First full swap, him - fun. her not again.

[Aerofan1973 18]

Wife and I have been married for 22 years and we have been in and out of the swinging lifestyle for some years (stopped to have a family, etc. etc.). We 99% of the time do MMF as I am bi and we prefer that scenario. Recently we found a couple who both are bi and we talked, went out tp dinner, chatted and hit it off very  well. We meet, the fun ensued and all seemed well. When we got home, my wife told me it was the worse time she had ever had seeing me with another women. I apologized and reminder her that we have words to stop any actions and I did not hear them. She said she felt weird calling it off, and just went for it. I feel quilty for not picking it up, and I think I am pondering it too much, but cannot stop feeling guilty. She says I should not, but I cannot stop it 2 weeks later. Any opinions on how to "get over it". I understand that it was a mistake but feel weird to have a rookie mistake occur after so may years. Thanks for feedback. 

[Lionheart72 2,186]

It all comes down to communication, doesn't it.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. Unless you're not sharing your psychic powers with us, you have no way to knowing what's going in your wife's head if she doesn't share. Hints, signals and subtle signs don't count as communication. That said, don't put blame on her... she needs to know that she can always speak up and never has to take one for the team. It sounds like she forgot that for a moment. That was her mistake.

 

We all make mistakes. Mistakes aren't bad, in themselves. What's important is that learn from them.

[njbm 2,728]

Do you what bothered her? Was it jealousy? 

[cplnluv1 804]

Was that the first time you played with a couple? You said 99%, meaning you have had other experiences. If she didn’t say anything in the past and she agreed to this new situation, you should have no guilt. 

[TeamCalgary 161]

Fully understand Aero, have been there before. We tend to run into these situations when there is an imbalance in the situation; one set of the partners clearly is enjoying things more than  the other set; this can cause jealousy in the partner whose experience was not perceived to be up to the same level as their SO.  One issue we have found is expectations; if we go into a situation with no expectations, then there is a higher chance of having a good time, because no bar or standard has been set. Talk it through Aero; no one is guilty of anything here,  and the two of you will move through this. 

[Fundamental Law 2,817]

Marriage is a journey. Journeys have different itineraries, structures, and yield different experiences. Imagine travelling to a distant land. You can sit on the bus, peer out the windows, and say that you had a successful journey. You can also choose to walk the land with no more than a backpack without a thought to where you will put your head down for sleep, come home with an entirely different experience, and say that you had a successful journey. Now do that with a companion. It is utterly unlikely that you will report the same levels of satisfaction. They might be close, they might be far apart, but they will not be identical. 

 

Marriage is *the* journey. It moves in one direction. So long as you are on it together, you will experience it together but you will never experience it quite the same. There will times when it is "shared wonderful". There will times when it is "shared awful". And there will be times when it seems great for one person, and a whole lot less great for the other. That's just how it works. There is no relationship -- much less marriage--where it's all "orgasms and roses". 

 

Compersion means that it's perfectly fine for your partner to have a great time while your experience is mediocre. Not all of the time, of course, but from time to time it's okay and expected for you to find joy in your companion's pleasure.  And vice versa. That can be really hard because it makes the other one feel vulnerable.

 

In fact, the most successful and happiest couples we know invest a lot of themselves in finding experiences that make their partners grin. They feel awkward calling off something that makes their partners happy. So the partner has to sense when compersion fails and someone is feeling vulnerable. 

 

No one was wrong in the scenario described. Part of the journey, part of the learning, part of growing together.