I'm having a hard time with swinging. I really don't want to.

[benawyl 35]

A little late in the game, but swinging sex is RECREATIONAL sex, with little or no emotional involvement. That's the way it is supposed to be, and almost all real swingers try very hard to keep it that way.

If you are on this site for any length of time, you will find all sorts of references to "non-threatening", "going at the pace of the slowest person", etc. If swinging was about emotion, then it would cease to exist, because everyone would be jealous, possessive, judgmental and anxious. Sound like fun to you? Swinging is about extramarital sex without anxiety or guilt. You have tons of both, so you shouldn't swing until you have dealt with these issues........or not.

 

My choices are do this or leave the relationship. I don't want to leave the relationship.

[Bob250 74]

By denying your feelings, to please your partner does not bode well for ANY relationship. It has been my experience that resentment is almost inevitable. But it's your game and I really hope it works out for you.

[cplnuswing 4,711]

Some things just aren't worth it. You are in a spot of having a choice between bad and worse. They are both going to suck, but one means as soon as you make it you can start the recovery and rebuilding process, and the other means you just keep going down the rabbit hole even deeper and dragging out the misery and resentment. Please don't talk yourself out of knowing inside that at some point, you WILL have to make that choice.

[benawyl 35]

Some things just aren't worth it. You are in a spot of having a choice between bad and worse. They are both going to suck, but one means as soon as you make it you can start the recovery and rebuilding process, and the other means you just keep going down the rabbit hole even deeper and dragging out the misery and resentment. Please don't talk yourself out of knowing inside that at some point, you WILL have to make that choice.

 

Well maybe I'll get used to it. Or maybe she'll get tired of it at some point.

 

I'd say my main feeling when she is trying to line something up with a guy is sadness.

 

I've had zero sex drive since yesterday and I don't know if I'll be in the mood when she comes home Weds.

 

She's been actively trying to set up a play date with a few guys for the last two days. One she was just gushing over.

 

I'm like fuck you've been out there three weeks haven't had anything mesh you're going to see me in three days and you're still scrambling for some vacation sex before you come home?

Really?

 

How would that make you guys feel? Makes me feel taken for granted.

 

I don't know if I'm going to want sex for a while.

[angelkin 1,326]

I'm sorry you're feeling upset. What has she said about the way this makes you feel?

[benawyl 35]

I'm sorry you're feeling upset. What has she said about the way this makes you feel?

 

Oh I'm not going to say anything about it. I'm just going to act like there's no issues.

 

I did ask her to stop giving out her phone number today. We kinda talked about that and she even mentioned what would happen if this girl I played with had my number how many calls and texts I'd get.

 

There's a three hour time difference between here and Cal. I can imagine we'll be getting calls constantly.

 

I told her three days ago that I won't be giving my number to women that they can reach me on SLS so it's not interfering with our time together. You'd think she'd follow my example.

[cplnuswing 4,711]

Well maybe I'll get used to it. Or maybe she'll get tired of it at some point.

 

I'd say my main feeling when she is trying to line something up with a guy is sadness.

 

I'm not trying to be a smartass here, but maybe she won't, meaning that's a distinct possibility too. All the evidence points toward that being the most likely even. It never hurts to hope for the best, but one should always plan for the worst.

 

Feeling miserable and sad is no way to live your life. You need to think about yourself and what this is doing to you, and what she is doing to you. Is that really what you want from a relationship? Is you being miserable with this whole idea but going along to get along really what she wants from a relationship? There are no winners in this, you or her. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for her - set her down, tell her you aren't interest in this, now or ever, and if that means you set each other free, then that's what is best for both of you.

[Lionheart72 2,186]

Oh I'm not going to say anything about it. I'm just going to act like there's no issues.

 

You have said several times that you are committed to giving this a fair shot. By not telling her how you feel and pretending there is no issue you are not giving this a fair shot. In fact, you are doing exactly the opposite. You are setting the entire situation up for failure, hurt recrimination and ultimately a very bad breakup.

 

The key to successful swinging is open, honest communication. You are not being open or honest.

 

If you are serious about giving this a fair shot, you have to say something to her about how you feel. If you don't, then you aren't serious about giving this a fair shot and you need to completely reevaluate your responses to the advice everyone here has repeatedly given you.

[benawyl 35]

You have said several times that you are committed to giving this a fair shot. By not telling her how you feel and pretending there is no issue you are not giving this a fair shot. In fact, you are doing exactly the opposite. You are setting the entire situation up for failure, hurt recrimination and ultimately a very bad breakup.

 

The key to successful swinging is open, honest communication. You are not being open or honest.

 

If you are serious about giving this a fair shot, you have to say something to her about how you feel. If you don't, then you aren't serious about giving this a fair shot and you need to completely reevaluate your responses to the advice everyone here has repeatedly given you.

 

Well for one thing I feel like she thinks I've talked too much about it or still do. In her mind she thinks this will be every man's fantasy and probably thinks I'm being ridiculous.

 

I'm not going too much into anything with her. Last thing I want to do is come off like some pussy. That's an instant attraction killer.

 

I laid out my concerns once and I told her flat out I'm going to give you this gift and trust you with it.

[Lionheart72 2,186]

Well for one thing I feel like she thinks I've talked too much about it or still do. In her mind she thinks this will be every man's fantasy and probably thinks I'm being ridiculous.

 

I'm not going too much into anything with her. Last thing I want to do is come off like some pussy. That's an instant attraction killer.

 

I laid out my concerns once and I told her flat out I'm going to give you this gift and trust you with it.

 

If I ever needed more proof that you are fundamentally not suited to swinging, you just gave it to me.

 

I'm sorry to so blunt, but the proverbial "clue-by-four" to the head is all I've got left at this point.

[kikonkrome 843]

It seems that same room only folks might think I have too many issues because I don't want to do same room. If she liked both of them I'd be more than willing to let her just have a threesome with them while I wait out by the pool. No alone play with his wife expected. That's a fair compromise right?

 

It seems that if I'm not into MFM I'm screwed right? Even tho she puts me in an MFM with her in fantasy talk I'm not sure if I could ever do it. Even with another guy and his wife.

 

I don't have any voyeuristic tendencies at all.

 

My perception of clubs is probably off. I would think that at an on-premise club that if a woman wanted to play with a guy she could just go do it and vice versa. But it seems that is not the case. That most people still want a four way match.

 

This is more common than I realized or imagined. We have a multiple date play partners where she goes in the other room with either a couple (us) or guy/s and he waits outside holding her bra. I like him a lot really nice guy, they've been together a long time and I always tell him how attractive I think his wife is. I have offered to have him watch, I have offered to have him join, but he's not into it, and I'm not pushing. If that's what makes their relationship work who am I to interfere.

 

I have had more than one occasion where it was 'couples play' but he doesn't finish, just hangs out, barely watches. I don't really ask. It was more common than you think.

 

I am not really sure what excites you about your GF, but if I was in your position I would move on. If this is upsetting you this deeply, it's probably not going to work out. Find somebody more compatible before you're in deeper. Maybe you'll come back to this in the future and maybe you won't. I really don't recommend being in a relationship where either party is hurt, life is too short.

[benawyl 35]

If I ever needed more proof that you are fundamentally not suited to swinging, you just gave it to me.

 

I'm sorry to so blunt, but the proverbial "clue-by-four" to the head is all I've got left at this point.

 

I come here to vent so I don't puke all over her.

 

I'm feeling better now. We had a little chat and I told her how one of my exes caused some drama for a friend of mine with this girl he just started seeing. And that I had to explain to her that she's been texting and calling me for 3.5 years after we broke up. And sure enough four months after I tell her to loose my number she checks in. Wants to know if I'm seeing anybody.

 

This prompted my gf to talk about a stalker. How she tried to just handle it herself and didn't want to get her late husband involved cause there would be a fight. I said well that'd be the correct response.

 

I said look I know you are a strong smart independent woman but you're MY woman. We might play around but you're mine and I won't tolerate guys getting out of line or not knowing their place in the hierarchy.

 

She giggled a bit. I felt better.

 

I think this incident with one of my exes might have driven home the phone number deal. We'll see.

 

I told her my last two exes contacted me today. Mafia Princess and The Stripper. They both broke no contact.

 

Anyway thanks for letting me think out loud here. I appreciate it.

[couplers 4,143]

...

My whole life experience with non monogamy has been with don't ask don't tell open relationships. That's how we started. We were just playmates once or twice a week for an hour but it evolved to us living together. It's not so hard if I have no knowledge.

She on the other hand wants to hear about women I sleep with...

 

Apparently you fell in love with her despite her desire for and practice of non-monogamy. So at the core you love her as she is. Why not have a non-monogamous relationship where you tell and she doesn't? Or you don't play with other women at all, if you prefer?

[benawyl 35]

Apparently you fell in love with her despite her desire for and practice of non-monogamy. So at the core you love her as she is. Why not have a non-monogamous relationship where you tell and she doesn't? Or you don't play with other women at all, if you prefer?

 

Why? Cause it would eat me up. I'd always be wondering is she out having sex while I'm at work? She's not home yet is she fucking somebody? It's easier to deal with if I know. I'd prefer just regular full swap and FMF and all the FF she wants. I want to limit the MF.

 

No way am I not having sex with women if she's banging other guys. That's just bullshit.

[couplers 4,143]

Why? Cause it would eat me up. I'd always be wondering is she out having sex while I'm at work? She's not home yet is she fucking somebody? It's easier to deal with if I know.

 

Hubby and I sometimes wonder the other is doing, and indeed, sometimes the situation is that one of us is having sex with someone else while the other is at work. But it doesn't eat us up, it's just a normal part of life.

 

... I'd prefer just regular full swap and FMF and all the FF she wants. I want to limit the MF.

 

No way am I not having sex with women if she's banging other guys. That's just bullshit.

 

Sounds reasonable to me; just need to schedule your play sessions together like lots of couples here do. Compared to lots of people here on the Swingers Board (mostly me) that are trying to get their spouses to try swinging, you're lucky with the woman you got. Work it so everybody is happy.

[76dragonflies 21]

First, if you are uncomfortable and don't want to do this....DON'T! Being true to yourself is so important. Trust, understanding and maturity are vital in this lifestyle! If she is giving you ultimatums, it may be time to find someone else because she clearly doesn't respect your thoughts and feelings on the subject. Best of luck to you..

[Guest FunintheSnow]

I'm sorry if this sounds unsympathetic and harsh, because I'm sure we've all been in relationships where we put up with stuff or did stuff we really disliked because we didn't want to lose the other person. But spare a thought, if you can, for the rest of us in the lifestyle, your potential play partners. You are a couple where one half actively dislikes swinging. Your communication is shoddy. Your gf essentially misrepresents you to other couples by bragging about your "performance" in the LS without mentioning your many issues.

 

You know how so many profiles say the couple isn't looking for drama? You two are drama personified. I'm sure I'm not alone in hoping none of us on here runs into you two, because the way you're violating swinger principles does not just affect the two of you.

[EastInWest 1,508]

Why? Cause it would eat me up. I'd always be wondering is she out having sex while I'm at work? She's not home yet is she fucking somebody? It's easier to deal with if I know. I'd prefer just regular full swap and FMF and all the FF she wants. I want to limit the MF.

 

No way am I not having sex with women if she's banging other guys. That's just bullshit.

 

While I would find it to be "bullshit", too, you're putting yourself in a difficult position. If you're going to get upset because you feel like you're keeping score and she's in the lead, I don't see how you plan to reconcile a situation where she has wild enthusiasm for sex with multiple partners and you have none. She's going to be having a blast fulfilling her fantasies while you're feeling, in your own words, "less valued, inadequate, and guilty" as you reluctantly penetrate some unlucky lady you actually want nothing to do with, presumably so you can tell yourself that this isn't "bullshit".

 

I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life, but you sound really unhappy about something that she was already committed to when she met to and believed you would fall in line about. You don't want to "come off like some pussy", but you're going to turn a blind eye to her unwanted play while she pressures you to engage in play that you also don't want? I get the impression that the two of you have fundamentally different outlooks on sex and need to think this all the way through instead of just tolerating each other's feelings.

[benawyl 35]

I'm sorry if this sounds unsympathetic and harsh, because I'm sure we've all been in relationships where we put up with stuff or did stuff we really disliked because we didn't want to lose the other person. But spare a thought, if you can, for the rest of us in the lifestyle, your potential play partners. You are a couple where one half actively dislikes swinging. Your communication is shoddy. Your gf essentially misrepresents you to other couples by bragging about your "performance" in the LS without mentioning your many issues.

 

You know how so many profiles say the couple isn't looking for drama? You two are drama personified. I'm sure I'm not alone in hoping none of us on here runs into you two, because the way you're violating swinger principles does not just affect the two of you.

 

I really don't know why you all think there was drama. I don't show any drama or have any types of discussions in front of others.

 

All my play partners have a great time with me.

 

I have tho since this thread started ended the relationship with this woman. She moved cross country I'm on the East Coast. I'm just not leaving my children for somebody. I helped her move and talk to her.

 

She semi regrets leaving. She misses me and she really misses fucking me. But that was her choice and she has to live with it.

 

So low and behold I meet another woman on a regular dating site. Hit it off great she wants sex three times a day with me we have even more in common than my last partner plus she's my age and not 13.5 yrs older than me.

 

So the other day she drops the bomb on me saying hey we can get an extra girl. I'm bi.

We talk further and I tell her about some of the things that's happened and good god she wants me to take her to clubs and parties.

 

So I got a hold of a guy I know by reputation to make her MFM fantasy come true. Turns out his wife wants to do a full swap.

 

So we'll see. I told her why don't we do the MFM and FMF first. See how it goes and then we can talk about couples. But we are getting inundated with emails already. Some from couples half our age so who knows.

 

I told her I'm cool with it as long as it is an every now and then thing. I don't think it should be the focus of nor the fuel for our sex life together.

[Sjmar 141]

Wait I'm confused- in 3 1/2 weeks you have ended the relationship with this other woman, started a new relationship with someone else, and introduced her to the idea of the ls (that was such a huge source of conflict in your last relationship???)? Wow, have you ever considered taking just a little bit of time to breathe between women, maybe find out a little about yourself and what you really want? Jumping from one relationship to another with zero recovery or break time rarely ends well, and I'm totally stumped why you would introduce her to the ls that you don't enjoy.....Best of luck :-/

[benawyl 35]

While I would find it to be "bullshit", too, you're putting yourself in a difficult position. If you're going to get upset because you feel like you're keeping score and she's in the lead, I don't see how you plan to reconcile a situation where she has wild enthusiasm for sex with multiple partners and you have none. She's going to be having a blast fulfilling her fantasies while you're feeling, in your own words, "less valued, inadequate, and guilty" as you reluctantly penetrate some unlucky lady you actually want nothing to do with, presumably so you can tell yourself that this isn't "bullshit".

 

I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life, but you sound really unhappy about something that she was already committed to when she met to and believed you would fall in line about. You don't want to "come off like some pussy", but you're going to turn a blind eye to her unwanted play while she pressures you to engage in play that you also don't want? I get the impression that the two of you have fundamentally different outlooks on sex and need to think this all the way through instead of just tolerating each other's feelings.

 

Here's the deal and it's going to sound terribly arrogant. I don't have a huge need for this because I've fucked so many really hot women around the world that the chance to swing and fuck really hot women just isn't that big of a deal to me. I could see how it would be different for a guy with a low partner count who maybe got married young. It could be a chance to see what he may have missed.

 

So there has to be a reason for me to play. There has to be something irresistible about the women where I say I need to try that.

 

My current GF is really hot. All my GF are really hot so I have really high standards.

[benawyl 35]

I haven't reluctantly put my penis in any play partner while swinging.

 

If I fuck them I wanted to and I give them an incredible experience.

[Sjmar 141]

Omg I just noticed this post was started last year lol- my bad. It's been a year and 3 1/2 weeks haha, my bad!

[benawyl 35]

Wait I'm confused- in 3 1/2 weeks you have ended the relationship with this other woman, started a new relationship with someone else, and introduced her to the idea of the ls (that was such a huge source of conflict in your last relationship???)? Wow, have you ever considered taking just a little bit of time to breathe between women, maybe find out a little about yourself and what you really want? Jumping from one relationship to another with zero recovery or break time rarely ends well, and I'm totally stumped why you would introduce her to the ls that you don't enjoy.....Best of luck :-/

 

I didn't introduce her to anything. It was her idea. Swinging was never a huge source of contention in my last relationship.

 

It just wasn't some huge thrill for me. It was something I could take or leave.

 

I had no intention of doing this with my current partner but she has some fantasies so I'm going to help her make them come true.

 

There's a lot of difference between the two women. I think this might be a better experience.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

It doesn't sound arrogant--it just sounds ignorant. If you think most swinger guys do it because they haven't had enough women, or haven't had hot enough women, or that their partners aren't hot enough... you don't get swinging at all. It's about sharing adventures with your partner and enjoying their pleasure--and them doing the same with you. And it's about meeting really cool, open-minded people--some conventionally hot, some not.

 

Well, have fun with the new woman. You've helped me and my husband create a new rule about who we'll play with. The couples need to have been together for years.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

I didn't realize that either! Zombie thread!

[Sjmar 141]

It doesn't sound arrogant--it just sounds ignorant. If you think most swinger guys do it because they haven't had enough women, or haven't had hot enough women, or that their partners aren't hot enough... you don't get swinging at all. It's about sharing adventures with your partner and enjoying their pleasure--and them doing the same with you. And it's about meeting really cool, open-minded people--some conventionally hot, some not.

 

Well, have fun with the new woman. You've helped me and my husband create a new rule about who we'll play with. The couples need to have been together for years.

 

All of this!!!

[benawyl 35]

It doesn't sound arrogant--it just sounds ignorant. If you think most swinger guys do it because they haven't had enough women, or haven't had hot enough women, or that their partners aren't hot enough... you don't get swinging at all. It's about sharing adventures with your partner and enjoying their pleasure--and them doing the same with you. And it's about meeting really cool, open-minded people--some conventionally hot, some not.

 

Well, have fun with the new woman. You've helped me and my husband create a new rule about who we'll play with. The couples need to have been together for years.

 

I know several people male and female who have told me personally they married young and never got to experience a variety of partners or that they had been married a long time and now divorced or widowed they want to see what they might have missed.

 

You are right about one thing I don't get any satisfaction from my partner's pleasure with others.

 

I want to give them their fantasies.

 

And I would never in a million years say or think that any male or female in the lifestyle is doing it because they aren't happy with their partner. That would be terrible.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

And I would never in a million years say or think that any male or female in the lifestyle is doing it because they aren't happy with their partner. That would be terrible.

 

Okay, sorry, misunderstood you there. Your emphasis on the fact that you'd fucked so many *hot* women confused me. I'm never going to find anyone hotter to me than Mr. Fun, so scoring with many hot guys is not at all what the LS is about for me (or for any of the swingers I have met, but I imagine we gravitate toward different types of people, so we've seen different facets of the LS).

[benawyl 35]

Okay, sorry, misunderstood you there. Your emphasis on the fact that you'd fucked so many *hot* women confused me. I'm never going to find anyone hotter to me than Mr. Fun, so scoring with many hot guys is not at all what the LS is about for me (or for any of the swingers I have met, but I imagine we gravitate toward different types of people, so we've seen different facets of the LS).

 

The point I was trying to make is that I'm not chomping at the bit to go play with new women like some of my male friends in the lifestyle. I don't have a burning drive to seek out play partners outside of maybe one FMF.

 

If we are at an event and meet a couple and I'm feeling it sure I'll play. But I have just as much fun just going with my partner and lifestyle friends I don't play with and dancing and having fun.

 

The other thing is group and public play is just not my preferred style. I prefer one on one separate room play when possible. That's the most enjoyable for me.

 

I'm not bi. I'm not a voyeur so same room ads nothing for me personally. Now I do that in order to indulge others. I just sometimes find that more stressful than sexy. And I especially find performing in front of a large crowd where they are close enough that I can hear their comments like sports commentators to be difficult to focus and perform.

 

So my current attitude is yes let's go play once in a while. Once a month or every 60-90 days or so. I don't really want regulars maybe 3 to 6 times a year max with the same couple. So a variety of couples probably would work.

 

So I'd say I'd like this to be more of a hobby than a lifestyle. I've met a lot of cool people that I don't play with but enjoy seeing at events or clubs a few times a year and I've made good friends from an event where we get together or talk on a monthly basis.