Couple but she is the only one playin

[Gilbert 2]

We are a married couple in the lifestyle for approx 3 years. Only thing is wife is the only one playing. I am a truck driver seldom home on weekends. I’m 62 she is 52 she has a nice body I’m overweight. And couples her age don’t want me and couples my age my wife says are generally too old. We do only MFM basically. I’m getting jealous and my feelings hurt most of the time. She plays 3 or sometimes 4 times per month..

I NEED HELP! 
~G~

[jamesok 39]

Well, first off, thanks for your service. You guys keep this country goin'. I only did intrastate for a couple of years and don't know how y'all do it. Now, on to the issue at hand. I'm probably not the best to answer this since my wife and I only do MFM's for the time bein' but I'll give it a shot. I can see why you are getting jealous and hurt. Have you talked to your wife about this? Regardless of how you do the lifestyle or marriage in general, open communication is key to it remainin' healthy. It's a team sport and everyone needs to playin' out of the same book. If either party is uncomfortable with the situation, or even worse, it's definitely time to stop, talk and regroup on it. Hopefully some of the other more experienced members here chime in before too long. I know they have helped my marriage in general with good, no bull shit advice.

[Numex 2,175]

I can empathize with you, when we met my wife was in her late 20s, me in my 50s.  We started in the lifestyle, at my urging, with only her playing while I was monogamous.  We had a lot of sex between just us, but to me the important part was that my wife was happy.  From starting before we married, she became monogamous with me but she wasn't before that, usually having two or three relationships going at once.  I sensed that she would like to do that again so I said she could do so, and on her own terms.

 

I took satisfaction and pleasure in the fact that this made her happy.  Our good sex life, despite my fears, got even better.

 

So calm down and look at the positive side as well as the negative.  Count your blessings that you have such an attractive wife that other men desire her.  Your wife is in the lifestyle.  There are men, some who post here, that would give their left nut to get their wife to play.  Start with what you have, talk about it and work it from there.  You do MFMs, there's a lot to be enjoyed with that.  Does your wife ever play alone?  That's how we started and having my wife come home after time with a lover was fantastic for us, as if we were sharing in a naughty conspiracy.  So for now, go with what you have and enjoy it.  You could also strive to find that special couple who wants to pay with you both and pretty much stick with them.  It may take some time and be a chore, but finding them will give you what you both want.

 

Finally, have faith and confidence in yourself and use this as an incentive to take control of you life and eliminate the negatives.  Lose weight, get in shape, and work on whatever else that you think needs improving.  It's hard, damn hard, but worth it in every way.  Being appealing to women much younger than me, the wives in our closed swinging group of married couples, is a tremendous incentive to skip the pizza for a salad and get on the bike or run early in the morning.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

Edited June 4, 2023 by Numex

[Gilbert 2]

1 hour ago, jamesok said:

Well, first off, thanks for your service. You guys keep this country goin'. I only did intrastate for a couple of years and don't know how y'all do it. Now, on to the issue at hand. I'm probably not the best to answer this since my wife and I only do MFM's for the time bein' but I'll give it a shot. I can see why you are getting jealous and hurt. Have you talked to your wife about this? Regardless of how you do the lifestyle or marriage in general, open communication is key to it remainin' healthy. It's a team sport and everyone needs to playin' out of the same book. If either party is uncomfortable with the situation, or even worse, it's definitely time to stop, talk and regroup on it. Hopefully some of the other more experienced members here chime in before too long. I know they have helped my marriage in general with good, no bull shit advice.

Thank you for the advice. We do talk about it but i think my wife doesn’t really know how I feel. As much as I try to communicate and express myself it’s like I’m talking to someone in a different language. She says we are good and she loves me but inside I’m not good my feelings are all F’d up maybe I’m not good with her playing. I started the whole idea of the swinger lifestyle. She was reluctant at first now I don’t think she can slow down or stop lol.

[Gilbert 2]

Thank you for the advice. We do talk about it but i think my wife doesn’t really know how I feel. As much as I try to communicate and express myself it’s like I’m talking to someone in a different language. She says we are good and she loves me but inside I’m not good my feelings are all F’d up maybe I’m not good with her playing. I started the whole idea of the swinger lifestyle. She was reluctant at first now I don’t think she can slow down or stop lol.

[jamesok 39]

I don't know your and your wife's upbringing, but for me and mine it was rather conservative. Took us about 14 years of marriage to actually be able to talk about anything and everything without any guards up. For me, one of those guards was bein' vulnerable. The biggest rule we set up before there was any exploration outside of the marriage was if either of us was uncomfortable with the situation, all either of us had to say was "No more.". Then we could talk about it. But a simple no would put a pause on any and everything. Have you told your wife that you are jealous but not only that, that the current situation was hurting ya on the inside? I know I've been there before on other matters with my wife and wasn't blunt about it, instead I kinda danced around the vulnerability of that, and that did neither of us any favors.

[TeamCalgary 161]

Hello Gilbert,

 

I feel for you brother.

 

A central tenet of this lifestyle is that the wagon (you as a couple) only move as fast as the slowest horse (and it sounds to me that 

you are currently the slowest horse). You need to communicate clearly and emphatically to your wife how you are feeling and the two of 

you need to slow things down and move at the pace of the slowest horse (you). 

 

Best regards from Canada. 

[clover588 56]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Honestly, I don't have much to input except for, if you're running into a brick wall with her? You're going to have to be blunt. My husband, jamesok, mentioned how dancing around the issue doesn't help. It has made things worse when he's just hinted because I'm awful about picking up on hints. When hes just outright blunt and honest? I get it. Makes sense. Things have to be communicated on what's ok and what's not. We constantly discuss those things because lines have to be drawn and communication has to be there. He knows my boundaries and I know his. I refuse to cross the lines he's set for me, just like he doesn't cross mine. It's all about communication and trust. If something is hurting you, you need to be outfront and honest, otherwise it's going to keep eating at you. 

Edited June 5, 2023 by clover588

[Gilbert 2]

Thank you all for the replies. My wife is Mexican and was raised in a religious home. Not saying religion is bad whatsoever. I am a born American and my Spanish isn’t perfect and she speaks very little English. So we both struggle with saying the correct words to what we mean to say. She was reluctant at first now she’s unstoppable. She can have multiple orgazms and I can’t keep going and going. So that is why I mentioned to her about the lifestyle so she can have the pleasure I can’t keep up with. It was working fine but now it’s all about her. I feel as though I’m just in her way. Sometimes I feel like she’d be better off with someone her age. She told me “we can stop” I told her “I haven’t started” what do you mean “we”. It’s hard enough not being home because I’m truck driving then when I get home she’s already been with her sex playmate so I don’t get that much attention maybe just oral and we’re off to sleep. When we talk about it I ask how she would feel if the roles were reversed she says she wouldn’t have a problem like I do.. she says that because she hasn’t been there I don’t leave her out of anything but she does when it comes to the lifestyle. 
thanks again I’m gonna write a letter to her so she can think about what I’m trying to say and hopefully she can think about how she is making me feel. 
and hey if im wrong im wrong I will admit it!!!

[couplers 4,140]

I have nothing to add to the advice given above, but a couple of observations: 

4 hours ago, Gilbert said:

She was reluctant at first now she’s unstoppable.

It is a theme that is repeated here, the husband is the one who gets a couple into the lifestyle but it is the wife who keeps them there.

 

4 hours ago, Gilbert said:

She can have multiple orgazms and I can’t keep going and going. So that is why I mentioned to her about the lifestyle so she can have the pleasure I can’t keep up with.

I admire your sensitivity to her needs and generosity in allowing her to satisfy them.

 

Please let us know how it goes.  I hope it works out. 

[jamesok 39]

Well, you weren't lyin' when ya said it's like y'all are speakin' two different languages. I just took that as a rhetorical statement and not literally. I can only imagine how much more difficult that makes it to talk things out. Clover and I had a hard enough time even though we both speak perfect Okie lol. Writin' it out may be a good idea to get the point across, not only so she can take the time to read things again but also give you the time to figure out a good way to put it in Spanish. I know for myself, even if the people I was dealing with in business were completely literate in English, but raised and lived in a different culture, I really had to take the time to write things out in a way they could understand, then take the time to understand what they were tryin' to communicate back to me. Written communication made that easier than talkin' over the phone. I never was successful with dealing with mainly Spanish speakers at the parts counter, mainly because I speak no Spanish. 

 

I feel ya on the multiorgasmic wife, Clover is the same way. It can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. I had to learn how to enjoy usin' my hands and mouth too to fully satisfy her by myself. Only time I was able to do that with just plain old sex was when I was on paroxetine, but that had the side effect of making orgasm on my end extremely difficult.

 

I understand how hard driving a truck can be on the rest of your life. Makes it hard to eat right, get exercise and just about everything else. With the way most people drive anymore, it just wears a guy out having to be on guard constantly. Add on the elogs makin' it impossible to fudge the numbers a bit so you can take a little extra time gettin' somewhere good to stop, that doesn't help either. Probably the only reason it didn't make me put on a lot of weight is it made me smoke 3 packs a day just due to nerves.

 

Good luck on it all man and remember we're all here to talk to. 

[ConfusedHubby 106]

This is a tough situation I can certainly sympathize with and get an inclination as to how you feel.  When we got started in the LS we both played, but through my own insecurities, I felt at times like I was the tag along for others (primarily couples) to have the opportunity to be with her.   My wife is high extroverted, flirty, thick in the right ways and is a classic beauty and always attracted a lot of attention.  I am a lot more introverted and a cerebral guy, who is usually in great shape (bodybuilder) and despite being regarded as highly attractive, I often lack confidence and charisma, especially in new environments.   

 

While I'd eventually play when we went to parties (we only play together but don't have an issue with separate rooms at events), it seemed she would always be immediately sought by very attractive people while I might struggle to put myself out there and engage potential partners.  I remember one night a couple years ago at a hotel party, where I asked two women I was interested in to play and was given answers along the lines of "not ready yet, maybe later" while the wife was immediately off to the races.  Figuring I could at least start with the wife and build a little comfort, I sought her out to find her already completely engulfed in an MFM.   I recall not wanting to bring negative energy to her good time and going back to the kitchen/bar area where I sat uncomfortably with a big fake smile on my face, staying busy with a beverage in hand and pretending I wasn't internally struggling with the situation.  I imagine that is how  you're feeling all the time from how you describe things, which I'm truly sorry for.

 

Most of what I can offer you here in empathy, but I will say that as I spent more time in the lifestyle I found it easier to come out of my shell, joke around and get out of my own head and when I did so the game changed massively.  As it changed, it had a snowball effect all around, like a positive feedback cycle--as I was rewarded for opening my mouth and putting myself out there, it  became easier to do so.   As having a good body was noticed and appreciated, it fueled me to strive for a great one.   As learning to exude confidence (even if you're intimidated inside) got me positive results, it became more natural to put off that vibe (fake it till you make it).  Sort of like a Tony Robbins coached biochemical re-alignment.

 

If the LS is something you want, perhaps the best approach for you is a pragmatic one.  If you feel your weight is a big issue, take the first step towards a healthier lifestyle.    I'm sure being a trucker makes it difficult to exercise regularly and you can't very well change your age and you aren't going to have the hormone levels of a 30-something, but getting on track can not only help your physical appearance, but your emotional state which allows your personality traits to come out and may be helpful attracting potential partners.  On both sides of the coin (my wife and I) we've encountered people who are not generally what we're attracted to (within reason), but were won over by personalities and had wonderful experiences/built friendships. 

 

This may not be the full solution, but it's one of the first problems you outline and is at least partially within your control.

 

Good luck to you.

[enhancer 1,542]

A couple in an open relationship is never going to be on an even playing field!  The women are always going to have way more opportunities no matter their age, looks or weight.  That is just a fact.  I personally think any guy that thinks this is a good idea either does not care if their wife is out there getting tons of sex while they are not getting any or just has not clue on how much easier it is for a women to get laid then it is for a man.  Not a chance I would be in an open relationship, but if it works for others good for them.  
 

If you are not happy with the open relationship then end it!  That is if it is not too late.  

[NoAngels 303]

On 6/5/2023 at 1:39 PM, enhancer said:

A couple in an open relationship is never going to be on an even playing field!  The women are always going to have way more opportunities no matter

I agree, most women have many choices while men have to act in a special way to find a woman they would want to be with. The women I played with were business associates that knew me well enough, I didn’t hide the fact I was married, that they said they looked forward to my visits. On the rare occasion that I met someone at a hotel bar who went back to my room I considered myself a true salesman. 
My wife goes online and has her pick of willing partners. I feel lucky to have a desirable wife that can enjoy herself. 

[herpob 523]

We had  some similar things happen like that with us. I played with my husband for a long time in RP with our inventory of playthings thinking, I wonder what it'd be like if we tried it with real people? Over time introducing more and more ideas to each others we had a discussion about it deciding to venture out and see what the lifestyle is like. Scared the jeeperz out of us at first but also equally turned us on. It took a while longer but we eventually became acclimated to being around others having sex, building friendships, trust, and finally started having sex in the same room as others. Then I had my first friend, then another, and another. It took me three times and I was all in! My fourth and fifth I became wilder. Scared my husband. He settled down but only had sex with me in between me having sex with others. As time went by he and the other men in pairs would love on me together. I thought I'd hit the jackpot. Then got to know three bicouples, a whole other level of scared the begeebees out of us and yet somehow attracted us to them. They were so real, so care free, the sex flowed, no hindrances, Wow! The combination of their personalities, lifestyle, and sex won us over. When they finally went all out same gender I thought my husband was going to get up and leave he was sweating so bad and his eyes were so wide I thought they'd pop. I was the first to dive in (yes he was okay with it - all same room).  A husband here, another there, then my husband and another husband. Again with winning the jackpot! I was so into the next few months it was most of what I talked about. Husband was overwhelmed but never said stop so we would meet once a week as a group for a few hours. The wives asked when they were going to get to be with him. I let them know he was on his own time table.

 

Skipping way ahead to the next Freak Out - Mine. The group grew with more wonderful friendships, all bicouples. More went on and one day we were able to break through a fantasy of mine, my husband even enjoyed it. Time went on and something clicked in him, this time he went gungho. Scared me. So even in the incredible friendship, loveship, and comradery, we still have our freak out moments. We always dialed it back, moved forward with restraint, and all works itself out. We never do anything without the other present even if one of us is not participating we stay in the same room. We stop if one of us needs to leave. We never ever are alone separated with anyone, everything is all same room even shower sex. We found our balance, what works for us. When I get overboard, he protects me from myself - Yes I can wear myself raw.  I do the same for him, I know his limits when I need to say, "You know how much you've had in the last hour?"

 

Perhaps you two need to dial it back a bit, then proceed cautiously with whatever your guidelines are. Find your balance. 

[couplers 4,140]

On 6/14/2023 at 5:10 PM, herpob said:

 It took me three times and I was all in! My fourth and fifth I became wilder. Scared my husband. He settled down but only had sex with me in between me having sex with others. As time went by he and the other men in pairs would love on me together. I thought I'd hit the jackpot.

You did hit the jackpot, you have a wonderful, understanding, generous husband. 

[Only4Fun85 5]

Personally I’m a realist and have from the get go understood and accepted the fact that when it comes to the lifestyle it’s ALWAYS about my wife. Wherever we go all eyes are on her. Yes, I’m basically riding her coattails. I know my place. But I’m okay with that. That’s because we are both always sensitive to each other’s feelings and needs. In the end everyone is happy.

 

I feel for you if you’re not getting fulfillment out of you and your wife’s arrangement. It appears, and I could be wrong, that you have let things get out of hand. I don’t know other than with some sincere communication and understanding that truly brings on a change of heart if there’s anything that can be done to fix things so that you and your wife are BOTH happy. The lifestyle is an awesome additive to a marriage when both parties are on the same page. I hope things work out for you. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,086]

On 8/4/2023 at 11:53 PM, Only4Fun85 said:

Personally I’m a realist and have from the get go understood and accepted the fact that when it comes to the lifestyle it’s ALWAYS about my wife. Wherever we go all eyes are on her. Yes, I’m basically riding her coattails. I know my place. But I’m okay with that. That’s because we are both always sensitive to each other’s feelings and needs. In the end everyone is happy...

I think this situation is more common than ppl think. When we were young things were more even, couples swap etc. But as we matured I (hubby) took more of a backseat while my wife continued to expand her boundaries. Dating, boyfriends, weekends away... even a couple full-week vacations just her and a lover while I worked and stayed home. All with my blessing, of course.

 

I look at it this way: sex, passion, a bit of romance... and even love are good things. A woman has the capacity to enjoy - and love - more than one man simultaneously.  She puts me first but I know I'm not her only. I'm never afraid she will leave me bc I don't make her choose. With me she knows she can have it all.

 

I LOVE being married to a highly sexual woman and I want her to have all the love and satisfaction she wants in life. Yes, I have to keep feelings of jealousy and mixed emotions in check.  After 25 years in the lifestyle that's actually quite easy.

 

That's just my 2 cents anyway.

[Numex 2,175]

5 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Dating, boyfriends, weekends away... even a couple full-week vacations just her and a lover while I worked and stayed home. All with my blessing, of course.

 

I look at it this way: sex, passion, a bit of romance... and even love are good things. A woman has the capacity to enjoy - and love - more than one man simultaneously.  She puts me first but I know I'm not her only. I'm never afraid she will leave me bc I don't make her choose. With me she knows she can have it all.

Exactly.  I wanted Daniela to hotwife me not because I got a thrill from it, but because she is by nature not monogamous and she found fulfillment as a woman with multiple lovers. (and I still got all that I wanted and needed.)