Seeking advice: Sex, Swinging and a partner with depression.

[LustyDesires 22]

As the title states, my partner has struggled with depression on and off most of her life due to a extremely abusive up bringing.

Followed by a failed marriage to a guy who had no interest in fulfilling any of her needs, both in being a partner, friend as well as intimately.

When we met, things changed for the good, she found adventure, love, partnership and intimacy with me.

 

Her depression faded.

We had sex often, it was to the point that she was insatiable, and I was with what I thought to have an inexhaustible libido, was occasionally feeling over sex'd. 

And I/We loved it!

Things were so hot, that we easily shared fantasies, turn ons and desires.

The swinging lifestyle was greatly desired and welcomed by both of us.

We strongly shared desires and a love for MFM Threesomes, Gangbangs and many other things as well.

 

Some time passed, and something changed.

Her depression returned, and with a vengeance. Over a duration of time her drive and desires slowly and other times quickly dried up.

 

At first she went back onto depression medication, and it helped a little, but it had adverse effects, so she got off of them, and reconnected with her Therapist.

Whom established she does not need the medication anymore.

 

Despite leaps and bounds of progress in some areas, she has gotten much worse in others.

 

Her sex drive/desire is gone.

 She will say it isn't, but: 

 

I cannot massage, touch her without her retreating.

Hugs and kisses are only accepted occasionally, but any sort of spontaneous affection is greeted with withdrawal and a body language of invasion of personal space.

 

If I playfully make sex jokes, talk to her about any desires, or if there is any interest in doing anything, I am greeted with eye rolls, sighs and disinterested distance.

 

When I ask if bringing any of that up is not OK, she tells me it is fine and not doing so is hurtful. That she just isn't in the mood at the time, and/or on the same page.........But in actuality within the last two maybe three years now, there isn't a day that is the right time, even when it seemed to be an appropriate moment. 

The reactions, and withdraw is always the same.

 

When I ask what could help turn her on, she will close up saying she doesn't know.

And with body language hints she wants me to drop the subject.

 

I am at a point where I don't bring anything up anymore because I am concern it will make her more upset, and don't know how to tackle this, as admiting i have stopped would also would upset her.

 

 

Believe me when I say I have been extremely patient. But it is definitely taking a toll.

 

I have asked if there is anything I am doing wrong, or if there is anything I could be doing to help, but am told I am doing nothing wrong, but she doesn't know if I can do anything.

 

I continue to give her support, and space anytime she needs it, but outside of cuddling up at night, intimacy between us seems to be getting further away...

*I can confirm with 100% confidence that there is no cheating going on—incase that was a thought.*

 

***Seeking others without my partner is not an option, nor is quitting on her.***

 

Does anyone here have any advice?

Have a partner in the same boat?

 

 

 

[couplers 4,140]

11 hours ago, LustyDesires said:

 

***Seeking others without my partner is not an option, nor is quitting on her.***

 

Does anyone here have any advice?

I have never dealt with this, either myself or someone else, so take this as amateur advice.  Perhaps it would help if she sought one or more others without you.  It could be that she feels responsibility or is generating her own pressure to please you.  If you let her to play with someone of her choosing and let her talk about it (or not) to the level of detail she wants, it could make her feel good about it again. 

 

We had no issues, but when the man who would become my husband let me have a boyfriend without pressure or judgment, while he stayed monogamous, it was a turning point for my self-esteem, empowerment, and self-image. 

[enhancer 1,542]

Don’t really have any advice, but can relate to what you are going through!  My ex wife of 16 years suffered from depression that she did not deal with or get help with.  I did everything I could to try and help her coupe with it including giving her support and space.  She continued to get more withdrawn and pushed me further away.  Our intimacy become non existent until she finally walked away from our relationship and left me to clean up all the pieces.  

Honestly her leaving was the best thing that could have happened.  I was able to start my life again with someone that does not have emotional issues and learn what a truly two way loving relationship is.  She on the other hand never did find the greener pastures she thought was out there or Prince Charming on the white horse riding in to save her. 
 

What I learned is you can not help someone who will not help themselves and that life is too short to spend it all fighting an uphill battle.  Depression is a hell of a curse and even if you do not suffer from it yourself it is easy to become the victim of it.

 

Good luck.

[LustyDesires 22]

7 hours ago, couplers said:

I have never dealt with this, either myself or someone else, so take this as amateur advice.  Perhaps it would help if she sought one or more others without you.  It could be that she feels responsibility or is generating her own pressure to please you.  If you let her to play with someone of her choosing and let her talk about it (or not) to the level of detail she wants, it could make her feel good about it again. 

 

We had no issues, but when the man who would become my husband let me have a boyfriend without pressure or judgment, while he stayed monogamous, it was a turning point for my self-esteem, empowerment, and self-image. 

Unfortunately that wouldn't fly.

Not because I wouldn't be willing, but actually because she isn't interested in playing solo.

She has voiced this, and has also voiced that if it's not something we do as a couple, then it's not something she would be interested in.

 

In terms of playing with others, the only thing she is open to, at best: my sitting back while she plays with someone else for a time.

 

And if she voiced she wanted it today, I would set it up asap. But the issue is that in her state, whilst still interested in swinging, even saying she wants to continue, she is reluctant to actually go forward with anything.

 

At the moment, in support, I have accepted taking a break ith any sort of swinging until she is ready.

That also includes sex with myself.

So there isn't a pressure to please me, in fact, if I am honest, at this point, I don't even remember the last time we had sex. 

 

[LustyDesires 22]

5 hours ago, enhancer said:

Don’t really have any advice, but can relate to what you are going through!  My ex wife of 16 years suffered from depression that she did not deal with or get help with.  I did everything I could to try and help her coupe with it including giving her support and space.  She continued to get more withdrawn and pushed me further away.  Our intimacy become non existent until she finally walked away from our relationship and left me to clean up all the pieces.  

Honestly her leaving was the best thing that could have happened.  I was able to start my life again with someone that does not have emotional issues and learn what a truly two way loving relationship is.  She on the other hand never did find the greener pastures she thought was out there or Prince Charming on the white horse riding in to save her. 
 

What I learned is you can not help someone who will not help themselves and that life is too short to spend it all fighting an uphill battle.  Depression is a hell of a curse and even if you do not suffer from it yourself it is easy to become the victim of it.

 

Good luck.

Thankfully my wife is actively seeking help.

This is a part of why I also refuse to give up on her, as she isn't choosing to do nothing.

 

You are correct though.

This does have a toll. And if not careful can easily spread the depression.

 

If in the end, my wife decides she will find her happiness without me, I will bow out in full support of that.

But thus far, she has stressed that she cherishes my being in her life.

 

Depression is definitely a curse, and like a cancer can spread or weigh on even the most resilient. 

[enhancer 1,542]

3 hours ago, LustyDesires said:

Thankfully my wife is actively seeking help.

This is a part of why I also refuse to give up on her, as she isn't choosing to do nothing.

 

You are correct though.

This does have a toll. And if not careful can easily spread the depression.

 

If in the end, my wife decides she will find her happiness without me, I will bow out in full support of that.

But thus far, she has stressed that she cherishes my being in her life.

 

Depression is definitely a curse, and like a cancer can spread or weigh on even the most resilient. 

I honestly wish you two the best of luck and hope you can get over this hump!  It didn’t work that way for myself, but everyone deals with the sickness that is depression differently.  Although I do not suffer with depression myself it is something I have been around most of my adult life.  My 21 year old daughter suffers from it and my other 25 year old daughter suffers from anxiety.  They are both on the same meds that help them and have their lives on track thankfully.  When you are the one supporting remember there is only so much you can do and sometimes when trying to do to much you will only get pushed away. 

 

Again good luck to both of you!  I am not one to push meds by any means, but for some people it can really help them deal with day to day life better.  

[KatrinaandDriverX 88]

Okay, this isn't the first time I've heard how a person has grown out of the need for anti-depressants, or never needed them in the first place. 

 

Go with her to therapy. 

[couplers 4,140]

I wish the best for both of you.  You are a wonderful, supportive man.

[let's do it again 380]

My ex wife dealt with depression. She tried various anti depressant meds which really messed with her sex drive. We finally divorced after 18 years of marriage. Whenever I started dating again I couldn't believe how many middle aged women are on antidepressants. I started dating a woman that I dated in high school and she was also on antidepressants, we tried having sex and she cried saying she couldn't cum and couldn't make herself cum. She told me that she felt like a slave to antidepressants, and was suicidal if her attempted to get off them. Menopause makes it worse for women, because they usually just try to shutdown sex totally. I recommend getting your wife's hormone levels checked by a qualified physician,  not some clinic doctor.  Good luck brother,  many of us men face this, and I know that plenty of women face this because plenty of men also suffer depression. 

[older couple 130]

My wife was just like yours.  My daughter and I have lived with all five of her moods.   We named them, Snow White.   A wonderful sweet perfect person.   The Monster.   A mean fit throwing, hitting, bossy, controlling, lying, narcist.   Number 3 was the slut.    She did so much risky sex with anyone, any sex and age and loved going naked and wearing skimpy clothes in public that showed her bare ass and bare tits exposed wearing revealing see through tops and also risky gambling and other things.   Number 4 was miss holey than thou Nunn.   Church, church, and no sex just everything Godly and pounding the Bible.  The last one is now.   She is normal as she can get.  She is on medicine that has helped her a lot.  She was diagnosed after psychotherapy having OCD and Narcissism.   She has a lot of medical problems that resemble Parkinson.    A bunch of specialists in Parkinsons say she also has Parkinsonism.   Caused by poisons.   She had contact with it from farming as a child.   Her father farmed in California.   Her whole family was sprayed while working in the fields with poisons from planes for defoliating, weeds, pesticides, and liquid fertilizers.   Her whole family shake, have memory problems, loss of smell, heart, lung, liver, eyesight problems, sexual problems, trembles shaking, and a lot of things.  You might look into something like Parkinsons.  Not saying it is the problem you understand.  Just something to look into.  My wife and her other six siblings have been beaten and really mistreated by their mother who had a shaking problem, cancer, lung and heart problems and just mean.   Believe she suffered from this poisoning is why she was that way.  They say she was so sweat and kind then around 30 years old, she became just mean and lost her friends and imagined things.   You need to research poisons that causes parkinsonism or moods like your wife.

.    Good luck.