Telling your therapist

[TricianMike 732]

Michael and I continue to see a therapist both together and separately. Over the years we have both become more open to telling her what experiences and feelings we have with others and the reasons we enjoy others. I will never know what he tells her in his private sessions though I am very open in our joint meetings.

We have told her that we post some of our experiences on a swingers site, it’s more me posting, Michael doesn’t post anymore. She asked if I embellish my posts because many post on sites about fantasies more than realities. I think I post real feelings as best as I can but I know what she means that posting has an excitement factor like reliving an event. Others will post something they wished they did almost as if they did it. 
Michael and I were very hesitant to open up to our therapist our alternative lifestyle thoughts when we first met her. I opened up first in my private meetings and then only in a broad way with no specific acts. I didn’t think she would understand what we were doing or how she would judge me. Therapy was to take away my odd feelings which ended up adding to my thinking my actions were odd. Once getting over my fears of opening up my deep thoughts it has freed up anxiety of enjoying.

I think I have a healthier outlook now that I have freed myself of worrying what others think and what a therapist thinks. Our joint sessions are now very freeing allowing me to express my feelings to Michael and understanding his feelings.

How open are others? Do others discuss true feelings to a partner? Are you honest to a therapist? 

[njbm 2,728]

My wife and I are very open and honest with each other. I did tell a doctor about our swinging experience. She was very positive. A dermatologist, not so much. Got another dermatologist, but did not go into swinging. 

[lcmim 1,008]

As far as professional revelation....

MD of course it is a relevant fact.

 If I had a therapist of course I would. What is the point of seeing a therapist and intentionally hiding something with powerful emotional and spiritual ramifications?

Dermatologist , no.

Lawyer probably not unless it became pertinent.

 Non professional?  One person outside of the LS. Who has instructions to "clean" our bedroom if we both suddenly pass. Wife's BFF whose tenure is older than mine.

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,014]

I probably would have started with the first visit by asking if the therapist would have a problem that you are swingers. As Icmim stated, whats the point of seeing a therapist if you are withholding information that might help or shed light on something that may help. Kind of like going to a MD but not telling them 'it hurts when I do this...'. Doctors (and therapists) cannot help to make something better unless they know all the symptoms of what is causing the pain.

[PeterJ 826]

Some on this board are aware that I trained at the doctoral level as a clinical psychologist prior to pursuing a very different career. I agree with the comments made in this thread thread that singles and/or couples who are in therapy (other than, in my opinion, for strictly behavioral matters like quitting smoking) should be candid with their therapists about all aspects of their lives, even if they don’t necessarily seem relevant to the presenting issue when beginning therapy. 
 

That said, not every person who hangs out a shingle as a therapist is as open-minded as you might wish. Even if they don’t see their own blind spots they may, outside their awareness, have blind spots. And while they should be getting supervision on all their cases to help them see those blind spots, that isn’t always the case. There are more therapists out there — particularly but not only in the case of pastoral counseling — who might say (and think)  they are accepting of a client’s unconventional sexual/affectional life, but see it as a problematic aspect in the relationship. All else being equal (and of course that’s not always the case) I think it’s wise to choose a therapist who specifically states in their public-facing communications that they work with clients whose sexuality is outside the mainstream. Failing that, as others here have suggested, bring the subject up in your initial meeting with the therapist. And ask about their values around consensual non-monogamy. 
 

You can find lifestyle-friendly therapist through Google searches. It took me about 30 seconds to find an example: https://www.bethfirestein.com/alternative-lifestyles/

[TnA83 273]

I have a very hip therapist.  I like to think I can tell her anything.  We sometimes visit with her together.  I wish I could tell her that we are swingers, but so far I just tell her that I have those desires, as well as bisexual fantasies.

[ROCKlandCpl 436]

Telling a doctor is not that easy for me. My original OB/GYN delivered my children years ago who has since retired just like many of our other doctors. I never found going to him a pleasant thing not for any real reason. His replacement was a female who has also retired. A few years ago a younger female doctor who is very sweet and thorough is also an Orthodox Jewish mother. I have no doubts of her capabilities or knowledge I just have an unreasonable shyness discussing my sex life with her. 

[TnA83 273]

24 minutes ago, ROCKlandCpl said:

Telling a doctor is not that easy for me. My original OB/GYN delivered my children years ago who has since retired just like many of our other doctors. I never found going to him a pleasant thing not for any real reason. His replacement was a female who has also retired. A few years ago a younger female doctor who is very sweet and thorough is also an Orthodox Jewish mother. I have no doubts of her capabilities or knowledge I just have an unreasonable shyness discussing my sex life with her. 

I don't think I would tell a medical doctor about my group sex fantasies.  They are way too political these days.  I would have to know him or her more closely than that.  Now if it were an issue that directly involves swinging, such as a STD or so forth, I would have no choice.

[NWAtlSwing 487]

He has told his therapist for sure.

[ROCKlandCpl 436]

On 1/27/2023 at 3:45 PM, TnA83 said:

don't think I would tell a medical doctor about my group sex fantasies.

Don’t think you need to discuss fantasies with a medical doctor, fantasies should be discussed with therapists. The bigger question do you discuss actual sexual activities with your doctor?

[TricianMike 732]

Our therapist not only tries to find what is behind our wants and actions, she is concerned with safety. I knew when I opened up that she would lead back to problems in my past that has lead me to doing things I do now. She asked why I am more obsessed with one act now, searching out more partners to do it with. 

[TnA83 273]

3 hours ago, TricianMike said:

Our therapist not only tries to find what is behind our wants and actions, she is concerned with safety. I knew when I opened up that she would lead back to problems in my past that has lead me to doing things I do now. She asked why I am more obsessed with one act now, searching out more partners to do it with. 

What one act are you obsessed with these days?

[MidwestHoneys 334]

3 minutes ago, TnA83 said:

What one act are you obsessed with these days?

I am thinking blowjobs if you read her posts. Possibly she likes to be in control if I am playing therapist.  

[findinganswers 356]

On 1/31/2023 at 3:19 PM, MidwestHoneys said:

I am thinking blowjobs if you read her posts. Possibly she likes to be in control if I am playing therapist.  

I am not a therapist nor can I answer for a woman I don’t know, I can only ask my wife why she enjoys oral sex. I have enjoyed watching her giving oral many times without any reciprocity from the guy. A therapist would have plenty to say why I enjoy watching I’m sure.

 

At a recent get together with friends and a new couple we were all pretty busy and then stopped for a breather. I did notice my wife having a conversation with the couple we just met when she suddenly dropped down and took him in her mouth. After some time he attempted to give her some attention yet she stopped him and continued to do what she started.

Not the first time I’ve watched her do this to others, on the way home I asked her why she stopped him and she said she was enjoying what she was doing. She had been satisfied earlier by another friend and didn’t need anything further.

We aren’t seeing a therapist so have no clue to what a therapist would make of that. 

[couplers 4,140]

On 1/27/2023 at 1:18 PM, ROCKlandCpl said:

Telling a doctor is not that easy for me.

Just tell your doctor that you have a "group practice."  It's something he'll understand. 

[TricianMike 732]

On 1/31/2023 at 3:15 PM, TnA83 said:

What one act are you obsessed with these days?

 

On 1/31/2023 at 3:19 PM, MidwestHoneys said:

I am thinking blowjobs if you read her posts. Possibly she likes to be in control if I am playing therapist.  

Our therapist said my obsession has evolved into a dangerous obsession. She encourages me to explain my deep feelings of what I am thinking when we invite men to a room, what I am thinking when we are in the room and what I am thinking doing the act. She had suggested it’s control or being controlled in my past. Michael and I have had many swinging experiences that have changed over the last few years from one to one swaps to parties to now me enjoying pleasing men orally. When we are in joint therapy Michael brings up my reactions differently from what I remember. We also discuss what makes him want to watch me please others which makes me wonder what he says in his private sessions.  I always make sure he is not being hurt or emasculated by my wants. 

[Numex 2,175]

9 hours ago, TricianMike said:

Our therapist said my obsession has evolved into a dangerous obsession.

She is being judgmental  saying that.  So long as it's what you and your husband want and it doesn't interfere with the rest of your life, what is the problem?

 

On 1/26/2023 at 8:01 AM, TricianMike said:

I think I have a healthier outlook now that I have freed myself of worrying what others think and what a therapist thinks. Our joint sessions are now very freeing allowing me to express my feelings to Michael and understanding his feelings. 

That is a great attitude.

 

9 hours ago, TricianMike said:

We also discuss what makes him want to watch me please others

Lots of guys in the lifestyle are like that.  They are showing off what they have, which is a very desirable partner.

 

9 hours ago, TricianMike said:

I always make sure he is not being hurt or emasculated by my wants. 

Some guys like what others may think of as hurtful or emasculating.  Ask Michael about what he thinks the line is between what he wants and what he would find objectionable, you may be surprised.  While no one in my group is disrespectful to another, there are men and women who like to be "challenged" on their sexual adequacy, it gets them going.  Myself, I've made it clear to Daniela that I don't care what she says to another man (or woman) about how good they are or that she loves them as she orgasms.  So, you never know what's going through a guy's mind.

Edited February 6, 2023 by Numex

[TricianMike 732]

18 hours ago, Numex said:

She is being judgmental  saying that.  So long as it's what you and your husband want and it doesn't interfere with the rest of your life, what is the problem?

I may be paraphrasing. What concerns her is who we are meeting and the way we find them. 

 

18 hours ago, Numex said:

Lots of guys in the lifestyle are like that.  They are showing off what they have, which is a very desirable partner.

Mike doesn’t feel he is Hotwifing, a new phrase for us. He says he enjoys that men find me attractive though that is the primary reason he enjoys watching as his comments lean to the enjoyment I get when I am with these strangers. 

 

18 hours ago, Numex said:

Ask Michael about what he thinks the line is between what he wants and what he would find objectionable, you may be surprised. 

He doesn’t want to see me hurt physically. He has stopped guys who became sadistic. He knows the signals and my limits. 

[TricianMike 732]

On 1/31/2023 at 3:15 PM, TnA83 said:

What one act are you obsessed with these days?

 

On 1/31/2023 at 3:19 PM, MidwestHoneys said:

I am thinking blowjobs if you read her posts. Possibly she likes to be in control if I am playing therapist.  

My Obsession is having oral sex with random men not controlling them. Most men think they are controlling me because I asked them to allow me to act out my wants. They don’t know my why or my thinking when I am acting out.

Our therapist and Michael have heard me describe my feelings during our meetings with all types of men. Others have described similar feelings as being out of body or possibly out of mind feelings. I wish I were able to describe what I’m thinking to those reading this without afraid of some denigrating me and my wonderful husband. 

[MidwestHoneys 334]

16 hours ago, TricianMike said:

I wish I were able to describe what I’m thinking to those reading this without afraid of some denigrating me and my wonderful husband. 

Go ahead and spill your thoughts all you want. You shouldn’t care what the fuck others think if it makes you free. We are here to share so go share. Us guys want to know what women want and think. I love eating pussy like you love sucking. 

[couplers 4,140]

16 hours ago, TricianMike said:

I wish I were able to describe what I’m thinking to those reading this without afraid of some denigrating me and my wonderful husband. 

 

10 minutes ago, MidwestHoneys said:

You shouldn’t care what the fuck others think if it makes you free.

Physical and emotional/sexual characteristics of mine that I used to be ashamed of are attributes others find attractive and I am now proud of.  Joining this forum, describing my desires, practices, and body (as well as sharing my opinions) was freeing and gave me confidence.

[Jane1902 476]

Your therapist expressed safety concerns on the who and how you are finding these random men. She is aware Mike is there with you yet expresses concern. I wonder if it’s not so much as him protecting you but beyond that? I wonder if the risk adds to the obsession/fantasy element? When you are fantasizing about this is there a particular reaction from the stranger that you lean in to? Would role playing it be fun for you? 

[cplnluv1 804]

We don’t  go looking for random non-swingers to meet even if we see a great looking couple at a bar or restaurant, I have wondered what a specific couple that we find attractive would be like if we approached. Being attracted to new partners is exciting and the guessing of what is going to happen or what is under those pretty clothes can be considered an obsession. The first time we get naked with others is something that is very exciting for me as it is for others who were honest when we met.

I am guessing that the dangerous part that was mentioned is picking up several younger men who can easily overcome the husband. 

[PeterJ 826]

On 2/5/2023 at 9:53 AM, TricianMike said:

Our therapist said my obsession has evolved into a dangerous obsession. 

A therapeutic relationship is a two-way street (or should if you are not in old-style psychoanalysis.)  If you have not already done so, you might wish to ask your therapist to expand on how they see your obsession as dangerous. Is there concern that you are literally putting yourself in physical danger, al a "Looking For Mr. Goodbar"? Or that you may be putting your relationship with your husband at risk? Perhaps that you will become so entirely focused on this one sexual modality that you will be unable to be satisfied in other ones? 
 

if you have already followed up with your therapist, what did they say? 
 

Based on how you have described some of your interactions with your therapist, I assume they are not horrified that you and your husband have an ENM relationship. Still, as a group psychotherapists tend to overall reflect societal norms and may be less open to non-traditional sexual matters than they think they are. Have you specifically discussed this with your therapist?

[PJ&Lin 181]

Obsession

an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind. 
 

unable to stop thinking about something; too interested in or worried about something

Obsession is kind of like a passion for something that crosses the line into crazy territory. Sometimes people get so preoccupied with their obsessions that it makes them anxious or emotionally unstable

 

These are definitions of what an Obsession is and how all obsession can be dangerous. If the therapist is thinking the obsession is bordering on danger they need to take heed to her concerns. 

 

[TricianMike 732]

Our therapist is a reporter or detective gathering facts to get to a conclusion. Life is a mystery and similar to most mysteries there are the “W” questions.

The Why is the answer that is hardest to get to.

The Who has changed as our lives changed. Our sexual lives evolve dependent on the people in our lives. My first was a friends brother, followed by boyfriends leading to Michael. Our first extramarital sex was with someone we met at a club.

The Where also changes starting in my friends house, to my parents house, college, hotels, clubs, and parties. Thinking now there are other places too.

The When was when the opportunity showed. We made the when’s happen or when others invited us.

What. The what’s have changed too. One on one, parties, third persons.

Why is the big question. Why my first sexual encounter was relived. I wanted to fit in with others who were losing their virginity. She pressed what I was thinking at the time. Scared of course and excited to see my first nude guy. I think part of my sexual history was the excitement of being and seeing people nude, my attention always was a man’s penis. First time at a club I watched others not participate with them. She implied that my acts I now do goes back to my early experiences. 
 

[MidwestHoneys 334]

You enjoy cock. What’s wrong with a woman who wants cock, I love pussy and I don’t need a shrink to tell me that. 

[ToeDippers 79]

I envy that you are able to discuss things with a professional. 

[MidwestHoneys 334]

On 2/25/2023 at 12:22 PM, ToeDippers said:

I envy that you are able to discuss things with a professional. 

It’s not hard to discuss if you are honest with yourself. In couple therapy I find why Michael enjoys watching me and he notices things in my behaviors that I don’t think about when I meet the men. 

[TricianMike 732]

7 hours ago, MidwestHoneys said:

It’s not hard to discuss if you are honest with yourself.

I agree. If you want the best of the therapy you must be honest with yourself, your spouse and the therapist. Both spouses are going to have a different perspective of what you are experiencing. I will never know what he feels when he is in a woman and orgasming and he will never know what I feel watching, nor the other way. It is very difficult to explain feelings and sensations or the excitement I get with a new man or how I don’t even think of the man I’m with