have tried so hard to express the fantasy aspect without being a total buzz kill. We are back to fighting over what I thought was fun and what he thought was plans. 

 

I am open to hearing what I have done wrong and how to fix this.  I feel so lost to have gone from enjoying and thinking I was rocking my husband's world with the fantasies as an aside, to feeling like I just ruin sex for him because he can't get fulfilled fantasies. I'm a good time, I think...just not there with wanting to be shared or share. I wish we could just have all the fun playing but it seems that will that never be enough for him. Do I just need to get rid of the toys and talk, and never bring it up again? 

 

TLDR; should a woman never bring up a fantasy and explore it unless she's willing to go thru with it irl? Has sex talk created an insatiable urge that will ruin my marriage if I don't follow through? 

[couplers 4,140]

My perspective is that every one is inherently non-monogamous and would enjoy "to be shared and share."  You're "just not there," yet because of all the societal and religious baggage, from feelings that it's not moral to it will destroy my marriage to I can't share my husband to I'm not a slut.

 

So for some it's difficult, really hard, to overcome those barriers, especially if you're not young and are already married.  My journey began with me being romantically and sexually involved with two men in my early twenties and marrying one of them while keeping the other, so for me it was easier, making me feel loved and powerful.

 

I leave it to others here to give advice on how to begin in the lifestyle as an already married couple, those experienced in doing so.  Clubs, house parties, websites.  All I can add is that it is well worth it.  In the meanwhile until you form a plan of action, I suggest that you do indeed not tease your husband with fantasies, and he needs to learn to put your sexual desires first.

 

 

Edited March 11 by couplers

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,086]

Don't feel guilty.  Teasing is fun and everyone is entitled to their boundaries.  It may just add to your hubbie's frustration by saying "I don't want to tease/role play/fantasize anymore". 

 

There may be middle ground.  For example, there are couples who only "soft-swap", which basically means you have sex with your respective partners in the same room without physically interacting with the other couple.  It's not something you can really do with a single male or female (although maybe) but there are a lot of couples out there who are into it.  We have done it and it's pretty hot.

[let's do it again 379]

I get it, when in the heat of passion there is know telling what I will say or do. I warn women that what I say or do during sex don't take it personally and it's the conversation after sex that is important. Maybe add a disclaimer before sex, that is what I do.

[NC_Seniors 492]

47 minutes ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

There may be middle ground.  For example, there are couples who only "soft-swap", which basically means you have sex with your respective partners in the same room without physically interacting with the other couple.  We have done it and it's pretty hot.

*Most* people in the lifestyle use the term “soft swap” to mean exchanging partners for anything up to — but not including — intercourse. In other words, the farthest they go is oral, but they STILL swap. hunterdon’s suggestion is more often referred to as “same room sex”, “same bed sex”, or “parallel play”. It matters because if you hook up with a couple and tell them you’re into soft swap, they’re going to expect to play with you and your hubby … things are liable to get awkward when you *then* tell them — once the clothes have come off — that you just want to watch and be watched. So be absolutely clear on your limits and sure that you’re using the correct terminology.

 

PS We’ve done it too and it IS hot!

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,086]

5 minutes ago, NC_Seniors said:

 

hunterdon’s suggestion is more often referred to as “same room sex”, “same bed sex”, or “parallel play”. It matters because if you hook up with a couple and tell them you’re into soft swap, they’re going to expect to play with you and your hubby … things are liable to get awkward when you *then* tell them — once the clothes have come off — that you just want to watch and be watched. So be absolutely clear on your limits and sure that you’re using the correct terminology.

I stand corrected. Excellent distinction @NC_Seniors

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

36 minutes ago, let's do it again said:

I get it, when in the heat of passion there is know telling what I will say or do. I warn women that what I say or do during sex don't take it personally and it's the conversation after sex that is important. Maybe add a disclaimer before sex, that is what I do.

I like the disclaimer thing! I have said I don't want to be held to anything I say in the moment. Dirty talk is all fun until someone wants to bring it up over coffee! Kidding for the most part but yes.... I would say I get carried away in my confidence level on the sharing subject for sure. It's a fantasy I've had in my brain for 20 years so I have some thoughts! Thanks for the understanding! 

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

21 minutes ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

I stand corrected. Excellent distinction @NC_Seniors

Thank you for the understanding! I think we are different in that a sexy idea can live in my head forever and my creative mind has (almost? Might be a stretch but close enough) as much fun without all the trouble. Whereas he is a tangible gratification kind of person. So it feels we're both let down in some regard as my fantasy is negatively viewed when he doesn’t get to see it through. Your thoughts are interesting, thanks! 

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

 

2 hours ago, couplers said:

My perspective is that every one is inherently non-monogamous and would enjoy "to be shared and share."  You're "just not there," yet because of all the societal and religious baggage, from feelings that it's not moral to it will destroy my marriage to I can't share my husband to I'm not a slut.

 

So for some it's difficult, really hard, to overcome those barriers, especially if you're not young and are already married.  My journey began with me being romantically and sexually involved with two men in my early twenties and marrying one of them while keeping the other, so for me it was easier, making me feel loved and powerful.

 

I leave it to others here to give advice on how to begin in the lifestyle as an already married couple, those experienced in doing so.  Clubs, house parties, websites.  All I can add is that it is well worth it.  In the meanwhile until you form a plan of action, I suggest that you do indeed not tease your husband with fantasies, and he needs to learn to put your sexual desires first.

 

 

Thank you for your reply and insight! You're right on about the barriers though I don't mind the slut aspect. 😃 it's all the other baggage though, quite heavy for an over thinker! And a buzzkill for sure

Edited March 11 by theReluctantHotwife
Reply to quote

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

37 minutes ago, NC_Seniors said:

 

*Most* people in the lifestyle use the term “soft swap” to mean exchanging partners for anything up to — but not including — intercourse. In other words, the farthest they go is oral, but they STILL swap. hunterdon’s suggestion is more often referred to as “same room sex”, “same bed sex”, or “parallel play”. It matters because if you hook up with a couple and tell them you’re into soft swap, they’re going to expect to play with you and your hubby … things are liable to get awkward when you *then* tell them — once the clothes have come off — that you just want to watch and be watched. So be absolutely clear on your limits and sure that you’re using the correct terminology.

 

PS We’ve done it too and it IS hot!

Fun! Thanks for the clarification!

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

A little update - I may have been overly sensitive and saw all of this as a mistake I made rather than good ole fashioned willingness of my husband, given previous disagreements. We came to some understandings (long live fantasies and dirty talk!) and I do appreciate the suggestions.  Maybe I am a little bit of a tease, but I like to think I'm just not all the way there yet. 

[Juan234 9]

In case you have not already, check out the film: “Hope Springs”. It has Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, and Steve Carell.  Many marriages likely have this film to thank for in seriously spicing their sexy talk up.

 

If you want to take it to the next level, Google a TED Talk entitled “Monogamish: The new rules of marriage”.  Although it is still about monogamous relationships, it develops fantasizing with your partners about others.  That is why I mostly lurk about here. The stuff swingers take for granted are hot fantasies in my book. Yeah, I am monogamous.  So posters, please do not spare us the details!  We are living vicariously through you here. ;-)
 

Looking at the menu does not imply you are going to break your diet.  You get to make the rules.  For example, as they say in swinging, only go as fast as the slowest partner. 

In terms of decisions in the heat of passion, my thought is they are the equivalent of promises made under duress.  For example, if a client tells seasoned strippers while getting lap dances that he will buy them each a house, I doubt many will run out to hire a mover. Similarly, couples do not usually propose to major commitments during sex.  And anything said in the intoxicating heat of passion should be double-checked during a sexually-sober time. 

 

Thanks for the refreshing perspective.

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

7 hours ago, Juan234 said:

That is why I mostly lurk about here. The stuff swingers take for granted are hot fantasies in my book. Yeah, I am monogamous.  So posters, please do not spare us the details!  We are living vicariously through you here. ;-)

 

Yes! I so agree about the fantasies being worth something. They should be shared. Though maybe it's similar to the difference between the ones that typically prefer the book to the movie. I also do dip my toes in wanting it in real life, to be fair.  We just had to understand that the fantasy talks live separately from any more purposeful talks or wants.  

[EroticGent 59]

On 3/11/2024 at 4:34 AM, theReluctantHotwife said:

I like the disclaimer thing! I have said I don't want to be held to anything I say in the moment. Dirty talk is all fun until someone wants to bring it up over coffee! Kidding for the most part but yes.... I would say I get carried away in my confidence level on the sharing subject for sure. It's a fantasy I've had in my brain for 20 years so I have some thoughts! Thanks for the understanding! 

Thank you for introducing this very interesting  and relevant thread!  I have also experienced the challenge of being perhaps too open during intimacy with a female vanilla partner and sharing a fantasy that I found (and still find) arousing.  The fantasy included FFM and sex toys.  I also simply viewed it as dirty talk and as an opportunity for my partner to see into me and discover my deepest level-- a way to know me more deeply.  Alas, that relationship with great sex declined soon after my expression of my fantasy which was just that.  I had no intention of pursuing it although if she had expressed a positive reaction that might have led to a wonderful conversation about our hidden desires.  I was surprised by her negative reaction even to sex toys alone.   She was unwilling to discuss her reaction to my dirty talk.  In retrospective,  I am grateful I discovered this side of her early since I prefer ladies and couples with great open minds and with a desire to explore sexually.  Fortunately, the fantasy did eventually turn into reality with other females and couples.  The reality was indeed amazing; so glad I found the right partners with whom to take the leap from fantasy to reality!

[lovefest04 685]

I love a woman that can and will express her fantasies during sex and outside of sex. I DO NOT however, expect any of those fantasies to be made real.

 

I think teasing and foreplay (as it was once called) are super hot. They are lubricant for the mind and when used before, during and even after sex, makes the entire experience more fulfilling. At least for me.

 

I'd hope your husband can enjoy the moment, and not assign expectations. Really being in the moment is hot as fuck.

[enhancer 1,542]

Fantasies are just that a fantasy!  In a healthy relationship people should be able to share their fantasies as just that a fantasy.  There are fantasies I have and I share them with the missus knowing that some of them are not her fantasies!  Same goes for her with me.  No one should ever feel pressured to do anything they are not interested in doing.  If someone can not be fulfilled if every one of their fantasies don’t happen then they will never be satisfied.  If I tried to guilt her into doing something she didn’t want to do or her to me there would be a problem.  That is a good way to push someone away and make them question their relationship. 
 

People should spend more time thinking about the positive things they have going in their relationship then focusing on what they feel they are missing out on.  

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

3 hours ago, enhancer said:

People should spend more time thinking about the positive things they have going in their relationship then focusing on what they feel they are missing out on.  

^^Absolutely!! 

Thank you for your input and the reminder that acknowledging and even playing along with one's fantasy does not mean agreement, even on a fantasy level. I completely respect my husband's and he does mine. And we have a good amount of fun playing along with each other. I'll try anything once (well, ha, except actually swinging so far)

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

5 hours ago, lovefest04 said:

I love a woman that can and will express her fantasies during sex and outside of sex. I DO NOT however, expect any of those fantasies to be made real.

 

I think teasing and foreplay (as it was once called) are super hot. They are lubricant for the mind and when used before, during and even after sex, makes the entire experience more fulfilling. At least for me.

 

I'd hope your husband can enjoy the moment, and not assign expectations. Really being in the moment is hot as fuck.

Enjoying the moment is exactly what I worried was in jeapordy. For both of us! How not fun to imagine my husband playing along but thinking "suuure" in response to me. He was not, but I got caught up in some over thinking about it.

 

Awhile back I went through a whirlwind of trying to make something happen, in real life and outside of my current comfort level,  similar to what I'd expressed as a fantasy in the moments.  Not really from any pressure from him, but it truly intrigues me up until and honestly way too close to actual circumstances. So confusion, expectation and ultimately disappointment led to shelfing that fantasy talk. Then, a couple of moments felt very familiar and I wondered...have I completely ruined sex talk? Which would just be the worst as yes - super hot! 

 

Turns out I ruined nothing at all.  Viva la "tease!"

[theReluctantHotwife 15]

21 hours ago, EroticGent said:

Thank you for introducing this very interesting  and relevant thread!  I have also experienced the challenge of being perhaps too open during intimacy with a female vanilla partner and sharing a fantasy that I found (and still find) arousing.  The fantasy included FFM and sex toys.  I also simply viewed it as dirty talk and as an opportunity for my partner to see into me and discover my deepest level-- a way to know me more deeply.  Alas, that relationship with great sex declined soon after my expression of my fantasy which was just that.  I had no intention of pursuing it although if she had expressed a positive reaction that might have led to a wonderful conversation about our hidden desires.  I was surprised by her negative reaction even to sex toys alone.   She was unwilling to discuss her reaction to my dirty talk.  In retrospective,  I am grateful I discovered this side of her early since I prefer ladies and couples with great open minds and with a desire to explore sexually.  Fortunately, the fantasy did eventually turn into reality with other females and couples.  The reality was indeed amazing; so glad I found the right partners with whom to take the leap from fantasy to reality!

It can be difficult without the right communication, and impossible to enjoy with a partner unwilling to communicate like you experienced. Some are put off if it doesn't align with their own fantasy, some want to please and go about making that fantasy said in the moment come to fruition, some make unnecessary judgements... So much can go wrong when we let someone into our head like that, especially under the most heightened arousal. I absolutely loved that I can do that with my husband and not worry about anything at all.  Screwing that up would be like losing trust to me. I'm glad I decided to ask an open minded group here, one that my husband had actually told me about. Thanks for your understanding and encouragement! 

[Numex 2,175]

On 3/11/2024 at 7:53 AM, let's do it again said:

I warn women that what I say or do during sex don't take it personally and it's the conversation after sex that is important. Maybe add a disclaimer before sex, that is what I do.

 

On 3/11/2024 at 8:34 AM, theReluctantHotwife said:

I like the disclaimer thing!

There's a song about this – "If I Tell You I Love You I'm Lying" by Melody Gardot. A worthwhile listen.