Wife feels uncomfortable with couple dating

[itsmrcurious 24]

Fine people of SB

 

TL:DR - my wife seems to be somewhat turned on by the idea of swinging - definitely playing with others turns her on - but feels like the reality never lives up to the fantasy. Isn't sure if the experience is worth the effort, which is beginning to frustrate me a little

 

My wife and I have been dipping our toes into the world of swinging for a few years now. Because of where we live (China), our family situation (2 children - 12 and 8 years old) and our business situation (partners in a venture funded startup - super high pressure and always on the verge of collapse ), opportunities are few and far between. That's fine for both of us - we are both crazy busy with life, very happy within our relationship both emotionally and sexually - there just isn't much time for anything else.

 

I am driven to push a little harder than her of course - the idea of experimenting with other people is definitely a higher priority for me than her - but we both enjoy the fantasy and she definitely gets turned on by the talking and mostly enjoys the experiences we've had. I think that I'm super respectful of her boundaries and limitations, but this in turn means that I can't push forward as far and as fast as I'd like, and occasionally overstep. Our communication (I think) is good, and when she expresses that it's moving too fast, then I pull back, but all the same, it's also a bit frustrating for me.

 

We've just had our latest experience - was mostly a good connection, we went further than on our other adventures (the other couple came back to our hotel, the girls had a couple of passionate kisses and some light breast touching etc), but once again the next day, C didn't want to debrief or talk much about it afterwards. I think she feels it's all a bit seedy - once more she talks about how hard // awkward she finds it with strangers and how really she just wants to hang out with friends. She doesn't seem to realize that (if the other couple are open to it and they seem to be) that we could hang out again and perhaps become friends - I'm sure the second time would be easier and more comfortable - but again, she seems somewhat full of irritation when I try and discuss. Perhaps I need to leave it longer, but is this post-event downer usual? One of the main issues that she has is that it always seems to go the same way - 3 of the 4 are happy to progress things, but she generally isn't, so she is worried that she is letting everyone else down, and doesn't enjoy being the "handbrake".

 

I'll explain the experience if anyone is interested.

 

• we've been using redhotpie to arrange dates
• we've had 3 dates so far, the first was awful (I described it in another thread), the second was better, but still not great, and the third (just a few days ago) was the best yet

 

So this recent date - I wasn't really looking for anything, but we received a flirt from a couple on RHP. They were a lot younger than us (29 & 28 vs 46 & 43) and they were Russian, which made my wife a little uncomfortable (she had some preconceptions). In any case, they both looked really attractive (to both of us) and almost everything in the first stages of communication was good. They were fine with the age gap, were soft swap only, interested in girl-girl and were most concerned about the vibe between couples being right. Pretty good for us. We arranged a night away from the kids and booked a hotel in their city (about 2.5 hours from where we live door to door).

 

The night started to come closer, and while I got more excited, she seemed to get more nervous. We got to the hotel in plenty of time, and the nerves started to kick in for both of us. We met in a restaurant of their choosing - they were a very attractive couple - she was very vivacious and talkative with great English (she was an English teacher), him less confident verbally, but probably partly because his English ability wasn't quite so good (our Russian of course is non-existant so no judgement there!).

 

At our last experience, my wife had told me how I made her super uncomfortable being too forward too quickly. I thought (from our first experience) that she needed to understand what people wanted early, and given our inevitably short time together, started talking about what we wanted and asking what they wanted quite early on. So, in the spirit of learning, we didn't talk about anything sexual for the first 2 hours - just spent the time getting to know each other. The other wife seemed very keen on my wife and I thought they got on very well. I was happy to watch things go well, or so I thought.

 

After a couple of hours, my wife turned to me and said very pointedly "No", which was quite disappointing for me as I thought it was all going OK. I said fine, and we continued drinking and played some Perudo at the bar, which was fun. After another hour, I suggested that we broach with them that we were going back to our hotel to get high and see what their view of "molly" was. If they were interested in coming and getting involved, then it would be fun - we could sit and chat and see what happened. My wife was OK with this and so we asked the question. Seemed he had done LSD and weed, but not a lot. She had never tried anything. After a bit of explaining, they both said they were up for it, so we went back to our hotel and got stuck in.

 

The next 3 hours was really fun. We talked a lot (molly helps of course) and the girls got their beautiful breasts out and thanks to a game I'd downloaded to my phone, shared a couple of very sensual kisses and some top half fondling. The boys let them lead and towards the end of the first high, the other wife asked if we'd be interested in same room sex. I was keen and thought C (my wife) was too, so C and I decided to embark on part 2 of what is a pretty formulaic journey on big nights out for us. We took some G, but the others wanted to re-up on the same stuff as they had enjoyed it. Sadly, she felt a bit unwell on the second round, so eventually they went home. We chatted the next day on kik and they had really had a good time (perfect they said ) - they thought we were super nice and non-pushy and seem keen to meet again. My wife doesn't want to talk about it any more and seems to think that it's all a bit of a waste of time. So much effort for such underwhelming results, and again she feels like the stick-in-the-mud - not something she is used to.

 

Thanks to everyone that has read through this long tale. Any feedback welcomed

[Numex 2,178]

.. I think she feels it's all a bit seedy - once more she talks about how hard // awkward she finds it with strangers and how really she just wants to hang out with friends....

After reading your post, the above seemed to sum it up from your wife's perspective. I suggest you let your wife take the lead in arranging your play. Your swinging is likely go in a different direction, however, than casual arrangements. She will likely prefer having a lover, or two if she's bi, instead of merely sex partners. You may become part of that or need to find your fun separately. The important thing is to find arrangements that SHE likes. Put your wife first.

 

We started by me suggesting to my wife that she look up two exes who we talked about and she said she enjoyed. They (separately) had vanilla dates, she told them that I knew, they started having sex. That was the most comfortable way for my wife to start swinging (for me too, they were exes, she had fucked them before). Eventually we moved on to MFMs with them, then regular swinging, now just certain couples. But each step was what my wife wanted. Let your wife choose not only who is the most satisfying for her to have sex with, but you as well. She needs to be comfortable all around.

[itsmrcurious 24]

I suggest you let your wife take the lead in arranging your play.

 

Thanks Numex - do appreciate the advice. I think if I left it to my wife, nothing would ever happen. She's just not that driven to do anything at the moment, which is fine of course, but we both seem to enjoy (up to a point) fantasy, discussion and lead up.

 

Let's see where we end up :-)

[ViSexual 1,006]

itsmrcurious said:

Fine people of SB

 

TL:DR - my wife seems to be somewhat turned on by the idea of swinging - definitely playing with others turns her on - but feels like the reality never lives up to the fantasy. Isn't sure if the experience is worth the effort, which is beginning to frustrate me a little

I remember when I was writing some stories about swinging. I had created characters, a couple like us only more adventurous. My wife enjoyed reading those stories but she once said, "you make swinging sound so much sweeter than it really is". That's when I realized that she had difficulty dealing with her pleasure during..., after.

[adamgunn 1,457]

I also write swinger and hotwife stories, but my wife lost interest in reading them, or other erotica or porn. For her, it's more fun to actually do it!

[Numex 2,178]

itsmrcurious said:

I think if I left it to my wife, nothing would ever happen. She's just not that driven to do anything at the moment

 

The only other suggestion I is for you to do the work, but let her choose. Since she doesn't like "seedy," could something be set up with a guy she knows and likes, just to make her comfortable?

[GoldCoCouple 4,020]

If you don't make an effort, you already know the result. As Numex said, you do the work but let her make the choices (that's usually how it ends up with most couples anyway).

[couplers 4,156]

... you do the work but let her make the choices (that's usually how it ends up with most couples anyway).

May I add that it's just not couples. Each of us three women make the choices for our two men, and not just in our sex life. But that's what keeps everything running smoothly.

[itsmrcurious 24]

Thanks GoldcoastCo and Couplers - I did actually suggest that I would do the work and she could make the choices. Her response was that she actually wants me to remain dominant in our sexual relationship (I have been pretty good at this so far), and if it was all about her and her choices, she might respect me less

 

Looks like I might not be able to win this one............ back to vanilla life I go (for the moment!)

[Numex 2,178]

itsmrcurious said:

I did actually suggest that I would do the work and she could make the choices. Her response was that she actually wants me to remain dominant in our sexual relationship..

 

Looks like I might not be able to win this one............ back to vanilla life I go (for the moment!)

Same room, no swap, just watching and being watched. Dominate her.

[GoldCoCouple 4,020]

She can't have you being dominate AND always get her way. Let her know that she really needs to pick one and stick with it. If you ae to be in charge, then she needs to LET you be in charge. If she doesn't want to move forward, then she needs to say so. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

[itsmrcurious 24]

Thanks @numex and @goldco. Great advice as always.

 

I think same room sex is on the cards - it excites us both. Will try and get that organized for the next date. Thanks for all your support - still enjoying the journey :-)

 

While I have you guys, any less well known places to go for a swingers holiday than Hedo and Desire?

x

[itsmrcurious 24]

But I read this to C and she said that if those are her choices, then she will take charge and say no to all of it.

[GreZzlys 17]

For me, this would be a big turnoff. When we dated the first time another couple, I fell in love with my wife even more. She was so confident and seemed more attractive in my eyes. We don't swing too often as we're afraid that this will affect our relationship. How do you think, can dating other couples cool your relationship? I love her too much to lose it this way. But how you guys find other the third partner? Someone's using dating sites like 3Fun? We're there. But didn't found someone suitable for us. I don't even trust people from dating sites but my wife wanted it.