We moved too far too fast... mixed feelings

[LIVSLA 3]

Advice needed here.

 

It was my (Steve) idea and my wife (Liv) had needed convincing on it (to the point where, once we'd agreed to do it, she wouldn't talk about it again until the night).  She views herself as being fairly traditional in most areas of her life but opened up to the idea when I mentioned some friends of ours had tried it. 

 

On the evening of the event, we were both nervous but I thought we would have a good time and things would change.   We both made an effort, but I thought Liv dressed fairly conservatively (a bit of cleavage but a knee-length skirt) - I'm not sure she knew what to expect...  We didn't have any 'rules' as such: in the taxi journey to the venue, she said quietly that she was keen that we agree to just watch, but I encouraged her to keep it open-ended and see what happens.

 

However, on arriving, it became clear that Liv was the 'big hit', with several men coming over to us in the early part of the evening.  She was polite but cool with them to begin with but as the champagne began to take effect became more comfortable in conversation.   About 2 hours after arriving, people around us started to remove their clothes and one of the guys (a male model-resembling guy called Jason) encouraged 'us' (looking at Liv) to join in.   The moment had arrived...

 

I had sex with one woman (Sarah) but found it awkward (and I am sure she would agree) - I found her reasonably attractive but had the sense she was unsure on me.   She seemed to want to cuddle me for prolonged stretches, possibly to delay the need for anything else...

 

Liv's evening was very different: she was wrapped around Jason who very quickly had her clothes off and was inside of her within minutes.   She had her eyes closed and mouth open.  I wasn't sure what to make of it but returned my attention to Sarah, in the hope we could move things forward.

 

I looked over again a while later and two other men had joined Liv and Jason, one similarly good looking, the other with a less impressive physique (and a gold chain, which I thought would be a problem for her, given she doesn't like jewellery on men) but an enormous penis (think his name was Adrian).  She kept her eyes closed and didn't look at the men's penises but stroked the men's stomachs and then took their dicks in her hands.  On grasping the large penis, she did open them and seemed surprised! 

 

Jason orgasmed with a shudder and withdrew, heading to the bar in the corner of the room (high-fiving a friend en route) without a scrap of clothing on him (although he hardly needed them with a physique like that).  The other two guys then began to position themselves with Adrian stepping between her legs.  She seemed unsure at this point and was speaking with him as he rolled the condom on, I think to give him instructions ('go slow' most likely being one!).  He poured lubricant over his penis - it was easily twice the size in length of mine and significantly thicker, and I had almost forgotten Sarah (now basically just lying on top of me) as he pushed it in.  She winced and began to breathe quickly.  To his credit, he paused and asked her a question, to which she nodded in reply, before they smiled at each other. 

 

Sarah interrupted this to ask whether I could get her a drink and I spent a few minutes trying to locate my wallet (my trousers were behind the sofa we were lying on).  I did find it but a nearby couple offered us a top-up from their open bottle.  I then returned my attention to Liv.

 

I now had a view of Liv's open legs with Adrian's huge cock pushing inside her.  She had almost forgotten the other guy was there (he just stood there masturbating at this point) and her hands were on Adrian's hips as he began to speed up.   As before, her eyes were closed and her mouth was open, but her face carried a strange look of concentration.  After a few minutes (no more than 10), she put her hands on his stomach, to slow him down, and her body tensed.  She threw her head back and arched her back.   I was very aware at this point that I had never made her cum from penetration but that gut punch would only become clear to me later - the situation was so surreal that I struggled to focus on what that meant in the moment.  He paused for a moment and then resumed, her moans (now audible over the music playing in the room) growing louder as he went.  He was getting near and squeezed her tits, with her hands on his, as he came.  They held each other for about 10-15 minutes, his penis still inside her, before separating and gathering their things.

 

I said goodbye to Sarah and we tidied ourselves up, and Liv and I left, without speaking, beyond a few awkward smiles. 

 

The emotions that came afterwards have been hard to process.  I wanted to have sex with her the next day, almost to reassert myself, but her pussy was too sore (and remained that way for a few days).   She seems distant and I don't really know how to get back to where we were.  I wondered whether going to another party would lift her mood but she quickly closed it down.  Any advice people have on how to move forward from this would be welcomed.

[luv2was 115]

Well... Since you asked for advice, here it is:

 

First off, since your wife agreed to even go to a Swinger Club, that puts you WAY ahead of the curve of the hopes of many a man.  Be grateful for that.  And do whatever you need to do to make your wife feel comfortable in any situation.  One of the Golden Rules of Swinging (or any form of ethical non-monogamy), is to "only go as fast as the slowest person present".  You've had a lot of time to think about this it seems.  She needs time to catch up.  Listen.

 

Education is the key.  And if that learning is something you can do together, all the better.  This BBS is an excellent resource.  Once you find a meaningful post here (and they occur fairly often), read it and discuss it together.  Same goes for podcasts.  "We Gotta Thing" (WGT) is an excellent resource related to this BBS.  I highly recommend it.  "Normalizing Non-Monogamy" (NNM) may be useful as well.  Give a try for a while.

https://wegottathing.com/

https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/

 

Playboy "Swing" is a TV show that may be useful.  Most of the episodes are online.  While you do not need to watch them in order, it may help a little bit.  The best part of the show is listening to the experienced "resident" couples speak on topics.  A lot to understand there.  Episodes vary in quality (of the story/information), and whether it illustrates the good or the bad varies a bit.  But for the most part the experiences are good.  Overall the program is a bit skewed, but it is as good a product you will find out there like that, so give it a try.

Here is the 1st episode.  I've never had a problem viewing that site.

https://www.xnxx.com/video-5icgd04/swings01e01

 

The nice thing about streaming media is it is something you can do together.  Pause / rewind, and discuss anytime.

 

"No pressure, No promises" is another nugget I have come to love as I've floundered along in the Lifestyle.  That door swings both ways too.  "No Judgement" is another good one, and not nearly as easy to live up to.  Work on it.

 

Be Patient.  Again:  You've been thinking on this idea a lot longer.  Give her all the time she needs to catch up.

 

You may have jumped the gun a bit on your first outing.  But what is done is done.  Chalk it up to experience.  I'm sure that there are quite a few couples that did not start out all roses and wonderfulness.  (I know, I see them post here.)  Keep the dialog going.  Be patient.  (Always.)

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,087]

 

9 hours ago, luv2was said:

"No pressure, No promises" is another nugget I have come to love as I've floundered along in the Lifestyle.  That door swings both ways too.  "No Judgement" is another good one, and not nearly as easy to live up to.  Work on it.

No pressure. No promises. No judgement.  Words to live by in this lifestyle!

Steve, congratulations on you and Liv taking the plunge!  It sounds like a GREAT start but we understand that emotions can mess with new people, so we think it's important at this point for you to communicate with Liv. Let her know how much she turned you on that night, how exciting it was for you to see her with those other men.  Let her know how much you love and admire her for taking this bold step together.  If she is feeling weird about the events of that night then give her love and encouragement.  With love and encouragement, we find that as the events play back in your heads they will fuel your desire for each other and for more lifestyle adventures!

[couplers 4,143]

May I add as well that things need not be symmetric.  I was non-monogamous two years before I was comfortable with my husband being with other women.  That was one of the most generous and understanding things he has ever done.  It made me feel powerful, confident, loved and contributed greatly to my development as a person.  I am also bisexual and hubby is not.  Be loving, understanding, and caring towards your wife, giving more than you expect in return.  Put her first and tell her that you love her.

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

I don't think going to another party would help things. Rather the opposite.

 

The two of you really need to talk, without any expectations that there will be more play. It's important for the relationship. There's a lot of processing going on, for her and for you. Both of you would benefit from talking through your emotions, and discussing your relationship. I wouldn't advise doing anything swinging related for the time being. I doubt she's ready for that again, and she may never be. That's ok. As luv2was mentioned, you're fortunate that she was willing to go to a club with you. Relax, take your time, relish the memories of that night, and talk with her. Be completely open with her.

[cplnuswing 4,711]

1 hour ago, bbarnsworth said:

Relax, take your time, relish the memories of that night, and talk with her. Be completely open with her.

I think this is a good path.  I really don't see any huge danger signs in how things have gone so far.  In fact, the two of you's first swinging experience was much more successful than a lot of first tries. People often think that since they have been having sex for decades, so already have decades of experience and this swinging thing no big deal. Nope, It's totally different, and no amount of sex in the years leading up to swinging with your partner will better prepare you for it, emotional wavelength is just totally different.

 

But, I do think you both need time to just sort of process everything that has happened up until this point, talk about it together, and then together decide where you go from here.  There's no timeline on when each step of that needs to happen, just let it come naturally.

[machiavel55 80]

I can't believe the responses to Livsla's post, but considering the dynamics of a lot of couples on this board, I also can't say I'm surprised.

[10thBadger 24]

On 10/31/2020 at 12:35 AM, machiavel55 said:

I can't believe the responses to Livsla's post, but considering the dynamics of a lot of couples on this board, I also can't say I'm surprised.

I was thinking the exact same thing. She did not want to do anything that Extreme. Is it getting hammered by two guys and now she’s having problems and everybody is congratulating her. But obviously she is having some major misgivings.

[realcplub2 513]

On 12/26/2021 at 9:04 PM, 10thBadger said:

I was thinking the exact same thing. She did not want to do anything that Extreme. Is it getting hammered by two guys and now she’s having problems and everybody is congratulating her. But obviously she is having some major misgivings.

Our thinking as well, wading into a pool is one thing.. Jumping into the deep end is another..

 

While we are joining the conversation a bit late the council we would have given is simple this.. As much talk as you had going in, needs to be held coming out..

 

Her apparent enjoyment and the backstory given, are a harsh mental conflict.. Being supportive and re enforcing the positives rather than the mental negatives she may be having.. For some women, getting past the enjoyment of the moment followed by the personal criticism of how they feel they will be judged or judging themselves by the yardstick they were raised by can be daunting.

 

Then there is the flip side, which again, should have been discussed at length going in and coming out, Her enjoyment of getting fucked, cumming for the first time vaginally, a larger cock.. again, perhaps she is asking herself what have I been missing? 

 

Its up to the Husband who coherence her into this, to hopefully have explained the dynamics of opening a relationship. Of understanding its sex, not a instance to throw away a lifetime.    

[Baconheads 397]

So this guy posts about his, to me, untoward experience.  The board is happy that they were able to jump in, but several people warned to not jump back in too fast.  Ten days later he posts this:  

Then nothing.  His wife got together with the same dude.  I'm a little confused.  He never responded to any of the feedback, Never posted again on either thread.

 

Troller or scam artist?   If it was a true story, he coerced her into going to the club, and didn't stick with her on their first time.  Didn't agree to making any rules when she clearly wanted to.  I would never wish on anyone the end of their relationship, but mine would never survive that.

[PeterJ 826]

29 minutes ago, Baconheads said:

So this guy posts about his, to me, untoward experience.  The board is happy that they were able to jump in, but several people warned to not jump back in too fast.  Ten days later he posts this:  

Troller or scam artist?  

 

Baconheads, I was dubious about the veracity of this post from the start. That said, fictitious posts sometimes stimulate useful and on-point discussions.