New to this, subject seems very thorny

[jlockley37 0]

Hi all. The wife and I have decided together that swinging is something we're both open to and would like to try. However, I want to be well educated and we both want to avoid the pitfalls. And there seems to be a LOT of pitfalls. You've got STD's, unstable individuals, potential emotions coming into play, the list just goes on and on. And it's all for what appears to be one advantage: You both get to experience other people. It's a nice experience, and in my view still worth it. But it occurs to me that if things go south, many people would change their minds and decide that it was not actually worth it. What are your thoughts on this? Bear in mind that we haven't gone through with it yet, but after a conversation led in that direction about a couple months ago, it came to light that we'd both be open to giving it a try. And that we both don't see anything inherently wrong with it, based on principle.

 

I'm just not the jealous type (never have been) and she doesn't have traditional beliefs when it comes to relationships. We've always had really good and open communication, and I told her early in the relationship that if she ever wants to act on any feelings with regards to someone else, just let me know. And I'll do the same. She agreed that it was best and we've maintained open communication. Thus far we haven't gone outside the marriage, but now that we've had the actual swinging discussion, I felt that it was a good idea to come and ask the wise people here.

 

I do have one other question, and it's in regards to one of the sponsors of this board. We started an account at Adult Friend Finder to see what we could see. Made a profile and sent a few messages. If that sounds like we're moving too fast, well please bear in mind that an account and messages don't mean that we 100% have to act on anything immediately. We're just kind of testing the waters right now. So my question is... does that place actually work? We're both pretty physically fit (not overweight) but we live in a medium sized town about 30 minutes south of a major city. So I'm wondering if we're just too far away from most folks for them to consider us. We've gotten no messages at all and we've got a paid membership. So I just wanted to stop by and ask if any members here have used AFF, and if you had any success finding anyone compatible. Thanks!

 

TL;DR

 

1. What are the major pitfalls for new, married swingers? And do you think it's worth the risk of falling into one of these pits?

 

2. Does AFF actually work? Or are there just too many fake accounts and accounts that are too old?

[twohots4u2 187]

My swing buddy and I used AFF for about 10 years and found it to be a great way to meet other swingers.  But, you have to get involved.  When you put up a profile, people are not going to just overwhelm you with invitations.  Your profile should be attractive and give off positive vibes to others.  For example, if I read your message above, I would not be interested in approaching you. You come on as too negative.

 

You should have some attractive photos available for those who just view your profile.  Keep the personal photos available only to those who you want to let view them.

 

Seek out folks in your area who seem attractive and compatible to you.  Invite them to view your profile and open up a dialog with them.  Meet with the ones who seem suitable to you.  Recommend that you meet them in a restaurant for lunch or dinner, get to know them, and if you click, then go to a nearby hotel room and have fun.   If not, be nice about it and just enjoy meeting some new people.  

 

Good luck.  Have fun!

[adamgunn 1,456]

We do understand your concerns about pitfalls. And there are quite a few, many more than you've mentioned.

And, there can be a lot of fun, and growth to your primary relationship. Plus the possibility that you'll make some wonderful, not-traditional friends.

You're wise to educate yourselves, and you have great communications between the two of you. This is an absolute must.

 

At this point, to avoid the potholes, just go slowly, thinking out the steps before committing to them. Like a game of chess.

[Guest]

We started on AFF and then SDC. And we spent way too much time filtering out the fakes. It takes time, it's frustrating, and probably a necessary task for new swingers. Things got much better after we had made friends with a few full swap couples. From there your circle of friends or at least knowledge of who really swings will grow. People talk and your data base of truth will grow with talking. You will also have your swinger friends doing some of the work for you as they discover fun couples as well. 

 

The biggest pitfall or danger is your own emotional security as a couple. In our initial attempts to have parties or attend them, all the drama came from couples that got all hairy when their spouse was having "a little too much fun." In many cases they had placed too many restrictions on each other, and in some, they just couldn't handle seeing their partner be intimate. 

 

Our first swap was at a club and then we set off to meet couples. But, I knew everything was going to be great after our first threesomes. My husband more than endured watching me take a lover without any inhibitions. He loved it. I fucked this guy with the same passion I had with my husband. I was responsive, I got off with him, and I was vocal and clear that I liked the way he screwed me. No holding back. My husband's first extra woman was with a gorgeous Miami attorney. She found us on AFF, wasn't bisexual, and wanted to get laid without attachments or expectations. I watched them for a while and just let them go at it privately. It didn't phase me. I was thinking that it was a great way for a woman to get laid without all the rituals and worse, screwing a married man without his wife knowing. After that I am sure we were both confident that there weren't any green monsters or resentments lurking. 

 

Beyond that, my only advice is too lose all the restrictions and rules. It's hard enough to find compatible couples and lovers without having a grocery list of do's and don'ts.

 

 

[Hoseman 26]

you are supper sexy 

[adamgunn 1,456]

Jlockey, some people will advise you to have few rules. This is also, imo, a pitfall. 

 

Your objective at this point should be to ease into this with the minimum of damage to your primary relationship. Let us suppose that one of you wants to use condoms, the other doesn't. Some would say it's easier to find non-condom people, so throw that rule out. But if you do that, one of you may feel that they are being pressured to play unsafely, and drama will ensue, or at least bad feelings. This goes for almost any rule.

 

And what rules should you follow? Here's a link to two blog postings I wrote. Discuss them amongst yourselves and then decide which ones apply to you, if any.

https://noveltrove.com/the-rules-of-swinging-part-1

And

https://noveltrove.com/the-rules-of-swinging-part-2

 

[jlockley37 0]

Thanks for the replies! This has been very informative. As a male, I have to say that I'm just not into using condoms. I'm not sure exactly how it is for women, but for guys it seems to remove a good deal of the sensitivity. You don't get to feel as much, and that dampens the pleasure. Kind of defeats the whole purpose, when you're trying to do something where you're after the maximum pleasure. My wife has always been on birth control so we've just never used condoms much.

 

We're both STD free, which brings up another question for me. I'd be willing to show recent STD testing papers, in the event that we went to a meet up of some kind with another couple. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest to do that, cause I view it as a valid concern and again, I dislike using condoms. Is this a common practice, the exchange of current STD reports? I think it would be pretty cool if it was. Something where you could look at the testing and the date it was done. Granted, if it was a couple of weeks old (or even a couple of days) that might negate the validity. But it would still go a long way towards instilling some trust.

 

How is this subject typically handled? And if many swingers don't use condoms as one member said, how is pregnancy usually avoided? My first guess is that the women are simply on some form of birth control.

[njbm 2,728]

I don’t think the exchange of STD reports is common. They are pretty useless except for one point in time for you to know how you are. The day after your test if you have a new sexual partner, your test is moot. We get a full panel STD check once a year. 
 

We have found that most swingers we encounter do use condoms or will use condoms if asked. People think of STDs as syphillis, gonorrhea and chlamydia, but HPV and HSV are more common. Condoms help prevent HPV and HSV, but they are far from perfect. Hope your wife has had the HPV vaccine, if not, look into it. 
 

There are some couples that would not play with us because we are 100% condom compliant. If you want to play bareback, there are many who will. We are hesitant to play with couples who play bareback with others even if they wear condoms for us. We think they are more likely to encounter STDs. We hear about “trusting” other people, but people often don’t know they have something themselves. Hate to be Debbie Downer, but assess your risk and decide what risks you are willing to take. 

[adamgunn 1,456]

NJPM gave very good advice. Mary and I are tested every six months, I in January in June, she in April and October. Assuming if one has it, we both do, then we get tested every three months. (In 18 years, no positive results. We always use condoms.)

[CBguy1983 1]

Im totally ok getting tested. No interview process will be perfect. Men are sexual animals. Some get feelings hurt very easily. my issue is mentality. im very open about my sex life to a degree. Women tend to be the most apprehensive, men tend to act like excited school boys. But thats the big difference. If a couple is new and he sees his wife getting fucked and hes not he gets very jealous. the ideas creep into his mind that she's gonna cheat with some of the guys and vice versa

[MrMrsswinger 184]

Answers below:

 

1. What are the major pitfalls for new, married swingers? And do you think it's worth the risk of falling into one of these pits?

The pitfalls come from having poor communication and one or both partners possessing a jealous streak. This lifestyle is NOT for everyone. It is a common fantasy to talk about but the reality is much different. ANY jealousy that exists in someone is amplified 100x over when they're in a swinging situation. Imagine the guy/woman who gets a small jealousy feeling when their other half talks about someone from work, is a little flirty at the Christmas party, etc...change the "talks about someone from work" to kissing another guy while he fondles her tits" or "moans loudly as another man penetrates her"...yeah, recipe for disaster. I've seen a handful of guys just start boiling when their sexy female half gets a ton of attention while he gets little. News flash to the guys...your female half will get significantly more attention than you will. Be ready for it, better be able to handle it.

 

Along the same lines are couples who set too many rules. Making a list a rules hints at possible jealousy. Mrs and I see red flags when talking with a potential play couple when they start bringing up a list of rules. Yes, setting some rules is fine, but when the list is long, it starts to appear as if one of the couple isn't fully in, and rules are set to control their hesitation.

 

Also, when people drink a little (usually turns into a lot because of nervousness) and they're with other couples who are more experienced, rules bend. Sometimes couples will try to separate those new to the lifestyle, making it easier to bend those rules. I've known a few couples who had specific rules about kissing, soft swap, same room only, etc and within 15 minutes every rules was broken. I actually tried to intervene and help the couple out because they jumped into the deep end so fast. 

 

2. Does AFF actually work? Or are there just too many fake accounts and accounts that are too old?

Can't speak about AFF but other sites (I won't specify) have been good for meeting quality people. Different sites have different pros and cons. You have to try a couple and see what works best for you.

[luv2was 115]

On 5/24/2020 at 11:05 PM, jlockley37 said:

Does AFF actually work? ....

Welcome!

 

AFF is a bit of a zoo IMHO.  Gave up on it years ago (and I'm a single male!).

 

As for education, I've found this BBS to be the best.

 

The Podcasts:

We Gotta Thing (WGT)

https://wegottathing.com/

&

Normalizing Non-Monogamy (NNM)

https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/

...  are great resources too.

 

I believe both those 'casts offer intro deals (discount codes) to a variety of good swinger date-type sites.

 

IMHO Kasidie is excellent.  SDC seems popular.  APG (AltPlayGround) seems to be gaining some traction too.  I've used SLS for a long time, but it seems to be less favorable these days (the site structure/technology being a bit dated seems to be the biggest complaint, and I tend to agree).

 

Be patient.

Keep an open mind.

 

bud