Looking for advice about the wife playing with other men

[au022 15]

Hi!

 

We are Allen and Christy. We are a mid-40's couple, married 14 years, and have two great kids. We are curious about swinging, and looking for advice from others who are experienced.

 

Our desires are a little different in that what turns us on is Christy playing with other guys. It is something we have fantasized about and talked about for years. We enjoy watching erotica that features a wife with another man, or men. We feel we are ready to take it the next level by learning more about it from couples who enjoy this. In other words, we are seriously considering turning this into a reality, but we want to make an informed decision.

 

Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

Allen and Christy

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

As I said in your intro thread (I didn't see this post), what you're looking for is sometimes called Hot Wife (but without the cuckolding, I'm guessing) and as there are a large number of single men in clubs that allow them, as well as a bunch who frequent hook up sites like SLS, there are a lot of potential playmates out there. It's not particularly uncommon, actually.

 

How far along are you in your exploration and information gathering?

[au022 15]

As I said above, we have just decided to begin investigating this more with the goal of turning it into a reality after we feel we have enough info to make a good decision.

 

We have watched alot of porn with this theme. I am encouraged at how much Christy enjoys it, I think that is a good sign. She especially likes the ones with younger guys, and said that would be her preference if this ever happens for us.

[Lionheart72 2,186]

Greetings and welcome. As mauijanedoe said, what you're looking for isn't all that uncommon. I enjoy watching my wife with other guys, and we've have a lot of fun with that over the past few years.

 

As far as advice, I'll start with basics. Very early in our swinging experience, a wise man gave me some very good advice. He said: "If I can watch my wife suck another man's cock, I can talk to her about anything." That is the real secret to success. Forget about finding guys, or finding a sitter, or any of that. Can you talk to your wife about anything? Can you have an open, honest and trusting conversation about any topic... politics, money, dinner, the kids, family, sex, anything. Everything.

 

A lot of people come here saying things like "I think my wife wants X" or "My husband says X but does he really mean Y." Those people aren't communicating with their partners as well as they should. Don't think that you wife wants X, talk to her and find out if she wants X. Don't guess about what your partner "really means," listen to what they say and take them at their word. If you're in a place where you have that kind of communication and that kind of trust then you're in a place where you are ready to start swinging. If you're not then you need to get there (which isn't that hard).

 

Once you're there, the next step is to do some research into what this whole swinging thing really means. My wife and I looked at a lot of websites which had FAQs about swinging. That gave us a good grounding and a place from which to ask informed questions.

 

After that, you need to figure out what you want. What are your ground rules? What are your limits (what you will and won't do)? Do you want to go to swingers club and if so is there one in your area that you feel comfortable with? Do you want to hook up with people online and what is the best way to make that work?

 

Swinging can be a lot of fun, if you do it right. Enjoy and ask questions.

[JustAskJulie 2,588]

Lionheart hit the nail on the head with his advice. Finding single guys is fairly easy... finding good ones a little harder. However, making sure your relationship is strong and the communication is 100% that's the hardest thing, especially when you get into playing separately. It can sometimes become easy to come home and not feel like going over everything that happened, and think we'll do it tomorrow... then tomorrow comes and more distractions. Always make sure you take time to reconnect (mentally, emotionally & physically).

[au022 15]

Thanks so much lionheart, Julie, and others for you great advice. As far as communication, we are able to have open, honest talks about anything. Really. The result of these talks is us being on here. We have talked about what she wants - sex with fit, younger men. She has told me verbatim that she wants that. And I have told her that I want that too, that I want to watch her response and reaction with other guys. We have talked in depth about it all.

 

We have discussed about the sex itself, what is allowed. Not alot yet, but some initial conversation. And now we are here.

 

One thing we are discussing right now is safety. Christy has a severe allergy to latex. She has told me her preference would be to find someone we trust, who is clean, so she can go bare. With that said, we both realize that may take some time to get to that point. But that is where we want to get to. Any suggestions what we can do in the interim? Or should we just stick to our preference and understand that it will limit our opportunities and potential prospects? Just wonder what other couples have done if faced with this issue ( latex allergy).

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

One thing we are discussing right now is safety. Christy has a severe allergy to latex. She has told me her preference would be to find someone we trust, who is clean, so she can go bare. With that said, we both realize that may take some time to get to that point. But that is where we want to get to. Any suggestions what we can do in the interim? Or should we just stick to our preference and understand that it will limit our opportunities and potential prospects? Just wonder what other couples have done if faced with this issue ( latex allergy).

 

I'm not severely allergic, but I do get a reaction, even second hand (as in, even after the condom comes off, some scrubbing would need to happen). So Mr. Doe uses Skyns and Trojan Supra, which he says work really well and are non-latex. Durex Avanti is fine for toys, but guys don't seem to like the fit.

[au022 15]

Thanks for advice. Christy unfortunately has a very bad reaction. Earlier this year, she had to go to a dental specialist. They mistakenly used latex gloves during the procedure and it was awful for her afterward. I am not sure how she would react with non-latex condoms, I guess we could try and see. That is a possibility. We need to talk more, but for me, I think I am going to recommend we stick with our preference to find someone we can get to know first, express our desires, verify he is clean, and then go from there. I don't want her worrying during the sex if she will have a reaction later. I want her to enjoy it to the max. I hope I am making sense to you all.

[windsor4fun2 128]

My wife also has a latex allergy. She has never had an adverse reaction to any of the non-latex condoms we have tried over the years.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Thanks for advice. Christy unfortunately has a very bad reaction. Earlier this year, she had to go to a dental specialist. They mistakenly used latex gloves during the procedure and it was awful for her afterward. I am not sure how she would react with non-latex condoms, I guess we could try and see. That is a possibility. We need to talk more, but for me, I think I am going to recommend we stick with our preference to find someone we can get to know first, express our desires, verify he is clean, and then go from there. I don't want her worrying during the sex if she will have a reaction later. I want her to enjoy it to the max. I hope I am making sense to you all.

 

Yes, you're making sense, but ensuring that someone is truly "clean" will require him to go for months without sex between tests one and two, because STI tests are merely snapshots taken at the moment of the test and don't reflect what might be brewing or what happens immediately after the tests. That is a pretty big commitment and one unlikely to be embraced by casual partners.

 

One of our playmates has a severe latex allergy (anaphylaxis and hives bad enough that scarring occurs) and Skyns work fine for her

[au022 15]

Thanks for the recommendation on the non-latex condoms. You are right, that is probably the best option. I just know in our conversations, her comments were to the effect of "I would rather not do it if condoms have to be used." But that may change if she knows about the non-latex kind. We will just need to talk more tonight. I am not sure how much of her decision is based on her allergy, versus her desire and preference just to do it naturally, without condoms.

 

I will let you know how our talk goes.

[Lionheart72 2,186]

The unfortunate reality is that condoms are a serious requirement for swinging. I know there are people who play without them, and who will disagree with me here, but to my mind sex with strangers - who have sex with other strangers on a regular basis - requires either protection or a death wish.

[au022 15]

The unfortunate reality is that condoms are a serious requirement for swinging. I know there are people who play without them, and who will disagree with me here, but to my mind sex with strangers - who have sex with other strangers on a regular basis - requires either protection or a death wish.

 

Thanks for the advice lionheart. We talked more about this, and we now both understand how important condoms are for this. We were just not sure if other couples always use condoms or not. Christy was genuinely encouraged about the fact that there are non-latex ones. And she brought up a good point - when she goes to the doctor, they use polyurethane gloves for the examination and she has no reaction. We both were wondering if the non- latex condoms are as reliable as the latex ones?

 

Another thing we are discussing now is our rules. Christy is a very much in the moment type person, so she has mentioned that she would just like the freedom to do what she feels like in the moment. I am okay with that, but from reading on here, most couples seem to have a set of rules of what is okay and what is not (kissing, anal, etc.). So, should we have a ground set of rules and stick to them, or maybe have them but be flexible in the moment if the situation is going well? Just wondering what others have done.

[angelkin 1,326]

We both were wondering if the non- latex condoms are as reliable as the latex ones?

 

We have a friend with a latex allergy and have found the non-latex to be equally reliable. 3 Things You Oughta Know About Latex-Free Condoms is an article I found.

 

Another thing we are discussing now is our rules. Christy is a very much in the moment type person, so she has mentioned that she would just like the freedom to do what she feels like in the moment. I am okay with that, but from reading on here, most couples seem to have a set of rules of what is okay and what is not (kissing, anal, etc.). So, should we have a ground set of rules and stick to them, or maybe have them but be flexible in the moment if the situation is going well? Just wondering what others have done.

 

Rules are for you two - don't make a bunch of rules because you've read or heard about others' rules. We're a flexible kind of couple and it works for us to just go with the moment. Because we are not jealous, if something made one of us uncomfortable, we'll just discuss it later in private - and dissect the feelings until we decide it was silly or keep in mind for future playtimes.

[au022 15]

Thanks anglekin for sharing. That article was very informative.

 

And thanks for sharing about the rules. It sounds like you guys take the approach we are discussing. Just go with the feeling of the moment. Christy has shared that is her preference, and really, I don't have any concerns with that. I want her to embrace and enjoy her sexuality to the fullest. I want her to have the freedom to do what she feels like in the moment. And it sounds like this has worked well for you guys.

 

Has there been many instances of something making either one of you uncomfortabel where you had to discuss it later one? Just curious how often it has occurred, what it was, how you resolved it, etc.

[au022 15]

WooHoo. We have enough posts now to upload our avatar!

[angelkin 1,326]

Thanks anglekin for sharing. That article was very informative.

 

And thanks for sharing about the rules. It sounds like you guys take the approach we are discussing. Just go with the feeling of the moment. Christy has shared that is her preference, and really, I don't have any concerns with that. I want her to embrace and enjoy her sexuality to the fullest. I want her to have the freedom to do what she feels like in the moment. And it sounds like this has worked well for you guys.

 

Has there been many instances of something making either one of you uncomfortable where you had to discuss it later one? Just curious how often it has occurred, what it was, how you resolved it, etc.

 

It has worked well, sometimes we hit a snag, we've got it down to a fine science now We really only have a few rules we both abide by: Condoms always for penetration, hall passes with pre-approval, no sleeping (literally) with play partners, and we limit cuddling afterwards.

 

Part of my "sorting things out process" also involves posting for insight here. I love the different perspectives and have received tons of great advice and support from the membership here.

[au022 15]

Thanks for sharing those two examples. Those are dynamics and aspects of this lifestyle I had honestly never thought about. I was focused on rules or expectations for the actual sex itself. It hasn't crossed my mind about other issues outside the bedroom. Thanks for giving us insight into those issues.

 

We have agreed that for now, this will be something we do together. I want to be there, to watch, and she wants me to watch her with others. For the future, I think I would be okay with her playing alone as long as I know him and have met him. So I know she is safe. But I can see down the road where the potential is present for there to be miscommunication if these things are established beforehand.

 

But for the actual sex, I don't think there will be any preset rules for us. She can do what she feels like in the moment. Nothing off the table so to speak.

 

Can you tell me what you mean by a hall pass?

[angelkin 1,326]

 

Can you tell me what you mean by a hall pass?

 

Hall pass is what we call playing alone basically.

 

For example, at a house party, we are free to do whomever or whatever we wish - which means we don't need a hall pass. But, I travel sometimes for work and we both have the ability to use a hall pass - that is seek a one-on-one encounter if we want. Our caveat is that we need to check in before hand and stay in loose contact just for safety reasons. So, if I am dining alone at the hotel bar and meet someone, I am allowed to play if I call home and ask first.

 

We might also consider a hall pass if I am on a girl's night out or want to play with a couple he isn't interested in. I have only actually used the pass twice. He never has used it.

[au022 15]

Thanks for defining what a hall pass is. Obviously, you guys have built a tremendous amount of trust. He trusts your ability to choose someone who will not be a danger to you. That is really great you two have that level if trust and selflessness.

 

I am not sure how this may evolve for us. I know I want Christy to have the freedom to completely enjoy her sexuality and set aside any inhibitions. Maybe down the road we would consider her playing alone with others she chooses, without the requirement for me to meet them first.

 

I really am wanting this to be all about her, and subsequently us. I am okay with anything she does sexually with other guys. And I am fully prepared for the fact that she may experience a guy who is better for her sexually than I. I think it is absurd to think all of our needs can be met by a single person. I just want her to be fulfilled in all aspects of life - physically, emotionally, and mentally.

[Lionheart72 2,186]

And I am fully prepared for the fact that she may experience a guy who is better for her sexually than I.

 

I just want to hit this point, not because it's a big deal but because I see it a lot and it's an interesting statement. In our experience, we have never met a swing partner who was better. We have met many who were different and who did different things that we enjoyed, but that didn't make them better. Just different. Often, we learn and incorporate other peoples "techniques" into our own personal play. So, I think the idea that someone else might be better than you sexually isn't something that you need to worry about.

[au022 15]

Thanks lionheart for bringing this point out, I didn't do a very good job of articulating what I mean. What I was trying to convey is that I am not threatened by the pleasure that another guy may give Christy that is different than what I give her. Better is not the right word. I want her to have these different experiences, to enjoy many different sensations, pleasures. That is what I mean, not that one guy would be better than me.

[M1F2KTJ 470]

You've come to the right place. For advice read the forums. One quick bit of advice/warning ... my wife fell in love with the first guy I talked her into having sex with. Great sex brings out great emotions. Things worked out between us. Are both of you prepared to separate the physical from the emotional?

[au022 15]

We feel we are secure enough in our marriage right now to venture into this. You are right - sex does evoke great emotions. And that is one of the things that make it enjoyable. We have discussed this aspect. What we desire is an addition, a strengthening to our personal intimacy - not a replacement. We are committed to us, and will protect that as required.

 

With that said, I do want Christy to enjoy the emotional side too, within bounds. You know, those butterflies, from the touch of someone new. The feeling of being desired, letting another man pleasure her, letting herself go. I want her to enjoy it to the fullest with no regrets or worries. To know that I am there supporting her all the way.

[Guy1964 177]

You've come to the right place. For advice read the forums. One quick bit of advice/warning ... my wife fell in love with the first guy I talked her into having sex with. Great sex brings out great emotions. Things worked out between us. Are both of you prepared to separate the physical from the emotional?

 

One of my friend's wives said she wanted basically a hall pass. The reality was that she already had a person lined up that she wanted to be able to see without feeling guilty. Now, I realize she was romantically attracted before she was sexually attracted. The other guy quickly lost interest, and my [female] friend wanted to resume a monogamous relationship. Her husband liked the new NSA lifestyle. As you can imagine, it wasn't a happy ending.