Meeting alone - Help!

[starswingers 23]

Hi

 

New to the forum but I have been on the scene for 10 years with my wife. We have done everything in those 10 years from mfmf to gangbangs and had a lot of fun.

 

Last year we tried something that we had always said we would never do and that was my wife meeting a guy alone. We found a suitable guy and she met him a total of 4 times on her own. She really enjoyed it although she found him dull and it fizzled out. I was glad when it was over because towards the end I was feeling left out and not really enjoying it. I kept those feelings to myself and we returned to normal swinging.

 

Fast forward a year and we met a guy who is part of a couple. He and his wife both play alone and my wife really enjoys playing with him. She said she feels a real connection with him and he does with her. We often talk about fantasies during sex and I brought up her meeting alone with him and she loved it and the sex was amazing.

 

We ended up with them exchanging phone numbers and chatting in private and I agreed to her meeting him alone. It turned me on but for the first time in years I felt jealous. They started chatting about not just meeting for sex but going for drinks and flirting in a vanilla bar before going back to a hotel for hours of sex.

 

Finally I knew I had to tell me wife I didnt want this to happen and I wanted to call the whole thing off. We have have always had a rule 'if one says no then both say no'. At first she said fine but then over the next few days she wasn't herself and was quiet. She finally told me that she thought I was being controlling and not trusting her.

 

Im comfortable in most situations but this one actually makes me feel sick. Its not that I dont trust her,its more I don't like the thought of not knowing whats happening and going to vanilla bars etc feels more like dating than swinging to me.

 

Am I being unreasonable?

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

No, you're not being unreasonable. This is a both of you thing. Either you're both on board, or it's a no go. That your wife says you're being controlling and not trusting her is all the more reason to pull the plug on this. I'm seeing red warning flags all over this. This isn't going to get better by her playing alone with this guy. That will only make it worse. I'm sorry for her, but either she's committed to you or not. This shouldn't even be a question.

 

The only caveat I'll put in this is that we're hearing your side, and not hers. But really, I don't think I need more to go on here. You're not comfortable with this. That should end it with this guy period.

 

My wife has had two long term boyfriends in the past that she played solo with many times. That worked better for us, having kids at home. Scheduling was difficult, and if she were to keep these men happy and interested, solo play was going to have to be a part of it. We agreed to that before going down that path. Had I expressed discomfort with that, I have no question she would have stopped it immediately. That's part of what made me comfortable about it; knowing that we were a team, even if she were playing solo.

 

Your wife may really be clicking with this guy, and that would likely make the sex all the better for her. So, I'm sure it's disappointing that this wouldn't move forward. But, is she willing to sacrifice you in the name of finding a fun sex partner that she clicks with? Really?

 

End the relationship with this guy now.

[njbm 2,728]

Some people do have solo sex. My wife and I prefer to be on the same premises. It’s not a matter of trust. The other player can develop feelings and pretty soon you have a mess on your hands. We also won’t play with people cheating on their spouses. 

[starswingers 23]

6 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

No, you're not being unreasonable. This is a both of you thing. Either you're both on board, or it's a no go. That your wife says you're being controlling and not trusting her is all the more reason to pull the plug on this. I'm seeing red warning flags all over this. This isn't going to get better by her playing alone with this guy. That will only make it worse. I'm sorry for her, but either she's committed to you or not. This shouldn't even be a question.

 

The only caveat I'll put in this is that we're hearing your side, and not hers. But really, I don't think I need more to go on here. You're not comfortable with this. That should end it with this guy period.

 

My wife has had two long term boyfriends in the past that she played solo with many times. That worked better for us, having kids at home. Scheduling was difficult, and if she were to keep these men happy and interested, solo play was going to have to be a part of it. We agreed to that before going down that path. Had I expressed discomfort with that, I have no question she would have stopped it immediately. That's part of what made me comfortable about it; knowing that we were a team, even if she were playing solo.

 

Your wife may really be clicking with this guy, and that would likely make the sex all the better for her. So, I'm sure it's disappointing that this wouldn't move forward. But, is she willing to sacrifice you in the name of finding a fun sex partner that she clicks with? Really?

 

End the relationship with this guy now.

Hi

 

Thanks for the reply. I actually thought myself as I was writing this that you were only hearing my side but I did tell it how it is.

 

Part of the story is also that they have delevloped a dom/sub type relationship.  Again shes never done this before! I found it a real turn on because we have dabbled in bdsm before but again she totally threw herself into it with him.

 

I actually sat down with her last night and gave her the following options:

 

We can play with him as a couple like we have with guys before, have fun mfm's with no dom sub stuff. As a 3 way where he is joining us and we are open with him and tell him that there will never be any possibility of them meeting alone etc. If we go down this route it would mean no 1 on 1 chats because with single guys we have 3 way chats only. They would however still get alone time because one of our kinks is to arrange to meet in a hotel bar and then for my wife and the guy to go up to our room and then i wait 10-15 mins before 'catching' them in bed and joining in.

 

Or, we can telll him we have had enough, block him and move on.

 

Then there is the nuclear option that we stop swinging and go full vanilla.

 

Again she said to me 'so again its your rules dictating everything'. I dont think its true because these are the rules we came up with 10 years a go, if one says no we both say no. So I don't get the problem.

 

On 3 occasions shes pulled the plug on me, i was chatting to a single woman we met online and she said she didn't like her and i didn't even question it I just blocked. We met a couple where the woman really liked me and was pushing for single room fun and again she didn't like it so I blocked. Lastly we were chatting to a couple and arranged for me to have 1 v 1 webcam fun with the other woman. Afterwards my wife was really angry and said she couldn't handle it because she couldn't see what was happening. So we ended up never meeting the couple in question.

 

I reminded my wife of these incidents and she said that was early in our swinging journey and that it wouldn't bother her now. So I said if I wanted single meets it would be okay? To which she replied maybe if we built up to it over time. I said I would never do it anyway because its not something that intrests me. All the fun for me is watching her, which she knows is true because we play mfm or mf with me watching x10 than we do with couples. I haven't even played with another woman since pre covid and im not really bothered.

 

She replied well im not stopping you because i wouldn't want to control what you do. She said im starting to sound like a woman!!

 

I have to admit that last bit made me laugh because im actually starting to feel like all im talking about is my 'feelings' for the last 2 weeks lol. We really are very experienced swingers and never been in this situation before.

 

She said she accepts alone meets are off the table permanently. She said she never wants me to get her worked up over someone like that again and then once shes really into it take it away from her. Which is true, I did get really horny in bed and we did fantasise about it and I did encourage her. 

 

She said she might tell him that we are up for a mfm but that alone meets are off the table for now. She said she doesn't want him to know its off the table permanently because it might put him off. She said then we can all have fun and then do what we usually do and pull the plug when we get bored.

 

She also said she might just decide to give up swinging altogether because she doesn't like to feel controlled. She said shes really p*sssed that I dont trust her because no matter what a guy she meets thinks shes 100% committed to me and is hurt that I dont trust her on that.

 

Anyway thats we're are, we are talking but not much. I dont think its a trust issue I just dont like it but we will see where it goes.

[TeamCalgary 161]

My friend, you appear to have made your position clear to your wife.

And clearly, the desired scenario that she has outlined to you causes you angst.

 

My wife and I made a pact early in our LS journey; neither one of us would knowingly do anything to hurt the other

and if either one of us hurt the other, it would be forgiven. 

 

Is your wife willing to cause these ill feelings in you chasing this "fantasy". 

The two of you have been at this a while and are not likely easily "spooked". She should realize this 

and recognize that for you at least, at this time, this is outside of your comfort zone. 

 

That should be enough to end this pursuit.

[Numex 2,175]

You can't help how you feel; your wife should be sensitive to that.  But she may not see alone play as any different than being together, just a chance to be more free.

 

We are sort of the opposite, not bothered by alone play and even emotional involvement. For us, I think it's because we've always celebrated the happiness we see in the other from having a special person on the side, and most importantly we come back together more in love and revved up for each other than ever. My philosophy has always been that I rather know that another man who is having sex with my wife genuinely cares for her and doesn't just see her as a cum dump to be kicked to the side after they're done. For me, it helps that Daniela's alone play is often with both him and his wife.

 

My approach with your situation would to not be confrontational with you wife, but actually vulnerable and ask for her help dealing with the situation. Maybe only regular swinging - couples or a group situation with you there when they're together for now. Perhaps it can transition to their alone time being a once in a while thing when you get to feeling good about it.

Edited November 20, 2023 by Numex

[couplers 4,140]

On 11/18/2023 at 5:34 PM, starswingers said:

met a guy who is part of a couple. He and his wife both play alone and my wife really enjoys playing with him. She said she feels a real connection with him and he does with her. We often talk about fantasies during sex and I brought up her meeting alone with him and she loved it and the sex was amazing... I agreed to her meeting him alone. It turned me on but for the first time in years I felt jealous...  I had to tell me wife I didnt want this to happen and I wanted to call the whole thing off.

I agree with the above that your wife should be more understanding and sensitive to your feelings.  But look at it from her perspective: you offered your wife something, she liked it - a lot, then you took it back.  So maybe a compromise.  Agree with your wife for her to get together with her special friend only once a week or once a month.  As someone else said in a previous thread, these things usually burn hot and fast, but then flair out. 

 

As for the jealousy, embrace it and use it as a force for good.  In addition to allowing the crazy couple to go on periodic dates alone, you go out on vanilla dates - the three or four of you, get to know him.  If it's clicking, date the other wife alone.  To me, however, most importantly, treat her as if she did you a favor by playing alone, coming home to you, and sharing her stories, her body.

 

 

 

Edited November 20, 2023 by couplers

[starswingers 23]

Hi

 

Thanks for all the replies but we arenow back in our happy place :D

 

we are going to stick to meeting as a 3 and having lots of hot fun so it all worked out well in the end.

 

Happy swinging

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

Kind of funny how you said that they have kind of developed a dom/sub relationship and she is complaining that you are being controlling...isn't that what a dom/sub relationship is (at least in our experience it is, unless she is the dom)? Anyways, glad to hear that you are both back in your happy place, but we worry that things have just gone underground. You, however, know her better than we ever will so we hope you both the best as you continue forward.

[Anon321 481]

I can understand how you feel.  My GF meets up with guys regularly and there is a lot of dom/sub going on in the bedroom with them.  But it doesn't bother me and I actually enjoy hearing the stories, seeing pictures and videos of the action, getting calls from her during, etc.  The point is that I'm at least getting something out of it that also satisfies me.  If you aren't getting anything out of it other than nausea then I would want to end it too.

[starswingers 23]

17 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Kind of funny how you said that they have kind of developed a dom/sub relationship and she is complaining that you are being controlling...isn't that what a dom/sub relationship is (at least in our experience it is, unless she is the dom)? Anyways, glad to hear that you are both back in your happy place, but we worry that things have just gone underground. You, however, know her better than we ever will so we hope you both the best as you continue forward.

 

Ha ha no definitely not gone 'underground', we are always very open, and totally back to normal. We have decided to stick to 3 ways with the guy and will probably only see him two or three times a year anyway (probably should of said he lives around a 12 hour drive from us lol).

 

So yes we are happy and going to an early christmas swinging party on saturday night so we are all caught up in that now.

[starswingers 23]

16 hours ago, Anon321 said:

I can understand how you feel.  My GF meets up with guys regularly and there is a lot of dom/sub going on in the bedroom with them.  But it doesn't bother me and I actually enjoy hearing the stories, seeing pictures and videos of the action, getting calls from her during, etc.  The point is that I'm at least getting something out of it that also satisfies me.  If you aren't getting anything out of it other than nausea then I would want to end it too.

Ha ha yes definitely best to end it if the nausea kicks in.

 

Thanks for reply

[couplers 4,140]

18 hours ago, starswingers said:

we arenow back in our happy place

 

we are going to stick to meeting as a 3 and having lots of hot fun so it all worked out well in the end.

Wonderful! 

 

20 minutes ago, starswingers said:

will probably only see him two or three times a year anyway (probably should of said he lives around a 12 hour drive from us lol).

Wow, that's quite a distance.  From the situation you were describing, I thought that he lived around the corner and they were getting together frequently. 

 

OTOH, it must have been pretty hot for both of them to be willing to travel all that way.  Except I would have flown.

[couplers 4,140]

On 11/22/2023 at 7:00 AM, starswingers said:

he lives around a 12 hour drive from us

Is he in another country?  I believe you said that you live in the UK.  Nothing is that far.  🙂 Exeter to Inverness is only 600 miles, less than a 10 hour drive.

[starswingers 23]

2 hours ago, couplers said:

Is he in another country?  I believe you said that you live in the UK.  Nothing is that far.  🙂 Exeter to Inverness is only 600 miles, less than a 10 hour drive.

Ha Ha are you kidding? The roads here are a nightmare. Roadworks everywhere,  even a 20 mile journey can turn into a 1 hour mystery tour! He lives a good 350 miles away, with traffic etc it took us 10 hours last time we drove to their place for a party.