Trouble communicating about sexual fantasies

[kc081878 12]

My wife and I are 42, married 19 years. We are not in the lifestyle. She has 1 rule... No anal. Otherwise she is game for whatever I come up with. Not much else is off limits. Toys, Role play, sex swing, BDSM, simulated MFM/Gangbangs, sex machine, etc. 

 

Although we have done some pretty involved and creative role play/simulations... she says she can't imagine doing the above with others for real. If I'm honest, the reality would be a big step for me as well. Yet, I tell her I'm not opposed either.

 

I have found that my fetish is whatever makes her aroused in new ways. I love the nuances of her sounds and how her body responds to a new sensation. 

 

She says she is perfectly happy with our dynamic. I create the scene and surprise her. I even find myself sounding silly for writing this as if it were a problem. 

 

We are tremendously transparent, collaborative and vocal about every aspect of our lives. But when it comes to discussing fantasies, likes/dislikes, collaborating on role play, etc... my wife shuts down or becomes flippant or gets a "how soon can we get this talk over with?" type vibe. She will say,"I just don't have anything to say." 

 

I don't press her to share more than she wants and there are probably way more layers than can be addressed here. 

 

So I suppose my question is...

 

Are there couples that have experienced a similar dynamic in their journey and how/in what ways were they able to be more expressive?

 

[njbm 2,728]

If you are not ready to play with others, don’t do it. While exciting, it comes with risk of rejection, awkward situations, STDs, crushes and stalkers. 
 

You could go to a club or meet a couple with the understanding that you will only watched and be watched. You will be closer to knowing if you want to play with others.  

[kc081878 12]

Thanks for the advice njbm. She did agree to let me plan a trip Desire resort last year but COVID hit so that idea fizzled out. She said she would totally be doing it for me. I was hoping that the environment would help her be more free to confidently express herself. 

 

The thing is, my wife is so intelligent and creative in every other venture, it makes me wonder how that same energy would look if applied to her own sexual desires.

 

 

 

 

[Fundamental Law 2,817]

49 minutes ago, kc081878 said:

my wife is so intelligent and creative in every other venture

 

 

 

 

This remark speaks to tremendous respect for your spouse. Bravo, it is foundational to all marriages, vanilla or otherwise. 

 

She seems fully content with fantasy and role play. Is there a reason for *her* to be discontent? How might she see the downside to feeling discontent? 

 

Suppose for a moment that she drives a perfectly safe car manufactured 12 years ago, runs fine, a few blemishes, does everything she wants it to do. You can afford to give her a brand-new whatever marque/make/model. You broach the subject, "Honey, we have the money, let's get you a new car."

 

 In many marriages, you won't get her to do so much as a test drive without a focused plan. There will be a reason to save the money, or she will be unsure of what the best choice is, or ...  . You will get "it runs, it's paid for, it does everything I need it to do or want it to do."

 

On the other hand, suppose you have eaten at pretty much the same restaurants in your area for some time. There's a couple of new restaurants that have opened up. You casually suggest trying one of them for dinner. 

 

In many marriages, you'll be tasked with making sure they can get you in tonight while she's getting dressed. 

 

What's the difference in the two scenarios? Is it "getting stuck with something you might not want or need?" Is it "cost" and the inability to just walk away? Is it fear that the "old and reliable" might pale in comparison? 

 

 

 

 

[kc081878 12]

"What's the difference in the two scenarios? Is it "getting stuck with something you might not want or need?" Is it "cost" and the inability to just walk away? Is it fear that the"old and reliable" might pale in comparison?" - Fundamental Law

 

She isn't the type that fakes an orgasm. And I'm not the type that needs her to for my ego sake. If she can't climax she will politely say so.  But that's not very often. So I trust it's not a fear she will find someone better. 

 

I would think if we got where we were to consider a real sharing or swap situation, the apprehensions would have more to do with the anxiety of logistics, safety, hygiene, unexpected emotions etc. 

 

However, her feelings on sex are a bit of a challenge to navigate as she is reluctant to vocalize her desires. 

 

I can't and don't complain much because she likes me to surprise her and that is so very fun. Perhaps that's truly how she just "let's herself go".  As I said, she is very intelligent and a researcher by heart. So it would music to my ears if one day she said, "Hey I was reading about ______ and thought you and I could talk and do  _____."