Husband feels like third wheel

[Vested 17]

Ok so my husband has been in the lifestyle prior to our marriage 8 years ago as a single guy. A few months ago he finally told me and I surprised him by not being shocked or turned off by the idea. We decided to venture in as a couple .  We have only had a couple play dates.   One was horrible because the wife seemed like she was only in it to make her husband happy.  Tonight we met a new couple and the husband was totally in to me but he did not feel his wife was in to him.  Previously he was a body builder and women basically fell at his feet now he feels like a an out of shape 50 year old man that no woman will have interest in. I have told him repeatedly it is about confidence.  Honestly he is still a very attractive man and I am not saying that just as his wife.  He is just so discouraged because he is not the person he was years ago that he seems like he is giving up on himself . I cannot stand seeing his ego crushed so much.  But seriously it has been like three couples total and I keep telling him it takes a bit to find a match for all four.  He is discouraged because the guys and gals are totally in to me but do not seem to be in to him.  I will never play alone or expect either of us to take one for the team. I kinda feel guilty because I am getting all the attention.  Any advice on how to help him push through this? We live in a very rural area so the club scene is not an option.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,146]

A hubby shouldn't be made to feel left out, but he should definitely expect to play second fiddle to his wife. The wives tend to get the attention in swinging. 

4-way chemistry is complicated. We have also been in several situations where the chemistry wasn't flowing in all directions. This may not be the answer you're looking for, but because good 4-way connections are hard to come by, my wife and I tend to seek 3-way connections (MFM) most often. They're simpler. The roles are easy (husband, wife, stunt cock), and the natural expectation is for the wife to be the center of attention, so there are no bruised egos.

Edited August 29, 2021 by hunterdonNJcpl

[couplers 4,217]

8 hours ago, Vested said:

He is just so discouraged because he is not the person he was years ago that he seems like he is giving up on himself . I cannot stand seeing his ego crushed so much.

May I make two suggestions?  Use this as an opportunity for you and your husband to undertake whatever diet and fitness routine brings you together and makes you feel good.  Even a little goes a long way in building confidence.  Second, see if you can find a woman who is eager to fuck him, someone among your female friends and acquaintances who has said that she finds him attractive.  People on this Board have said that it is difficult to find a Unicorn, a bisexual woman willing to play with both in a couple, and in my experience that is true.  In our early days of non-monogamy, however, I found it relatively easy to find women among my female friends who subtlety expressed an interest in my husband.  I would tell them that hubby finds you attractive as well (whether he did or not ?), that I was flattered you think so, and it can be arranged.  Women are attracted to married men, will feel comfortable and move ahead especially if the wife encourages it and acts as the intermediary.  Then let them go at it alone.  Only a few women were willing for me to be there to watch, even fewer who let me participate or engage in Lesbian acts with her.  Not only will you be doing your husband a favor, the sex when you get him back will be incredible.

Edited August 29, 2021 by couplers

[njbm 2,735]

Sometimes it takes awhile for the husband to find an enthusiastic female partner. Your husband has to forge ahead. He will find a woman with enthusiasm for him.

 

We were on a lifestyle cruise several years ago. The husband, as usual, was gaga for my wife. I could tell the other wife was lukewarm to negative about me. The husband must have talked her into taking one for the team and they later came to our room to play. 
 

For reasons I cannot explain, I pushed every button this woman had. Repeatedly. She had an intense orgasm during intercourse. I heard her husband say “That never happens.”

 

A few days later, the four of us met for round two. I was apprehensive, thinking that our first meeting was just an anomaly. Wrong. I blew her up again. She was super skilled and I had to do all possible to hold back a premature shot myself. Really mind blowing sex. 
 

As we were disembarking, she and I passed each other as we were leaving the rest rooms. She didn’t say anything, but she grabbed my hand and squeezed it. 
 

Hang in there, original poster’s husband. Your day will come. 

[couplers 4,217]

23 minutes ago, njbm said:

the other wife was lukewarm to negative about me... 
 

For reasons I cannot explain, I pushed every button this woman had.

The same for me except it wasn't with a play partner, it was my husband and boyfriend; it wasn't just sex, it was on every level that led to marriage and formation of our family.  My feminine sex appeal is limited, I'm thin with no tits, a skinny ass and looked underage until I hit my thirties, attracting pervs who thought they could fulfill a fantasy with someone who was legal.  Hubby admits that he wasn't physically attracted to me when we met, but the situation gave away my age.  He liked me on an intellectual level and thought he would like to continue to see me.  He said he began to have romantic feeling for me despite me not physically being his type.  When we did finally have sex, I showed him that I was indeed his type.  So you never know until you give it some time and maybe an opportunity.

[Lionheart72 2,186]

I agree confidence is the key.

 

Speaking as a chubby middle-aged guy with a hot wife, I've been in the situation of having couples and guys interested in my wife and not in me often enough. I understand how it can sting. I also understand that sometimes, in that scenario, the right answer is to just pass and look for other opportunities... and in others, it's to embrace it (as long as everyone is having fun).  I also know enough chubby middle-aged guys to know that our hot wives love us of for a reason. We have something to offer. When we believe in ourselves, when we have that self-confidence, it shows and people respond to it.

 

Vested, I don't know if it will work for him but you might consider reminding your husband that his hot wife loves and is attracted to him. Help build his confidence by showing him that he's got a hot partner who thinks he's the best, not for who he used to be but for who he is now. A little pride can be a good thing, now and again.

[Vested 17]

3 hours ago, Lionheart72 said:

I agree confidence is the key.

 

Speaking as a chubby middle-aged guy with a hot wife, I've been in the situation of having couples and guys interested in my wife and not in me often enough. I understand how it can sting. I also understand that sometimes, in that scenario, the right answer is to just pass and look for other opportunities... and in others, it's to embrace it (as long as everyone is having fun).  I also know enough chubby middle-aged guys to know that our hot wives love us of for a reason. We have something to offer. When we believe in ourselves, when we have that self-confidence, it shows and people respond to it.

 

Vested, I don't know if it will work for him but you might consider reminding your husband that his hot wife loves and is attracted to him. Help build his confidence by showing him that he's got a hot partner who thinks he's the best, not for who he used to be but for who he is now. A little pride can be a good thing, now and again.

Lionheart I love your advice .  Truthfully he is the best man I have ever known and he still rocks my world.  Sexually there is not a man who can please me more than him and he knows it by my multiple orgasms lol I tell him how hot he is all the time because he does still make my heart skip... His response ... You are my wife, you are biased. 

[Lionheart72 2,186]

22 minutes ago, Vested said:

Lionheart I love your advice .  Truthfully he is the best man I have ever known and he still rocks my world.  Sexually there is not a man who can please me more than him and he knows it by my multiple orgasms lol I tell him how hot he is all the time because he does still make my heart skip... His response ... You are my wife, you are biased. 

LoL... you know, thinking about it, I think this is one of the great things about swinging. I know my wife is biased, but I've also watched her have lots of fun with lots of other guys (both individuals and in groups, small and large). When she tells me I'm her absolute favorite, I have no doubt it's true and based on a well-considered comparison with a wide cross section of alternatives.

 

In the end, he needs to find his confidence on his own. No one can find it for him. All you can do it what it sounds like you are doing... continue to support him and love him.

[Vested 17]

Thank you That is a great perspective

[Vested 17]

9 hours ago, njbm said:

Sometimes it takes awhile for the husband to find an enthusiastic female partner. Your husband has to forge ahead. He will find a woman with enthusiasm for him.

 

We were on a lifestyle cruise several years ago. The husband, as usual, was gaga for my wife. I could tell the other wife was lukewarm to negative about me. The husband must have talked her into taking one for the team and they later came to our room to play. 
 

For reasons I cannot explain, I pushed every button this woman had. Repeatedly. She had an intense orgasm during intercourse. I heard her husband say “That never happens.”

 

A few days later, the four of us met for round two. I was apprehensive, thinking that our first meeting was just an anomaly. Wrong. I blew her up again. She was super skilled and I had to do all possible to hold back a premature shot myself. Really mind blowing sex. 
 

As we were disembarking, she and I passed each other as we were leaving the rest rooms. She didn’t say anything, but she grabbed my hand and squeezed it. 
 

Hang in there, original poster’s husband. Your day will come. 

Thank you I shared this with my husband ?

[lcmim 1,048]

12 hours ago, Vested said:

. His response ... You are my wife, you are biased. 

That should be the point you ARE his wife and feel that way. There are many wives who have reached a boredom threshold who do not feel that way.

 

He is blessed.

[couplers 4,217]

17 hours ago, Lionheart72 said:

you might consider reminding your husband that his hot wife loves and is attracted to him.

 

14 hours ago, Vested said:

Sexually there is not a man who can please me more than him ... His response ... You are my wife, you are biased. 

 

13 hours ago, Lionheart72 said:

one of the great things about swinging. I know my wife is biased, but I've also watched her have lots of fun with lots of other guys

These parts of the above comments stood out to me.  Although these thoughts are true, the point of swinging is have new experiences together, explore new ways of enjoying sex, trying kinks that never came up between husband and wife.

As much as my husband loves me, the one thing that I cannot be is someone else - her body, her way of screwing, her little kinks.  So telling hubby he's the best while you are doing these things and he is not doesn't fix the situation.

 

 

21 hours ago, couplers said:

When we did finally have sex, I showed him that I was indeed his type.

One of the ways that I showed my husband (by then he was my husband) that I was his type sexually was by fixing him up with other women and ultimately creating a poly family with two other women who love him, screw him better in some ways than I can, and have given him children.  (We women still have my ex-boyfriend in the family for us.)  You can't just tell him, you need to show him that he's sexually attractive to other women.  Yeah, men have fragile egos.

 

So yes, reassure him that he great, but also work on finding him a play partner.  

Edited August 30, 2021 by couplers

[Vested 17]

3 hours ago, lcmim said:

That should be the point you ARE his wife and feel that way. There are many wives who have reached a boredom threshold who do not feel that way.

 

He is blessed.

Thank you I cannot imagine ever becoming bored with him lol

[Vested 17]

2 hours ago, couplers said:

 

 

These parts of the above comments stood out to me.  Although these thoughts are true, the point of swinging is have new experiences together, explore new ways of enjoying sex, trying kinks that never came up between husband and wife.

As much as my husband loves me, the one thing that I cannot be is someone else - her body, her way of screwing, her little kinks.  So telling hubby he's the best while you are doing these things and he is not doesn't fix the situation.

 

 

One of the ways that I showed my husband (by then he was my husband) that I was his type sexually was by fixing him up with other women and ultimately creating a poly family with two other women who love him, screw him better in some ways than I can, and have given him children.  (We women still have my ex-boyfriend in the family for us.)  You can't just tell him, you need to show him that he's sexually attractive to other women.  Yeah, men have fragile egos.

 

So yes, reassure him that he great, but also work on finding him a play partner.  

Couplers ... I get that, I am working on exactly that... Finding him a play partner Although I believe in time he will find one himself as we are meeting people Once he truly shows them who he is, he is kinda hard to resist  I can lead him to a potential partner but it is up to him to work his magic a bit No one really wants a sympathy fuck Well I guess some might take one but it is far better when someone is in to you 

[couplers 4,217]

1 hour ago, Vested said:

I am working on exactly that... Finding him a play partner

Yes, sometimes men need a little help, they lose a little confidence with something in life and it spirals down.  A little attention to the situation, a little boost can go a long way.  He'll look back and wonder how this was ever a problem.  Take care, good wife.

[GoldCoCouple 4,032]

Finding a four way match is REALLY HARD to do. It's like when you were looking for your husband...times four. It WILL take some time to find that perfect couple. Also, men are...whats a better word than 'pigs'? Men, more often than not, are visual. The emotional part isn't that important. Women are the ones who are usually looking for that connection with the guy. If it isn't there, it isn't there, and trying to force it to happen doesn't work too often. There have been couples that we have met where we (Ms Gold and myself) thought that they are a perfect match for us...only to find out that they didn't feel the same...at all. It was sad and discouraging to think we found a match, but they didn't agree with us. The trick is to just set it aside and remember that by letting you know now, they are saving you a bunch of time and effort that you can now use to find your match. He just needs to understand that this is how things are. We do have a rule that if one of us says no, then we both are saying no. If you see that the other woman doesn't seem 'into' your husband, just tell him no, you aren't into the other guy and save him from feeling like he is the one being rejected. At the same time, if his self esteem is suffering this much, then maybe you should take a break and work on fixing the base problem. Start out simple by the both of you taking walks in the evening. It may take some time, but working on improving his self esteem is going to help in most other areas as well. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

[njbm 2,735]

For swinging, we don’t expect perfect matches. Nice person, groomed well, body and face attractive, can reciprocate sexually and give it the old college try— you’re in. 

Edited August 30, 2021 by njbm

[couplers 4,217]

3 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Finding a four way match is REALLY HARD to do. It's like when you were looking for your husband...times four.

Agreed. 

 

3 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

It WILL take some time to find that perfect couple.

So consider matching one to one; leave the foursomes for later.  The only couple that we became involved with was Lora and Walter.  They were just dating, Lora started fucking hubby, Walter was good with it, we started socializing and having sex with them both as they got serious, engaged, married.  It's a different approach. 

 

3 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

If you see that the other woman doesn't seem 'into' your husband, just tell him no, you aren't into the other guy and save him from feeling like he is the one being rejected.

Excellent advice. 

[Vested 17]

7 hours ago, couplers said:

Yes, sometimes men need a little help, they lose a little confidence with something in life and it spirals down.  A little attention to the situation, a little boost can go a long way.  He'll look back and wonder how this was ever a problem.  Take care, good wife.

Thank you ♥️

[Vested 17]

6 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Finding a four way match is REALLY HARD to do. It's like when you were looking for your husband...times four. It WILL take some time to find that perfect couple. Also, men are...whats a better word than 'pigs'? Men, more often than not, are visual. The emotional part isn't that important. Women are the ones who are usually looking for that connection with the guy. If it isn't there, it isn't there, and trying to force it to happen doesn't work too often. There have been couples that we have met where we (Ms Gold and myself) thought that they are a perfect match for us...only to find out that they didn't feel the same...at all. It was sad and discouraging to think we found a match, but they didn't agree with us. The trick is to just set it aside and remember that by letting you know now, they are saving you a bunch of time and effort that you can now use to find your match. He just needs to understand that this is how things are. We do have a rule that if one of us says no, then we both are saying no. If you see that the other woman doesn't seem 'into' your husband, just tell him no, you aren't into the other guy and save him from feeling like he is the one being rejected. At the same time, if his self esteem is suffering this much, then maybe you should take a break and work on fixing the base problem. Start out simple by the both of you taking walks in the evening. It may take some time, but working on improving his self esteem is going to help in most other areas as well. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

Thank you That is so true. One of the reasons he gained a little weight and trust me, it isn't that much is he had three foot surgeries last year ... So walking and such has been an issue.  So timing like you said is probably a factor 

[cuckboat 9]

On 8/29/2021 at 6:18 AM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

A hubby shouldn't be made to feel left out, but he should definitely expect to play second fiddle to his wife. The wives tend to get the attention in swinging. 

4-way chemistry is complicated. We have also been in several situations where the chemistry wasn't flowing in all directions. This may not be the answer you're looking for, but because good 4-way connections are hard to come by, my wife and I tend to seek 3-way connections (MFM) most often. They're simpler. The roles are easy (husband, wife, stunt cock), and the natural expectation is for the wife to be the center of attention, so there are no bruised egos.

Correct. Waiting for perfect for 4  takes away from what is there. I knew in any 3some my g.f/ wife would  be the center. that was my focus. Hell I loved just to watch and not be noticed at all ,.Being and feeling irrelevant to the situation is part of the good feelings to a  cuck.  Being the 3rd wheel gives you a front seat, if your lucky,  or perhaps just hearing , just knowing or just wondering if.....Men tend to try to fix things. In this let the other man fix your wife...you are there to help her enjoy him.