First Time Swap with my partner

[cpllove 4]

My girlfriend and I had our first swap with another couple at a club last weekend. We were both very nervous although we had fun for sure. We did not know the other couple before hand although got along well in the club. My girlfriend made out with the other girl on the dance floor which was very sexy to watch. We ended up with full swap beside each other on a bed. I got nerves so could not get it up. I did get a blowjob from the other girl which resulted in a quick and short orgasm - not my usual. So I got first time nerves. May have also been due to some alcohol and we had had quite  bit of sex at home in the days prior as we were both quite excited. I watched her with the other guy and found it very exciting, also intimidating and experienced some very anxious feelings which I guess is normal. She did not have an orgasm as she was nervous also and had a few drinks for her nerves. We talked a little later. She feels the full swap was fun and is open to doing it again. She doesn't seem very willing to talk much otherwise though and I do feel that need. She did say she might need some time to process. I am having some intrusive thoughts about seeing her with another and realized I am being somewhat possessive and a little insecure around this. Again, not my usual. I am not cocky generally just not usually jealous or down on myself. I realize that I loved this experience and this type of thing is for sure for me. I love my girlfriend very much and really want us to work. We are 4 years in to our relationship and get along really well. We are very close, live together and are best friends. She is not as much of a talker as me though and sometimes that frustrates me - like now. Hence me being on this chat. I am ok with her reticence to talk and I believe her when she says we are fine and that she really doesn't feel that much has changed. I want to get past these feelings so we can have fun without the anxiety I am feeling. I have read and will follow the usual advice for males - minimize alcohol, not too much sex in the days before we play with others again, and I will use a pill the next time as insurance. Our sex since has been a bit spicier and her orgasms seem stronger, so I think this has given us a boost. I could use some advice about how to navigate the next steps.

[njbm 2,728]

Don’t rush it, but play again. I had a similar experience to you in our first time out. The other woman performed oral sex on me and I was so excited, I came in .001 seconds. I apologized for coming so fast and she said “ If you’re happy, I’m happy.”  Very generous. 
 

You sound like you understand the process. Your GF may just be reserved about it. Have more experiences, gain more experience, you’ll have fun. When we became experienced and met with other experienced couples, things went smoothly. You have to ride the pony. Have fun!

[couplers 4,140]

17 hours ago, cpllove said:

I love my girlfriend very much and really want us to work. We are 4 years in to our relationship and get along really well. We are very close, live together and are best friends... Our sex since has been a bit spicier and her orgasms seem stronger, so I think this has given us a boost. I could use some advice about how to navigate the next steps.

Propose marriage to her. 

[couplers 4,140]

On 11/25/2021 at 1:50 PM, cpllove said:

She is not as much of a talker as me though and sometimes that frustrates me - like now.

Something that I appreciated about hubby early on, even before David and I married, and still do, is that if I want to talk about it (the physical sex or my feelings) he will listen attentively and give me his thoughts.  If there was something that I wanted to keep to myself that was fine as well.  Hubby is neither one of those guys who needs to hear every detail, nor wants me to keep my activities from him. It's up to me.

[cpllove 4]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. So my best (guy) friend said the same thing - marry her. I am going to. This latest change for us has cemented our relationship. I really can't stop thinking about her. After I wrote my first piece above she and I had a talk. She had had time to to reflect and she was very reassuring, open and honest. She really focused on us as a couple - everything else is just fun. Perfect because I feel that way too. I still talked more than her - LOL. Thanks for your perspective couplers. I don't force her to talk either. Trust is so important in all of this. Trust that her being quiet doesn't mean trouble, just that she needs space to collect her feelings and thoughts. We are good with non-critical details being kept. She doesn't owe me her every thought. We have previously agreed that anything that affects us both should be discussed. Our latest adventure has been a test of faith if you will and we did great! Heck of a shift though. I feel different - liberated, a little shaken and very much in love.

 

Yes NJBM the other girl was very understanding   Most kind.

 

Not sure what we will do next. She wants to put some space between each adventure and I agree.

[cplnluv1 804]

We have met many couples that are looking for their first swinging experience. Many couples go to a club, first watch then decide if they want to take the next step with a people they just briefly met.  I’ve been told some just advance with no conversation at clubs. 
We meet people and always suggest we talk over dinner or drinks to make sure they want what they think they want. I know these pre sex meetings can sound like interviews. Some background of what brought them to want to have sex with others. It’s funny that one can be more open to strangers than to each other. We always talk about what started us. 

On 11/25/2021 at 3:50 PM, cpllove said:

I got nerves so could not get it up. I did get a blowjob from the other girl which resulted in a quick and short orgasm - not my usual. So I got first time nerves.

You are not the first man who got nervous and didn’t preform the way your usual way. Our first was supposed to be for me and the other woman to have sex in front of my husband. It ended up that in addition to choosing a woman, her partner was well endowed. I normally wouldn’t care about his size, the picture they sent us was very obvious. It was our first time so his bragging we felt was something we dealt with. Why am I telling you this? He went as quickly as you did. It happens.
Men can still orgasm without erections as you experienced, and when it happens I am happy that I could make it happen. 
On the other side women can enjoy sex without orgasm. Not every woman will orgasm every time, and I know women who claim they never had an orgasm.
We like to have a talk after sex with our new friends. We encourage them to talk about feelings and sort of give them homework of privately having the talk. 
Both of you need to be sure, no pushing the other into doing things outside of you comfort zone. Good luck going forward.   

[Thegreyarea 99]

It sounds like you have a few insecurities to work thru and that’s fine. We all start somewhere. It’s good that you realize your issues and are addressing them. 

[cpllove 4]

I think I do have some insecurities around all this. Not too bad overall but for sure there. And getting better pretty quickly. The bandaid has been ripped off so to speak. Now that I have had some time to reflect and some distance I recognize that some of my old issues are tied up in this. Another thing: my partner is seeming a little more distant overall since we started playing with others. She is also a little hot/cold around sex in general. I said above that our sex has been very good lately, which is true in the moment. She has also been saying no more than usual. I questioned her some about it and although she says she is busy I sense a distance. I don't think it is helpful to pursue this too much although I wonder if this is normal when a relationship enters a new phase as we have done. I am going to give this time and space for now. One very good aspect of this is that I feel more independent within the relationship and in general. So maybe there is a distance or a space being created within me as well. My sexual desire has shifted too - less immediate and more smoldering. I have almost no interest in porn or even fantasizing. I wonder what is going on underneath all this and if others have similar shifts after playing with others.

[Eddiem 139]

This was a big step cpllove... no bones about it. She like my wife need to create some space between the act. Us men like to visualize and dwell on details, the ladies in many cases less so. Give her time...

[AndrewandAnn 359]

First, allow me to recommend a book for you to buy TODAY. It's called The Five Love Languages. You, and your girlfriend, need this information pronto.

 

Second... I hate to be the one that arrives with a bucket of cold water, but I see some signs that are cause for some concern--particularly the lack of communication, the new distance between you two, and the changes in your sexual energy and habits. Yes, I appreciate your girlfriend is not overly verbal. However, her non-verbal cues are going in the wrong direction and should not be ignored. Sometimes giving her more space or creating more distance is exactly the wrong thing to do even if that is the vibe she might be giving off.

 

My wife, Ann, is far less verbal than am I. We have different love languages. So, I can relate to what you are going through and have some experience with this.

 

If I were in your shoes? I would immediately spring into action and give her a lot of non-verbal support combined with a lot of non-sexual affection and affirmations. I'm not sure what your economic situation is, but here are few easy starters that don't require much more than little planning and effort on your part:

 

Bring her a big bouquet of flowers and put them in nicest vase you have (or buy a new one)

Plan a night at home where you turn off the cell phones, order her favorite take-out food, and cuddle on the davenport while watching her favorite movies (when she falls asleep, carry her to bed--no sex!, then you stay up late and clean up the mess)

Get up early, take her car and clean it spotless, inside and out, top off the tank, and put a Starbucks gift card for her on the dash

Is there a project around the place that she wants completed? Get up early this Saturday and knock it out.

 

In other words, don't just tell her you love her. SHOW her you love her in your deeds. That's the language she will understand and appreciate.

 

You love this lady, so make her yours. Many a man has hesitated and lost.

 

Best of luck to both of you. Keep us posted.

[10thBadger 24]

I hope she didn’t have time to process this and now she is feeling regretful for doing this. Like the guy said above, you need to do some serious work because if she is putting distance between you, you’re gonna have to close that distance quickly before that distance becomes too far