FIRST TIME THREESOME ADVICE! :)

[lifeisnow808080 1]

Hi All, would love some opinions here! We are a couple, 36f and 42m, my wife always had a fantasy of having a threesome with another woman, ...watching me fuck another woman through a glory hole for instance or another women blowing me, and the ultimate sex. Shes also somewhat bi curious for a bit of fun but shes not outright BI. I once introduced her to a female stripper in a club and she enjoyed it, i did no touching. So each time we have sex shes talking about something on these lines and asking me to tell her what I would do to the other women. Sometimes she teases me about another man too..

 

Myself on the other hand always had fantasy of MFM!. After a night out, I have watched her cum online with another other man through a chat site ..was mega hot and  I had to contain myself from exploding too early and left the room a couple of times to give them space! He was a great talker, instructing her how to insert her dildo, asking her to imagine its him and they came together. She later said its best not to do it again as she felt it was not right..I suspect she enjoyed it a bit too much...she also felt a bit "bad" for the guy when I hung up the chat after they came together.... for a first time it was already a lot for me to handle so i put a stop after they came. With other men she acts slow at first, but then all of a sudden seems to really start to go for it.

 

Our sex life is good and we are still relatively young, life is now., I am confident we would remain together since any threesome would be with a one off stranger so would limit the risks. I am completely straight, but adventurous, iv'e been pegged by a hot experienced dom before.. was super to experience the other side. My wife has also tried it on me in the past, less successfully  Definitely no MMF for me.

 

So I am trying to figure out the next move!

 

1. How to start? MFM, FFM (new person in middle?), other?

2. Which rules to set for a first time?

3. Plan it in advance?

4. Other advice.

I much appreciate any help the experienced people on here can provide!

 

Thank you

 

 

 

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

Welcome Lifeisnow! You're definitely in the right place. This is a wonderfully supportive forum.

 

Let's get the FMF covered first. I don't mean to dissuade you, but finding another woman who is interested in bi (or, really, not) is very difficult. Around here, we call such women "unicorns"; fabled to exist, but no one has ever actually seen one. Ok, that's not entirely true. Some couples do find single women that want to play with another couple. But, it is rare. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try for it, but don't get frustrated if it doesn't happen.

 

Single men on the other hand are very, very easy to find. The trick is to find nice single men. That's not as rare as the unicorn, but you have to do some searching.

 

Ok so your wife doesn't want to do it again. Forgive me, but I want to be clear; she doesn't want to do something with another man involved? Going with the flimsiest of knowledge about your relationship and her in particular (going of course off of only what you've posted), it sounds to me like your wife very much enjoys the idea of having another man, and is maybe so interested that it scares her a bit. It can be a bit terrifying; what if she likes it "too much"? What does "too much" mean? Does it supplant the sex you two have? Does it erode it? Does it make it seem less hot, less satisfying? These are unknowns that are hard to understand. They are emotional reactions, and not logical ones. My wife has a sexual tiger inside herself that was awakened by swinging. Your wife may be a bit fearful of just what, exactly, is inside her that she has yet to explore.

 

Your wife could also have objections based on societal/moral/religious standards, and feel like she's breaking something while doing this.

 

The pathway through this is communication. Having deeply open communication can be hard. Many couples never get there. Being open means being able to talk about your innermost thoughts and feelings. Being receptive to each other in listening is critical; no judgment, no sarcasm, no teasing; just frank, open honesty. Listening can be a difficult skill to learn. Getting to this level of communication will bring the two of you ever more intimate to each other. Ask about fantasies, whether either of you feels they are wrong to fulfill or not. Ask about unusual ideas in each other's heads. Ask what you think about when masturbating. There's lots of ways to help encourage such discussion. Doing it in the bedroom is fine, but also doing it outside the bedroom is good too. My wife and I spent many months talking about such things and also about swinging before we took our first dip in the pool. It made a big difference.

 

Another idea; this sub-forum on first swinging experiences has a vast history of things couples did when they were first starting out. There's also a sub-forum called "Swinging Situational HELP!" It can be interesting to read some of the first posts in the threads of these forum and then discuss between you and your wife. What was interesting about it? What about it would be challenging? How would you handle it? Did you enjoy the idea of it and could you imagine yourself doing it? These threads can be excellent conversation starters.

 

Once you have a better understanding of what each of you want, dream, and desire, you will feel more confident and secure in moving ahead.

 

You noted about having a one off with a stranger, and that would limit risks. This is very true. There are couples who have a rule of playing with someone only once, and never again. That works for them, and might work well for you. If that becomes a rule, it might change for you. My wife and I realized over time that finding good play partners was in many ways no different than 'vanilla' dating. You're going to find some duds, some people whom you don't have a lot of fun with, etc. We felt that since it was so hit and miss, that it would be better to maintain relationships with the ones that were fun. But, I wouldn't advise trying that until you're more comfortable.

 

How to start is really up to you, and what you want to do. There's plenty of ways to start. Ok, finding the FFM might be hard. But, you can help her explore her interest in other men. One idea; in your day to day lives as you're out doing errands or whatever, have her pick out men she finds attractive, and you do likewise. It can be a bit of a fun exercise and helps internally open the door that it's ok to imagine being with someone else. You could go to swinger meet-and-greets where there's no play, just meeting up with other swingers. That can help make swinging seem less intimidating, as you begin understanding that swingers are really just like everyone else. There's no swinger 'type'. There's also hotel takeovers that can be fun, even if you don't play. You could also go to a swinger club and be spectators, or maybe play with each other only (whether other people can see you or not). Another idea; go to a dance club of some kind and dance with other people. Get physically close with them, and see how each of you feel. Doing an online chat is very different than in person. There are many ways to get closer to swinging without actually swinging, and help test the waters and begin to wrap your brains around the idea of being non-monogamous.

 

What rules you set are also very much up to you, and highly dependent on where your comfort levels are. What are you not comfortable with each other doing to something else? What feels like too far, or too much? I wouldn't try to come up with too many rules; try to focus on only those things that you think will upset either of you. Having too many rules can make having sex with others feel almost rigid. My wife and I had a number of rules when we began; no kissing, no solo play, no anal, always use condoms, etc. Over time all the rules but one fell away. The last one to fall away was always using condoms. Not using condoms now is allowed if it's a regular, long term play partner who has been tested for STDs. So, in a sense, I guess you can say that's still a rule but has conditions. The one big one that has never fallen away and never will is the one we call the "golden parachute". If for any reason either of us does not feel comfortable and wants to exit the situation, they voice it and we both get dressed and leave. No discussion, no checking to make sure, etc. Just leave. We will talk about it after we leave. We've never invoked that rule, but it's nice to know it's there.

 

Planning it in advance; seems odd to plan sex, doesn't it? I wouldn't plan to have sex per se. Plan and expect to have fun, and have no other expectations. It would be good to establish what the limits are for a particular evening; touching and kissing ok, but no further? Anything ok but actual sex? Sex with another person is ok? One thing to be cautious of; changing limits or rules while in the heat of the moment (or approaching it). There will always be another day. Going too far, too fast can be a recipe for disaster.

 

It sounds like both you and your wife enjoy the idea of the other having sex with another person. It can be intensely erotic. When we got into swinging, I had no idea how much I'd enjoy watching my wife have sex with another man. It's absolutely incredible. I love watching, hearing, and helping her have a great time. It sounds like the two of you might be very much the same. This is a good sign for the two of you getting into swinging.

 

A few other bits of advice.  However you proceed with this, move at the speed of the person going the slowest, whether it's you or your wife. That applies in general to all of it, but also to specific things. For example, my wife wasn't comfortable with the idea of me having sex with other women at first. We had lots of MFMs before she started feeling more comfortable with the idea. So in one aspect, we moved ahead quite a bit. In another, we moved more slowly. That's ok. Always make sure that you (as in both of you) are in charge of birth control. Those whom you play with may be in charge too, but don't leave birth control solely up to the people you're playing with. Focus on each other. It may seem paradoxical, but swinging isn't about other people, but more about the two of you helping each other achieve more self actualization.

 

Another crucial bit of advice; keep posting here and asking questions :) We're happy to answer, and will tell you if we think you're making a mistake. That's one of the things I really love about this forum.

 

Oof, looking back over this it appears I've written a book. Setting my proverbial pen down for the moment ... :)

 

[lifeisnow808080 1]

24 minutes ago, bbarnsworth said:

Welcome Lifeisnow! You're definitely in the right place. This is a wonderfully supportive forum.

 

Let's get the FMF covered first. I don't mean to dissuade you, but finding another woman who is interested in bi (or, really, not) is very difficult. Around here, we call such women "unicorns"; fabled to exist, but no one has ever actually seen one. Ok, that's not entirely true. Some couples do find single women that want to play with another couple. But, it is rare. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try for it, but don't get frustrated if it doesn't happen.

 

Single men on the other hand are very, very easy to find. The trick is to find nice single men. That's not as rare as the unicorn, but you have to do some searching.

 

Ok so your wife doesn't want to do it again. Forgive me, but I want to be clear; she doesn't want to do something with another man involved? Going with the flimsiest of knowledge about your relationship and her in particular (going of course off of only what you've posted), it sounds to me like your wife very much enjoys the idea of having another man, and is maybe so interested that it scares her a bit. It can be a bit terrifying; what if she likes it "too much"? What does "too much" mean? Does it supplant the sex you two have? Does it erode it? Does it make it seem less hot, less satisfying? These are unknowns that are hard to understand. They are emotional reactions, and not logical ones. My wife has a sexual tiger inside herself that was awakened by swinging. Your wife may be a bit fearful of just what, exactly, is inside her that she has yet to explore.

 

Your wife could also have objections based on societal/moral/religious standards, and feel like she's breaking something while doing this.

 

The pathway through this is communication. Having deeply open communication can be hard. Many couples never get there. Being open means being able to talk about your innermost thoughts and feelings. Being receptive to each other in listening is critical; no judgment, no sarcasm, no teasing; just frank, open honesty. Listening can be a difficult skill to learn. Getting to this level of communication will bring the two of you ever more intimate to each other. Ask about fantasies, whether either of you feels they are wrong to fulfill or not. Ask about unusual ideas in each other's heads. Ask what you think about when masturbating. There's lots of ways to help encourage such discussion. Doing it in the bedroom is fine, but also doing it outside the bedroom is good too. My wife and I spent many months talking about such things and also about swinging before we took our first dip in the pool. It made a big difference.

 

Another idea; this sub-forum on first swinging experiences has a vast history of things couples did when they were first starting out. There's also a sub-forum called "Swinging Situational HELP!" It can be interesting to read some of the first posts in the threads of these forum and then discuss between you and your wife. What was interesting about it? What about it would be challenging? How would you handle it? Did you enjoy the idea of it and could you imagine yourself doing it? These threads can be excellent conversation starters.

 

Once you have a better understanding of what each of you want, dream, and desire, you will feel more confident and secure in moving ahead.

 

You noted about having a one off with a stranger, and that would limit risks. This is very true. There are couples who have a rule of playing with someone only once, and never again. That works for them, and might work well for you. If that becomes a rule, it might change for you. My wife and I realized over time that finding good play partners was in many ways no different than 'vanilla' dating. You're going to find some duds, some people whom you don't have a lot of fun with, etc. We felt that since it was so hit and miss, that it would be better to maintain relationships with the ones that were fun. But, I wouldn't advise trying that until you're more comfortable.

 

How to start is really up to you, and what you want to do. There's plenty of ways to start. Ok, finding the FFM might be hard. But, you can help her explore her interest in other men. One idea; in your day to day lives as you're out doing errands or whatever, have her pick out men she finds attractive, and you do likewise. It can be a bit of a fun exercise and helps internally open the door that it's ok to imagine being with someone else. You could go to swinger meet-and-greets where there's no play, just meeting up with other swingers. That can help make swinging seem less intimidating, as you begin understanding that swingers are really just like everyone else. There's no swinger 'type'. There's also hotel takeovers that can be fun, even if you don't play. You could also go to a swinger club and be spectators, or maybe play with each other only (whether other people can see you or not). Another idea; go to a dance club of some kind and dance with other people. Get physically close with them, and see how each of you feel. Doing an online chat is very different than in person. There are many ways to get closer to swinging without actually swinging, and help test the waters and begin to wrap your brains around the idea of being non-monogamous.

 

What rules you set are also very much up to you, and highly dependent on where your comfort levels are. What are you not comfortable with each other doing to something else? What feels like too far, or too much? I wouldn't try to come up with too many rules; try to focus on only those things that you think will upset either of you. Having too many rules can make having sex with others feel almost rigid. My wife and I had a number of rules when we began; no kissing, no solo play, no anal, always use condoms, etc. Over time all the rules but one fell away. The last one to fall away was always using condoms. Not using condoms now is allowed if it's a regular, long term play partner who has been tested for STDs. So, in a sense, I guess you can say that's still a rule but has conditions. The one big one that has never fallen away and never will is the one we call the "golden parachute". If for any reason either of us does not feel comfortable and wants to exit the situation, they voice it and we both get dressed and leave. No discussion, no checking to make sure, etc. Just leave. We will talk about it after we leave. We've never invoked that rule, but it's nice to know it's there.

 

Planning it in advance; seems odd to plan sex, doesn't it? I wouldn't plan to have sex per se. Plan and expect to have fun, and have no other expectations. It would be good to establish what the limits are for a particular evening; touching and kissing ok, but no further? Anything ok but actual sex? Sex with another person is ok? One thing to be cautious of; changing limits or rules while in the heat of the moment (or approaching it). There will always be another day. Going too far, too fast can be a recipe for disaster.

 

It sounds like both you and your wife enjoy the idea of the other having sex with another person. It can be intensely erotic. When we got into swinging, I had no idea how much I'd enjoy watching my wife have sex with another man. It's absolutely incredible. I love watching, hearing, and helping her have a great time. It sounds like the two of you might be very much the same. This is a good sign for the two of you getting into swinging.

 

A few other bits of advice.  However you proceed with this, move at the speed of the person going the slowest, whether it's you or your wife. That applies in general to all of it, but also to specific things. For example, my wife wasn't comfortable with the idea of me having sex with other women at first. We had lots of MFMs before she started feeling more comfortable with the idea. So in one aspect, we moved ahead quite a bit. In another, we moved more slowly. That's ok. Always make sure that you (as in both of you) are in charge of birth control. Those whom you play with may be in charge too, but don't leave birth control solely up to the people you're playing with. Focus on each other. It may seem paradoxical, but swinging isn't about other people, but more about the two of you helping each other achieve more self actualization.

 

Another crucial bit of advice; keep posting here and asking questions We're happy to answer, and will tell you if we think you're making a mistake. That's one of the things I really love about this forum.

 

Oof, looking back over this it appears I've written a book. Setting my proverbial pen down for the moment ...

 

Hi bbarnsworth, what an amazing well structured and great reply, perfect, thank you! I consider myself lucky to have read your valuable opinion.

 

I've shyed away from tackling the threesome discussion for probably 5 years since we had kids and we couldnt be as adventurous as we used to, but yesterday we had sex and I asked her what she thinks about when she masturbates and that got us talking again..big time. So now we have revived the discussion, I need to continue dialogue as you very well said. Her initial fantasy seems to be having a threesome with a woman, she said maybe she would start with allowing the other woman to give me a BJ and allow me to finger her or go down on her but no sex. She said shes ok to try scissoring when i asked and to go down on the woman too. Eventually she would warm up to consenting sex and ultimately thats what she fantasises about but she might have some blindfold conditons or some other tactic to ease it in.

 

To me the above sounds good but really my ultimate fantasy is to watch her with another man. My wife is a person who tends to crave attention lol, she likes her fans and shes good looking so shes used to getting a lot of attention growing up. Somehow I imagine, having a night out just the two of us away from home, or being on a nudist beach, and at the right place and time, with the right guy and my wife sitting in between us, simply guiding my wifes hand on top of another mans crotch or dancing with her in between us, she would start by giving both of us attention maybe a double HJ but then fading me out occasionally, sucking him off, getting a lickout from him and him finally cumming on her breasts..that would be a nice start. Anal would be fine too but vaginal intercourse not on day one.

 

For her an MFM is not about an morals but i think more that she thinks she might enjoy it too much and develop feelings towards the other person or maybe change the way she looks at me? I need to find out more....

 

I am quite hung with good girth but when we used to play online I always used to introduce her to men with even bigger cocks, there was something about it that turned me on making it almost a requisite., shes also into big ones. I need her to continue to respect me though and I am not into being humiliated.

 

I think she needs to be comfortable that she could see an MFM as sex and enjoy it for what it is, nothing to much else. I need to talk to her more and understand but I think thats the main risk here.

 

I love watching her, makes my heart pump so fast, infact when we have sex she occasionally teases me about being in a corner wanking whilst she gets fucked! I see her as a godess and she deserves to enjoy...so long as she can remain loyal and we stick together at the end of the day. I am not into allowing her to date alone or any of that stuff.

 

 

 

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

Thanks for the high praise Like others around here, I'm just trying to help!

 

My wife and I got into swinging while our youngest was not yet 5. I know what it's like to try to work around little ones and do this

 

Your wife's fantasy is wonderful I hope you can find a single bi female that would play with both of you. But again, don't get frustrated if you can't find such a lady. If I may ask, where (very roughly) do you live? Nearer to a large or in a large city?

 

It's a constant fantasy of mine to see my wife having sex with another man. I've seen this many times now, and I can tell you it NEVER gets old Not gloating here, but saying I understand your fantasy and why it's so potent for you. What you describe potentially happening (minus anal sex) is usually referred to "soft" play, in that everything's ok but actual sex.

 

If I may be so bold, I think the risk in your wife having sex with other men is within you. There's some realities that might surprise you a bit. If you and your wife go down the path of having an MFM, it's quite possible your wife could have some thundering orgasms the like of which you haven't seen since before you were married. The newness of a play partner can be incredibly intoxicating, and generate powerful orgasms. It doesn't mean the other guy is more special to your wife than you are. It does mean your wife is thoroughly enjoying herself. This is a good thing not a bad one. In some sense, you are making love to your wife by allowing her to so enjoy another man. I have held my wife closely before while she is having sex with another man, and it's a very intimate thing.

 

Let me toss this scenario out for you (not that you'd do this, this is just a scenario); let's say your wife did play with another man who seemed to be great in bed. Let's say she played with him many times and developed strong emotions for him, actively loving him. Let's say in all of this she never humiliated you, always respected you, and so did the other man. Let's say the other man was always a perfect gentleman with your wife. Let's say the deep love you and your wife have for each other wasn't diminished by this, but rather enhanced. Is there a risk here? Where is the risk? My wife has enjoyed this very scenario with two different men who became boyfriends for her spanning years. Our love was never negatively affected by either relationship. We're still going strong now, and it's been a few years since things tailed off with her last boyfriend (he got a regular girlfriend who wasn't, understandably, amenable to it).

 

What I'm getting at here is that I'm picking up some subtle fears from you, in that you're worried your wife might develop emotions for another man, who she might feel are better for her in bed, or in someway diminish her opinion of you. My wife and I talked about this very thing extensively before we got into swinging. We thought of it as a bit of bridge crossing; in having sex with others we would be crossing a bridge, but the bridge wouldn't be blown up behind us. We felt that we would continue conversation and communication and if either of us felt it was negatively affecting our relationship, then we would step back across the bridge and re-evaluate. If you get to the deep level of communication I mentioned in my first post in this thread, I think you can successfully do that. Don't hold back; if you're fearful, say as much. It doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. Your wife can't address your feelings if she doesn't understand them. Sometimes it can be hard for a guy to express his fears. We're supposed to be Superman or some nonsense like that. It's just not true.

 

I've been that guy sitting in the corner watching my wife fucking another man. It's absolutely incredible One time was quite funny; we were having an hours long MFM with a guy, and were taking a bit of a break while recovering for another round. I went into the bathroom for a few minutes, and when I came out my wife was having sex with him again. That was an absolutely wonderful sight I made a wise crack like "Wow, I get up to use the bathroom and moments later my wife's having sex with another man already!"

 

I fully understand you not wanting your wife to date alone. We didn't do that at first either. For some couples, they never do that, and it's perfectly fine! The problem we ran into was having younger kids at home. Getting us both away to play was quite difficult at times. For practical reasons, if nothing else, it made more sense when she got a regular guy for her to play alone as needed. There was no way she could satisfy his sexual urges as often as he'd like if we had to get a baby sitter every time he was horny. It was nerve wracking for me at first, and her first couple of times she had some serious butterflies. But, when she came home she would always fill me in on her evening while I was busy "filling her in" it was intensely erotic to hear her tales whilst we were having sex. But, do (or don't do) what you want to do. Solo playing isn't for everyone. For some, it's all they do. Find your own groove. What is perfect is what works for you both together!

 

The really major thing I want to note in closing; you said "I need to find out more.... " YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES! This applies to finding out more about your wife, she finding out more about you, you finding out more about yourself, and her finding out more about herself. This is part of the wonderful journey you are embarking upon.

 

And holy cow I've written another book haha!