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She cheated a little...what do you think?

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So my girlfriend of 2.5 years tells me yesterday that she cheated on me.

 

We have a open relationship as long as we both are there and both approve of the other people. We were talking to a couple that works for me and that we were friends with about the 4 of us all hooking up one evening. There was a lot of flirting between the guy and my girlfriend & me & the other girl which I was fine with.

 

She tells me that 7+ months ago she meet this guy in a parking lot and watched him masturbate then let him finish in her mouth. She swears that that is all that happened and he says the same thing. She says they met to discuss plans for us to all hook up, they didn't meet to do what they did it just "happened" and he took it to far and she couldn't say no. She says she has low self-esteem issues and just made a bad choice.

 

A month after this incident occurred we did hook up with this couple and had a great time. The next day the guy's girlfriend finds out about their parking lot incident and confronts my girlfriend about it. The 3 of them decide to not tell me because they thought I'd fire them & break up with my girlfriend.

 

Fast forward 6 months to yesterday when during a heated argument she tells me about what happened between her and the guy in the parking lot. She says the guilt was killing her and she had to tell me no matter the consequences. I was pretty mad and shocked to say the least. I treat her like gold. I do anything for her and give her whatever she wants. I made her call the guy, my so called friend, and tell him that I know what happened. He and I talk and I told him we were through being friends.

 

She is totally sorry, has cried for the last 24 hours about it. She volunteered to move out and said she would understand if I hated her and never wanted to see her again.

 

I love her and it was a minor indiscretion but an indiscretion nonetheless. I feel pretty betrayed. Especially since a month after the incident we all got together and they messed around right next to me.

 

I don't want to leave her but I need to hear what people think. How do I work past it? Why did they have to sneak off and do it when myself and his girlfriend obviously would let it happen a month later?

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My thoughts...

 

This kind of lifestyle requires complete trust and confidence in the love that you and your SO share. It will make a strong relationship stronger and rip apart a weak one.

 

You two don't have the relationship/trust yet and to continue in the lifestyle will just accelerate an eventual split.

 

You want to know my thoughts...why did she even go out to meet someone without you in the first place. How creepy is it to go to a parking lot to let a girl watch you masturbate...sounds a little suspicious to me.

 

You said it came out in an argument...what kind of argument would bring her to blurt something like that out from the past? Sounds like she meant to hurt you and suddenly realized "oh shit, what did I just say?"

 

I'd like to tell you there's a rainbow ahead but all I see are dark storm clouds.

 

Best of luck though.

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From what you have said I can see this as a simple mistake the bigger mistake was not telling you right away, that points to trust issues between you and her. Something that you need to work on ASAP.

 

I think most of us have been in a similar place at some point where things happen in the heat of the moment that we regret later. If she met him in the parking lot and you all had discussed sex, and she was really trying to set up a "date" for all of you, and things got heated and out of control I would tend to give her the benefit of the doubt and try and work past it.

 

We as mature adults are supposed to be able to control our baser instincts, however at times we all tend to lose control.

 

Hope that you can see past this and work things out.

 

K

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I think the incident has been blown way out of proportion. It's not that important.

 

The thing all four should be concerned with is the bad communication. Girlfriend should have come home laughing like hell and saying, "Darling, you're not gonna believe what just happened..."

 

That someone cried for 24 hours shows that someone else was exerting far too much moral pressure.

 

Alura

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Mixing work with swinging. Bad.

 

But beside that, she did come clean. Keep that in mind.

 

You risk exposing yourself to a sexual harassment suit. Proceed with caution.

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Only you know if you can work through this.

 

Do you really want to keep her? Can you also be 100% honest with her about Everything?

 

If so, sit and talk it out and go on with life. You can not keep going back to it or it will bite you both in the long run.

 

Step away from swinging for a year or two and become a real couple then if things are right, step back in and have some fun.

 

As others have pointed out, stay away from employees. Use some common sense. You fire them and they will own you. You both messed up there.

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I think the incident has been blown way out of proportion. It's not that important.

 

The thing all four should be concerned with is the bad communication. Girlfriend should have come home laughing like hell and saying, "Darling, you're not gonna believe what just happened..."

 

That someone cried for 24 hours shows that someone else was exerting far too much moral pressure.

 

Alura

 

I agree here. Let it go and let it go to the past. Fun woman are VERY hard to find and you have one. Talk it out and let her know she could have come clean much earlier.

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Prior to our marriage, one of my wives cheated on me, so I can readily feel your distrust and anger, but we sorted it out and you can too. We are all human. Making mistakes is part of that. What I did was to find out why it happened, and what she did was to be completely honest with me, so we were able to get past it. But this requires complete honest communication and the underlying love and commitment, to do the necessary work. The biggest mistake was involving a co-worker, this rarely works out.

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Wow, you can typically look through my posts and I'm generally supportive with most issues even sometimes bucking the crowd in order to present other options.

 

I'm totally on the opposite side it seems of everyone here.

 

Key points:

 

  • Girlfriend - Barely between 18 and 24 months at time of incident. In two years in swinging and we have seen a good 6 or 7 gf/bf go by the wayside and swap partners with someone they were swinging with versus 1 married couple falling apart. Which is why we won't play with couples not married.
  • She came clean in an argument...not through honest guilt and wanting to reconcile.
  • Still think it's creepy to follow a guy to a parking lot to watch him masturbate. Umm, girls...anyone else think that would be a cool thing to do without telling your SO and after first meeting the guy. Oh yea, let me get down there and help you...finish in my mouth even though I just met you and my b/f doesn't know I'm here.
  • "She says she has low self esteem issues and just made a bad choice." - Sounds like an excuse straight out of "How to get good guys to forgive you when they shouldn't" book.
  • If this is a minor indiscretion...what would be a major?

 

I don't know you or her and I'm not a therapist but I'm against all of the warm and fuzzy "you can work it out if you both want" people in this post and I'm a firm believer that people who cheat (not all - don't want to get the crowd rowdy or off topic)...will often do it again.

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Regardless of the outcome of this, don't ever...EVER EVER EVER...play with someone who works FOR you again. You're risking some serious, serious problems.

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Wow, you can typically look through my posts and I'm generally supportive with most issues even sometimes bucking the crowd in order to present other options.

 

I'm totally on the opposite side it seems of everyone here.

 

Key points:

 

  • Girlfriend - Barely between 18 and 24 months at time of incident. In two years in swinging and we have seen a good 6 or 7 gf/bf go by the wayside and swap partners with someone they were swinging with versus 1 married couple falling apart. Which is why we won't play with couples not married.
  • She came clean in an argument...not through honest guilt and wanting to reconcile.
  • Still think it's creepy to follow a guy to a parking lot to watch him masturbate. Umm, girls...anyone else think that would be a cool thing to do without telling your SO and after first meeting the guy. Oh yea, let me get down there and help you...finish in my mouth even though I just met you and my b/f doesn't know I'm here.
  • "She says she has low self esteem issues and just made a bad choice." - Sounds like an excuse straight out of "How to get good guys to forgive you when they shouldn't" book.
  • If this is a minor indiscretion...what would be a major?

 

I don't know you or her and I'm not a therapist but I'm against all of the warm and fuzzy "you can work it out if you both want" people in this post and I'm a firm believer that people who cheat (not all - don't want to get the crowd rowdy or off topic)...will often do it again.

 

Three points.

 

1. What he said. I'm with Digginit on this one.

2. I am all for forgiveness. But forgiving is about you not the person you are forgiving. With the points Digginit laid out, where are you hoping to go from here and why?

3. I almost always look at post the sound like Letters to Penthouse with a dubious eye. Either far to much information is left out, or the story is greatly embellished or, well, it is like those letters, fiction. I am not sure if that is the case here, it could be for real, I do look at this situation with a bit of suspicion.

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I read this and think this is like any other couple where one cheats. Not necessarily a swinger problem, but just a cheating problem.

 

While I don't or ever will condone cheating, mixing sex with work people is and can be trouble. Most of the time, it is. Secondly, when a mate has to lie (either outright or by omission) swinging doesn't work. I think you both messed up with this one.

 

There are two solutions to this -- Either talk about it and put in the past, or show her the door. Either way, if you can't resolve this, it's going to eat at you like acid.

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Honestly it sounds to me like she just gave him a BJ.

 

It happened, I don't think it's something that will end the relationship.

 

I think it's messed up to wait this long to tell you.

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I think the incident has been blown way out of proportion. It's not that important.

 

The thing all four should be concerned with is the bad communication. Girlfriend should have come home laughing like hell and saying, "Darling, you're not gonna believe what just happened..."

 

That someone cried for 24 hours shows that someone else was exerting far too much moral pressure.

 

Alura

 

+1. This.

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To us the thing that sticks out is that your gf didn't say anything for quite a while, and the other guy and his gf knew, but they said not to say anything to you....if either of us did something like that, we would be furious with each other, because if you do that you betraying your partners trust. If we play with ANYONE alone, we have to ask each other before we do anything.

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Wow, you can typically look through my posts and I'm generally supportive with most issues even sometimes bucking the crowd in order to present other options.

 

I'm totally on the opposite side it seems of everyone here.

 

Key points:

 

  • Girlfriend - Barely between 18 and 24 months at time of incident. In two years in swinging and we have seen a good 6 or 7 gf/bf go by the wayside and swap partners with someone they were swinging with versus 1 married couple falling apart. Which is why we won't play with couples not married.
  • She came clean in an argument...not through honest guilt and wanting to reconcile.
  • Still think it's creepy to follow a guy to a parking lot to watch him masturbate. Umm, girls...anyone else think that would be a cool thing to do without telling your SO and after first meeting the guy. Oh yea, let me get down there and help you...finish in my mouth even though I just met you and my b/f doesn't know I'm here.
  • "She says she has low self esteem issues and just made a bad choice." - Sounds like an excuse straight out of "How to get good guys to forgive you when they shouldn't" book.
  • If this is a minor indiscretion...what would be a major?

 

I don't know you or her and I'm not a therapist but I'm against all of the warm and fuzzy "you can work it out if you both want" people in this post and I'm a firm believer that people who cheat (not all - don't want to get the crowd rowdy or off topic)...will often do it again.

 

I'm with DigginIt on this one.

And maybe you guys can work through it, but it doesn't make it ok.

ALSO, I feel your GF owes you the same if not MORE than the other guy in this incident - so why cut him off completely from years of friendship? If you are going to work things out with her, you could extend him the same Olive branch, no?

 

Which raises another question: if you 2 men aren't friends anymore, will she continue to see him and his GF? The three of them having a bond tight enough to keep the truth from you seems alarming.

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So my girlfriend of 2.5 years tells me yesterday that she cheated on me.

 

We have a open relationship as long as we both are there and both approve of the other people. We were talking to a couple that works for me and that we were friends with about the 4 of us all hooking up one evening. There was a lot of flirting between the guy and my girlfriend & me & the other girl which I was fine with.

 

She tells me that 7+ months ago she meet this guy in a parking lot and watched him masturbate then let him finish in her mouth. She swears that that is all that happened and he says the same thing. She says they met to discuss plans for us to all hook up, they didn't meet to do what they did it just "happened" and he took it to far and she couldn't say no. She says she has low self-esteem issues and just made a bad choice.

 

A month after this incident occurred we did hook up with this couple and had a great time. The next day the guy's girlfriend finds out about their parking lot incident and confronts my girlfriend about it. The 3 of them decide to not tell me because they thought I'd fire them & break up with my girlfriend.

 

Fast forward 6 months to yesterday when during a heated argument she tells me about what happened between her and the guy in the parking lot. She says the guilt was killing her and she had to tell me no matter the consequences. I was pretty mad and shocked to say the least. I treat her like gold. I do anything for her and give her whatever she wants. I made her call the guy, my so called friend, and tell him that I know what happened. He and I talk and I told him we were through being friends.

 

She is totally sorry, has cried for the last 24 hours about it. She volunteered to move out and said she would understand if I hated her and never wanted to see her again.

 

I love her and it was a minor indiscretion but an indiscretion nonetheless. I feel pretty betrayed. Especially since a month after the incident we all got together and they messed around right next to me.

 

I don't want to leave her but I need to hear what people think. How do I work past it? Why did they have to sneak off and do it when myself and his girlfriend obviously would let it happen a month later?

 

You opening sentence concerns me

We have a open relationship as long as we both are there and both approve of the other people.

 

You either have an open relationship or you don't, and it's not just semantics, it's reflective of undefined or Maldefined terms, non communication and possibly mixed signals.

Don't get me wrong, I am in the camp who believes a true "open relationship" is both separate from the swing lifestyle and a blueprint for disaster, so I'm not defending it's sanctity, I'm suggesting that you have a discussion and based on your current feelings, purge that term from the agenda.

 

You two can either work through this or not, to me what you described is a minor indiscretion, but I may be jaded from a life on non monogamy. The issue however is not only trust but the fact that others knew and you didn't. If you two handle this properly it can be a lesson learned and a positive thing, or it can be a deal breaker. I wish you well.

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She tells me that 7+ months ago she meet this guy in a parking lot and watched him masturbate then let him finish in her mouth. She swears that that is all that happened and he says the same thing. She says they met to discuss plans for us to all hook up, they didn't meet to do what they did it just "happened" and he took it to far and she couldn't say no. She says she has low self esteem issues and just made a bad choice.

 

Watched him masturbate and then let him finish in her mouth. Bullshit. She blew him in the parking lot pure and simple.

 

I would have major trust issues with this one. I think she's still lying to you about what really happened and until she comes totally clean you can't begin to repair the damage.

 

I would give her ONE opportunity to tell the real truth and work to repair the relationship (if possible). If she doesn't come clean I would move on.

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