Why did she lie?

[JustAskJulie 2,588]

Julie, evidently she feels that the LS has done her more harm than good, and is pretty much dead set against it. I'm kind of disappointed but will continue to try to learn as much as I can. Since we began living together we have become friends with a pretty broad social group and I must say that those who practice swinging seem to be the most honest and caring of the whole group. IDK why you don't advertise this aspect more? The public opinion of swinging is mostly negative, but if people would actually meet and talk with swingers , they would, like me , come away with a fresh and positive new perspective. Except for this a**hole and his wife, almost all of those I have met are good folks, and not perverts. It's not that they think outside the box, it's more like their box is shaped a little different than others.

 

Thank you for the compliment you've given to us all. I'd say we don't really advertise swinging at all. It is what it is. Those who find themselves around swingers (whether accidentally or on purpose) tend to find just what you did... that we are all pretty normal people, just a little more open about some things. Those who judge us harshly will likely never find out they were surrounded by swingers the whole time.

[Lionheart72 2,186]

Its not quite the same, is it?

 

Maybe its just me though. When something turned out to be bad for me, I don't like to encourage the negativity to remain in my life.

 

Babies and bathwater, my friend. There's nothing wrong with continuing to hang out with people you like, just because you are no longer involved with the pastime that first introduced you to them. All that matter is whether or not you get along with the people.

 

For certain the couple with the running mouth spouse has to go. He is too damaging.

 

Well, based on that one event, he certainly sounds like an asshole... but there might be more to the story. Or it might just be that he is a "part of the group." Every group of any significant size has at least one asshole. Generally, folks learn to ignore that individual... which is probably why said individual would say something toxic to "the new guy." He can't get a rise out of anyone else.

[Gordo 617]

DNR, she really likes these people and they are already in the social group that we belong to. The operative part is the social group , the swinging is secondary. There are actually several couples but only 2 or 3 swinging couples. I won't name it but this social/charitable group is pretty high profile in Indianapolis.

 

I would certainly make it clear to him that I don't want to hear any further tales and further just how comfortable do you think the other swingers in this group would be with him knowing he's shooting his mouth off. Especially with the fact there are vanillas in the group.

 

I'd personally cut off anyone like this in a heartbeat... discretion is the most important factor in our swinging.

[latenight 15]

Thank you for the compliment you've given to us all. I'd say we don't really advertise swinging at all. It is what it is. Those who find themselves around swingers (whether accidentally or on purpose) tend to find just what you did... that we are all pretty normal people, just a little more open about some things. Those who judge us harshly will likely never find out they were surrounded by swingers the whole time.

Julie, it does seem a shame that more people don't have the opportunity that I have had.

[latenight 15]

Lionheart and Gordo. This couple belongs to our social group and so we can't cut them out of our lives, but we definitely will limit contact with them. We decided that last night. I did, however , give the husband a call today and told him to keep his mouth shut regarding my gf on pain of pain. I'm 51 but I'm is great shape and am a pretty good street fighter. Hell, I can bench more than this prick weighs, and would put some serious hurt on him. He obviously believes me because he apologized about 20 times before I could end the call..........A**hole!!!

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Lionheart, I am the sort of person that if an activity or experience was bad for me then I won't really heal if I am around those who participated or even knows. To put it behind me, it has to be all behind me.

 

Others don't make the same choices and some would have to cut other things that are good to make that happen. That's not easy.

[latenight 15]

So she finds herself having to be around that particular couple in social events. Have you discussed how to handle them in future yet?

 

BTW, how many non swingers were around when this fellow began his tell all? Do those people know she was involved in swinging activities?

I sure hope not. It would be very bad if she was thought by the "normal", folks to have been involved in the lifestyle.

[latenight 15]

Lionheart, I am the sort of person that if an activity or experience was bad for me then I won't really heal if I am around those who participated or even knows. To put it behind me, it has to be all behind me.

 

Others don't make the same choices and some would have to cut other things that are good to make that happen. That's not easy.

I can understand this, but it isn't an option for the reasons stated.

[Gordo 617]

Lionheart and Gordo. This couple belongs to our social group and so we can't cut them out of our lives, but we definitely will limit contact with them. We decided that last night. I did, however , give the husband a call today and told him to keep his mouth shut regarding my gf on pain of pain. I'm 51 but I'm is great shape and am a pretty good street fighter. Hell, I can bench more than this prick weighs, and would put some serious hurt on him. He obviously believes me because he apologized about 20 times before I could end the call..........A**hole!!!

 

Social group or not I can tell you from personal experience that a bucket mouth can create huge problems. We had to end a 30 year and 10 year friendship because of one loud mouth. The other swinging couples would probably side with you as they don't want the drama or exposure either.

 

I think you did the right thing calling him and telling him off.

[tribbles 490]

Lionheart and Gordo. This couple belongs to our social group and so we can't cut them out of our lives, but we definitely will limit contact with them. We decided that last night. I did, however , give the husband a call today and told him to keep his mouth shut regarding my gf on pain of pain. I'm 51 but I'm is great shape and am a pretty good street fighter. Hell, I can bench more than this prick weighs, and would put some serious hurt on him. He obviously believes me because he apologized about 20 times before I could end the call..........A**hole!!!

 

If he has any sense at all, he will cut you and your gf out of his social life!

[not one 15]

Just a thought, but if the guy is a loud mouth, he may well be a drinker, too and has your lady confused with somebody else, or even with somebody he dreamed about.

[latenight 15]

Just a thought, but if the guy is a loud mouth, he may well be a drinker, too and has your lady confused with somebody else, or even with somebody he dreamed about.

No such luck. He is one of the few swingers in our social group and is well acquainted with my GF.

[10thBadger 24]

On 4/9/2013 at 6:32 PM, Lionheart72 said:

Honestly, is it any of your business what she did before she was with you? Sexual transmitted infections notwithstanding, does it really matter? She is the same person she was before you found out about this.

 

As for lying, do you really know that she is? OK, two of her past friends have told you stories. She denies them. Maybe the stories are exaggerations or different interpretations of events. Maybe they are outright fabrications by people with some hidden motive to hurt you or her. Maybe they are even true and your GF didn't feel comfortable sharing them because of how you might (and in fact did) react.

 

You need to ask yourself a couple of important questions. Do you care about this woman? If yes, calm down and talk to her. Don't accuse her. Don't judge her. Just talk to her. Calmly, honestly, openly and from the heart. Open and honest communication. That's the key.

Badgers wife,

 

Why wouldn’t he have a right to know. Just a question 

 

I know from my point of you I wanted to know what my husband’s history was. But having no my husband from a young age, I wanted to be sure that he wasn’t doing stupid things just my point of view. If you are not ashamed of your past, you should have no problem with sharing it with somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with. It is a choice that was taken away from him that is making him feel that way. I know that if my husband, military man, had been sleeping with everybody and anybody and sleeping with prostitutes, I would absolutely want to know because that shows his character. That’s just my opinion

[10thBadger 24]

On 4/9/2013 at 7:11 PM, losAmantes said:

We all have some skeletons in our closets. What she did before you got together is her business. You love her and she loves you based on who you are right now. Even if the accusations are true, it doesn't matter. You'll have to decide if you're willing to destroy a loving relationship because your ego is fragile. wife

Badgers wife,
 

Please don’t be hard on him. He has nothing to do with his ego. We all make decisions on information that we know. We do that every day. I’m not saying that everything that this man said was true, and I’m saying that he should Believe his wife or girlfriend. But if she didn’t do these things and she knows it is important for him to know. Why would she not tell him, everybody says that truthfulness and honesty is the most important thing. Just be truthful and if the truth is that she did not do it cool. But if she did do it she should come up front and say yes that is my past but that is not me now.

[10thBadger 24]

On 4/9/2013 at 7:29 PM, JustAskJulie said:

We all have our limits, yours are obviously this side of interracial sex and GBs. Perhaps she lied because she knew that and didn't want you to judge her (as you are doing) based on experiences in her past. Whether or not you told her that there's no way you would have moved forward had you known those factors, my guess is that you've talked about enough things for her to have an idea of what things you might consider taboo.

 

That said, I'm not saying she lied. I don't know her.

 

What I do know is that she has some friends who seriously lack discretion and since they lack discretion it's possible that also stretch the truth or create stories where they don't know facts. We've had many instances where stories were created about things we had done (that never happened). People see us with certain other people and assume things are going on that are not. When people are drunk their memories can not be relied on; whether it's because whatever they may have seen or heard while drunk got muddled, or because later when they are drunk they muddle things, merging stories they heard with things they've seen elsewhere.

 

There is only one person giving you a version of the truth here that you know well enough to take at their word and that is your GF. The question is do you trust her enough to take her at her word and let her past be her past? Or don't you? If you don't, things will only get worse from here.

 

That said, you've already said that you doubt you see swinging in your future, and based on the fact that she still has a lot of friends in the LS, I do see swinging in hers. You might want to discuss that with her and weight it in your decision as to whether or not this relationship is worth continuing with.

Badgers wife,

 

But two people said the same thing. It’s just like with my husband, do you not think I asked other friends of his about my husband when I was dating him. It was no conflicting stories about him. That’s how I knew it was true. Because I knew how the guys in the [SOF] were. I had to gather as much information as possible to see if he was a good candidate for me to marry. Actually my husband was pretty square. I hope that is the correct term that I am using. This is my second language. But all of them said the same thing. If they would’ve said something crazy and it was told by many people. I would have believed them. Just my opinion sorry

[10thBadger 24]

On 4/9/2013 at 10:05 PM, sunbuckus said:

 

Everyone else has given you great advice. I'd like to highlight the above quotes from your post because it does sound like you have some prejudices about the LS and you aren't as open-minded as you thought you were. Your post reminds me of a similar recent post on the forum in regards to single men who don't mind playing with other men's wives but couldn't see themselves in the LS with their g/f or wife. Perhaps you thought that swinging was all in the past for her and that you were going to "convert" her back to "normalcy"? Perhaps it was great thinking about what a wild woman she was in her younger years but now that she's older she should settle down and put aside swinging? I'm glad to hear that she was upfront with you about how swinging past but perhaps you two should have delved deeper into whether swinging was in her future, your future, the future you two had together. Perhaps she took your neutrality and "open-mindedness" as a possibility that swinging might be in the future for you two as a couple. In any case, there should have been more communication and if there's is to be any relationship between you two, you both need have a lot of talking to do about the health and future of the relationship.

Badgers wife
 

Let’s say that it is true, do you consider it an lie? Or do you not consider it a misrepresentation of the truth? I’m not saying that she lied. I’m saying it might be a miss repetition of the truth. Or should she just keep her past secret and nothing before their relationship counts.? 
 

if my husband volunteered information that was not complete, of course I would be upset because I would consider it being not truthful. And of course the lifestyle is all about being truthful. I can understand her past in the lifestyle but you should be proud of what you have done in the lifestyle and have no problem sharing it with your husband/partner. Just like several people on who have said, the truth is the best medicine. If she didn’t do, all good. But let’s see the other party to go to, somebody else says the same thing. Is he supposed not to believe that also? It is all about honesty from what I am seeing.

 

Do I believe he should judge her on her past, I would say no but being truthful about your past I would say yes because people change. But taking away the option is pretty deceitful

[Anon321 481]

I take the attitude that the past is the past and if something in the past like that happened and it bothers you enough to ruin a relationship than the relationship probably wasn't that strong enough to begin with.

 

I also want to say that I don't think it's easy for women to fully open up about their past sexual escapades and even their current sexual escapades all the time.  I consider my GF to be extremely open about sexual stuff but even she holds back or hides a bit.  When she talks to me or her closest friends it's easy for her to talk about having sex in a car, blowing some guy she met at a club, or even stretching it to experiences of threesomes.  But it's not always easy to open up about gangbangs, BDSM, golden showers, DP, etc etc.  Even with me I can tell there are times when she is telling me a sex story and she starts to blush from nerves or embarrassment and so I don't push it too much.  I am sure it is mostly because there are stigmas attached to those types of activities so she doesn't know if her friends will view her the same or maybe I'm not as kinky as her so maybe she thinks I'll have a negative response to it (which I wouldn't so long as everything is legal and consensual and I've told her this).

 

On the other hand it's different for guys.  My best friends will give me every blow by blow detail of their sexual experience with my GF or any other girls they've had sex with no matter how wild, kinky, or perverted the experiences are.  And they'll do it without any hesitation or shame and usually with some level of pride getting some sort of pleasure out of it.  And this could be because guys like to brag about having a lot of sex and kinky sex because they won't be labeled dirty, whore, slut, etc. in traditional social settings like some women would be.

[10thBadger 24]

On 4/10/2013 at 12:09 PM, sunbuckus said:

 

You may not be convinced with 100% certainty that she has done the lying but you sound like you are almost made up in your mind that she has. She has told you that she didn't lie. You either trust her or you don't. And if you are willing to trust a friend (who you know through your g/f) over the word of your g/f, what does that say about the trust you have for her?

 

Just like there are a billion "What if...?" questions, there are just as many "Why would...?" possibilities. We don't know you. We don't know her. We don't know the friends. Perhaps the majority of her experiences in the LS were couple swapping or threesomes and the GB, BBC, and BSDM were little experimentations into her sexuality that she tried but didn't explore further. But on the chance that she is doing the lying, do you think that maybe she doesn't want to talk about it because maybe it wasn't as much fun as she thought it was? Maybe they were one time and done experiences. Maybe there were some bad experiences stemming from them. Maybe she just plain forgot about them. We do not know.

 

Instead of thinking that you are the victim, put yourself in her shoes. You two are doing swimmingly in the relationship, then one evening a friend of your's tells her some stories of you that they think would gross/freak her out. And it works...now she's wondering why you didn't tell her, why you lied, why would you lie, etc. etc. etc. She argues with you. She's confrontational. No matter what you say, she doesn't believe you. All of that puts you into a defensive mode, doesn't? All of that does not help the relationship and hurts it badly. Doesn't matter who is telling the truth at this point. To you, she's not on your side. She has one stance (and it's not a trustful one) and you have the defensive stance that can become resentful.

 

And I understand all about how important trust is in a relationship. Once it starts to crack and break, it takes time and work to patch it up. Is this something that you find that you can't get past? Why does it matter so much to you do have the entire truth of something in her past that had nothing to do with you? What if she demanded that you tell her the complete truth about what happened in your first marriage and why it broke down? You're thinking, "How does that help anything at all when it didn't involve her?" Exactly. You are so focused on this truth-seeking quest that you are hurting the one person you love and possibly irreparably hurting the relationship you have with her. As someone else pointed out, everything she has done until this point has shaped her into who she is. She's great in bed...well, you might have the LS to thank for that in helping her learn about her sexuality. You are reaping the benefits of her earlier sexual escapades. Let it go.

 

To be honest, I think you have some growing up to do. If something like this makes you distrustful of your g/f and affects the relationship what is going to happen when something even more devastating happens? Will you both be able to stand side to side as a couple and weather the relationship woes or will you both be standing on opposite sides and push each other away?

 

However, if you want to salvage this relationship, you should start by trusting her completely. Tell her that you do (and actually trust her, too!) and put the entire ordeal behind you. You have to prioritize what is more important to you, your g/f or your pride.

So what you are saying is that if she is lying, it is OK. The foundation doesn’t matter if it is a lie. Now I understand forgive her and it is her past. But you can’t have it both ways my friend. If I found out that my wife lied to me from the beginning. It is only natural to believe that she is lying about other things. Now if she did not do it, cool that is great and he should just let it be. But he didn’t have two conflicting versions of what happened. It doesn’t matter if they are husband or wife. They both said the exact same thing. I understand believing her over them put it has to be some explanation.

 

Now suppose years down the line, she comes up and says yes everything that they say were true. What do you think he should do then? That’s my question to you. If she comes back and says yes everything they say it was true but I just didn’t want to tell you. What should he do then ? All pass will come to light. All lies will leave the darkness and come to light. Just think about it, they say he goes to another party and not a swinger party but a normal party. And someone else comes up and says yeah, She was pretty wild back in the day. And he repeat the same thing. Is he not supposed to bleed that either?

[10thBadger 24]

On 4/11/2013 at 11:51 AM, JustAskJulie said:

 

Thank you for the compliment you've given to us all. I'd say we don't really advertise swinging at all. It is what it is. Those who find themselves around swingers (whether accidentally or on purpose) tend to find just what you did... that we are all pretty normal people, just a little more open about some things. Those who judge us harshly will likely never find out they were surrounded by swingers the whole time.

Julie is always the calm within the storm.