4th Wheel? Or am I just being silly?

[Aquaman16081 5]

New to the page and forum, but did a search through and couldn't find quite the right for the situation. Sorry, it's a long one.

 

I won't bore you with the details of how we got into the LS, suffice it to say we are newbs, been in a year and played 4 times now. 

 

Now to the issue of the title of my post. I am a very even keel kind of guy, I want experiences and play to be as equal as possible. We played with our last couple just a few days ago and were excited because there had been several missed opportunities with them before. We were at their house and we kind of all knew it was going to happen this time. Made our way upstairs, girls trying on lingerie, then we get into the play. Me and my wife have fairly established boundaries and know them well. The play was going along well, I was down on the wife and husband was down on my wife. Then after a little bit, my wife asks the husband if he wants his turn and they swap and she proceeds to go down on him. The wife has yet to offer any swap of positions and my neck is getting cramped at this point. I stand up and walk up towards her head as she is laying and she begins to suck on me while I'm standing there, this was as we had done some earlier in the play. Then after a couple of minutes, she hears here man getting more worked up, so she stops on me and flips to him and starts sucking his nipples while my wife is still sucking him off. I honestly kind of felt "lost", out of position and didn't know what to do with myself. I went around and tried rubbing on me wife from behind, but the position just wasn't going to work, though she tried to rearrange. So, I just kind of ended up awkwardly sitting off on the corner of the bed while my wife continued to suck and then jerk the husband off to completion. Then the whole play session just kind of dissolved with nary a glance of "oh, you got left out, let's take care of you". This struck me....as much as I'd like to be I'm not a watcher, I need to know there is at least some form of reciprocity coming my way. My wife could tell there was something wrong with me, I kind of shut down, but it was late and we were exhausted with an hour drive home. 

 

In the car my wife asks if I'm mad. To say I was mad would be incorrect, I felt "slighted" "cheated"....I don't really know how to put it. I was kind of mad at myself really for feeling like some kind of petulant child, "Bobby got to play on the swing and I didn't".... At any rate, my wife tried to take the blame for it saying she should have known that something was wrong and that she should have been paying more attention. I don't like her taking the blame, so I tried to take it back. That said, now, after a couple of days, it is still bugging me. She suggested that she assumed I was "finished" and that I should have climbed up onto the bed further so she could have reached over and grabbed me too. I realize that what bothers me is that I now feel like "Yes, the blame does lie more with her". I make obvious noises when I'm cumming, it's not a mystery. So I'm kind of upset with the "I didn't know". She would have heard me cumming, she should have known that I didn't. Then the way the whole thing just dissolved after the play and I was literally left holding my dick, I felt cheated out of part of the experience or something. All be it, this is the first time in our play that my wife has finished a guy off, so am I just dealing with some jealous feelings about that act? I honestly don't know and I really am frustrated with myself for the feelings I have. Why can't I just be a guy that enjoys the swinging experience come what may? In the all I just felt "put aside" I guess and it is kind of a shitty feeling. Also, is this something you can discuss with the other couple? Is that done in the LS? We really like them and love hanging out with them, and with the exception of this, the play was really fun and hot!.

[GoldCoCouple 4,026]

Stop swinging NOW until you can figure out what and why you are doing it. Maybe we have been doing it wrong this whole time, but when we play, I care more about if SHE is enjoying herself and not if I am enjoying it. Swinging (to us) is about giving enjoyment to our partners more than to ourselves. If you are upset because you didn't get to play, then I don't think you are into this for the right reasons (unless we are just doing it all wrong). Blame is something that shouldn't be given to anyone. If something were to happen to us that was similar to what you described, I would mention it to Ms. Gold and together we would not let it happen again. Remember, the two of you are a team and should always be checking in with each other. We might talk to the other couple, but not in a 'blameful' way, more along the lines of 'next time, lets spoil the other husband'. There have been time where I was with the other wife and Ms. Gold was with the other husband and both me and the other wife stopped so we could just watch our partners enjoy each other...and it was awesome! Neither one of us felt like we were 'missing' something, but sharing in something that was even greater together. Swinging should be more about giving and less about taking...unless we are just totally doing it wrong.

Edited August 28, 2023 by GoldCoCouple

[Aquaman16081 5]

3 minutes ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Stop swinging NOW until you can figure out what and why you are doing it. Maybe we have been doing it wrong this whole time, but when we play, I care more about if SHE is enjoying herself and not if I am enjoying it. Swinging (to us) is about giving enjoyment to our partners more than to ourselves. If you are upset because you didn't get to play, then I don't think you are into this for the right reasons (unless we are just doing it all wrong). Blame is something that shouldn't be given to anyone. If something were to happen to us that was similar to what you described, I would mention it to Ms. Gold and together we would not let it happen again. Remember, the two of you are a team and should always be checking in with each other. We might talk to the other couple, but not in a 'blameful' way, more along the lines of 'next time, lets spoil the other husband'. There have been time where I was with the other wife and Ms. Gold was with the other husband and both me and the other wife stopped so we could just watch our partners enjoy each other...and it was awesome! Neither one of us felt like we were 'missing' something, but sharing in something that was even greater together. Swinging should be more about giving and less about taking...unless we are just totally doing it wrong.

GoldCoCouple, thanks for the reply. I guess blame was the wrong word... responsibility maybe. The whole feeling really was less of, oh m just sitting aside and enjoying the show by choice and more forgotten in the background. Don't get me wrong, watching my wife do her thing is incredibly hot. It's not really about the not getting to play, but the simple fact of feeling like everyone focused on other dude and I was just put aside. I didn't want to interrupt what she was doing, that seemed wrong somehow, she was having fun and he was getting off. But then there was literally no conclusion for me, it was just...ok, welp we're done now. As I said, we're new, it takes time for me to process how I feel about things, we defintely aren't jumping back in with someone anytime in the near future. And in all I've never felt bad before, and I love when she gets hers. I agree, we are in it together, and I do want her to enjoy her time. It's more that I feel like she lost track of what was going and we didn't communicate effectively during play. Again, this is the first time she's ever gotten one of the guys off, I'm not used to that. So, process time and communication.

[lcmim 1,035]

Sometimes things go a bit awry. As things go this seems fairly trivial. If she is aware and it happens again, then it is time for a real sit down.

 

  It is possible your play partner was more concerned with what was going on in his bed than hers.

 I have seen situations where the other couple are so involved in their game that we were just pawns.

I do not think that they were even aware of it.

Between the two of us we shrugged it off. 

[nusofties 50]

Could you have entered her while she was sucking his nipples? Or gone back to eating her?

[PeterJ 834]

1 hour ago, Aquaman16081 said:

GoldCoCouple, thanks for the reply. I guess blame was the wrong word... responsibility maybe. The whole feeling really was less of, oh m just sitting aside and enjoying the show by choice and more forgotten in the background. Don't get me wrong, watching my wife do her thing is incredibly hot. It's not really about the not getting to play, but the simple fact of feeling like everyone focused on other dude and I was just put aside. I didn't want to interrupt what she was doing, that seemed wrong somehow, she was having fun and he was getting off. But then there was literally no conclusion for me, it was just...ok, welp we're done now. As I said, we're new, it takes time for me to process how I feel about things, we defintely aren't jumping back in with someone anytime in the near future. And in all I've never felt bad before, and I love when she gets hers. I agree, we are in it together, and I do want her to enjoy her time. It's more that I feel like she lost track of what was going and we didn't communicate effectively during play. Again, this is the first time she's ever gotten one of the guys off, I'm not used to that. So, process time and communication.

Aquaman, I completely agree with the wise counsel Gold has given you and I’m pleased to see that you’ve taken it aboard.

 

Two things, one I’m addressing to you specifically and the other of a more general nature. First, in all close or intimate relationships, sexual or otherwise, it’s important to voice to others your feelings/wishes/desires. In all candor, the couplings you’ve described seem well within the normal range. Implicitly you seem to believe that your wife and the other couple should have known that you felt unsatisfied and should have addressed that. I don’t mean this in a judgmental fashion, but consider how alternatively things might have gone if you had gently/humorously said some gentle version of "It was fun watching the three of you. How shall we get me off?" Did you and your wife have a prior conversation where you agreed that you wouldn’t stop till you were both satisfied? Or with the other couple to that effect? They aren’t mindreaders.
 

More generally, it’s been my observation that couples who put the needs of the other ahead of their own find more satisfaction from ENM life. If you aren’t familiar with the term, look up "compersion".

[shy_couple 448]

We have just one side of, essentially, a story with 4 sides. 
 

in our experience, we have known couples who were really looking for a 3-some BUT could not find an elusive unicorn and agree to meet a couple. Sometimes it’s more about them living out their fantasy and inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings 

 

This could be what happened to you. You mentioned that you are still newbies. Was the other couple also newbies? 

[Aquaman16081 5]

Thanks all for the advice. To answer a couple of questions. No there wasn't the option for penetration, we don't full swap, so no penetration of the other wife and my wife wasn't in position to be engaged. The other couple is actually very experienced. PeterJ, I think you hit the nail most completely on the head. I had some felling or thought that the other couple and even my wife should know that I wasn't involved in some way. I realize that isn't the way to think because people can't read minds.

 

In the end I wasn't enormously upset, you have to understand that the way I deal with stuff is that I tend to think on it extensively for a couple of days to determine what I feel. Don't know why, that's just how I process. My wife and I spoke more about it yesterday and came to realize that it was really just a breakdown in communication. I assumed my wife should know when I've finished, but apparently, I'm not as vocal when I finish as I thought. And further, I apparently have different sounds between oral and intercourse. So, there was no way she would have known unless I flat out told her. I didn't interrupt things or try to squeeze up in there and maybe I should have tried to push in more and make my own space. That said, we determined that if we are in a scenario where we sense the other off to the side or out of the game a little, we will make eye contact, and / or the one of use that has gotten kind of left out a little will give a little light double bootie tap as a silent sign to switch back to each other. Lastly, I do think maybe there was a twinge of jealousy in there....lets be honest this is the first time in 25 years my wife has gotten another man off...and certainly the first time I've ever seen her do it. It wasn't unexpected, but hadn't happened yet and I had to process that emotion too. Let's be honest though it was hot, she gets a little look of control on her face while she's doing her thing and it's definitely awesome to watch. 

 

At any rate, we are good. I needed that extra talk and I should have been more completely honest with here initially. The problem was that I thought I was okay, it just took a couple of days. Thanks again all!

[GoldCoCouple 4,026]

'Next time, lets spoil the other husband' (meaning you)

[zonaboy801 32]

You guys have had several experiences with soft swapping. After you tweak your communication style, any plans to go full swap in the near future?

[TeamCalgary 161]

Aquaman,

 

May we offer a suggestion that will serve you well in this journey.

 

You and your wife, agree to a pact, and commit to honour it. 

 

That pact, is that neither of you commits to ever doing anything to intentionally hurt the other. 

The point of this, is when things go wrong, the finger pointing never has a chance to start.

The situation is the issue, and the two of you are a team. Always. 

 

You are going to see all kinds of things in this hobby and meet all kinds of people; don't be hesitate to share your thoughts 

with your spouse and those people who you engage with; you will find that this will likely increase your satisfaction. 

 

Good luck to you friend. 

[enhancer 1,556]

Something I learned very quickly in the lifestyle is that the women are always going to be the ones who are going to get a lot of attention and things are not always going to be equal when it comes to play time!
 

 This is something I was and am 100 percent okay with.  Her pleasure and fulfillment is something that makes me happy as well and only makes our sex life together even better.  As they say happy wife happy life. 

 

There were plenty of times in the past where only she was playing with the other wife or I did not cum while playing with another woman and not one of them bothered me.  I enjoyed every experience with her.

 

I think if as a man you are entering into this lifestyle with your wife feeling it is going to be an equal playing field you are setting yourself up for some disappointment along the way.