Just Exploring

[ExploringOptions 180]

This topic fits us perfectly as we/I are curious about swinging. I have searched on many sites the how, when and where, why and the ramifications of sex with someone other than my husband. 
Background first. We are married five years and still love having sex every day. I would say we are extremely sexually compatible and he completely satisfies me almost every time, he still shakes my world. Without bragging we are in shape, my husband is very handsome and I know i get looked at when I’m at the gym. 
My husband has a way of looking at other women and saying he would do her in a joking fashion. My answer is always pointing at a man a say I would do him. These have always been innocent funny love talk with no intention, on my part and hopefully not his either, of doing anybody else. All of this talk is based on physical attraction of others, it’s our way of saying we think those we are looking at are good looking. 
Several weeks ago on vacation we were approached by a couple on a beach to have drinks. We had no idea they were picking us up, the were both in the I would do him or her class. The conversation over the next two hours became more sexual, I was becoming a little uncomfortable but played along. I think I was flattered with the attention while not ready for what they were suggesting. If we were open to it they would have been the type we would be with. I don’t think I was ready to do anything like this nor did I want to. 
Without ever thinking about swinging we are now having a talk. We are curious as this forum topic is about. 
Not ready to sign up for swinger meet up sites or putting a profile on a site, we are curious how others jumped into the pool without jumping the shark and ruining a good thing. How did you meet your first, how did you get to have sex with someone new that first time? 

[let's do it again 389]

For me and my ex we were in our early 20's and we went to her maid of honor apartment where her maid of honor and boyfriend asked if they could watch us fuck. We agreed and I started fucking my ex when the other couple started in. We first fucked our partners and then agreed to swap. She broke up with her boyfriend but we played with her and the various men that she was with. For us it made more sense to start with people we knew, some want total strangers. Take baby steps and you will ease into it, but set rules before you ever start.

[Shore2Please 543]

3 hours ago, ExploringOptions said:

Several weeks ago on vacation we were approached by a couple on a beach to have drinks. We had no idea they were picking us up,

Years ago on a vacation cruise we ran into a situation like yours, meeting a good looking fit couple that we went to an island beach with. The difference was the beach was clothing optional, a thing my husband and I discussed beforehand knowing we would never see these people again. It’s funny how something that we wouldn’t do at a beach close to home we now did with a few couples we just met. If you are like me you spent days shopping before your vacation looking for that perfect bathing suit that hid what you wanted to hide and made you feel sexy. So here I was exposing my self with nothing covering up flaws to strangers. Sure none of us are perfect but in our small group no one was too bad. 
That night with a little too much alcohol, I’ll always blame the alcohol, we and one of our new friends decided to swap spouses. I still joke they got me drunk to convince me, I know it’s my excuse if it went wrong. I went to his cabin, she went with my husband to our cabin. Being naked to a man on a beach is not the same as him undressing you to have sex, for me it came easier. Alcohol ease? 

 

4 hours ago, ExploringOptions said:

how did you get to have sex with someone new that first time?

Alone with him it went easy without much thought. As many times as I have repeated this first time I’m amazed how I enjoyed the night and how I enjoy reliving it each time I tell the story. What I thought was a one time with a stranger has become a years long more than friendship. 
People say the first time is the hardest, I say the first time was the best of many great times. 

[let's do it again 389]

Absolutely when you have sex with a new partner you never know where it will take you. Isn't it wonderful the first time having sex with a new partner!

[MrMrsswinger 185]

Set up a profile on a swinger site. This will give you access to browse other profiles. Spending time reading profiles, maybe chatting. Just get your feet wet. You can't jump the shark if you aren't out on the water skiing (with your leather jacket on). Take your time. 

[bbarnsworth 2,546]

ExploringOptions, welcome! You're in the right place! This is a helpful bunch of people, and we'll be happy to answer your questions.

 

I'm glad you didn't act on the possibility of playing with that other couple before you and your husband had really talked this out. That would have been a big, big mistake! One thing you sort of naturally are already doing that is important in the swinger world; don't change rules mid-stream. I.e., know where the limits are before going into a potential play situation and stick to those limits until you've had chance to talk more. So, without even thinking of it you're already doing well

 

To your questions;

 

For my wife and I, we began exploring the concept of swinging some six years into our marriage. I'd been briefly involved in a triad (husband, wife, me) before meeting my wife. She'd previously noted that she couldn't accept the idea this wife had gone against her marital vows. I never thought we would get into swinging, nor did I even think about it. I was fine with that. Fast forward to being married six years and my wife mentions it would be cool to have two men massaging her (she looooves massage) at the same time. That tiny little spark started a months long discussion, with lots of time spent digging around on the net trying to find answers, and getting a lot of them here. We talked thinks over, thought of potential scenarios, re-talked over points we'd previously talked over, etc. etc. etc. We too developed the same thing you two have; looking at other people and saying "She's/He's a yes!" It's fun to do As we talked more, the "She's/He's a yes!" started becoming more real in our minds. After months of this, we finally figured we'd talked as much as we could about it, and felt nervously comfortable with the idea of trying it. We figured we'd try a few times and see how it was. If it kept on being "blah" then we'd give it up.

 

Our first forays were set up by going to a swinger club and also signing up at swinglifestyle.com (SLS). Through the club, we soft-swapped with a couple, which was a good ice breaker for us. We had an enjoyable evening. From there we moved onto meeting up with single guys for MFMs via SLS. The first couple of times we did this, my wife had an ok time, but not great. Just kinda..."eh". But, the third time...wow! I mean WOW! My wife absolutely LOOOVED having sex with the guy and could not get enough. After we left, she said with a big grin on her face, "Ok, NOW I'm a swinger!" Having these MFMs felt a bit awkward at first. You don't grow up thinking about having sex as a threesome! But it all worked out well. We all know what to do, it's just having a third involved too The very first time, I helped undress my wife for the gentleman while he was kissing her and moving his hands over her body. Things progressed from there.

 

Feel free to ask us anything!

[couplers 4,217]

17 hours ago, let's do it again said:

She broke up with her boyfriend but we played with her and the various men that she was with.

She must have had an interesting dating life.  How did she introduce you two after she became romantic with a guy?  "I want you to meet the couple I play with."  "Want to join us?"

 

I really admire her.  Her confidence, her sexuality, her power.  Women should be like this and men accept them as partners and spouses. 

 

 

Edited May 24, 2023 by couplers

[couplers 4,217]

16 hours ago, Shore2Please said:

As many times as I have repeated this first time I’m amazed how I enjoyed the night and how I enjoy reliving it each time I tell the story.

It is wonderful every time that you tell us the story, each with a little more context or detail.  It immerses me in the situation and makes me think about the experience and how you felt.

 

You jumped in with both feet, taking a lover.  The next morning you saw your husband in bed with his wife...  In my mind, it seems as though there is still so much to share; for instance, what was going through your mind as your husband looked at you for the first time afterwards?  As I have often said before, I find these situations romantic, compelling,thought provoking.

 

 

Edited May 24, 2023 by couplers

[let's do it again 389]

1 hour ago, couplers said:

She must have had an interesting dating life.  How did she introduce you two after she became romantic with a guy?  "I want you to meet the couple I play with."  "Want to join us?"

 

I really admire her.  Her confidence, her sexuality, her power.  Women should be like this and men accept them as partners and spouses. 

 

 

I don't admire her, really she is sad person. We got along with her because we asked for nothing. She has a bad drinking habit, takes antidepressants,  and run off family and friends that she doesn't think the same as her.

As far as the swinging with her different men, they had to accept it or they were out, and that's what happened to most of them, she wouldn't be easy to live with. As far as us swinging with her, she will do anything and always wanted to initiate. So no, she is not glamorous, she is sad and promiscuous. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,032]

We jumped in one toe at a time. It started by us talking about our past sexual experiences (interesting and sexy as well) and moved on to talking about our fantasies. as trust built, we just kept talking and asked if we wanted to try and make some of the fantasies come true. We kept talking and developed our own rules, limits and boundaries, even though we were both 'nervous' (for lack of a better word) as to what it could cause to our relationship. More talk and we set up a profile on SLS and started meeting people for dinners, just to see if there was any interest. There were LOTS of dinners that went nowhere other than a fun night out with another couple and some sexy talks as we exchanged experiences and the like. Eventually, we met another couple that we 'clicked' with and we started 'dating' them. We all talked and set common rules and modified them as we found them unnecessary (or just silly...we started with the 'no kissing' rule that didn't last very long) Next came same room sex, then soft swaps, then vacations, concerts, weekends, etc together. It has been an amazing experience! Nothing like having another couple that you are best friends with...AND you can get naked with.

 

You don't need to jump into the deep end. You can just wade into the water and get used to the temperature. If it gets too cold, you can just as easily get back out. One rule that we have always had was if wither of us wanted to stop, we both would stop...never looking back, never asking questions. Since this is more than either of us thought we would experience, we are SO FAR ahead of the game and so much closer than we ever could imagine that it would be okay to just stop (but that hasn't happened...it might some day, but not yet). The only 'sad' thing is that the other couple that we had been dating for so many years finally had to move further away. Now instead of being able to get together as much as we liked, it's become a once every several months thing, but sometimes life intervenes.

 

Just remember to always keep talking and don't rush things...you have your entire lives ahead so enjoy the trip as much as the destination. Good luck with whatever you decide and let us know how you are doing no matter what it is.

[Shore2Please 543]

13 hours ago, couplers said:

It is wonderful every time that you tell us the story, each with a little more context or detail.  It immerses me in the situation and makes me think about the experience and how you felt.

 

You jumped in with both feet, taking a lover.  The next morning you saw your husband in bed with his wife...  In my mind, it seems as though there is still so much to share; for instance, what was going through your mind as your husband looked at you for the first time afterwards?  As I have often said before, I find these situations romantic, compelling,thought provoking.

 

 

So many memories, good and not great ones. I try to remember that first night as a great night that lead to more fun and memorable times. I also try to erase the uncomfortable times that is all part of mostly positive change in our life. It’s many years now from when I saw my husband with the woman he slept with, naked in what was my bed. Even if my night was great I still had that jealous feeling of seeing her. My husband assured me he was thrilled that I had a good night. He asked me more, I didn’t ask him much. Our next day play has bothered me for years, even if I try to play it off. I had been the brunt of some jokes the times we met them later on. My husband enjoyed watching at my expense me having sex or a man having sex with me, totally different from the man I was with the night before. He enjoyed watching me be uncomfortable having a woman rubbing on my mouth for my first time, enjoyed being in a woman who orally made me orgasm when I didn’t want to. 
I still wish that next day didn’t happen the way it did, a day we no longer talk about, and now a day that changed me for what I like to say for the better. Better because it prepared me for things we eventually did together and alone. 

[couplers 4,217]

22 hours ago, let's do it again said:

I don't admire her, really she is sad person. We got along with her because we asked for nothing. She has a bad drinking habit, takes antidepressants,  and run off family and friends that she doesn't think the same as her.

As far as the swinging with her different men, they had to accept it or they were out, and that's what happened to most of them, she wouldn't be easy to live with. As far as us swinging with her, she will do anything and always wanted to initiate. So no, she is not glamorous, she is sad and promiscuous. 

Wow, thanks for the correction.  I really misjudged her and the situation.

 

Drinking, drugs are signs of problems and disaster ahead for anyone, so I understand how she could be a mess.  And running off friends and family makes it even worse.

 

Indeed, her situation is sad because of substance abuse and inability to form relationships.  But I don’t see promiscuity itself as the problem (it is inherent in swinging) nor is her requirement that men she dates be in the lifestyle (the man who married me accepted my boyfriend).  It is the destructive baggage of drugs, self-centeredness, and immaturity.  It is interesting that you put up with it for a time.

 

Looking at the profiles here, most people in the lifestyle are older, married first then got into it.  My concept of the self-confident, self-sufficient, empowered young woman appers to be a fantasy.   The women who I looked up to here, PSULioness and Kellimc, no longer are around.   And my story is not one of an in-control woman who told a man that I had a boyfriend, take it or leave it, but rather a generous man who reassured me that it was ok.

 

Once again, thanks for your post setting me straight.  Honest discussion is what I value here.

[let's do it again 389]

11 hours ago, couplers said:

Wow, thanks for the correction.  I really misjudged her and the situation.

 

Drinking, drugs are signs of problems and disaster ahead for anyone, so I understand how she could be a mess.  And running off friends and family makes it even worse.

 

Indeed, her situation is sad because of substance abuse and inability to form relationships.  But I don’t see promiscuity itself as the problem (it is inherent in swinging) nor is her requirement that men she dates be in the lifestyle (the man who married me accepted my boyfriend).  It is the destructive baggage of drugs, self-centeredness, and immaturity.  It is interesting that you put up with it for a time.

 

Looking at the profiles here, most people in the lifestyle are older, married first then got into it.  My concept of the self-confident, self-sufficient, empowered young woman appers to be a fantasy.   The women who I looked up to here, PSULioness and Kellimc, no longer are around.   And my story is not one of an in-control woman who told a man that I had a boyfriend, take it or leave it, but rather a generous man who reassured me that it was ok.

 

Once again, thanks for your post setting me straight.  Honest discussion is what I value here.

Everyone has their issues some are worse than others. Petra, you don't know how lucky your family is by being so supportive of one another. For a lot of us the ones that tell us they love you are the same ones that will fuck you.

Keep the stories with Joe and Shannon coming, I am sure there is more to come. I hope one day America will loosen up on sex, we prefer love not war!  Lol

[ExploringOptions 180]

On 5/23/2023 at 5:29 PM, MrMrsswinger said:

Set up a profile on a swinger site. This will give you access to browse other profiles. Spending time reading profiles, maybe chatting. Just get your feet wet. You can't jump the shark if you aren't out on the water skiing (with your leather jacket on). Take your time. 

Not sure if we are up to that point of making contact on a dating site, looking at profiles is interesting. It’s interesting that we are even having discussions about this, discussing and having fun. We look as unpaid lookers, not seeing total stories attached to profiles we wonder how many are fakes, the majority we saw we have to attraction to due to age, location or admittedly appearance. 

 

On 5/23/2023 at 3:43 PM, Shore2Please said:

People say the first time is the hardest, I say the first time was the best of many great times. 

I read your story and think that it could have been us if we just said yes to the invitation of joining them. It made me think if I could do what you did, alone with a stranger for sex, probably not because we said no. I hope the when or if we do take the next step that we have the same feelings you have now from a positive meeting. 

 

On 5/24/2023 at 11:11 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

We jumped in one toe at a time. It started by us talking about our past sexual experiences (interesting and sexy as well) and moved on to talking about our fantasies. as trust built, we just kept talking and asked if we wanted to try and make some of the fantasies come true. We kept talking and developed our own rules, limits and boundaries, even though we were both 'nervous' (for lack of a better word) as to what it could cause to our relationship.

That is where we are now, talking fantasies, I know some of his past, he knows mine, both of us have nothing exciting or earth shattering to hide. He has met my old boyfriends, I met some of his former girlfriends. 

 

On 5/24/2023 at 8:03 AM, couplers said:

You jumped in with both feet, taking a lover.  The next morning you saw your husband in bed with his wife.

That scares me, how will I react? I’m a jealous person. 

[couplers 4,217]

8 hours ago, ExploringOptions said:

I know some of his past,

We in our poly family know everything about the others past, both sexual and mundane.  While the others have a past before "us," I had almost nothing to share, Red having been my first in most ways.

 

9 hours ago, ExploringOptions said:

He has met my old boyfriends, I met some of his former girlfriends.

We have done that too.  For me, it brought jealousy, but was also exciting and satisfying.  Meeting Clair's past Lesbian lovers was most unusual. 

[AdamGunn2 224]

Like many of the other people on here, we started off quite slowly.

 

After being monogamous  for twenty years, I started writing erotic stories as a hobby. I showed my wife my work, she enjoyed it. This led into discussions about the lovers we had before we were married, and our fantasies. The process went in fits and starts; sometimes we’d have a long weekend where we’d talk of little else, or the topic might be completely dropped for a couple of months.

 

It took us three years before we decided to go to a swing club, and a week after that we both lost our Lifestyle cherry. The wait was worth it. By the time we jumped, we both knew what we wanted, what the other desired. There was no *extreme* surprises, neither of us became jealous or concerned.

 

Use the obvious conclusion: If either of you is unsure of anything, don’t do it! When you’re comfortable, when you’re ready, you’ll both know it.

 

Have fun in the journey.

[couplers 4,217]

11 hours ago, ExploringOptions said:

That scares me, how will I react? I’m a jealous person. 

That was me, and to a large degree still is.  I couldn't stand the thought of my husband David or boyfriend Red having sex with another woman, even though I had them both and both knew about the other.

 

For two years that were both monogamous with me (I worked really hard to keep them both satisfied, giving them whatever they wanted and as much as they wanted.  I actually liked the challenge of satisfying two men.)  Until one day my female friend said straight out that my husband was hot and it must be great sleeping with him.  It drove me over the edge.  She was much more attractive than me, I had seen David looking at her.  I snapped and said, "That can be arranged."  I went home and told (didn't ask) David to have sex with her.  They did.  I wasn't there to watch (David went over her place) but it drove me crazy.  I was insanely jealous, but I also loved it and couldn't wait for David to fuck her again, and other women too (of my choosing, I was a control freak).  When I found a girl who was ok with me watching, it took it to another level.  And I found "reclaiming" him to be exquisite.  (The first time I immediately took his spent dick in my mouth and tasted her.)  When I could not only watch, but also participate, it brought out my Lesbian side.

 

I still get jealous whenever David or Red has sex with Clair or Lora, or Clair and Lora go at it, but I now love the multitudes of feelings that I get.  Does she feel him the same way that I do?  Does her pussy feel better to him than mine?  Now I cannot shake my addiction.

 

It may feel dangerous, but agree that if you go for it and it isn't something you want to continue, you just stop at least for a while, and talk about it.  No recriminations, no blame, just move on.

[couplers 4,217]

15 hours ago, let's do it again said:

Petra, you don't know how lucky your family is by being so supportive of one another.

It does cross my mind from time to time how lucky we all are to have found each other.  And to have had the wonderful children that we do and the relationships.  The work is divided (and things run efficiently), and the happiness multiplied.  

[GoldCoCouple 4,032]

Quote

That scares me, how will I react? I’m a jealous person. 

Communication and trust is the enemy of jealousy. I was an extremely jealous person and found that good communication 'cures' jealousy.

[couplers 4,217]

21 minutes ago, GoldCoCouple said:

I was an extremely jealous person and found that good communication 'cures' jealousy.

I am not disagreeing with you, but for me good communication fuels my jealousy, but that's because it is what I am looking for.  I ask others in our family to tell me about their emotional feelings and the physical aspects of their relationships with the others in our family, and interrogate them about their past relationships (again, both the emotional and physical) before we met.  You loved her?  I'm jealous.  She was nothing more than just a good lay?  I'm jealous.

 

It makes me feel temporarily inadequate and drives me to prove myself as a total person and just a sex partner.  I suppose being open exposes my psychological weaknesses.

 

 

Edited May 26, 2023 by couplers

[ExploringOptions 180]

2 hours ago, AdamGunn2 said:

Use the obvious conclusion: If either of you is unsure of anything, don’t do it! When you’re comfortable, when you’re ready, you’ll both know it.

Unsure or afraid. How can we find a true connection by looking at profiles when it seems so unnatural and then I remember the duds I met on dating sites when I was single. Most guys overstate or brag, I know I picked a picture to post that showed me much more glamorous, my mother’s words at the time. I was uncomfortable the times I had dates from the app, you try to meet with an open mind then instinct takes over. 
I don’t think either of us are ready for a club, the picture in my mind is most likely not reality or is it? 
We read the post about meeting a couple on vacation that at first read was perfect, with deeper reading I notice the imperfections that occurred. I don’t know how I will react the first time and what would I do if the other woman took more control. 
I wonder who wrote monogamy is the normal way to live or is it just hypocrites lying to the world. We won’t be condemned to a place of fire for eternity, if we are there will be many religious pious preachers joining us. 
We are trying to find that comfortable spot, both of us realize we had a chance that came naturally, a way life is supposed to work, then we slammed the door of opportunity. I was taught opportunity will knock again and to be aware of that opportunity when it comes. 

[let's do it again 389]

1 hour ago, ExploringOptions said:

Unsure or afraid. How can we find a true connection by looking at profiles when it seems so unnatural and then I remember the duds I met on dating sites when I was single. Most guys overstate or brag, I know I picked a picture to post that showed me much more glamorous, my mother’s words at the time. I was uncomfortable the times I had dates from the app, you try to meet with an open mind then instinct takes over. 
I don’t think either of us are ready for a club, the picture in my mind is most likely not reality or is it? 
We read the post about meeting a couple on vacation that at first read was perfect, with deeper reading I notice the imperfections that occurred. I don’t know how I will react the first time and what would I do if the other woman took more control. 
I wonder who wrote monogamy is the normal way to live or is it just hypocrites lying to the world. We won’t be condemned to a place of fire for eternity, if we are there will be many religious pious preachers joining us. 
We are trying to find that comfortable spot, both of us realize we had a chance that came naturally, a way life is supposed to work, then we slammed the door of opportunity. I was taught opportunity will knock again and to be aware of that opportunity when it comes. 

Amen brother, I will attend church and the preacher will get up there and preach how premarital sex of any kind is a sin and I look around the congregation and wonder how many people go by this.

[ExploringOptions 180]

IRL does anyone else look at others at wonder if they are swingers? We are now playing a game where I see a man and ask my husband what does he think, he looks at the woman and gives a thumbs up or down. My husband never has a problem talking to strangers, I’m usually quiet and tell him he’s never going to meet swingers with random conversation. 
Reading comments on here we understand that talking before doing anything is very important and all the talk we are having is fun fantasy talk. He asked me if we picked someone up what would be the first thing I would do with him, I ask him what he would do with her. The real question he asked me was how would I feel watching him do what he said to another woman. Made me think 🤔 

[AdamGunn2 224]

On 5/26/2023 at 11:55 AM, ExploringOptions said:

 How can we find a true connection by looking at profiles when it seems so unnatural and then I remember the duds I met on dating sites when I was single.

Great question. The first thing is, what site are you looking at. If the site is free to use, yes, the vast majority of profiles, particularly those of single males, will have 'misinformation; and should be treated by you with extreme skepticism. On the other hand, if the person(s) on the site has paid to place their information up, you can be a bit more confident that there is some validity to it. Not saying there isn't some 'enhancement' going on, it's just more likely they're serious about themselves, and you.

 

As far as you talking among yourselves and enjoying the fantasies, you're right where you should be. Have fun, think about all the trouble you're going to get into. The most important length of a sex organ is six inches - the distance between your ears.

[couplers 4,217]

On 5/26/2023 at 9:55 AM, ExploringOptions said:

who wrote monogamy is the normal way to live or is it just hypocrites lying to the world.

These are people trying to control other people by manipulating their most basic instinct. 

 

On 5/26/2023 at 11:30 AM, let's do it again said:

I will attend church and the preacher will get up there and preach how premarital sex of any kind is a sin and I look around the congregation and wonder how many people go by this.

He will preach about controlling one's lust, I look around and see 300 pound people who can't control what they stuff in their mouth.

[ExploringOptions 180]

3 hours ago, AdamGunn2 said:

Great question. The first thing is, what site are you looking at. If the site is free to use, yes, the vast majority of profiles, particularly those of single males, will have 'misinformation; and should be treated by you with extreme skepticism. On the other hand, if the person(s) on the site has paid to place their information up, you can be a bit more confident that there is some validity to it. Not saying there isn't some 'enhancement' going on, it's just more likely they're serious about themselves, and you.

 

As far as you talking among yourselves and enjoying the fantasies, you're right where you should be. Have fun, think about all the trouble you're going to get into. The most important length of a sex organ is six inches - the distance between your ears.

You’re correct about paid vs unpaid and single men vs couples, we are only exploring profiles from an unpaid non-account. We haven’t posted pictures and don’t expect anyone real to reach out to us. We still have quite a few fears including the crazy idea of somebody we know seeing our profile because if they recognize us it means they are looking too. Strangely that would be the easiest ones for us to make a connection with. A bigger fear is going through with something before we are convinced we can handle the jealousy we might find we both harbor. 
I am enjoying that every female my husband is attracted to has a similar look as me. He still loves me and my look ❤️. My husband still works out almost daily, not a muscle head, he is fit and health conscious, so my standard go along with what I chose to marry. 
We just wonder if we missed an opportunity on vacation with unknowns we wouldn’t see again. It would be an experience just the two of us would know and move on if it wasn’t a successful meeting or could possible erase our fears. We both know the first time is the hardest. 
 

[bbarnsworth 2,546]

On 5/26/2023 at 11:55 AM, ExploringOptions said:

Unsure or afraid. How can we find a true connection by looking at profiles when it seems so unnatural and then I remember the duds I met on dating sites when I was single. Most guys overstate or brag, I know I picked a picture to post that showed me much more glamorous, my mother’s words at the time. I was uncomfortable the times I had dates from the app, you try to meet with an open mind then instinct takes over.

 

Indeed there can be lots of duds. As you've noted, with 'vanilla' dating you get the same problem. We use a lot of filtering mechanisms to help weed out the duds. One thing we do is have a passage in our profiles that they need to say something like their favorite color in their contact email with us. That way we know they actually read our entire profile, rather than skimming trying to hookups. If they don't do it, we delete and block. AdamGunn is right; don't bother with those who have not paid. Ok, any idiot can have a few bucks to sign up, but it adds at least some certainty that they aren't drive-bys looking for a hookup who have no clue what the lifestyle is about. In person, if it's a single male we look hard for signs they are cheaters; missing ring on their finger (often easy to tell) for example. We also ask why are they single and in the lifestyle. Some guys have legitimate reasons. Others... it can get obvious rather quick that they are cheating. Also, anyone who is pushy is turned away. We started swinging in 2008. We've only had one true dud that we played with, and that was a couple. There were some who were not so good, but no other duds. There were a fair number...maybe half?...who were duds that we or my wife never played with.

 

Along the way, we adapted based on our experiences and others relating their experiences here. We felt that if you find a couple or single who is a good match, and fun/good in bed, then keep them around for a while. Ok, you loose some sense of excitement over time as it's less "new". But, you gain not playing with our trying to sort out as many duds. This is how my wife had two long term boyfriends (not overlapping) lasting for years, along with a couple for over a year (and counting). You also gain intimate knowledge of what makes them feel good and vice versa, which is something that's hard to achieve on one meeting. It's not that you want a partner to add on to the partner you already have. It's picking up a play partner who is fun to play with from time to time, without the aspects of a full relationship wrapped around it.

 

If you decided to try that route, you and your husband will need to figure out how your own emotions and that of your play partner(s) would work into that. The more you play, the more chances of more involved emotions developing. Some couples avoid that like the plague, some don't. We don't, and it's worked well for us. That might not work well for you, or it might.

 

  

On 5/26/2023 at 11:55 AM, ExploringOptions said:

I don’t think either of us are ready for a club, the picture in my mind is most likely not reality or is it? 
 

That all depends on what the picture in your mind is showing you :)  Swing clubs are not all alike. There's commonalities, but there are also differences.

 

In terms of the place, there's usually some common area where people socialize, and another area with separate rooms where people can play. Rooms have doors of course. Some clubs have a rope like you would see at a movie theatre that can be attached across the opening of the room, which means "It's ok to watch, just don't come in". I saw one club that had a window for each room. If you left your curtains open, people in the hallway could watch you. Clubs often have a general area where people can play in full view of others as well, if they so choose.

 

In terms of people, you already know what swingers are like. You might be asking, "How do I know THAT?" It's easy. You're already doing it in you and your husband checking out other people and sharing they're a yes or a no. The average person in a store you run into is what you see among swingers. Swingers are not all Adonis or Aphrodite. They don't spend 7 hours a day 7 days a week in the gym. We're all just typical average people. Some better looking, some not so. Some more conversational, some less so. Some great lovers, some less so. The spectrum of society you see in your day to day world is the spectrum of society you see among swingers. That's who shows up at swinger clubs. If you're in a room with 50 other people, chances are rather high that at least one of them is a swinger. Can you pick out which one? Nope, because we all look like your average person :)

 

Tangential; some people where swinger jewelry to let people know they're swingers. Some people like to do this on holiday, which lets others who are swingers know. There's lots of different options. Some are subtle, some less so. The most dramatic one my wife has is a necklace with a pendant in the middle, and two chains leading either side to nipple rings, which of course are under her blouse or dress. This tends to have a moth-to-flame effect :) You can look up swinger jewelry if this is of interest to you.

 

  

On 5/26/2023 at 11:55 AM, ExploringOptions said:

We read the post about meeting a couple on vacation that at first read was perfect, with deeper reading I notice the imperfections that occurred. I don’t know how I will react the first time and what would I do if the other woman took more control.

 

It's a good thought experiment to consider. Everyone has their likes and dislikes. How someone else is might not be to your taste. It's also possible your husband will respond very positively to that, and that might not be what you want. But, another way to think of it; if he's having fun, is that a bad thing? He's not replacing you. My wife frequently will make sounds with a lover that I don't hear her make with me. She's not a "screamer" but she definitely makes delicious sounds when she's having sex. The first time I realized her sounds were different, it registered with me, and not entirely positively. But, that subsided quickly as I realized she was having a great time, and that's why we were there after all, right? She makes sounds with me she doesn't make with other lovers. It's not conscious on her part, it's just how she reacts.

 

Don't expect perfect. It won't happen. You and your husband aren't perfect either; you're just perfect enough for each other that you married. There's an often quoted idea here; don't go into a swinging evening with any other expectation than having a pleasant evening out. There's no way that another man/woman or couple could ever meet all your expectations and hopes. Plus, having many expectations and hopes will lead to disappointment when they aren't met. If you go to dinner with a friends of yours (just friends, not swinging) you don't have any expectations of anything other than a pleasant meal and conversation. Think of swinging in the same way. You and your husband will have rules on what the limits are for the evening. Stay within those rules. Anything within those rules that is fun is gravy. Also, the diversity of the sexual experience you have with someone else is not something you can specifically expect; just generally. So, just imagine having fun, without expectations other than you and your husband staying within your agreed rules.

 

 

  

On 5/26/2023 at 11:55 AM, ExploringOptions said:

I wonder who wrote monogamy is the normal way to live or is it just hypocrites lying to the world. We won’t be condemned to a place of fire for eternity, if we are there will be many religious pious preachers joining us.

 

There isn't a biological science book out there that will tell you that as a species, humans are monogamous. We're not. We've developed societies where the vast majority support and encourage monogamy, but there are many societies that have developed and still exist where monogamy is not the norm. Cheating us common; as many as 20% of marriages have one or the other spouse cheating. Among college age singles in a committed relationship, those rates skyrocket to 2/3rds. If monogamy were the norm among humans, those figures would likely be a lot lower. Our society has many pressures to be monogamous. We're effectively trained to be monogamous from early in our childhood. We have many structures in place to support and encourage monogamy. Thus, there's an expectation of monogamy. But, it's not how humans are really wired.

 

  

On 5/26/2023 at 11:55 AM, ExploringOptions said:

We are trying to find that comfortable spot, both of us realize we had a chance that came naturally, a way life is supposed to work, then we slammed the door of opportunity. I was taught opportunity will knock again and to be aware of that opportunity when it comes. 

 

You did the right thing by not playing with that couple. You weren't ready. You didn't by any chance get contact information for that couple, did you?

[BillyandDebbie 295]

Talking before doing was a crazy exciting time for us as we focused on the friends we were invited to start with. Excitement and fear are the two dominant feelings we experienced and the reason we joined here to ask questions. There are plenty of opinions from experienced educated posters that can guide and answer questions even if none can know your deep feelings and insecurities. Keep talking and keep asking, you will know when it’s right, then still have the fear. 

[couplers 4,217]

15 minutes ago, BillyandDebbie said:

Excitement and fear are the two dominant feelings we experienced

These feelings are not unwarranted, they are based in the reality of our nonmonogamous nature and the dangers of acting on it.  In the end, however, we proceed.

[BillyandDebbie 295]

Fear of the unknown and excitement of new. We consider ourselves lucky as our friends guided us, we trusted them as experienced and knew we weren’t being scammed. Their agenda was no let us enjoy and not worry about the fears we spoke about. My big fear was what I think other men have that first time, can I and how long I can. I was able to with no problem, just not as long as I wanted which was caused by the excitement. Debbie had different fears that our more experienced friend overcame. 
 

[ExploringOptions 180]

On 5/28/2023 at 12:00 PM, bbarnsworth said:

You did the right thing by not playing with that couple. You weren't ready. You didn't by any chance get contact information for that couple, did you?

Unfortunately we didn’t ask for contact info, we do know their name and approximately where they live. You are correct we weren’t ready to do anything sexually with them at the time, it gave us the time to discuss what what it may be like in a rational way. Reading posts like this one has given us ideas while some posts have given us fears of what some expect or do with other swingers. 
I find myself looking at jewelry on people now and will never look at pineapple prints the same way. 

[bbarnsworth 2,546]

11 hours ago, ExploringOptions said:

I find myself looking at jewelry on people now and will never look at pineapple prints the same way. 

🤣😅😂

 

Certainly changes your perspective, doesn't it?

 

I wouldn't "fear" so much as recognize that getting into swinging is like regular dating. When you go out on a first date, there's always concerns one should have about how safe the person is, whether they'll be rational, or maybe they've got issues of some kind. Ok it's uncommon for that to be the case, but we worry all the same. It's no different with swinging in that regard, except that you have a wingman to keep you safe. As for expectations; I've only once encountered a swinging situation where I felt put upon to do something I wasn't comfortable with. That was an MFM situation where the guy in question wanted to go bareback with my wife. We said no, things continued ahead with a condom. My wife went bareback with her two boyfriends after playing with them several times, but that was our choice to ask, and they didn't do the asking. I think you'll find the same; nobody's going to layer expectations on you to do anything you're not ready for. If they do, it's perhaps time to exit the scenario.

 

My wife and I had a number of rules when we got into swinging; no this, no that, yes this but only if that, etc. etc. etc. All of it has melted away with the exception of two rules; condoms always with non-regular partners, and the rule we call the "golden parachute". If for any reason either of us thinks it's time to leave, we voice it to the other, get dressed, and leave without discussion or debate. We'll discuss it after we leave. It's an empowerment rule; both of us are in control of us...the team...at all times. We're in this to have fun together, and if one of us isn't for some reason, then we leave. We've never had to invoke the parachute, but it's a comfort knowing it's there all the same.

 

I think most swingers understand that being pushy or trying to make things happen is not the way to do things. That's not to say swingers are all great people. There are some who are not so good, just as with regular dating. But, I think most understand and respect borders.

[ConfusedHubby 108]

On 5/28/2023 at 11:50 AM, ExploringOptions said:

We still have quite a few fears including the crazy idea of somebody we know seeing our profile because if they recognize us it means they are looking too. Strangely that would be the easiest ones for us to make a connection with. 
 

This is a real concern, but one we chose not to worry about and openly share our faces in our lifestyle profiles (what you see is what you get).  Has it resulted in us being spotted?  Yes--a friends ex-wife found us, the male half of a couple I went to elementary school with found us and one other friend who I'd grown apart from found us and reached out. 

 

Comically, in the case of the last one we were on a date with another couple when I received a text from the old friend with a screen capture of our profile and a message "hey, I know these people"  It made for some laughs with our new friends and rekindled common grounds with my old one.