Major question about women and the Lifestyle

[SwingAcademic 22]

Let me see if I've got this right. Some of this is based on what I've been told here, some is based on my own personal observations and experiences:

 

 

Once a woman gets married and finally actually has a lot of sex (as opposed to the ‘a little here-and-there’ sex that happens while only dating) does she then truly realize that sex makes her feel better, and wants more of it, and/or wants it with different partners.

 

Once married, a woman now has a very trustworthy “wingman” to help her along with finding the other partners she wants, while feeling protected instead of vulnerable.

 

ANY fun activity that people do together can enhance the relationship between the parties, whether sexual or not. They’ve figured out that “sleeping around” can be done together with their pair-bond, and can be used to enhance the relationship.

 

Some people don’t like to go to ANY event by themselves. It is for this reason that concert and sports tickets are usually sold in pairs.

 

Due to the fact that in the vanilla world, it’s considered “taboo” and “wrong” for women to be fully sexual, lest they be called “sluts” (or something similar), they end up sleeping with the males who give them the most lies as to why she should sleep with him. Thus, they end up dating “assholes” and “douchebags”. This ends once they are in a Lifestyle environment where people don’t disrespect her for being fully sexual.

 

They are actually older and more mature, which allays their fears about sex.

 

They no longer have a group of peers (read: immature teenage or early-to-mid-20s girls) that they think they have to impress or “be cool” in front of (which can cause a woman to date an asshole, because the asshole has deceived her friends into believing he’s “cool” as well.)

 

They no longer have parents and preachers watching over them and/or filling them with fear.

 

They have grown out of believing whatever TV and other media say about how their sexuality “should” be.

 

 

 

But as you can see, not all of these things are the result of being married. In fact, only the first two to four items in the above in the list really have anything to do with marriage, and even these are not truly “required". A woman could find a trusted male friend to escort her to swing clubs and parties without marrying him. She could just say to hell with everybody else, become a “unicorn” on her own and just go have the sex she wants. And she could work up the gumption on her own to enjoy swingers’ events by herself (It’s not like she wouldn’t have anything to do while there.)

 

It appears to me that, because women don’t realize these things until they are in the age group where they would normally be married, that swinging “became” a married people thing. People just so happened to be married by the time they got their heads turned around, and realized that the sorts of things swingers do together are actually how human sexuality IS. The married part appears to be more the result of chance, rather than necessity.

 

Am I correct or not?

[sunbuckus 3,565]

People just so happened to be married by the time they got their heads turned around, and realized that the sorts of things swingers do together are actually how human sexuality IS. The married part appears to be more the result of chance, rather than necessity.

 

Speaking for myself, I would say this is correct. If I didn't move out of my parents' house and remained under their roof, I'd probably still be a virgin...well, I would have to go back further and say never have a boyfriend, as well. Sometimes I forget how I met Mr. Sun but I did take a major part in our getting together. So, let's just say that if a lot of things were different when I was a teenager, there might be a good chance I'd still be living with my parents, never having a boyfriend, never moving out, and never getting married. But my curiosity about sex, my fantasies, and my sex drive started when I was little. It was heavily hinted by my mother though that masturbation was wrong, oral and anal sex were wrong, sex outside of marriage was wrong, and by extension, any sex not with your spouse was wrong. I wasn't taught that sex could be for fun. Sex was something mysterious. It was dirty yet sacred and only to be done within the confines of marriage.

 

Even though I felt shameful whenever I did it, I couldn't stop myself from masturbating. Sure, I would go through periods of restraining myself for religion's sake but it never lasted. Oral and anal sex? Those went out the window after meeting Mr. Sun. Sex outside of marriage? Well...that happened before marrying Mr. Sun as well as after marrying him but before swinging. It was one of life's experiences that made me really contemplate if it was natural for human beings to be monogamous.

 

To me, everyone is in their own little box. Some like their box and won't outgrow it but that also means that they shut themselves off from learning about the world that is outside of their box. Others peek outside their box and want to explore that world. They venture out and are now in a bigger box. The cycle may continue or they might stay in their new box. It all depends on what each person wants in life, what they are comfortable with, and if they are willing to experience both the pains and rewards that life has to offer in order to grow and expand.

 

It one were to look at my life as it's been so far, they wouldn't say marriage is what brought upon the "sexuality epiphany" but life itself. Growing up, experiencing life, learning from those experiences...that's how we change into the people we are today and how we'll change into the people we will be.

[JAPrufrock 588]

Due to the fact that in the vanilla world, it’s considered “taboo” and “wrong” for women to be fully sexual, lest they be called “sluts” (or something similar), they end up sleeping with the males who give them the most lies as to why she should sleep with him. Thus, they end up dating “assholes” and “douchebags”. This ends once they are in a Lifestyle environment where people don’t disrespect her for being fully sexual.

 

 

I agree with a lot of your summations here, however, I'm not really getting the above paragraph.

 

Maybe it's because I never dated a douchebag. The number one reason Mr. Prufrock got me in bed? He didn't pressure me. I may have been horny as fuck, but I also have self-worth, and any asshole who lied and pressured me to get into bed when I wasn't ready, got dropped faster then a hot rock. I went on a date with a "douchebag", quickly realized that all he wanted was sex and that wasn't what I wanted, so we didn't go out again.

 

You seem fixed on this whole "women date douchebags" theory. Like, a woman who enjoys sex has to have gone through a period of dating assholes. I love sex. I loved the idea of sex before I had it. Mr. Prufrock had just the right amount of "I want to bone you, but I respect you and will go at the pace you decide." It took us a month, and that was really only because I had to get over the religious hangups of pre-marital sex. I desperately wanted to fuck him early on. Just because I wanted sex doesn't mean I was willing to put up with someone who treated me like dirt.

 

Just my two cents. Most of my friends haven't dated jerks either. The ones that have generally had some self-esteem issues. Men who only want sex are pretty easy to pick out-- at least they were for me.

[SwingAcademic 22]

Oops.....I forgot to put the word "sometimes" in there. Obviously not all women date douchebags when they are younger, but it does happen more than it should.

[longun45 115]

Ok I know this is late to the party but here it goes.

 

When women are single, many times they do some or all of the following things:

 

1) Dating and sleeping with jerks who are disrespectful to them, or aren't concerned with her pleasure.

This stems from a bad self image, they are having that self image re enforced - this they are comfortable with and seek it out. Being nice to them sets off all kinds of red flags. When these individuals and I include men here as well as they are victims of the same thing to a lesser extent. Is it insane - not really it's people being who they are and they will not change until they have an epiphany. They will outright reject all offers of help.

 

2) Being disrespectful themselves to actual gentlemen (making scenes, biting mens' heads off for talking to them, making phony complaints to bartenders about them, etc.)

See Above

 

3) Acting like sex is something bad or dirty.

For many the Never married they are struggling with new boundaries or boundaries that have to move. They do not want to be considered a slut or easy and they are looking for a personal connection. Their view is that Society has determined that sex outside of marriage is not good as there are all kinds of things that can happen, Pregnancy, STDs and physical assaults.

 

4) Thinking they have to have sex only with their boyfriend.

Lets go back to the connection. Most women want a bond for many reasons ( the same holds true for men), love, intimacy, a sense of belonging, completeness. The reasons can go on for a long time.

 

 

5) Thinking that an orgy is the most disgusting thing in the world.

Here again random sex in singles is not necessarily a good thing to many people. Then see #4

 

6) Being dishonest about what they want sexually.

Here many people do not know what they want or how to get what they want. Asking is really making them take a risk they are not prepared to do. WHy? Many people fear rejection. My exwife asked for sex 4 weeks after the birth of our second child, but she said it with fear in her voice like I would reject her request. I did not reject it but I was carefull.

 

7) Forcing men to take them on at least six dates, or buy them a bunch of stuff, before they will have sex with them.

This is a woman looking for security and dedication. If you are not a good provider, what kind of father will you be? These women are hunting with a big list of requirements. Don't step up if you cannot keep up with this one.

 

 

8) Thinking every man they don't know at a vanilla bar, or even in public, is "creepy", without even talking to them first.

Here we go back to societal ideals and what she finds attractive, purely subjective and it is her and your prerogative. If you don't fit that mold, don't step up. She/He will cut you down.

 

9) Saying, "I really need to get to know you first." before having sex with a man, and then that time period drags on for weeks or months.

Heck I am pretty much the same way, if I am going to fuck you I want to know that I wont't feel sorry afterwards, I have to at least like the person. You can get an orgasm from you hand just as easily and I like my hand.

 

10) Having sex for every reason except pleasure or love (such as being able to brag to their friends about the guy they had sex with.)

OH please, that is such crap, both sexes do that so get over it. Besides that IS the girl you are looking for. You are on a swingers board,

 

I will also tell you that there is a vast difference between never married singles and divorced singles.

Frame of reference here - When I was single I belonged to a place called parents without partners. They had dances on saturday nights for socializing and getting to know people. Yes they were a bit cliquish but that soon faded, but you had to participate, asking people to dance and getting to know people. If you didn't go with the purpose of having fun you missed the boat so to speak. If you just went for sex you would be disappointed as that is not what they wanted. Yes, it was a meat market but many window shopped before taking a bite. Many of the women were in the process of finding themselves and were experimenting and pushing their new boundaries. But show you can have fun out of the bedroom and you had even more fun in the bedroom. That is the way it works as I have seen it. They will use a person until they got what they could from them and then move on, this is actually normal behavior. When both find a good fit then they couple up, might end in marriage or not depending on the situation. You might have the proverbial one night stand and have great fun, but it will not be repeated for many reasons.

 

In this frame of reference is the fact that I while single had been with many different types of women, basically all body types and a lot of different personalities. All of us carry emotional baggage of some type. Some of us have discarded it, many cling to it. Do not fault them as they each have their own reasons.

 

I have also learned to not over analyze things, people or to go someplace seeking sex ( unless it's a brothel). If you go to have fun and leave the sex as a possibility, you will have more fun and you will be more fun to be around. I call the ricochet effect and it is really under appreciated. Rarely do thing happen in a straight line. If you can accept that things do not happen like you would expect, and remain open to possibilities you will be surprised at what can happen.

 

And of course your mileage may vary.

[cautiouscurious 16]

I have to add to what longun45 said.

 

OP, you have to realize that in some societies the socialization is even more severe than 'sex outside marriage is bad'. If I were to get married again, within my culture and community (I'm Indian by birth), I believe the correct way to behave would be to dutifully accept my husband's advances, and do no more than that. No enthusiasm, no flirting, no seduction, no self-expression. I'd be too scared to go further, for fear that he'd turn the tables on me whenever it was convenient by slut-shaming me, at worst, by outing me to his or my family. It's irrational, but hey, fear does that to you.

 

Also, please consider that talking yields valuable information! You can find out a lot of what people may be concealing in conversation, like whether they are pro- or anti-condom usage despite repeated STDs (true story). You can't get this from meeting someone once; the more comfortable individuals get with each other, the more incriminating are the details they divulge (intentionally or otherwise) .

[econobiker 164]

"It appears to me that, because women don’t realize these things until they are in the*age group where they would normally be married, that's swinging “became” a married people thing."

 

Fairly accurate as per "official swingers" based on current demographics of swinging websites. I think millenial women are going to eventually break down the "slut shaming" issues more and embrace their sexuality. It's already been seen in young women's consumption of online pornography (I'm not judging this as good or bad just stating it) and attitudes about pornography. In fact there was a case in Canada recently of a young woman with two young men caught on video having sex outside that went viral. The woman actually fessed up that is was her and set up a website about positive sexuality for women. (Google Calgary stampede threesome cowboys cowgirl etc)

 

And in my wife Red's case, her fierce independence, combined with ( due to no fault of hers) failed engagements, that maintained her single woman status through to the age in which she found out about and became an "official swinger".

[benawyl 35]

You are just way off base with a lot of things.

 

Women sleep with men they are attracted to period.

 

The women in the lifestyle are outliers compared to women as a whole.

 

Creeps are guys they aren't attracted to. Also you'll find there aren't that many good looking men in the lifestyle.

Usually most of the women are way better looking than their husbands. So perhaps within the lifestyle the women are settling a bit with play partners.

[funcoupledayton 2,707]

You are just way off base with a lot of things.

 

Women sleep with men they are attracted to period.

 

The women in the lifestyle are outliers compared to women as a whole.

 

Creeps are guys they aren't attracted to. Also you'll find there aren't that many good looking men in the lifestyle.

Usually most of the women are way better looking than their husbands. So perhaps within the lifestyle the women are settling a bit with play partners.

 

I've met many very attractive men in the lifestyle. I think it is kind of a cross section of society. If you go out to a restaurant you see all types of people, same with going to a swing club.

[benawyl 35]

I've met many very attractive men in the lifestyle. I think it is kind of a cross section of society. If you go out to a restaurant you see all types of people, same with going to a swing club.

 

I don't know there is usually only one or at most three 8+/10 guys whenever we've gone.

[enhancer 1,542]

One of the biggest problems with so many single guys in the lifestyle is they think they can put all women into one category of what they are or why they do what they do! Every woman just like every man is an individual person and can not be painted with the same brush. Instead of approaching them by their gender and preconceived ideas of how that gender is try approaching them as the individual person they are and accepting them for that. Doing that might take you closer to getting the chance to experience first hand what they are all about and what they have to offer.