How do I get over my (male) jealousy

[Tina and Bob 236]

Well Doug, Alura has given you excellent advice. I too would wonder what she does when she goes out by herself with her girlfriend. Does she come home drunk? How late does she stay out? and do they go to places where others know both of you?

[doug39 80]

Does she come home drunk? How late does she stay out? and do they go to places where others know both of you?

 

 

Sometimes.

It depends.

Sometimes.

[cpl36996 91]

I think is worth the reading!!

 

Jealousy Management

Part 1: On the Nature of Jealousy

Jealousy is an unusual emotion in that it is an emotion rooted in other emotions. Often, the root of

jealousy lies in insecurity, the idea that your relationship with your partner is not stable; it can also

be rooted in such things as fear of loss, fear of being replaced, and so on.

For that reason, effective resolution of jealousy relies on tracking down the root of the jealousy, and

identifying the emotional responses the jealousy is rooted in. This is arguably the most important

step to resolving issues of jealousy and insecurity, and is one of the most difficult, because it relies

on an unflinching, completely honest self-assessment and a willingness to explore and understand

unpleasant, uncomfortable emotions.

Toolkit for Understanding Jealousy

• First, identify the things that trigger a feeling of jealousy or insecurity. Keep in mind

that the triggers which lead to a jealous emotional response are not the same thing as

the cause of the jealous response! The triggers are the events or situations which bring

up a feeling of jealousy; the cause is buried deeper, in other emotions.

• Fill in the blank: “I do not like my partner to do X because if my partner does X,

then _______________.” Be honest! Identify the fears or doubts that the behavior which

triggers the feelings of jealousy or insecurity may cause. What’s the worst-case scenario?

What bad things do you believe may happen if your partner does whatever it is

that causes the jealous response? (This may take some time. It might be helpful to write

down your response; if you feel conflicted or a mix of emotions, write down each one,

and try to pin down exactly what you feel when your partner does whatever triggers a

jealous response.) Often, simply putting a name to your fears, however unfounded you

know them to be rationally, goes a long way toward reducing them.

• Further down the rabbit hole: Why do you think these things may happen? Are those

fears valid? How does your partner feel about these things? Talk to your partner about

what you believe may happen if your partner does whatever it is that triggers the insecurities

or jealousies.

Potential Pitfalls

- Fears, jealousies, insecurities, and similar emotions will seek to justify themselves

and convince you that they are valid; and the emotional reality they create will color

and influence your worldview. They always feel valid, even when they’re not. Don’t assume

that your feelings always tell the truth. Look at them critically, in the light of day.

When you examine the things you think may happen if your partner does whatever triggers your

jealousy, most often what you find is that the things you’re afraid of aren’t actually true. Knowing

that intellectually does not make the feelings go away, but it does give you information about what

the feelings are rooted in.

Now, not all jealousies are irrational, and not all jealousies are unfounded. If your partner has a history

of cheating on you or betraying your confidence, for example, then it is perfectly reasonable and

appropriate to feel that your partner might not be honest with you, or might not do what he or she

says. Useful jealousy—jealousy that is a valid warning sign of a problem in a relationship—is a very

different animal from irrational jealousy.

It’s not always easy to tell them apart, though, because emotional responses seek to justify themselves,

and can influence the way you perceive the world. It’s possible to find evidence to support

almost any feeling, if you look hard enough.

Part 2: Deconstructing Jealousy, Fear, and Insecurity

When you’ve looked at jealousy through a lens of critical evaluation, often you’ll find a great deal of

insight into the things that underlie those feelings. Now it’s time to start working on the root of the

problem.

One way to do this is to go back to the sentence, “I do not like my partner to do X because if my

partner does X, then _______________.” Look at the way you fill in the blank. What does it reveal

about your assumptions? Does it suggest anything about the way you see your relationship with

your partner. The things that it reveals about your assumptions and your ideas about your relationship—

especially the tacit, unspoken ideas that you may not consciously be aware of—will speak

volumes about how to go about solving the issues at the root of jealousy.

Toolkit for Desconstructing an Insecurity

• Make a list of hidden assumptions. These are the ideas that underlie your fears.

Let’s say, for example, that you realize “I do not like when my partner kisses someone

else in front of me, because if my partner kisses someone else, that person might kiss

better than I do. If that person kisses better than I do, maybe that person is better in

bed too. If that person is better in bed than I am, maybe my partner will prefer that person

to me. If my partner prefers that person to me, maybe my partner will leave me.”

This example shows a number of assumptions, some of which are buried very deeply,

about the nature of this hypothetical person’s beliefs about relationships. Are these assumptions

true? What are they? In this case, a list of hidden assumptions might be:

- My partner is with me because of the way I please my partner in bed.

- My partner values the things that someone does in bed.

- If someone else is better than I am in bed, my partner may wish to

stop having sex with me.

- The way I am in bed is fixed and unchangeable; someone who is

better than I am in bed will always be better than I am in bed; and

there is nothing I can do about that.

- If my partner finds someone more pleasing than I am in bed, my

partner will no longer need me.

• Examine these assumptions. Are they valid? Are they true? Do they have merit? Do

you really believe them? What does your partner say about them?

Now, when you do this, you might find that one or more of these ideas is actually true.

There are people in the world who, for example, base their relationships on sex; there

are people in the world who will choose the person who is the most fun in bed, and

dump the other one.

But if these assumptions are true, and they have validity, then

the question that brings up is: Do you actually want this relationship?

If your partner is only with you for sex, then what

value does that relationship have? Is that what you want, or

are you simply in the relationship out of fear of being alone?

Most of the time, when you drag the assumptions underlying

a jealousy out into the light and look at them, you’ll find that

they actually have no merit at all. In this hypothetical example,

there are a lot of assumptions which likely are not true: first,

that this person is “better” in bed with you (in reality, even the

same sexual act with two different partners is two completely

different experiences; there is no direct way to compare yourself

to another person); second, that the only reason your partner

is with you is because of the sexual services you provide;

third, that it is impossible for you to control how pleasing you

are to your partner; and fourth, that your partner is going to

choose to leave you over something like this.

Keep in mind that this is a hypothetical example; your own experiences

with your own emotional responses will be different.

But the same process can be applied to your experiences; are

the unspoken assumptions beneath your fears valid? Can you

deconstruct your fears, and look at what they’re made of? Do

these fears make sense? Do they tell the truth?

The fear of being alone is arguably

one of the most difficult things to

deal with in a relationship. Often,

it comes from an idea that the

partner you have now is someone

you must be with; if you lose this

relationship, for whatever reason,

you can never find another again.

This fear can make it very difficult

for you to ask for what you need

in a relationship (for fear that your

partner will leave if you ask for

too much), and can add an edge

of desperation to any other fear or

insecurity you may feel (because if

you fail to make this relationship

work, you’ll never have another

opportunity for happiness).

Conquering a fear of being alone

is a necessary step in the quest for

security; if you can not feel confident

in your ability to be happy

without your current relationship,

it becomes much more difficult to

be secure in your current relationship.

Sidebar: Fear of being alone

Part 3: Constructing a replacement

Once you’ve come this far, you’re very nearly done. Understanding the things that a jealous response

is rooted in, and taking apart those roots, gives you tremendous power over that jealousy. The next

step in conquering that jealousy is to construct new ideas that you can reach for whenever you begin

to feel the jealous response.

The way you do this is to find counters to the things underlying the jealousies. These are things

which you can use to tell your fears, “No, the things I am afraid of are not true, and here’s why.”

They are concrete, grounded ideas you can reach for whenever the jealousies or insecurities arise.

Toolkit for Replacing Fears and Insecurities

• Return to the list of the assumptions and ideas your fears are grounded in. For that

list of assumptions and ideas, make another list of things that demonstrate why the

fears and insecurities are unfounded.

In the example talked about earlier, it might look something

like this:

- Assumption: My partner is with me because of the way I

please my partner in bed.

- Fact:

My partner is not with me because I please my partner in

bed. My partner is with me because I add value to his or

her life. My partner is with me because I have qualities

that he or she likes and admires. My partner is with me

because my partner loves me. I can trust that love, and I

can trust the reality that my partner wants to be with me

because of who I am, not because of the way I kiss or the

way I am in bed.

- Assumption: - My partner values the things that someone

does in bed.

- Fact:

My partner may value the things someone else does in

bed, but that has nothing to do with me. My partner also

values me. My value does not depend on anything outside

of myself. My value does not depend on my

being the best in bed. My partner may have fun spending

time with someone else, but this is not a reflection in any

way of the value my partner gets from me.

And so on. If necessary, sit down with your partner and go

through your list of fears and assumptions with him or her. As

goofy as it might seem, you may even find it’s helpful to write

down all these things that challenge and reject your fears and

in a way you can keep with you in your pocket.

Building a list of things which challenge your fears and your

assumptions is a powerful tool because your jealousies are

not going to disappear overnight; like living animals, they will

seek to protect themselves. When you are feeling an emotional

response that you don’t like and don’t want, it is helpful sometimes

to be able to point to a concrete list of reasons why that

response is unwarranted.

One easy trap you may fall into if

you are examining your emotions

and constructing replacements for

your fears and insecurities is in believing

that your partner values and

loves you for what you do, not for

who you are. The danger in making

this assumption is that it can lead

to the thought that if someone else

does the things you do better than

you do them, your partner can replace

you with that person.

In truth, people are not interchangeable.

Even if someone else

shares all your interests, does all

the things you do, and behaves

the same way you do in your relationship,

you still stand alone.

The things that give you value are

unique to you; the same experience

with two different people has

two different and unique flavors.

You can not be replaced, not even

by someone who does all the same

things you do—because it is who

you are as a person that makes

you special.

Don’t look to things outside yourself

for specialness; don’t assume

“I am special because I am the

only one that my partner does

thus-and-such with” or “I am special

because I am the only person

who knows thus-and-such about

my partner.” An idea of specialness

that depends on things outside

yourself can easily lead to insecurity,

because if someone else

does those things, then you won’t

feel special any more. On the other

hand, an idea of specialness that

comes from within can never be

taken away.

Sidebar: Personal value

Part 4: Building new habits

By and large, emotional responses are learned things; and like all learned things, we become good at

them through practice. Jealousy and insecurity are no different. In a very real way, a person becomes

good at being jealous or insecure by practicing being jealous or insecure, and becomes good at being

confident and self-assured by practicing being confident and self-assured.

The last step to building a more secure and less jealous approach to relationships is to practice being

secure. The more you behave like a person who is secure and self-confident, the more you become

a person who is secure and self-confident. It almost sounds too easy, but it is an extremely powerful

technique. Mental attitudes are learned just as a skill like playing the piano is learned.

All new skills feel awkward, uncomfortable, and unnatural at first. It makes little difference what

kind of skill we’re talking about; the first time you try to ride a bicycle or play a piano, it feels extremely

uncomfortable.

The same is true for learning new mental and emotional attitudes. If you are accustomed to thinking

of yourself as a jealous person, if you describe yourself as being a jealous person, then you are

practicing being jealous; it feels natural and right because you’ve practiced it to the point where

it’s become natural. Similarly, each time you welcome thoughts or feelings that say you aren’t good

enough, or that your partner doesn’t really want to be with you, you’re practicing that insecurity.

Practicing security and self-confidence leads to being secure and self-confident.

Toolkit for Practicing Security

• Start by examining the mental habits you have already developed. When you see

your partner with someone else, do you naturally think “Oh, that person is much more

attractive than I am, of course my partner prefers that person?” That’s a habit that reinforces

insecurity.

• Next, look at the behaviors those habits result in. One of the most common ways for

people to try to deal with jealousy is by controlling the behavior of their partners, in order

to try to skirt around the things that trigger the jealousy. But a trigger is not a cause;

if the root cause of the jealousy has not been resolved, then the jealousy still exists, it’s

merely dormant. Getting rid of the jealousy means letting go of the idea that the way to

prevent it is to control your partner’s behavior so that you do not see whatever triggers

it.

This requires a lot of courage. It requires deliberately exposing yourself to the very

thing that makes you feel jealous; and when you’re up to your ass in alligators, as the

saying goes, it can be mighty difficult to remember that your objective was to drain the

swamp! Jealousy feels awful, and it makes you want to do anything you can to make

the feeling stop, right now. Getting through it once and for all means challenging it, and

that means not taking the easy way out.

Another common way that people try to resolve jealousy is the “structural remedy”—

controlling jealousy by controlling the form of the relationship, in hopes that if the

relationship has the right shape, the jealousy will simply never arise.

The three most common structural approaches to dealing with jealousy are prescriptive

primary/secondary (“I will not feel jealous if I know I am top dog, #1, the ‘real’

relationship, the person who can keep all other people subordinate”), the Hot Bi Babe

approach (“I will not feel jealous if we both date the same person, because if my partner

is having sex with someone, then there’s no need to feel left out or insecure if I am

having sex with that person too!”), and controlling the sex of a partner’s other partners

(which can take two forms; either “A person of the opposite sex as me can offer my

partner something that I am not able to offer my partner, so it is OK if my partner has

lovers who are the same sex as I am because they can’t do anything I can’t do, but my

partner is forbidden to have lovers who are not the same sex as I am because they can

give my partner things I can’t” and “A person of the opposite sex as me is not a threat

to me, because the experiences my partner gets from that person can’t replace the experiences

my partner gets from me; therefore, it is OK if my partner has loves who are

the opposite sex of me because they can’t replace me, but my partner is forbidden to

have lovers who are the same sex as me because they can threaten me.”)

All three structural approaches may feel right to some people, but they rest on flawed

assumptions: that jealousy is logical and works rationally, and that people are more or

less interchangeable.

The more difficult, less comfortable, more courageous approach goes something like

this: “If my partner does whatever it is that triggers my jealousy, then I feel jealous or

threatened or insecure, but I know these feelings are not true. I have a choice to make.

I can try to avoid the jealousy, or I can act like a person who is secure and self-confident

even though I do not yet feel secure and self-confident, and trust that my partner

will take care of me.”

Making the decision to act secure and self-confident even when you don’t feel secure

and self-confident is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do—at least the first

time you do it.

How do you do this?

Find the thing that triggers your jealousy, and then let your partner do that thing.

Returning to the previous hypothetical example, suppose you feel jealous when your

partner kisses someone in front of you; you’ve understood that the jealousy is rooted,

ultimately, in a fear of being replaced; and you’ve constructed a list of reasons why you

will not actually be replaced. All well and good, but that by itself is not the end. The

end is in making the choices of a secure and self-confident person, a person who does

not feel these jealousies. And that means telling your partner “It is OK if you kiss your

other partner in front of me.”

The first time you do this, your jealousy will scream at you, trying to convince you that

the world is about to end. Do it anyway. Reach for those things that you know invalidate

your fears, and trust your partner.

When you do this, something magical happens. Your fears and jealousies begin looking

a lot smaller and a lot sillier. The second time you do it, it will be easier; the third time,

you may start to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Ultimately, in the end, you have a choice.

Your jealousies and insecurities are things you can understand; and more importantly, you can

choose how you behave, no matter what you feel. You are responsible for your own actions and for

the consequences of those actions; no matter how strongly you may feel threatened or insecure, you

still have a choice. Choices which give in to the insecurities strengthen them; choices that take a

stand against your insecurities weaken them.

I am a firm believer in the power of affirmative choice. Choosing to behave in the ways that a secure

and self-confident person behaves takes you closer to being secure and self-confident. There are

many tools that can help make those choices, but in the end those tools can’t do the work for you; at

some point, it becomes necessary to make those choices and stand by them.

Choosing to behave as if you are secure and self-confident in the face of jealousy is difficult and uncomfortable.

It’s a choice that’s worth it, however.

[doug39 80]

Well this past weekend my wife confessed to me that she did a FMF a few years before she met me.

 

I have to say I feel jealousy.

 

I know this is stupid because it happened before we met, but I thought the FMF that my wife and I did with her friend last April was her first threesome.

 

The topic of doing the MFM keeps coming up and my wife really wants to do it - it has gotten to the point that EVERYTIME her and I have sex it must include dildos and a lot of dirty talk about many men banging her.

 

Frankly, I am alittle tired of the whole thing and would enjoy a nice loving fuck every once in awhile.

 

How can I ever get up the courage to do this MFM that she desperately needs when all these things bother me?

[JohnUK1 15]

Well this past weekend my wife confessed to me that she did a FMF a few years before she met me.

 

I have to say I feel jealousy.

 

I know this is stupid because it happened before we met, but I thought the FMF that my wife and I did with her friend last April was her first threesome.

 

The topic of doing the MFM keeps coming up and my wife really wants to do it - it has gotten to the point that EVERYTIME her and I have sex it must include dildos and a lot of dirty talk about many men banging her.

 

Frankly, I am alittle tired of the whole thing and would enjoy a nice loving fuck every once in awhile.

 

How can I ever get up the courage to do this MFM that she desperately needs when all these things bother me?

 

IMHO, even if you did manage to get up the courage or drive yourself to do this for her sake, I believe given your feelings, the outcome would be disatrous for you and therefore her. It's hard that she so badly wants this. I'm in a slightly similar situation but the idea on my side turns me on although I do have doubts about her feelings for her playmate. For you, it appears you will definitely not react well to her being intimate with another guy. I believe the reality will be harder for you than even your fears. For me, I'm ok with the physical part of it. I'd suggest telling your wife the idea hurts you. It's tough considering you did do an FMF with her but you'll still entitled to your feelings. I hope she will understand where you're coming from, as try to focus on you. Good Luck!

[10thBadger 24]

On 10/4/2011 at 4:56 PM, DigginIt said:

A couple other things popped into my mind after reading bbarnsworth's post...

 

Remember not to think of it as something "your wife is doing" because it's something the two of you are doing together. You two should be able to look back on it and talk about what a great time the two of you had.

 

Second, ask yourself honestly if it is really your insecurities that bother you or a deep sense of possessiveness towards your wife. I get the since from a lot of men that it tends to be the second. Insecurities can be overcome, selfishness can't.

 

I really wish you the best on this!

And I said you are absolutely correct. It is pure selfishness on our part. But my wife also said, that is what makes our life together so special because we are so possessive and crazy about each other and that it would be really hard to share each other with another person and we love each other like crazy. Badgers wife also said of course there will be nervousness with this one guy here and with us if we ever decide to do it. Because in the back of our mind we are always thinking that something could go terribly wrong and we would lose what we have right now  even though we love each other like crazy at this moment and have loved each other like crazy for 29 years. Do you want to throw all that away with one disaster but at the same time both of us are interested. Mainly in probably going to another club and try it one more time and just play amongst the shelves will be the most that we could do at this time.

 

Does anybody disagree with what I just said? Badgers wife

[10thBadger 24]

On 10/7/2011 at 10:21 PM, bbarnsworth said:

I agree with your first line; try for the MFM threesome first. See how that goes. Then later on you can entertain the thought of a couple.

 

It's great that your wife is so intensely turned on by this! It can be a bit overwhelming though, and might be to you. A thought that has occurred to some before is along the lines of wondering why, after so many years of great sex with you, she could be so intensely interested in having sex with another man. Don't sweat it. It's not at all that you're insufficient, inadequate, etc. Not by a long shot.

 

YOU are enabling her to be able to prosper in seeking her sexual maximum. That's a positive thing.

 

Still, the caution as before, go slow and take things easy. It isn't a race.

Question

 

So how would a woman explain that to her husband that after having years and years and years of great sex and now she is even more hyper and excited over the fact of having sex with a total stranger? How should be able to reasonably get her man to understand that she is still excited about him when she is more excited about having sex with someone else other than her husband.?

 

even though my husband and I have not swung, I have sat here and try to understand how would I even tell him something like that or better yet how could he ever tell me something like that if he was thinking about having sex with another woman it was getting more excited than he has with me even though we have awesome awesome sex together for so many years. 
 

I think that would be a good question for all the veterans members to answer for some of us.

[10thBadger 24]

On 10/9/2011 at 9:07 PM, Coupleerotic22 said:

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, would we all have a Merry Christmas.

 

Doubts and worries are normal, insecurity is common, you will not know how you feel until you are actually in the situation. And unfortunately you have no control over how you will feel, emotions seem to have a life of their own.

 

But what you can control is how you react to those emotions. You both are going into this together, so you own it together. Even if it is the worst experience of your life (and I doubt it will be) you cannot place blame on your wife or be angry if she had a great time. Don't hold any ill will, sulk or be mad at her. If it turns out you hate this whole thing then man up and and own it as a decision you BOTH made and agree not to do it again. That should be simple as you have already been down this path and she was in your shoes.

 

I don't mean that to sound harsh, but you cannot teach or tell people how to control their emotions, we are each different. But you can learn to control your actions. After you have your MFM just talk to your wife and tell her how you feel and where you want to go from there.

 

My guess is that you will be surprised how much seeing her pleasured turns you on and will want to do it again, and again..............and again.

 

But if not, chalk it up to a learning experience and move on with the great relationship it sound like you have. It is like sushi, if you try it and love it, have it again. If you hate it, never order it again, but don't let it effect meals you have in the future.

 

Good luck and have fun!!

OK here’s my question to you. But suppose it is a horrible experience or as you said the worst experience of his life. How is he supposed to forget that or get that image out of his head of his wife enjoying something and just man up as you call it. Even though that term is used a lot on here by women talking to men but no similar term is given to women who have the same problems. It would be a lasting image of his wife doing something that actually hurt them in a relationship because of course if it is a horrible experience he’s going to have some major emotional issues toward his wife even though the wife is not at fault. But I think it would be good that if the wife would not get so involved in everything that’s going on that if she looks at him and sees him in trouble and stops to comfort her husband, I think that could save a lot of hurt feelings from the man or woman in the position.

 

Do you agree or disagree with my statement?

[lcmim 1,009]

Jealousy is an ugly beast and once it catches hold it can be hard to detach, yes.

 

I have told my story here before, but it has been a while and it is pertinent to this discussion.

 

I was raised with the typical assumption that jealousy was an unpleasant, but natural, reaction.

I was also raised in a tradition that encouraged a routine inner search for moral flaws. They called it an “examination of conscience”.

Jealousy had always been an issue for me. I had kept it under raps by controlling situations in which it could arise. This eventually led to a really circumscribed life and an over vigilant worldview, not paranoid but tending in that direction.

After three decades of being coupled with my wife and raising three children to adulthood we found ourselves in an empty nest, with all the attendant down time. The borders that served us well while family commitments kept us busy, suddenly pointed out gaps in our social lives. We had acquaintances from work and church, but very few close friends and only two with which we were truly transparent.

The border that had protected us in its time, started to creep between us in subtle ways.

As we tried to correct this, that ugly green monster started to peer over the hedge. During one of my periodic introspections, it became clear to me that Jealousy was not just a pesky, destructive, condition, but that previous strategies fell short and that not being more proactive was intentionally allowing a moral flaw to prosper. (Read “sin” here in old school translation.)

 

What to do.? Training said, first step is to renounce the sin.

How the hell was I to do that?

 

The answer as it turned out was simple. I have always viewed emotion as subject to reason for the most part. Did my jealousy spring from fear of loss? Not by any rational standard at all. We had been through enough that there was solid basis. Possessiveness? Entitlement?   Yes. MY Wife, My Marriage, MY, My MY.

 

My solution, for me?

I gave my bride a complete, one sided, perennial Green Light, to do whatever she wanted, with whoever she wanted, with no strings..

 This may sound like something done just for her. It was also very much for myself. By giving up any claims of possession and exclusivity, I freed myself from trying to defend myself and those things and replaced it with Trust.

 

She thought I was nuts. She may still think that sometimes, but for unrelated reasons.

 

We have redefined what fidelity means for us. It is less gonadal, better and more fulfilling.

The Green Light has cost me nothing. My bride relishes both the freedom and the trust she sees on display. We are the better for it.

Edited December 24, 2021 by lcmim

[cplnluv1 804]

I read this about Jealousy

https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-do-we-get-jealous-in-relationships/

 

Admittedly we both felt the twangs of jealousy even when we or he brought up the subject of others in our bed. Our original goal didn’t include men and then quickly we were aware that any sex was going to include men and women. I then and still have full faith in our love and faithfulness to the other. We now understand that it is our joint love and not a sex act that keeps us glued. Sex is an act of fun, fun we can have together or separately. I love him more if that is possible, with the freedom we have given the other. 

[EastInWest 1,508]

17 hours ago, 10thBadger said:

OK here’s my question to you. But suppose it is a horrible experience or as you said the worst experience of his life. How is he supposed to forget that or get that image out of his head of his wife enjoying something and just man up as you call it. Even though that term is used a lot on here by women talking to men but no similar term is given to women who have the same problems. It would be a lasting image of his wife doing something that actually hurt them in a relationship because of course if it is a horrible experience he’s going to have some major emotional issues toward his wife even though the wife is not at fault. But I think it would be good that if the wife would not get so involved in everything that’s going on that if she looks at him and sees him in trouble and stops to comfort her husband, I think that could save a lot of hurt feelings from the man or woman in the position.

 

Do you agree or disagree with my statement?

After a decade, that person isn't going to reply. I will, though.

 

If something is hurting, you ask your partner to stop, and you trust your partner to do so. That's the way it has to work.

 

If you don't speak up, it's not your partner's fault that your telepathy is in the repair shop that day. It's great if your partner can stop and notice a funny look on your face, but ultimately, you can't rely on that. These sessions aren't big deals, and you have to internalize that beforehand. If you call it off because it isn't working, you'll try again another day when it does, and that nobody is committing a crime by saying "sorry, I think we gotta call it a night".

 

17 hours ago, 10thBadger said:

So how would a woman explain that to her husband that after having years and years and years of great sex and now she is even more hyper and excited over the fact of having sex with a total stranger? How should be able to reasonably get her man to understand that she is still excited about him when she is more excited about having sex with someone else other than her husband.?

 

even though my husband and I have not swung, I have sat here and try to understand how would I even tell him something like that or better yet how could he ever tell me something like that if he was thinking about having sex with another woman it was getting more excited than he has with me even though we have awesome awesome sex together for so many years. 
 

I think that would be a good question for all the veterans members to answer for some of us.

This is a biological reality. Read up on the "Coolidge Effect". Obviously, if somebody's excited to the point of disrespect, there's a huge problem there, but people getting excited by new partners is completely normal and healthy.

 

In my experience, a session introducing a new partner invigorates the sex drive of both partners for each other, too. Maybe some of that novelty rubs off on coming back to each other, so-called "reclamation sex".

[10thBadger 24]

2 hours ago, EastInWest said:

After a decade, that person isn't going to reply. I will, though.

 

If something is hurting, you ask your partner to stop, and you trust your partner to do so. That's the way it has to work.

 

If you don't speak up, it's not your partner's fault that your telepathy is in the repair shop that day. It's great if your partner can stop and notice a funny look on your face, but ultimately, you can't rely on that. These sessions aren't big deals, and you have to internalize that beforehand. If you call it off because it isn't working, you'll try again another day when it does, and that nobody is committing a crime by saying "sorry, I think we gotta call it a night".

 

This is a biological reality. Read up on the "Coolidge Effect". Obviously, if somebody's excited to the point of disrespect, there's a huge problem there, but people getting excited by new partners is completely normal and healthy.

 

In my experience, a session introducing a new partner invigorates the sex drive of both partners for each other, too. Maybe some of that novelty rubs off on coming back to each other, so-called "reclamation sex".

 

[10thBadger 24]

2 hours ago, EastInWest said:

After a decade, that person isn't going to reply. I will, though.

 

If something is hurting, you ask your partner to stop, and you trust your partner to do so. That's the way it has to work.

 

If you don't speak up, it's not your partner's fault that your telepathy is in the repair shop that day. It's great if your partner can stop and notice a funny look on your face, but ultimately, you can't rely on that. These sessions aren't big deals, and you have to internalize that beforehand. If you call it off because it isn't working, you'll try again another day when it does, and that nobody is committing a crime by saying "sorry, I think we gotta call it a night".

 

This is a biological reality. Read up on the "Coolidge Effect". Obviously, if somebody's excited to the point of disrespect, there's a huge problem there, but people getting excited by new partners is completely normal and healthy.

 

In my experience, a session introducing a new partner invigorates the sex drive of both partners for each other, too. Maybe some of that novelty rubs off on coming back to each other, so-called "reclamation sex".

OK great answer but this is the wife now. Badgers wife

 

Reclaiming sex, I have heard this term used several times. To reclaim something means that you have lost something.. and now you are trying to retrieve it back. Just like one person said on here, reconnecting sex, which only means to me that to reclaim something or reconnect something means that something was disconnected. And if swinging is supposed to bring you together, why would you be disconnected or having to reclaim something during this process of swinging?

 

Every time I see that term, logically it doesn’t make me feel good inside, I hope I explained that correctly.

 

I think with my husband was trying to say was that so many times we’ve read multiple times that you were supposed to check in with that person to make sure they are OK. And there’s so many times we hear people getting blasted  or ridiculed when they have hurt feelings and they are confused because they don’t want to be the bad guy to stop in the middle of something and when that person does do something like that, everyone jumps on them and say that they were not very good and I should’ve did it another way.

 

example; The man has trouble during sex in a foursome, he is now sitting there now watching his wife and the other husband going at it very heavy and passionately. If he breaks it up, some saying that is the right thing to do. Then there are others that say just suck it up and wait until everything is done and then have a conversation with her. Then some say that the woman should be at least checking in on her husband to make sure he is OK even while she is enjoying herself. Then some will say that he is just jealous and he needs to get over himself and just let his wife enjoy that time. Which one is correct?

 

I would think that the wife should not be so involved even though she is trying to have the best timer for life, she should at least look over there to see what her husband is doing and to make sure he is OK and that goes for the man also to check on his woman to make sure she is OK and not in a bad situation. Am I thinking incorrectly? It’s been a huge debate between my husband and I. I think we talked about this for more than two hours after reading  and we both come with several conclusions and we read multiple conclusions from others blasting the person or being sympathetic to the person but most have been less than kind to the men and more gentle with the women.

 

Example, the man decides that he wants to try a threesome just to make his wife happy. The wife then continues to contact this other partner long after this threesome has been completed. The man starting to get upset because he is seeing something that is making him jealous because now he’s looking back at this threesome as something haven’t been more intimate but the wife refuses to stop having contact because she enjoyed this sexual session so much. What is the man supposed to do. If he puts down his foot and says stop all contact because it is hurting me , I have read several people come on here and say stop being selfish, jealous, possessive of your wife. You are destroying her moment that she had and you should let her continue to enjoy this. But no one‘s taking in consideration the feelings of the man  but everybody’s taking in consideration of the woman enjoying herself. Then this man yields again and lets his wife have another session with this partner and feels even worse but the wife gets upset with him because she wants to continue even though it is hurting the man/husband.  
 

Some have come on here and said grow up/man up/get over it. Me and my husband discuss this and we recall everyone saying that when one person says stop it everything stops. We have seen several veteran members say it one person wants it to stop then everything stops to stop from hurting each other in the marriage. But in the same members will come back and say something horrible to the man as if his feelings aren’t legitimate and that his feelings are just childish. My question is which one is correct? Like I said this has caused many debates between my husband and I. I myself being a woman is wondering why they are getting so involved with each of the men/partners to the point that they are willing to  put a knife in the heart of their husband when they know that he is feeling regretful or hurt or pain. My husband thinks the totally opposite way, he says if the woman doesn’t stop/wife and refuses to stop, he would just go to the man and say  stay away from my wife and find somewhere else to go. Lol my husband says that if I would refuse to stop it regardless of the way I feel, he would make a stop lol

 

I just gave you two examples, please respond if you can if not that is fine too.

 

Have a great Christmas and hope to see more of your post and thank you for answering because now me and my husband have more to the debate while wrapping Christmas presents. 

 

 

[lcmim 1,009]

"My question is which one is correct? "

 

Any and all of them. That depends on how one sees the issue, and the characters involved. This is off course determined by the lives of the persons writing the comments.

 

If one has  or has had a problem with being overly sensitive at one point they may very well offer up that a tougher hide is needed.

If one has experience with some sort of overt overreaction then perhaps they would offer taking a chill pill.

 

Interesting thing though, look at the basic end point of the answers. For the most part they are aimed at helping the OP find something that will restore wholeness.

 

Most partners do endeavor to remain conscious of their partner while playing. The quality of that attention varies from time to time, at least in my experience. 

 

Most would feel bad if they perceived something late or incorrectly or worse not at all.

 

Most would realize if their was such a fault from their partner that it was not intended.

 

I doubt that any would support  casual disregard for a spouses feelings.

 

None would condone out and out cheating.

 

In my experience swinger couples are respectful and protective not only of their own spouses and marriages , but of each others as well.

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2021 by lcmim