Any Men Whose Wives Refuse to Even Consider Swinging?

[Alura 2,766]

Most times, when people confess affairs, the underlying purpose is not to "come clean" but to inflict pain on the spouse.

 

I'm not convinced DKent should "come clean," Shelly. It seems to me that his wife doesn't deserve the pain it would give her. I think he should carry his past foibles to the grave and live with the knowledge that he's not the knight he would like to believe he is. Admitting that to himself is probably about as far as he would be able to go.

 

But I also think he should quit kidding himself by believing he's done her no harm.

 

Still, I would not be surprised (and neither should he) if one day his wife says, "I know about Mary, Elizabeth, Wynona, Denise, ..."

[intuition897 2,177]

I can't argue with that, Alura. I just feel that when a relationship has a thorn that big buried in its side (covered over though it may be), I, personally, wouldn't have much hope for the quality of the remainder of the relationship. If the relationship is all about longevity, then he's all set. But again, personally, I prefer quality over quantity. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that prolonged pain. It's like having an impairment of some sort and not even knowing it.

 

I guess maybe that's it. Unlinke you and Laura, or Mr. and Mrs. Spoomonkey or many others on the board, I can't boast that my relationship with Mr. intuition was always beautiful. I don't hold it against any of you, , but I do envy you all those extra years that you had together, being one another's best friends, that Mr. intuition and I wasted in our dishonesty with ourselves and with one another. It's when you can see the contrast between "settling for" and true happiness that the tragedy of it really hits you. If you've never seen how good things can be, you don't have any perspective, and "settling for" is all you know.

[Cpl2share 147]

DKent: Sorry but we just can not accept your "explainations". Go back and read your own posts. You will see that despite your assertions, you can not even be honest with us on this board. You are right, we do not know you, we have no clue who you are, and could possibly work right next to you without knowing it. Yet, even with the anonymity afforded by this board you can not face the truth. Your very first post stated that you wanted to swing so that you would be able to quit sneeking around to get more sex. Yet in your ost recent post you try to convince us that your interest is all about helping your wife realize her latent sexual desires. If you had truly been such a good attentive husband over the years, you would already know that your wife does not have a desire to be gang banged while you just sit and watch. If you were really interested in this for HER, and not wanting more sex for yourself, you would have been encouraging her to have sex on the side, not sneaking around yourself. If your really wanted advice and explaination from this board you would be honest with teh members and tell the truth. And, unlike the way that you treat your wife, the story would be consistant. As ann earlier poster said, you just want to hear what you want to hear. You will find very few people in this forum that will condone cheating for any reason, and you will find damned few who will feel sorry for you. We truly pity your wife.

[Swing*8701 885]

Susan here---It seems that most cheating men have the same litany:

 

The wife doesn't know anything.

The family never has been effected.

They've been there for the kids, above and beyond.

They've made great personal and professional sacrifices

 

Puhhhhhlllleeeeeeeeeeeeeze. We've heard it all before.

 

Come to think of it, is it the same litany or the same delusion ?

 

Hmmmmmmmm.

[LOL_OMG 130]

As to the OPer, I would advise to read what's been said and take a look at yourself....however you appear to be a bit narcissistic and probably won't. I agree that coming clean with the cheating would only hurt your wife. I also think that cheating is more than just sex, but the thrill and danger of doing it and not getting caught (which you seemed quite proud of). Much like shoplifting, or worse...aka sociopath.

 

Hows about making your wife your priority? Making her wishes come true, finding out what HER fantasies are, pleasing her every minute you can? You've gotten "off" enough, maybe it's her turn.

 

Mrs

[Annie07 15]

I agree that cheating is basically wrong but that it sometimes seems like it is better than the alternative. I have had a previous relationship that lasted 7 years. During that time my then spouse became more and more selfish as he felt more secure that I would stay with him after moving in together, having children, buying a house etc. He was very selfish both in and out of bed, making sure he got what he wanted. It came to the point that I couldn´t stand him touching me...hell, I didn´t even want to look at him. A friend of mine gave me the advise to find me a lover but to stay in my relationship because of my children. I have never cheated on anyone but at the time I really considered it. Finally I came to the conclusion that even though I had lost all respect for my spouse I didn´t want to cheat on him so I moved out.

 

After I left things really started to get ugly. There was no lower limit on what he would say and do to get back at me for leaving him even putting our children in the middle. I wont go into the details but one of the things he did was to accuse me of cheating with his best friend who for some reason thought it was a good idea to say that I had been trying to get him into bed even though it wasn´t true. Well my point is that I really really regret that I didn´t cheat. Atleast I could have had som fun during those years with that excuse for a man, but instead I stayed faithfull to someone who really didn´t deserve it.

 

This might not apply to the situation in this thread but I am only trying to point out that when it comes to cheating sometimes it´s not all black or white but that there may be a few grey areas. And to break up a relationship when children are involved is not easy.

[intuition897 2,177]

I agree that cheating is basically wrong but that it sometimes seems like it is better than the alternative.

 

I can't say that I agree with that.

 

Finally I came to the conclusion that even though I had lost all respect for my spouse I didn´t want to cheat on him so I moved out.

 

Brava.

 

Well my point is that I really really regret that I didn´t cheat. Atleast I could have had som fun during those years with that excuse for a man, but instead I stayed faithfull to someone who really didn´t deserve it.

 

This might not apply to the situation in this thread but I am only trying to point out that when it comes to cheating sometimes it´s not all black or white but that there may be a few grey areas. And to break up a relationship when children are involved is not easy.

 

I agree that making stay or go decisions are much more difficult when the stakes are so high, but it doesn't alleviate the burden of making the choice. What makes it okay to make the wrong choice? How much money? How many kids? How many bills? I feel that, where kids are concerned, I'd rather that they see someone doing the right thing even though it's difficult to do, than doing the wrong thing because it's easier. It's not so gray that you can't see what's right or wrong. My job isn't to shield them from the unpleasantness of life - people who suck, tight finances, big changes like death or divorce - but to prepare them for it and make them see that tough circumstances don't absolve us from doing what's right.

 

The fact that you didn't cheat on your ex has less to do with him, and more to do with you. What some people miss, I think, is that cheaters harm themselves at least as much as the partner they cheat on. Maybe more. Where their partner can walk away from the cheater, having been hurt by them, the cheater cannot walk away him/herself. They live with the definition they gave themselves for the rest of their lives. They can no longer say that they've never done wrong, that they are incapable of such low behaviour. The things we do in our past are stains that don't come out. Our past is written in permanent ink, and we can't change it. It becomes part of who we are.

 

So all you've missed out on is being an asshole who disrespects herself and her husband...even if he didn't deserve it. The respect was there for him to earn if he wanted it. The fact that he didn't do anything to deserve it doesn't mean your good intentions were wasted. If he didn't have anything to live up to, it would've made his behaviour okay. He'd met the standards you would have set for him. The fact that you set the standards appropriately high just shows that he's sadly lacking as a human being...and you're not.

[ShellyM 1]

Annie,

I'm just glad you got out of there girlie. Kudos to you for that.

 

And bravo to you for not cheating. I know that it seems like you wasted your years with this loser, and you probably did....although your wonderful children came from it. However, good karma will come back to you for doing the right thing girl. Give him time. What goes around ALWAYS comes back around.

 

Promise.

Shelly

[spectraschain 21]

Yeah, dude's a dick, but makes a valid point here:

 

Quote

and a few who must comment on every single thing that's posted because they like to see their name up there and like the sound of their own voice.

 

[tryit2? 15]

OK, very interesting thread. Have not been on board for a while, so just getting caught up. While I think this guys cheating is indefensible, he DOES have a few valid points that need discussing rationally. What DOESa person do when one spouse is more sex driven than the other by a large margin? What if cheating is out of the question by your choice? What if swinging or open marriage out by the spouses choice? And your partner is your life mate, friend and love, and just dumping them and starting over with not even on the distant radar? Maybe this should be a starter for another thread, instead of adding to this one, but really, what does a person do?

[Guest Trellken]

OK, very interesting thread. Have not been on board for a while, so just getting caught up. While I think this guys cheating is indefensible, he DOES have a few valid points that need discussing rationally. What DOESa person do when one spouse is more sex driven than the other by a large margin? What if cheating is out of the question by your choice? What if swinging or open marriage out by the spouses choice? And your partner is your life mate, friend and love, and just dumping them and starting over with not even on the distant radar? Maybe this should be a starter for another thread, instead of adding to this one, but really, what does a person do?

 

One finds these things out before getting married.

[rpu3 630]

What DOESa person do when one spouse is more sex driven than the other by a large margin? What if cheating is out of the question by your choice? What if swinging or open marriage out by the spouses choice? And your partner is your life mate, friend and love, and just dumping them and starting over with not even on the distant radar? Maybe this should be a starter for another thread, instead of adding to this one, but really, what does a person do?

 

Seriously, doesn't your question essentially just leave masterbation and marriage counseling as options? If by choice one isn't cheating or swinging, that pretty much leaves trying to resolve the issue with your spouse via counseling, with a side of masterbation. It's early, of course, but I don't see a ton of options out there besides trying to resolve the issue WITH the other spouse.

[HotMoCpl 20]

Go ahead an read some of my old threads. One night she actually walked out on me...a few weeks ago I handed her the keys. I sure hope that VagasLee is right!

[tryit2? 15]

One finds these things out before getting married.

 

Sorry, grew up in a different time/different generation. Not applicable. Besides some mismatches just accumulate with time/age. Think this would be better as a new thread, anyone think so??

[knb2004 364]

Interesting thread, I don't think I've read this one before.

 

I can somewhat relate to the OP, as I was in a previous marriage that was sexually bland. That was not the only reason it broke up, as it should have even were the sex good, but it was high on the list. However, one thing I realized as I got older and wiser (early 30's) is that these ideas I had about sexual monogamy being undesirable was not something I had to hide. When I was younger I was convinced I was a total freak, and frankly did not even admit my proclivities even to myself. When I finally opened my eyes, I was fortunate that my marriage sucked outside the bedroom, and it was easy for me to end it and start anew.

 

Wonder how I might have felt were that not true?

[DE_BBC 15]

One finds these things out before getting married.

 

No doubt.

[PortlandGuy 40]

I was always curious, but my wife wasn't interested. Finally after almost 16 years, she's ready to take things to the next level. My patience has finally paid off.

[DarkVoyuer 15]

rpu3 said:

Seriously, doesn't your question essentially just leave masturbation and marriage counseling as options? If by choice one isn't cheating or swinging, that pretty much leaves trying to resolve the issue with your spouse via counseling, with a side of masturbation. It's early, of course, but I don't see a ton of options out there besides trying to resolve the issue WITH the other spouse.

 

Although I find this guy a coward, I must say that I find it arrogant that large segments of the vanilla community would assert that he will just have to get over his desire to have sex more. If he divorces her, many of them will label him selfish.

[MasterHack2007 18]

My wife was totally against the entire idea of swinging when I first mentioned it to her. Now after time and being very open with each other about our needs/wants we are moving toward it. My advice make sure that your wife is totally and completely satisfied with your non-swinging sex life (I'm not saying she isn't) try to open her up to new sexual experiences that don't involve anyone else first. T

 

he second step in my relationship was webcam exhibition believe it or not. Once she became comfortable enough with her own sexuality it was easier for her to consider a MFM threesome. This is important because a woman who has no bisexual tendencies (or with jealousy issues) will be more comfortable with this situation.

 

This is as far as I've gotten but I can tell you it is something that if it is to happen at all it takes time. She will not change her mind overnight. It is all about her comfort levels for some it will never happen and if that's the case you just have to accept her for who she is and be happy with the relationship that you have.

[Sandyb 15]

Great to read all these posts, they seem really similar to my situation.

 

I have tried many times discussing with her while having foreplay or sex having another lady or couple with us in same room. Some times she gets hot by hearing that, many times she opposes this idea.

 

I realized she is not for lifestyle with her noncooperating reactions.

 

But one thing she says I am free to participate are pursue any swinger activity or relationship with other female. She has wholeheartidly given her permission and has no issues at all with it.

 

What you guys suggest shall I go ahead or be happy with her.

[Sandyb 15]

Kudos to your patience and perseverence. I admire it.

[Guest mike&leigh]

I haven't read all the replies here so I don't know if this has already been mentioned but the reason for any pain in a relationship (and you are obviously in pain over your wife's animosity to swinging) is a difference in BELIEFS.

 

Your wife obviously has different beliefs to you as to what swinging means. For her it means pain, infidelity, abandonment, you finding other women more attractive than her, you not being satisfied with her.....etc

 

Successful swingers usually see swinging as an enhancement to their relationship, not a replacement. If you can help change her beliefs so that when she thinks of swinging she thinks, "He loves me so much and finds me the most attractive woman on the planet. He wants to swing because he loves to see how attractive I am to others as well. I know I am at the centre of my husband's universe. We have such fun together", etc.

 

How do you do this? Make her feel more adored and loved than she ever thought possible. Communicate with her in HER values.

 

When her self esteem and security is at the point where she feels overwhelmed by love for and from you, you might just find that swinging becomes a natural outcome of expressing that love in your relationship.

 

It's the old story, if your approach doesn't work try another one. And from what I have seen, this approach really works!

 

Good luck

[fifty4x2 15]

We went to our first party, didn't do anything but we had a great time. She had many admirers and willing men which made her feel good. The biggest thing was getting her there. Let see what happens at the next party.

[rubenpal2 25]

sounds the same as what I went through, I was honest with her and explained to her what I would like to do, she "Cathy" she replied I would have a very hard time seeing you doing another woman, I told her that was fine and I didn't have to do the other woman, but I would like to see her doing another man, took a while but after explaining the fact that I wanted to have her next to me and to experience this threeway together, she finely agreed "2 yrs" later we had it and she was in heaven and is looking forward to do it again. she had fears that she would like the other man, and that I was going to be jealous when I saw him doing her.

 

Keep trying and be honest and open to her fears and feelings.

[lwg8tr0514 15]

Read through this thread and the OP reminded me of myself 3 years ago. Well what broke our logjam, what ended the selfishness, the depravity, the dishonesty, was my ex dropping the bomb on my on the night of her 40th birthday that she was no longer in love with me and wanted a divorce.

 

Wow, was I shocked, my whole world disappeared under my feet. My narcissism kicked in and a few angry weeks of me yelling at her telling her I was the best she could get, all the way to down in the gutter to outright insults like, "Well you're a fat prude anyways."

 

I descended into a much deserved hole of black depression, anxiety attacks and 40lb weight loss. My ex was resolute and was done with me, finito.

 

She filed quickly and refused to talk anything about our marriage, no counseling, she just wanted out, she was DONE. Took me a solid year to get my sea legs back, to become a better person to fess up to what an absolute piece of sh*t I was.

 

After the initial anger of the divorce subsided, took a whole year. Ex and I began talking, really talking, we came clean about everything, mine was the rare woman who had NO idea what I was doing.

 

She admitted to me a sexual dalliance and an emotional affair a few years ago with a guy she met at karate. That floored me, but I listened without judgment.

 

We realized we had no passion as a couple, we were friends sharing bills, got married too young, I was a typical jackass but completely ignoring her needs on a regular basis and she said she after a few years began to ignore mine. What we had was not a marriage of intimacy, but a marriage of lies, airs and appearances.

 

It was cathartic. Tears rolled down my face as I asked her for forgiveness , how I was awful, how I made her feel all those years. We had a warm embrace and she looked me in the eyes crying and said she would always love me and I was forgiven and she wished me happiness in my life.

 

Owning up to your sins and asking forgiveness is part of being human. Also what is part of being human is NOT DOING THEM again. I went through intensive therapy, went on meds for depression, and took time for myself to know who I was.

 

Well a postscript is I met a great woman, a woman I was honest form day one with. She is a sexual tiger and enthusiastically into the sex the way I like it. She was a great fit. We talk about anything and I feel no desire anymore to be BAD, to be dishonest. I fixed my compass and take precautions not become THAT guy anymore. I have no female friends, the internet is for entertainment not social networking and chatting.

 

We have been to a club now a few times and it was MORE than I expected. My squeeze the other Saturday night says to me.."I am so glad I finally met a guy open about what he wants and his sexuality, men brag about being sexual but really are not on average."

 

I have better moorings now, a better sense of self and no need anymore to cheat and be dishonest. If I feel that way I will break it off with her, save her the pain and me the shame.