Looking for advice. Getting a divorce

[Alex77 26]

My wife and I were in the lifestyle together, due to us going in different paths that I could no longer follow, we are getting a divorce. I know she will be okay and I see her active sometimes on our lifestyle accounts. But what ends up happening to the men in the lifestyle that became single. We already got enough men out there that are pretators. I don’t want to seen as one. What happens to guys like me now?

[njbm 2,728]

You can be one of the nice single males. Or meet a new female partner. Get a new profile now that you are separated.

[Alura 2,766]

Put swinging on the back burner. You have plenty to deal with now, adjusting to being single again, mostly.

 

Would you like to be married again? If so, armed with what you learned in your marriage, start looking. I've always thought one who would like to be married to a woman who is stable, knows how to communicate, and would consider swinging would do well by joining a single's intro service and putting exactly what he wants (including swinging) in his profile. There might be fewer interested ladies, but you only need one.

 

I'd take my own advice, but I'm too worn-out to care.

 

Good luck!

[padoc 1,696]

You may have learned enough playing as part of a couple to become one of the single men who actually know how to behave among swingers. I think Alura's advice is good, the guy is usually right on point. If you decide to take NJBM's advice, I'd suggest you eliminate the pictures of your wife. She IS attractive but she is also NOT a part of the package you're going to promote. Its almost like "click bait" on swingers sites when a single male posts pics of a woman in his profile. I think its deceptive and dishonest.

[adamgunn 1,456]

As Alura pointed out, you'll be going through a lot of changes in the coming months and years. Your emotions will be all over the place. I sympathize with you. Whenever you feel good about yourself, it will be time to start dating again - and your lifestyle experience will mean very little in that world, even if the woman you are dating is lifestyle friendly.

 

On the other hand, you want sex! If you have some lifestyle contacts from people you've played with, contact them politely. Let hem know you're available if they are interested in MFMs. And you may get invited to house parties and such.

 

Best of luck.

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

It is exceptionally rare that I ever find myself in disagreement with Alura, but this time on just a single point; if you're out in the singles seen looking for a girlfriend who might some day be your wife, I would strongly advise against including the idea that you like to swing in your profile. The vast, vast majority of women will look very poorly on that, and you will be dramatically reducing your chances of finding a wonderful woman to be with. But, I'll combine that with something that Alura said that I'm slightly removing from context but I agree with; if you find a woman who is stable, knows how to communicate, isn't insecure, and has an open mind I'd say that after you've been together a year or two, introducing the idea of swinging would likely go well. This isn't a bait and switch; I'd personally be quite happy with a woman of all those qualities who was adamant in her opposition to swinging. Swinging is secondary to me; a spice, but not the main dish. She's the main dish. If I never enjoyed the pleasures of another woman in my entire life other than my wife, I'd die a happy man. If I enjoy the pleasures of many other women in my life while still being with my wife I'll be a happy man as well.

[Newandnaughty 3]

I agree with Alura 100% on this. I’m actually surprised your advice is to hide it and see what happens down the road. This is the complete opposite advice you gave on another thread about being upfront and honest. Fact is he will reduce the field of prospects, however, he also won’t be called a deviant as she walks out the door in 2 years either.

[Alura 2,766]

I'd say the bottom line is to establish communication. Laura and I did on our first date. In a four-hour period in which we talked about anything, including our sexual histories. During that phase she remarked, "I can't imagine living your life and only fucking one other person."

 

I agreed and suggested that people who swap mates must have trust in their relationship. She agreed. We went to her apartment and had sex on her living room floor. Then in her bed. We continued that for thirty years.

[bbarnsworth 2,536]

I agree with Alura 100% on this. I’m actually surprised your advice is to hide it and see what happens down the road. This is the complete opposite advice you gave on another thread about being upfront and honest. Fact is he will reduce the field of prospects, however, he also won’t be called a deviant as she walks out the door in 2 years either.

 

I'm sorry you see a contrast between the two positions. I don't. Perhaps I can clarify.

 

If you walk into a first date, and proclaim every negative thing about yourself in the interests of being "upfront", you likely will never have a second date. Swinging, to most people who have never been involved in it, would strike as a negative with very likely the vast majority of women. If I were in this person's shoes, I wouldn't bring up swinging on the first date (!). Non-monogamy is not a must have. It's an interest, and something I enjoy. If it never happens, it never happens. I would not feel my relationship with a woman is compromised in any way because she doesn't want to swing.

 

This is radically different than me being attracted to a person whom I presumed from every cue to be a genetic woman, only to find out she is a pre-op transwoman. If I'm looking for a genetic woman, and you're presenting yourself as a genetic woman only to find out when we get to the point of being in bed and you've already given me oral sex, that you are not, you have been deceptive in who you are. You can't contribute to the relationship in the same way, that is something that can't be "if it never happens, it never happens". I don't have a problem with someone being a pre-op transwoman. I do have a problem with them being deceptive about it to the point where we've already had sexual acts together before I find out.

 

I had the former come up with my now wife. Prior to being with her, I had been in a poly triad. I was romantically involved with a married woman, and was friends with her husband. He knew and approved of the relationship. Some time after that relationship, I met my wife. A few weeks, a month into the relationship I told my wife about this prior relationship in the poly triad. I wasn't going to not tell her prior to getting married. My wife didn't approve, and felt I was causing this other woman to cheat, spoiling her marriage, and contributing to the breaking of her vows. The subject of open marriage would occasionally come up in our relationship, both before we were married and after. it was never in the context of "maybe we should consider this" but rather in the context of "I can't believe you did that in the past". I feel as I do then; swinging isn't something I have to have. If she wasn't comfortable with it, it would never happen. I never asked her, never suggested, never intimated that I would like her to do so. We got into this because my wife voiced interest rather out of the blue, shocking the heck out of me.

 

I don't feel the way I handled this was in any way dishonest, and neither does my wife, who values truth and honesty very, very highly.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,019]

...What happens to guys like me now?

There is room for single men in the lifestyle. My wife and I know several. Single men do not generally have an easy path but if you persist and play your cards right, you can have fun.